To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

I don’t despise boarding school but I wouldn’t send my children to one. I was a day pupil at a school where half of the children were boarders and even though it sometimes looked fun from the outside, the dramas were off the scale. There was always someone crying because they were homesick or because of friendship issues.

They come home each night to a loving family, that’s the difference.

I think boarding school can be problematic because of bullying etc (actually, my child's tutor worked at a local private school and said never to send my kids there, as smaller classes means the rich bullies behaviour isn't diluted!).

Your situation where your kids chose to go, not forced to go... at 13. Go for it. You no doubt spend loads of quality time in the weekends or holidays.

Mumsnet is filled of middle class people that "think" they're rich, but couldn't afford nearly £90k a year to send 2 kids to school. So it challenges their thinking. I include myself in this middle class high(ish) income challenging thinking bracket.

People that attended boarding schools, when talking to non-boarders tend to fall into a few categories IMP when talking to people that didn't attend

• they loved it but play it down or don't tell people they were boarders to fit in
• they loved it, talk about it all the time and will send their kids there
• it was okay but very expensive/ waste of money
• they hated it and tell everyone

The "hated it" ones are more vocal and mix more with middle classes and so are over-represented in middle class chats.

For some kids it's more like uni really. I loved my 6th form. I would have moved in if I could have!

Don't worry about other people's opinions. Especially on forums. You're the only one that sees the reality of your child thriving. You're not a disengaged parent that dumped your kids there.

As your DH loved his experience, and you are as you say from a different country where boarding is not a thing, then you most probably haven't met the vast number of men who were fucked up beyond redemption by their years in boarding school.

I didn't have children so i could outsource their care to strangers 24/7.

I think it's sheer laziness to live 20 minutes away from the school and send them to live there rather than just driving them to see their friends every now and again. Did you just not want to do the school run as well?

Absolutely bizarre to me. And boarding from 8 is completely and totally unfathomable. Why even bother having kids?

Same here.

OP… the damage it can do probably won’t even register, for you or them, for another 2-3 decades. But it is damaging. To never have the chance to feel totally safe and calm and private and to be away from hour peers.

I know it’s not what you want to hear. But it creates inevitable distance and disassociation between parent and child. However hard you try to make up for that.

I don’t mean to criticise your choices or necessity. But it is better for children to be with their parents. (Unless they’re abusive obviously).

As an ex boarder with lasting psychological damage as a result of being ‘sent away to school’ there is no way I would ever ever send my child to a boarding school, no matter how much they begged.

yes I made lasting friends but I also know several of the girls I went to school with who are also similarly damaged. I know that practice has changed so some of the issues would not now arise, but some aspects of boarding school life that affected me are still there, and inherent in boarding. So no.

Unfortunately these type of parents think the prestige, privilege and opportunity this gives their child is worth all the bullying.

I think for GCSE or A level it may be good but would never send my kids to boarding school before 14. I want them at home with me.

My DC had the option to board at their school but said no which made me very happy because I didn't want them to but I was prepared to go with it if they felt they wanted to try it. (Older teenagers) They had friends who boarded who seemed to get on ok. I had an aunt who boarded who loved it, her brother hated boarding so much his mum and dad took him away. It seems so individual, like anything with children, a mix of child's personality and the environment. I suspect some children really like it, it wouldn't be for others. If living remotely is a factor I would genuinely move so they didn't have to board.

A bad day at school, you come home, hopefully to a loving family. Not if you are there 24/7 for several weeks at a time.

This book on boarding school syndrome sums up why many people don't think they are a good idea

www.amazon.co.uk/Boarding-School-Syndrome-Joy-Schaverien/dp/041569003X?dplnkId=8a5da9a0-7582-4b38-b667-0397f37fd1f6

I know lots of people who went to boarding and now are traumatised because they felt abandoned by their parents.

For me it's a completely unnatural way to raise your children. Should be banned for primary school, in my opinion. The idea of sending an eight year old to live with strangers is absolutely bananas.

Oh my goodness, not when they're doing GCSEs! It's stressful, they need to decompress, a break from the school environment and talk to you.

Summary from the book mentioned above

"Divided into four parts, History: In the Name of Privilege; Exile and Healing; Broken Attachments: A Hidden Trauma, and The Boarding School Body, the book includes vivid case studies of ex-boarders in psychotherapy. Their accounts reveal details of the suffering endured: loss, bereavement and captivity are sometimes compounded by physical, sexual and psychological abuse. Here, Joy Schaverien shows how many boarders adopt unconscious coping strategies including dissociative amnesia resulting in a psychological split between the 'home self' and the 'boarding school self'. This pattern may continue into adult life, causing difficulties in intimate relationships, generalized depression and separation anxiety amongst other forms of psychological distress."

I went to boarding school and had a pretty miserable time.

My husband went to boarding school and loved it.

Neither of us would send our children to boarding school because we both believe that children need the daily support of adults who love them.

Why do you live in such a remote place when you have children? Maybe your DC’s drive to go boarding is because it’s lonely and isolated where you live and it’s miserable for them long term. If you lived somewhere less so they probably would have just been happy to stay as day pupils. So basically are they just making the best of a not great situation (isolated living).

Unfortunately, as the main (only) breadwinner, I was only able to afford a minor day school, but my dream was weekly boarding with the end of the week at home. I shall tell you what is happening when people say boarding schools are horrid: jealousy. I, for one, was jealous I could only afford a minor day school.

You may find The Making of Them by Nick Duffell an interesting read. It explores the negative impacts of boarding and probably covers a lot of what you are interested in regarding why people may not view them positively

However we live in a remote area. They have no friends (there are no houses) within walking distance. At school they not only see friends every evening, they are also able to practice their very different sports, which wouldn't have been viable outside of this school.

@RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown I can see that this isn’t ideal with teenagers but in your situation I think I’d probably just move house. Is there a reason you couldn’t do this - are you farmers or something similar?

Not a dig, just a genuine question!

Yes I’m incredibly jealous that I didn’t suffer sexual assault, neglect, abuse, or bullying at school like many of my husbands classmates.

I really don’t think it is jealousy for most people 😬

I live in an affluent area where a lot of parents could afford to send their children to boarding schools but most choose not to.

I don’t “despise” boarding school and I do know what’s going on there, having been a boarder myself from age 9. I had no bullying, didn’t hate school, had friends, both my schools were nice. However, I can see how it affected me as an adult and the relationships I’ve chosen. I would definitely not send my dc to boarding school.

Jealousy? No. I have sometimes been jealous of some of the things ds's relatives have had at private school vs his comprehensive, such as a really strong classical music culture. But I have never felt the slightest wisp of jealousy about boarding vs day school. My dad boarded from 6 years old. My late dh weekly boarded from 8 years old. There is nothing that is not fucked up about a society that allows that.

😂 oh dear, this a reach. It's quite the opposite. I think we all love our children deeply and want to offer them that connection and closeness that comes with living together. Institutional living = increased risk of abuse. We don't want to take that chance with our children.