To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

In my experience the only people who “despise” boarding school are people who went to boarding school. No one else really cares.

Also OP, the fact you use the word despise is odd. It is not the correct emotion.

Very true

OP says she doesn't feel guilty so why post? Clearly someone said something to upset her. I'm sure her kids are having a blast, but many don't.

My friend has no relationship with her family as a result of boarding... however her dad's job was in the army and in a country not safe for her and her mum had passed away so no option. She had an ok time at the school but has never married or had children (no saying that's a bad thing). Just doesn't understand family life. I meet her without dd. She's an interesting lady to know as she travelled a lot but seems to have no where she can call home. Apart from her I don't know anyone who's been to boarding school. My image is Enid byton and tbh it sounds fun.

@Londonrach1 Her dad could have changed jobs when her mum died.

I wouldn't say I despise boarding schools, although I personally don't agree with them at all for pre-teens and only in very specific circumstances for teens, so I would say I was pretty much anti boarding generally speaking. If a child has no additional needs and has a loving and supportive family, then I see absolutely no need for them to board. Surely there are plenty of very good day schools to choose from that can offer the same educational and extra curricular opportunities, why the need to board? If your job or lifestyle isn't conducive to having your children living with you full time, then maybe you need to change that instead? As for the ludicrous comments about how boarding fosters independence and resilience, there are a myriad of other ways to help children acquire these skills. Obviously if a child has significant additional needs or a family that is chaotic and/or abusive, then perhaps a boarding school is a better option for them, but I can't fathom why anyone would choose boarding for their children if this isn't the case. What school, regardless of how amazing it is and with caring/dedicated staff, can possibly replicate living at home within a loving and stable family unit?

I went when I was 11 for secondary school. I had a lovely time for the most part. I was with a nice group of girls and we all got on well. The staff at the boarding house were lovely to us. Nice mix of boundaries and support. I didn’t see or hear of anything to do with drugs or drinking etc.

@Nadeed The well off professionals have a nanny! They don’t necessarily use nurseries. Boarding or weekly boarding is preferred from age 11 or 13. Rarely younger.

Did you miss your family?

@TizerorFizz Yes maybe they are simply not used to interacting with their children and so do not realise the harm of boarding school?

I have read the first few pages of the thread and it has had me in tears at some of the experiences people had. I watched a programme about little girls going to boarding school quite a few years ago and they were so distressed in the first few months it was really upsetting to watch .
I think it can definitely be traumatic and lead to abandonment issues when children are so young . Fine if they are older and have a say in the matter. Leaving children to sink or swim doesn’t seem a recipe for a well rounded secure child but I also agree with the poster who mentioned day nurseries .Especially leaving babies and toddlers for long hours five days a week . 7:30 am - 6 pm.

I was a day pupil at Boarding school in the 80's and saw many damaged children turn into damaged adults. The boys in particular seemed unable to maintain healthy relationships and the majority of those I am still in touch with have at least 1 divorce behind them. I also have family from the generation above and below me who Boarded and I am sure that some of their issues stem from Boarding school. There are a VERY small number of children that need to be at Boarding school and when I was at the school I knew of just maybe 2 or 3 who couldn't have been living at home with at least 1 parent if the parents had wanted to make changes to their lives. Specialist schools for SEN or music/ballet or similar are a different story of course.
I actually don't think that awful things go on at Boarding schools very often, for me its more the concept that these children are sent away from their families. As for parents who claim their child asked to go I would wonder what was wrong that meant their child asked to leave home at a young age.
I reserve particular judgement for parents who send their child away because its the way its always been done in their family without any thought for the individual child.

In fact probably should have

@Hoppinggreen I agree. I think children ask to go to boarding school for two reasons. Either their home life is shit and they want to escape, or they think it will be like children's books and great fun. Children do not have the emotional intelligence and maturity to understand the reality of living apart from your parents.

Good points. I always fancied the Enid Blyton version, but I'm glad I didn't go.

I was desperate to go to boarding school when I was about 8 years old. Absolutely desperate. I loved Enid Blyton and The Naughtiest Girl at School and imagined a school of midnight feasts, incredibly caring and sensitive teachers, and lots of ponies. So I understand totally why some children are desperate to go. In reality I had a very loving family and would have hated it.

Despise is a strange word to use. It’s a very odd cultural thing I think to send your children off to be raised by others with reasons like - it’ll make them independent, or it’s the same school that daddy and grandad and great grand-dad etc went to .

I know someone who is HOD and a house ‘mother’ at a well known girls boarding school and while the facilities etc are fantastic and she thinks the pastoral care is very good she says that the thing that is missing is LOVE. She doesn’t love any of the children. She is responsible for their well-being, but there’s an absence of love… it’s all very nice and safe but formal and distant too.

