Wow, you really set yourself up for a beating with this question, didn't you!!
One thing I always notice about these threads is how many people (naturally) focus on their own, their partner's, their sibling's or their parents' experiences. Those experiences are very valid, of course, but they don't take into account the huge changes in modern boarding, even within the last 15-20 years.
I work in a school with boarders and have done since 2007.
In 2007:
- Boarders were in the minority but there was a sizeable number of full and weekly boarders right across ages 7 - 13. A good mix of international students, military/foreign office families, families where boarding was the 'done thing' and a few from dysfunctional families
- The boarding houseparents were caring but very strict. Children had to read silently on their beds for half an hour before lights out. There was absolutely no talking after quiet time had begun. There were designated phone times that they couldn't call outside. They had screen time for half an hour twice a week. All free time was organised.
- 98% of the children went on to be full or weekly boarders at their Senior Schools so loads boarded in their last year or term to 'get used to it'. A lot of those did not want to.
- The children moved on to a wide range of Senior Schools all over the country. Boarding was a necessity if they wanted to attend that school. They weren't really choosing boarding, they were being coached to want that particular school - either because of family links or a particular characteristic/offerring of the school.
In 2024:
- Boarders are a tiny minority and almost all of them are age 10+. Boarding at age 7 is vanishingly rare at almost all schools now. All of our boarders are either international, military or there to avoid extremely difficult backgrounds/home lives (think county lines, domestic abuse, young carers, ACEs etc).
- The boarding houseparents are still caring but also flexible, laid back and fun. They have had extensive training to help them deal with the huge issues lots of the boarders arrive with. There is a higher staff:pupil ratio than there used to be. The evening schedules are much more flexible (and louder!) The boarders can ask for their phones to call home whenever they like (discouraged during the school day itself) and they get a little more screen time (not a huge amount more, tbh). They don't have to take part in structured free time - activities are always available but they can also just chill out, read, watch tv, play games etc if they prefer.
- More children go on to be day pupils at their Senior Schools. About 65-70% still become boarders at 13 but they don't tend to start before then in preparation. Our day children often flexi board 1 night a week but they stay day children until they leave.
- The vast majority go on to one of three Senior Schools within 20 - 60 minutes of their homes. They have the choice of being boarders or day pupils so the ones who board from 13+ have usually chosen it rather than been 'sent' there. They can switch to being a day pupil if they decide they don't like it. Most seem to like it.
The change in the 17 years I've been there is very noticeable. But even back in 2007 it wasn't like people are describing their experiences in the 1980s and 1990s. There is always cereal, toast, fruit, biscuits, hot chocolate etc before bed. There are always bedtime stories and cuddles for little ones. There are always adults to call on if they are upset, sick or just awake in the night. Nobody has to cry themselves to sleep alone. Bullying happens less and is hard not to notice when it is happening. Children don't tend to keep quiet about it any more (the toxic anti 'snitching' culture is well and truly dead) and, when you're around children all the time, it's hard to miss it anyway. Children who don't settle after a decent try and who obviously hate it do not tend to stay as boarders.
I don't think boarding before 13 is a positive thing for any child from a loving, well adjusted family.
I don't think I would personally choose boarding after 13 unless the child could make a really strong case for why it was better for them.
But to suggest modern boarding parents have made some terrible decision that is going to affect their relationship with their children and/or their children's mental health forever is unfair and untrue. Modern Senior Schools produce 1000s of well rounded, balanced, articulate, confident, compassionate, delightful young people. As do day schools of course. But the point is that these young people have enjoyed their education, love their families and are perfectly well set up for functional adulthood.