To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

The thing is, it's very obvious from knowing these families that that is not the case when talking about Senior schools for pupils aged 13+. They are full of boarders (often 600-800 boarding pupils) who have mostly been day pupils at prep schools up to age 13 and have really involved (often too involved!!), loving, happy families. I know they are families who are genuinely invested in their children because I see them grow up with us from age 3 - 13 and then move on to board.

I couldn't tell you why these families all make their individual decisions that teenage boarding is what they are going to do and I don't think I'd do it - but I can absolutely tell you it's not because they don't want their children. They believe the are doing the absolute best they can for their children (maybe they're right, maybe they're wrong, I suspect it depends on the child). But these teens are loved and wanted.

Lots of kids don’t “thrive” at Boarding school.

They get bullied, have attachment issues in adulthood and, in the case of single sex boarding schools, can have a lot of difficulty with (and some very strange ideas about) opposite sex relationships.

You’re only 20 minutes away, OP, so presumably exeat weekends etc aren’t an issue. Many boarders are continents away from their parents, or any extended family, so get ‘hosted’ during the shorter holidays.

Not always a choice though. I went to Boarding Shool from age 6 due to death of DF

@RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown

My dad won a full academic scholarship to a very prestigious boarding school (I won't say which one) in the late 60s/early 70s. There he was physically and sexually assaulted by a teacher.
He never disclosed it until he was in his 60s. It affected him his entire life.

I wouldn't wish what happened to him on my worst enemy.

There was a boarding school in the next town to me that had a reputation of sexual abuse as recently as the late 90s. Amazingly, the school still operates as a private day school. They no longer take boarders. They worked VERY hard to scrub their image clean, but those of us who have been around a bit longer haven't forgotten.

Because you made a thread asking for opinions on boarding.

I wouldn't send my dogs to boarding school!

My children went to a private senior school that had boarding. I did ask them if they ever fancied staying over sometimes (you could book short stays like a hotel) to be with their boarder friends but they were very emphatic in their no. They did stay at the boarding once for a weekend for a school event (not paid) and didn’t like it, they liked to switch off from school after normal school hours, but you can’t do that there.

I have a young teen.

It's things like having a cup of tea in the morning together before his siblings are awake. Making dinner together. Going in to his bedroom just before he goes to sleep for a chat and to say night night. Seeing his excitement when a new episode of Young Sheldon comes on Netflix. Him asking me to check his ear because it hurts. The chatter between him and his siblings, him popping to the shop and coming back with a can of pop for me because he knows I like it and vice versa. Those moments in the car on the school run when we are singing.

I can't imagine not having those tiny but oh so meaningful day to day interactions with my children.

I know that parents of Boarders really want to believe that abuse doesn't happen anymore but really, you need to wake up.
If you wanted to abuse children where would you decide to work? Would you perhaps choose an institution where children are separated physically and emotionally from their parents? A place where organisational reputation comes above anything else because at the end of the day, it's a business.
Aside, from the risk of attracting abusers, the separation of children from their parents creates an unhealthy dynamic between them which leads to increased bullying and abuse.
The sad thing is, you know these risks. Deep down, you know.

Are you just boasting that you can afford boarding school?

I don't think do. I think the OP worries that people will judge her and has reservations herself which she is trying to ignore but it's there.

There's a lot of saying parents put dc in boarding schools because they can't be bothered to parent.

IMO it's MUCH more a snob thing, it's what their peers do, what their parents did, it's a feeling they will let their dc down by not giving them a boarding school education. They care hugely about the brand of school - one gazillionaire friend is always apologising because his ds with SEN is at a "minor" public school (but another is at Eton so that's OK). They do feel guilty about not bringing up their children themselves, hence the amount of time they spend driving to see hockey matches, taking dc on crazily expensive holidays etc and generally bowing to their will during the holidays.

There is so much talk in certain circles about "Oh, day school," which is seen as inferior. My posh friends (and I have many because dh went to boarding school and at uni they all bonded together) clearly see me as some sort of radical leftie because dc go/went to private day schools

Attachment theory.

@MapleTreeValley that is a life lesson, not to run from difficult situations. Additionally they do have their own space they can retire to and a lot of support from others their own age to help negotiate this.

You're negative is actually a huge positive

🤯

Mind blown by this response!

This what I was thinking

@SeaweedSundress no its not always possible to make a child 'thrive' in any school. Perhaps they need more support, or they may need an environment where learning isn't crammed into 9-3pm or maybe the additional sporting and art classes that are intwined in the school day makes their self esteem grow and that affects their entire outlook on life and makes them thrive?

There are so many possibilities here. No one school is right for any child, its about finding the right school for the right child.

i am the daughter of a man who went to boarding school. He was a deeply damaged man who then went on to damage his own children. He had other trauma on top of the boarding school but the combination of these factors was toxic. All he had know and experienced was cruelty and all he could give was cruelty or a twisted interpretation of love.

I despise boarding school because I went to boarding school for 7 years.

you IMO is really not right in most cases. Many are not ultra rich, if you could only see how many are on part paying fees.

This is really misinformed.
Newsflash: those of us that didn't Board do not have problems functioning in society. We cope just fine with difficult situations.
Read up on Attachment theory and you will learn that actually children need the safe space of their parents to grow and develop and let out their emotions. Forcing them to deal with it on their creates mental health issues later in life.

I experienced both the shithouse local comp and boarding school. The former was a nightmare insofar as poor teachers relegated to crowd control and being auxiliary social services rather then actually teaching. Crap facilities, shared text books, bullying, an almost anti education attitude from some parents and kids. I hated it. Folks sent me to boarding school for the last four years of school. It was night and day the difference, small well behaved classes, excellent facilities, loads of extra curricular activities, superb teachers passionate about their subject, a can do positive attitude. I left the place heading off to uni with a sense of what I wanted to do with my life and a bit of confidence in myself. I was a nervous wreck at the comp and absolutely flourished at boarding school. Well into my 40s now and still in touch with school friends.

I don't really understand why people have kids if they don't want kids.

I don't mean having an unwanted pregnancy and wanting to see it through rather than terminating and then adopting the child to a carefully selected loving family etc... but cases of having a child, pretending to be a parent but then sending them willingly away to an 'orphanage/care/prison' type institution so you can play at basically be a 'Disney/Mcdonalds/Weekend parent' on the small amount of time they do actually see you.

Lets be honest its not actually parenting... while yes children need other stuff in life and a parent can't do everything 24/7, you are outsourcing almost the entirety of the parenting job (and I really struggle to believe its genuinely for the children not the parents and most the comments here show that its not good for the children). It just seems people can't be arsed to be full time parents and put their lives, jobs, freedoms before their kids but passify themselves with lies that its 'for the children'.

All institutions like this throughout history have ended in horrible scandals and left a legacy of trauma, boarding schools are just one of the very few clinging on but I highly doubt they magically don't have any of the same issues.

You are right about schools but there is one thing that it is true for ALL children. Living with a caring and loving family is the single best indicator of emotional resilience and strength in later life.

Yeah, right, boarding schools are FULL of kids on bursaries, poor kids. Not. There's a token handful pulled out to argue against VAT on fees. They're places for very, very rich kids.