And yes, she does feel sorry for a lot of the students, the majority have families quite far away so it doesn’t matter how frequent the Exeats are - most of them go whole terms without seeing their parents in person. And most of the overseas ones don’t even see their parent s then either - they go to paid ‘guardians’ during the shorter holiday breaks like Easter

I don’t despise boarding schools. I think they are probably ok for very stable older teenagers who are extroverted, are not in any way ‘different’, who are skilled at fitting in, and who happen to fall in with a good friendship group. How many teenagers are all those things, though?

As for younger children…being cared for by people who don’t love them, the majority of the year? Sounds crazy to me unless the home circumstances are incredibly difficult - say, if both parents had developed very serious health problems, or died, or if the parents were divorced, one lived abroad and the other had MH problems. Something really unusual like that.

I know/ knew 5 people who went to boarding schools. . One had a total breakdown on arrival and left after a month. They’ve had no MH problems since, so I’ve always assumed it was down to the boarding school experience.

2 were teenage friends of mine. Both at ‘progressive’ schools. Both sexually active at a younger age than anyone else I knew, and looking back there were crossed boundaries at at least one of the schools. I lost touch with both of them so don’t know how they turned out.

2 are a couple. One of them cannot deal with feelings at all. The other wants emotional support from the partner, but is perpetually disappointed because partner can’t cope with feelings due to own school experience. It’s sad to feel their pain.

@Nadeed My DDs didn’t read Enid Blyton! Utter tosh. It’s a bit like saying they read Tracy Beaker and wanted to go to a children’s home or be fostered! You simply have no idea about modern boarding or what some DC enjoy. As for wanting to escape? How unbelievably rude to even suggest it. People are not all the same. There’s plenty who lead different lives but nurture a loving family even if dc board. Such stupid generalizations are totally wrong. Do you think a parent absent due to being in the forces is a bad parent? Or one working abroad? It’s really shit to label people like this.

@Captainmycaptains They are not raised by a boarding school! What century are you in? I raised my DC. They came home a lot. I set the standards for their upbringing. Schools everywhere like well brought up dc and that includes day ones. Nothing was handed over that mattered! You need to understand modern boarding.

Good friends brother was a boarder, and he’s completely separate to the rest of the family ever since.
He’s not lived with the 3 sisters since the age of 9 and as soon as he left school, went to Oxbridge then moved overseas.
She has barely no relationship with him, and although he’s minted and the most ‘successful ‘ of the siblings ( tax lawyer) he’s resentful of his parents and spends most of his Xmases, hols etc with some of the men he was at school with and their families.
Causes no end of issues apparently - as the parents think he’s ungrateful, and the sisters all sort of resent that the boy was favoured and he got sent to Rugby while they went to a much lesser private day school.

I certainly don’t need to ‘understand’ modern boarding because not in a million years for any reason would I willingly send my children to go and live in an institution.
Don't get me wrong, I have 2 young teens at home and God only knows the idea of not having to deal with them everyday is certainly tempting… don't think it’s a coincidence that a lot of ‘senior’ boarding starts at 13… a time where our children are both at their most challenging AND vulnerable

This is interesting. For some parents having this type of success is actually more important that a family bond. They feel like 'job done, I had successful kids and I can proudly tell my mates that my kid works for blah blah blah'. That's their measure of success - my kid is rich and has a great life - sod the Xmas get togethers or family bond - this life is better than to struggle and live average.
As for the other siblings moaning between private and boarding?? Omg the privilege!

Well, my friend knows that he paid a high price ( a couple of years ago he got shitfaced with her and told her about the sexual abuse he’s suffered at school) but the other sisters don’t know about that and the boy was always the favoured princeling … there are 4 of them because the parents keep going til they got their boy…
I’ve met him, super confident, loud, funny, posh and looks and sounds like the man who has it all. Other than an actual relationship with his family that is.

The other thing about boarding school that is often trotted out is about how ‘independent’ it makes kids - Indont believe that. Learning to cope without your family and masking your feelings while being in an institution where almost every minute of EVERY day is accounted for is the opposite of true independence.

@TizerorFizz I am older. Of course your children did not read Enid Blyton. But they probably read Harry Potter and heard you talking about how boarding school would be great fun.

A lot of the men I knew who boarded are like this.
On the surface very successful and happy, can get on with everyone by either blending in to or leading in any situation. Inside very damaged and unable to understand what a healthy relationship looks like.
They seem to know lots of people but aren't really close to any