To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

My partner went. Hated it. No amount of clubs (and he loved sports) could replace seeing his parents at the end of the school day. His relationship with them suffered as a result and no closeness. He ended with a feeling of rejection and he struggled with that.

Genuine question. So what are the benefits? It sounds as if you are very involved, but what are the benefits of him being a boarder rather than just a day pupil?
I have 2 brothers that went to private schools. One who was just a day pupil as it was in the same town. The other who was a boarder. He loved it, really speaks happily about it. But he was older about 14 if I remember correctly. He needed a specialised school due to being dyslexic and just not doing well educationally at state school.

Just as this out-dated, unkind, emotionally-abusive way of treating children was becoming unfashionable - bloody Hogwarts makes it look like super fun.

Harry Potter has a lot to answer for.

@RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown What a question to get all the people with no experience telling you the "Facts" about how you're messing up. (you're not by the way, its whatever is best for the child)

Or the opinions from those with historical experience of the 'old' days when even people in normal day schools experienced trauma

I hope you are wearing a 'hard hat' today 😉

I agree with this for my partner. He still has negative after effects of boarding. I'll recommend the book to him.

The OP asked - she obviously feels guilty at some level and wanted support, she ain't going to to get it ...

The "old days" thing is nonsense. Just because the kids have comfy rooms and decent food now doesn't mean pyschologically sending a child away from home is right for most kids. A minority will be unharmed. A majority will never admit it did them any damage.

Putting a child in nursery or childminding for a working day because the parents have to work for a living is nothing like sending your kids away for days or weeks at a time. Totally false equivalence. Those kids see their parents in the morning and in the evening, they have bedtime, they have stories and interaction and family life, and they have parents they can call out to or go into in the middle of the night for love and safety if they need it.

Majority of parents find it inconceivable that parents would hand over responsibility for looking after their children unless the circumstances are absolutely in the best I tests for the children involved. They see their role in their children life as being their children’s main carers

sending off children so they will have a good education and learn independence from a young age (which isn’t necessary) just simply isn’t necessary as it can be achieved from living at home

plus so many awful personal accounts of trauma that’s why so many are against boarding schools

You're taking a lot of abuse on this thread.

I went to boarding school and loved it. Everything about it. My mother went to one in the late 50's. All of my children have completed boarding school and they all loved it. One of brothers and a sister all went. My sister hated school, day and boarding. She sent her two children to the same boarding school we both went to and they loved it as did my children. For my sister it was a big financial decision. We made that choice for the betterment of our children.

Obviously it doesn't suit everybody, there will be unhappy kids, there will be kids sent there as they are problematic, there will be ones who would be problematic in day school too. Ours was a combined boarding and days. The days were always jealous of the boarders. Because the bonding is amazing. Generally in later years some of the days joined as boarders. Especially for final exam years.

The advantageous are numerous. They gain great independance, make life long friends, excellent sporting facilities, no waste of time driving to/from school/sports. No laundry.

It suits parents in certain professions such as those who are away a lot. You don't have to justify your decision to anyone on here. As long as your kids are happy, and you are happy too, that's all that matters. My kids were tri weekly boarders. In the Irish system, so they had 2 weeks xmas/Easter, 1 week each Halloween, Midterm. 3 months in the summer. We live on the continent, and travelled back every weekend that the school was closed, or if a long weekend they flew back here. Alone. Shock horror. From the age of 12 goodness gracious Kirstie Allsop !

I think it's partly dependent on age. A teenager who wanted to go might thrive. A child of 12 or younger being sent without expressly asking to go, probably not so much. We can see the results of that in politicians.

Being separated from your family before you're ready for it is traumatic, there's no two ways about it.

Kids are kids for such a short period of time, you'd miss out on so much....

I think it's understandable people who were either damaged by boarding or have family members who were despise it - as it hurt them or their loved ones.

Everyone else I suspect has a more nuanced view - that in some specific circumstances it's a good/acceptable option- military moving families, parents working abroad - when there are home issues or for better opportunities for support or to peruse some hobby/life skill and older child is the better.

I'd be about the 360 parenting and emphasis on relationship with school staff comments - as that seems defensive or smug.

I know several adults who seemed to enjoy boarding though none I know have done it with their own kids - and there were usually very good reasons like above.

Only case I know where child was so close and not a day pupil but a border - girl who grew up opposite me - came home some weekends and some holiday and my Dmum was very judgemental about it. Later found out her Mum was a secret alcoholic and Dad who often worked away was protecting her from it - she was bitter only child ending up doing a lot of elder care and spoke to my DMum on some visits.

So personally I would quietly wonder if there was some issue that meant teens were choosing school over home when they were so close. More generally though I'd assume it was best option for that family for some perfectly normal reason.

It's not an option that would have suited my kids - they needed downtime own spaces and break from school and more social exposure than one place - nor would it have suited us as parents who put emphasis on being around for them - but people and families and circumstances differ.

For those affected:
https://www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk

There are lots of worldwide scientific research about boarding schools and how they can lead to mental illness.

There’s also many easy to read articles on why Boris Johnson is a good example of a boarding school character type.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/nov/07/boarding-schools-boris-johnson-bullies

and this:
https://www.bacp.co.uk/bacp-journals/therapy-today/2014/july-2014/wounded-leaders/

In fact there’s so much research saying how bad it is, I am surprised people still advocate for it so much.

