Page 15 | To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown · 2024-08-25T20:57:19+00:00

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school? And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be. But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

Crystallizedring · 26/08/2024 04:39

Every adult I know who went to boarding school hated it. One of them is in her 20s and doesn't really talk to her parents anymore because she's so resentful.
I would miss my kids and I think they would also miss us and wouldn't enjoy being on a timetable all day ( I know they get free time but not a lot from what I've heard).

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 26/08/2024 04:42

I talked with someone recently who was a boarder in his country. He then came to this country. I asked him he missed his parents. He said “no, I was at boarding school so I don’t really know them”. My husband the same. Their own parents are strangers.

Tonight37 · 26/08/2024 04:45

What do I think goes on there? I think children are separated from their primary caregivers

W0tnow · 26/08/2024 04:57

My daughter begged to go to boarding school. BEGGED! In different circumstances (for example yours - 20 mins away) I’d have absolutely allowed her to. I know loads of boarding school kids. All but one loved it, she begged to go, then begged to come home. And of course she was allowed back. Nothing is irreversible.

Im in the firmly against camp for little kids though.

Id sooner see a 13 year old in boarding school who can ask to come home than a baby in daycare 5 days a week. They’re being separated from their primary caregivers, no? And being looked after by people who don’t love them?

marcopront · 26/08/2024 04:57

InevitableNameChanger · 25/08/2024 22:05

I'd say most of people I know as adults who went to boarding school are either alcoholics, have a drug problem, or a eating disorder

And that has undoubtedly skewed my opinion

Of course,. hopefully schools aren't quite as grim these days and don't cause as much trauma

Do you know the type of school every adult you know went to?
Maybe some of the adults who are well adjusted went to boarding school but haven't told you.

Mugaloaf · 26/08/2024 05:06

If I could go back in time I would beg my parents not to send me.

I boarded from the age of 8. 😢

Feelingstrange2 · 26/08/2024 05:21

Children can't chat daily to a loved one about issues - no, WhatsApp is not the same. They can't manoeuvre out of friendship groups. Unwanted peer pressure must sometimes be overwhelming. The potential for misery or emotionally checking out is too high for me.

No one has to have children. The world doesn't need any more. If you want to send them away for most of the time, why have them?

SapphOhNo · 26/08/2024 05:24

Way to outsource your parenting. Why not just get a dog?

Codlingmoths · 26/08/2024 05:29

coxesorangepippin · 25/08/2024 22:06

I hated every minute. I was sent to one of the top boarding schools and would have been far happier at a local comp or grammar. I've not kept in touch with anyone from school.

I have also found out subsequently that bullying was rife. Much of it sexual.

And one of the teachers has been done for inappropriate behavior

^

You could say this about any school, Boarding or otherwise

With the absolutely massive difference that this every minute of it that the poster hated was 24 hours a day, not a school day and home you go to your safe space and family.

Zonder · 26/08/2024 05:44

Janedoe82 · 26/08/2024 00:21

Nope. I work in this field. Could write the script.

Show quote history

Scary that you could leap to such judgemental response when you clearly haven't read their previous post about what they have lived with for 15 years. I hope you listen to people better in your professional life.

CarmelaBrunella · 26/08/2024 05:56

W0tnow · 26/08/2024 04:57

My daughter begged to go to boarding school. BEGGED! In different circumstances (for example yours - 20 mins away) I’d have absolutely allowed her to. I know loads of boarding school kids. All but one loved it, she begged to go, then begged to come home. And of course she was allowed back. Nothing is irreversible.

Im in the firmly against camp for little kids though.

Id sooner see a 13 year old in boarding school who can ask to come home than a baby in daycare 5 days a week. They’re being separated from their primary caregivers, no? And being looked after by people who don’t love them?

Edited

It's not 24/7

Zonder · 26/08/2024 05:58

Janedoe82 · 26/08/2024 00:36

Yes- but that wasn’t clear in previous post.

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It was very clear in their post of 23:14.

KNein · 26/08/2024 06:24

I'd say most of people I know as adults who went to boarding school are either alcoholics, have a drug problem, or a eating disorder
I'd say most of those I was at boarding school with are either alcoholics, have a drug problem, an eating disorder, or have had a breakdown. I don't know anyone who wasn't unscathed by the experience. For that reason, it has never even been an option for my DC, even as a day pupil. I also find it hard to reconcile my parents' choice to send me now that my DC are a similar age.

Simonjt · 26/08/2024 06:27

My husband attended what is still considered one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the UK, bullying was absolutely rife and the only people who were safe were those from certain families, racism was rife in both pupils and staff, sexual assault was completely normal and in some cases enabled by staff. Drug use was both normal and common. Anytime anything was reported the parents who frankly couldn’t be arsed to raise their children would bleat the school was perfect, their darling loved it, nothing like that ever happens.

I can’t imagine sending my children to live elsewhere rather than facilitate friendships and taking them to various sports clubs. If you’re kids aren’t thriving at home you fix your parenting, you don’t send them away.

