To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

You're missing the point. Even those run-of-the-mill weekdays involved chat over dinner or washing up, or in the car on the way to school/clubs, a hug and a kiss at bedtime. And when it wasn't a bog standard day, when something had gone wrong at school (not necessarily seismically wrong, but a bad test result or a falling out with a friend), your parents were there to reassure you, talk it through, give you love. No boarding school can do that.

I can only speak for myself as a child. The "bonding" with my parents was simply knowing that they were there with me.

I'm not with my DC today so not ignoring them.

They are off on their now annual self organised trip with same two close friends - who have gone to different education institution post 16 to my DC - no adults trip to nearby seaside town via two trains and possible bus.

Guess it just shear luck they developed independence and confidence to do such things.

Honestly OP care less what others think and don't invite criticisms by starting threads like this - and you'll probably be happier.

Hopefully your children were taught to spell.

Lots of people do. Nurseries are full of small babies and toddlers who barely see their parents each day. By the time they're picked up at 6.30pm and got home it's time for bed. They get to watch them sleep. They miss their first steps, miss weaning, miss potty training, miss everything whilst they cling onto important careers as their top priority. But people think that's fine. I think it's worst than boarding.

It's the contact time that I really prioritise for my teenage son. We don't do a huge amount together like we did when he was younger, but I am around as much as possible, each of us getting on with our day, but chatting, going grocery shopping together, sorting out stuff for Vinted, driving him around. It's often during this incidental contact time when I'll find out what's going on for him. What's important, any worries, new trends etc.

I'm not saying you can't get that in other ways, but I've found this sort of interaction much better than sitting down with a "so, tell me about your day" approach.

I was at boarding school late 80's to mid 90's. I agree with op's it is what does not happen at school.

Before I went I thought it was going to be all Mallory Towers, a massive sleep over with friends and midnight feasts. The reality was somewhat different.

The lack of privacy and having your own space is horrible from a teen girl. Yes, I used to walk 'home' from school to my house, but instead of being able to go to my own room and unwind - I went to my dorm, which I shared with 7 other girls and was never quiet.

you are at school 24/7 and there isn't any respite from it. You learn to shut down your emotions, which is not healthy for pre-teens/teens.

You train your self to survive it because no adult really cares for you. Unwell, have a bad period, feel homesick or want a cuddle? You soon learn that you are on your own and know no one is coming to help you and that you cannot show upset, or worse cry because ( that is wrongly) perceived as weakness.

The friendship fall outs and drama that went on was intense .

Being an all girls school lots of girls got crushes on other( usually older) girls. (at a time when same sex relationships were seen in society as taboo) this caused a lot of anguish and allowed for a system of abuse of power and bullying . Usually the girl with a crush would become the dogsbody for the girl she had a crush on.

Lying to parents about how much you loved school when you were miserable.

Boarding schools may have changed since my time, I hope they have, but it is still an emotional trauma for the child.

@RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown

If they agreed to do their own laundry? Would you let them sleep at home?

What space do they have to go to ? My husband shared with 4 boys for three years and then with two for 2 years and still shared with one other his last year. No one i know who boarders had their own space? Even his nieces and nephews who still boarder tell him school is still the same. (Sister is a snob and choose to send them off even though she had to ask inlaws to pay ) No support from their own ag either aswell. The constant never getting away from school means he couldn't relax and nor can to this day.

I was at boarding school from 11. I cried myself to sleep most nights, was bullied relentlessly even by my house mistress who actually got all my year group in the common room one evening and said 'hands up if you don't like motomum'. Everyone put their hand up. 15 other girls.
She didn't do it about anyone else.

It absolutely is an institution - rules and regulations 7 days a week. Talking at night- go and copy out of the bible in the prep room, a girl in my year at 12 fell off a skateboard - she was forced into sickbay and I woke up to hear her screaming in the middle of the night - they still didn't call an ambulance for her until the middle of the next day - she had a broken hip.

op I really hope your kids are happy - I'm sure plenty of the girls in my year group were - but personally I would never ever send my kids to boarding school and gamble their long term mental health over exam results.

But that's fairly unusual. My teens had to sort their own breakfasts and packed lunches if they wanted them as I was preparing my toddler for nursery and had to drop him there before going to work. Hence I wasn't driving them to school either as I was headed in different direction.

They had various evening activities ( ATC twice a week) so was quick dinner at 6 to be there for 7. Then weekends were either taken up with ATC work, seeing friends or later part time jobs.

Most people I know had teens with similar lifestyle

Oh and the " toddler" grew up highly independent. Sorted his own uni , student loan and accomodation etc ( I was told when it was done). Has had part time work since he was 16 . Drives himself places. And certainly can manage to cook for himself.

I suppose I could've sat around doing stuff for them but dunno what we would've lived on

Also doesn't seem as though you had much social life without kids if you were sat in with them on Fridays watching films and taking them places at weekends

@Meadowwild similar to mine. We prioritised similar to you.