There is obviously a lot more going on than ‘just’ the boarding school effect as a few people do have a good experience.
https://www.uos.ac.uk/about/news/new-research-challenges-the-concept-of-boarding-school-syndrome/ :Problematic parenting could play a bigger role in why some children suffer the trauma of ‘boarding school syndrome’ than the actual schools themselves, according to new research.

@RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown I would keep a close eye on who my children were associating with, if you can.

Certain boarding schools for music, sport or ballet ( eg Cheethams, Millfield) - fair enough, that’s a lifestyle / vocation type choice and the child has to want to do it massively.

Boarding school because your family is on an expat deal in a random location - ok for teens I guess. I knew a family where they were posted to Angola for a few years and there was no English school above a certain age so the older kids boarded.

Other than those limited exceptions, no I don’t really get it. There really is no need to board for a good / great education.

Exactly the same for me. I asked to go because I wanted to do what my friends were doing. Plus I was already boarding and didn't know anything else and thought it was what I 'should' do. Believe me it leaves a mark forever. I don't send my kids to boarding school though I could easily afford to and they would quite like to go. The reason is exactly as others say, tweens and teens don't make a good ultimate support group. Noone cares or notices issues or problems. The staff may say they do but it is a job and they have a lot of kids. I had to report a friend's anorexia - no adult noticed she had become emaciated and exercised excessively. I didn't report it for ages because I didn't want to tell tales. By the time it was picked up and addressed it had become a very deeply ingrained coping mechanism and unfortunately my friend has never recovered and has severe health problems from lifelong starvation. Another has killed herself, many others have had very difficult lives indeed in many different ways. This all at a top well respected boarding school. And yes, we all came out with great results and went to good unis. It's later the effects unfold.

Did the school you worked in have day pupils? The one I worked in did. They missed very, very little that the boarders did - yes, there were lots of co-curric opportunities but they were pretty much all done by 5 when the buses came. There was the occasional evening lecture or event, but day pupils were, of course, welcome to attend if they lived nearby (as the OP’s children do).
After 5 for boarders it was back to house to change/shower, then supper between 6 and 7 and prep for an hour (younger pupils) or 1.5 hours (Y11-13). So it was 8.00 at the earliest before anyone was available to do anything - and the younger pupils went to bed at 9.30. That hour or so was literally the only down time. I was a live in assistant house mistress. Most schools with day pupils are arranged so that they don’t miss out, as much for the school’s convenience as anything - you can’t coach a sports team if half your options won’t be available at coaching times, for eg. Same for music and drama activities.

Our kids were day pupils at boarding schools. Friends were often desperate to spend weekends with us because they were lonely. A friend worked as a houseparent: she would spend much of her time comforting crying children at bedtime, some as young as 7.

That's heartbreaking. My daughter is 4 and I can't imagine sending her away from me in 3 years, or ever, to be honest.

Does anybody know if there's a significant difference in the numbers of adults diagnosed with boarding school syndrome who boarded before age 13 vs from age 13+? Or between those who were sent to board vs those who chose to board? I wonder if it's particularly prominent in those who boarded as young children and those who were not consulted.

I'm really interested to read up on it but am currently slightly sceptical as it's being measure in (presumably) such a small and easily identified section of the population. I could easily be diagnosed with boarding school syndrome due to:
difficulties forming and maintaining relationships
low self esteem
eating disorder
fear of intimacy
anxiety
perfectionism
self harm
disconnection from others
Except I couldn't because I didn't go to boarding school. I went to a bog standard comprehensive and had a very normal, mostly lovely lower middle class upbringing. There must be huge numbers of people with these issues. Few of them will have gone to boarding school because not many people do. So my question would be, how many of those diagnosed with boarding school syndrome would have developed these problems regardless of their schooling due to their personality, genetics or other environmental factors? I guess there's no way of knowing.

But the difference usually is that people have to use childcare for young babies because a lot of households need 2 incomes, and most jobs don't accommodate taking a baby or child to work! The baby is collected at the end of the day and has bedtime with its parents.

There are many other options to boarding school. As I said previously I know several DC who board who have a SAHP so not the only option For them. Even people working hugely long hours (if they could afford BS) could either use "after school care" - for want of a better word - lots of private schools, that have boarding, have the option to do homework/sport etc at school and still be collected later. Or a nanny.

My husband went to boarding school from the age of 12. He loved it & got on very well there.

We know someone whose dc begged to become a boarder for final 2 years of secondary school & the school was 20 mins from home.

The dc totally thrived & went on to a top university etc. They have a great home life & relationship.

It isn't all bad though I do have qualms about the idea of sending primary aged kids. That seems v tough.

Is that not simply an issue of geography though?
Did you not consider the location of the house when you bought it?
If pre children, then I would have moved to a more accessible location rather than send my children to boarding school.
I think rather than have them board you should have considered moving.
Life is a series of compromises, but sending my children away for them to thrive would not have been a choice I was willing to make.

The advantageous are numerous. They gain great independance, make life long friends, excellent sporting facilities, no waste of time driving to/from school/sports. No laundry.

None of these things are unique to boarding school imo

I think it requires an emotional numbing to survive, even in the best boarding schools, that is premature for someone younger than 16 and can have life long negative consequences in terms of mental wellbeing and ability to be emotional vulnerable with close family and friends.

Why don’t you move to a less remote spot? Unless you live in Outer Mongolia there must be somewhere you can live that is more conducive to having your kids at home every day?