OhshutupNancy · 26/08/2024 06:34

abbey44 · 25/08/2024 23:44

I have two DC, both of whom boarded full-time, one from 13-16, the other from 13-18, and for us it was pretty much the only option although both of them were happy to board at the time. I was on my own, their father, my XH, didn’t play an active role in their lives (over a five-year period he saw them twice, once for two days, the other for three) so I had zero support there. I was also primary carer for my elderly and sick parent, who needed 24-hour care and I did that Monday to Friday on my own. At weekends I had respite care and I made a 600 mile round trip to spend the time with my DC every weekend.

Had they been at home and at school locally, I wouldn’t have been able to be fully present for them, however much I’d have wanted to be. There’s only so many ways you can split yourself. As it was, boarding gave them stability, a close circle of friends and guidance through the all-important exam years, for which I was truly thankful.

We have a good relationship now and though I regret in some ways that I missed being there for everything, I still feel it was the best decision under the circumstances. If I’d been in a stable relationship, with support, and no elderly parent to care for it would probably been a completely different decision.

Life isn’t perfect, and we do the best we can for our children with the circumstances we have. We should respect other people’s decisions, even when they differ from our own.

I would rather have put my Parent into care than my Kids. I was also a single Mum for many years and juggled working FT and then some to make ends meet. I guess we all make choices.

Simonjt · 26/08/2024 06:38

whiteroseredrose · 25/08/2024 22:43

My stepfather went to Boarding School and hated it, as did his brother. Ironically his father had also hated Boarding School but his solution was to send his sons to a different one 🤔.

It would have been a no for my DC because we liked having them around, having breakfast and dinners together, having outings and trips as a family.

That doesn’t surprise me, people who haven’t experienced being part of a family growing up often then don’t have the skills to be part of a family once they reach adulthood.

deleteitforpro56 · 26/08/2024 06:38

They aren't loved at school. Most don't get the attention they need on a day to day basis. Lots aren't happy on a day to day basis.

sashh · 26/08/2024 06:43

Sagarmatha · 25/08/2024 22:04

Absolutely 💯 this.

I hated every minute. I was sent to one of the top boarding schools and would have been far happier at a local comp or grammar. I've not kept in touch with anyone from school.

I have also found out subsequently that bullying was rife. Much of it sexual.

And one of the teachers has been done for inappropriate behaviour.

Show quote history

This was my experience at a comp.

I think all children are individuals and some suit a certain type of school, others don't and some don't fit any school.

CarmelaBrunella · 26/08/2024 06:44

Cantbelievethatimafoolagain · 26/08/2024 00:18

I don't see the problem if they are teenagers and are coming back on the weekend. Those that have working parents won't be home till at least 6 pm or later. Most teenagers will be in their room, won't see parents much anyway. Parents busy and doing housework. There's not much bonding going on in the evenings is there?! What parent is reading to their 13 year old in the evening? Surely it makes weekends more precious and you can put all your focus and energy into your kids. Also, if theyre getting more holidays as well then even better.

That's not the point. You're seeing them every day, you're seeing them after school, you notice changes, nuances in behaviour. They might be in their room, but come to see you about something - because you're there. Small problems get sorted.
It's a choice. I loved the day to day interactions. Mine are adults now, believe me, it goes quickly.
Put that critical time and care in while you can.

Brightredtulips · 26/08/2024 06:45

They're basically a care home for unwanted children .

Georgethecat1 · 26/08/2024 06:53

I’m a strange parent where I love being around them. I miss them if I have to work away for 1 night. I just don’t think I could physically or mentally do boarding school, I love being around my kids, I miss them term time when they are at school.

Chillimuma · 26/08/2024 06:53

InevitableNameChanger · 25/08/2024 22:05

I'd say most of people I know as adults who went to boarding school are either alcoholics, have a drug problem, or a eating disorder

And that has undoubtedly skewed my opinion

Of course,. hopefully schools aren't quite as grim these days and don't cause as much trauma

Yep. My husband sent to boarding school and now a depressed alcoholic. He still doesn't think it’s linked…

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 26/08/2024 06:56

I can't understand why you would choose to send your children to a school that means you don't see them for extended periods of time. I didn't have my child to send her off to do her growing up somewhere else.

I can see how it might benefit kids from military families, as they'd get the stability of one school instead of moving around. Or, if there was a specialist subject that your child excelled at and was passionate about doing. But not just for every day schooling. I don't know how they would thrive more than being a day student at an equally good school and coming home to a loving family environment.

babyproblems · 26/08/2024 06:58

Ceebs85 · 25/08/2024 22:04

I feel like the fact you're so close is somehow much worse 😂🙈

I thought this too! Surely they can just come home most nights at least.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 26/08/2024 07:06

Hands up who wants to work all day, then spend the evening and night away from their family, at their workplace, surrounded by the people they've worked with all day, and dependent upon their boss for all of their basic living needs and their mental wellbeing, for ten weeks at a time?

I can see why this works for parents who actually have to live that way themselves (army, foreign service) but if you wouldn't want to live that way yourself then why would you impose it on your children?