I've taught in three different boarding schools. I think they vary. One was an SEN school that failed an inspection for safeguarding reasons. The other two were at the cheaper end of the boarding school market and the facilities weren't great. Kids tended to put on quite a lot of weight and not do enough sport, and they felt quite claustrophobic. British boarders were in the minority, most boarders were international and most from China and they didn't integrate well with the day pupils. I don't think they were particularly happy places and one of them had quite a toxic culture amongst the staff. In my experience, staff who live in at boarding schools are either young and then move on quickly, or some of them have had quite difficult personal lives and circumstances and are there because it's a job with housing. Two members of staff were fired for having drinking problems, both teachers.

I know more expensive boarding schools with amazing facilities are quite a different experience and could be more positive.

You don't feel guilty that your children felt the only way they could have friends and hobbies is to leave their home to board? That is terribly sad.

I've already posted about my experience of boarding school but I have a question for those on here who are pro boarding school and say it betters the child etc. That's what my parents say as well - and I've jumped from job to job never really found what I want to do and still don't really know. After this thread it's made me realise that my BS experience is probably the reason for my imposter syndrome, lack of confidence in speaking to people 'higher up' than me and having anxiety.

Anyway I digress:

What is the difference between sending your child to a private day school rather than a boarding school?

How is a child sleeping/living at school benefiting more so academically or 'more rounded' than a private school?

I have experience of both boarding school and private day school & there was no difference in activities offered, lessons taught etc. I'm guessing it's that the most elite schools that are boarding? So a prestige thing?

Certain boarding schools for music, sport or ballet ( eg Cheethams, Millfield) - fair enough, that’s a lifestyle / vocation type choice and the child has to want to do it massively.
Those types of school are appealing if you have a talented child, and depending on where you live they are indeed sometimes the only practical way to get high standard classes beyond a certain point. But they are still not necessarily good for a child.
My DD is a dancer. She didn't go into full time training until she was 18 but a lot of her friends boarded at vocational schools from 11. The vast majority of them were damaged by their school days. It's a double whammy actually. The dance world is very toxic plus you have all the downsides of "normal" boarding schools as well. I'm not critical of parents who make this decision for a talented child. It is very easy to get sucked down this path and very difficult to walk away from it as the message around how lucky your child is to have such opportunities is repeated often.
I was lucky that DD was adamant that she didn't want to board or else I would have fallen for the whole "living the dream" bollocks too. In logistical terms it would have been far easier for me if she'd been at a full time dance school, so combine that with a talented and dedicated child's dream and it absolutely makes sense. But knowing what I know now I think we had a lucky escape. If you look at dance related forums there are so many stories of terrible experiences, often not revealed by the young dancers to their parents until many years afterwards.
Boarding for sixth form is, I think, more reasonable, but I don't think children in year 6 auditioning for year 7 places are capable of understanding the enormity of the decision they're making, and by the time they/their parents realise it's not for them the damage is all too often already done.I totally get why people do it, but I still wouldn't recommend it if there's any alternative. Especially not at 11.

Sending your children to be raised in an institution rather than looking after them yourself is bordering on abuse IMHO - especially when the people who do it tend to be the very ones who have the money and resources to spend time with their children, provide a good living space, have money to provide enrichment and can also afford to have help like babysitters, childminders etc. to make parenting easier.

I know many adults who boarded - none of them would send their children and the plethora of issues they seem to have around attachment and feeling of abandonment seems to point at there being a similar theme for ex-boarders. Not to mention the 2 male bosses I have had in the last 5 years who went to boys boarding schools and quite literally struggle to work with women in any meaningful
way. They are far more comfortable around men, working with men, promoting men than any female
colleagues. It’s bizarre.

@Captainmycaptains Yoy need to talk to my DDs and their friends. Like most schools a few realise pretty early on that they don’t like boarding. The vast majority thrive. Mine wanted to go. They were outgoing dc with lots of hobbies. Friends were a bit hit and miss at primary and hugely cliquey as organised by the parents. We lived in a tiny village so DD felt left out. Boarding was best decision for her. 20 years on and she’s still got her school friends. I don’t recognise all this angst,

@brightyellowflower The stats show that the most common situation for parents of under fives is one parent working part-time. Many parents also rely on grandparents for childcare. The concept of both parents working long hours in a professional job while their children are in nursery from 1 till 4/5 years old is a minority of parents. And nearly all nurseries close at 6pm.

I agree. All this stuff about working long hours or living in a small rural place or whatever - it can be easily dealt with.

I think some parents get sucked into thinking only quality time matters. It is what I see on some comments supporting boarding school. I think the everyday interactions matter a lot more. It is those that build real emotional closeness.

This is so true ❤

This. It's the minutiae, the day to day interactions, living as a family. That's so critical.

What's the point starting a thread like this if you're just going to argue or disagree with everyone?