To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

No he’s changed one institution for another and the paras are rife for bullying and sexual assaults sadly.

If my children were miserable because they were missing spending time with their friends and couldn't do any sport where we live then I'd sooner move. I wouldn't voluntarily spend 5 days a week away from them, its usual to want your kids around....its not that complicated. Interesting to hear how boarding school parents rationalise it though.

Myself and my husband both went to boarding school, we both deeply resent our parents for sending us and other than my husband saying the extracurricular sports were ‘okay’ we both absolutely hated it. His younger brother on the other hand stayed at home and has a much better relationship with his mum (their dad died), his older sister also went and again their relationship is strained. I swore I’d never send my children away from home. I just don’t see the point in having them if you’re going to just ship them off. I remember reciting lines from my favourite film over and over at night just to get to sleep, it was such a lonely horrible feeling. My parents were army and my mum said I was ‘better off’ staying in one place than with my family. But 20 minutes away….? What on earth are you doing?? And even if they say they’re okay with it, trust me they won’t be as they grow up. I’m not really sure why you asked this on here though, if you’re anything like either of our mothers the responses you get will only satisfy your own curiosity and in no way sway you to raise your children properly - at home with their families.

I have known 4 people who went to boarding school, FIL, BIL and two work colleagues. Three of them had MH issues and the other was very cold and a poor communicator.

I know several people whose children board, having they themselves been boarders. All very wealthy and to be honest not exactly Mother Earth types- more kids away dinner party and spa break types.

Your thread title if you despise boarding school what exactly you think goes on there implies that you expect only people without personal experience of boarding school to despise it. Yet time and again these boarding school threads are filled with posters who went to boarding school themselves and know exactly what goes on and absolutely despise it and feel deeply damaged by it.

I'm prepared to believe that things at boarding schools have changed enormously since my day but the fact remains that even in the most wonderful school (with bullying, eating disorders, drugs, abuse and that's just between the teachers all miraculously eradicated) the boarding child is still missing out on being parented for a large chunk of their teenage life by their own family. And those parents are abdicating the thrills and spills of parenting their teenagers to others who are usually less invested in each child. Something is lost that changes that parent -child relationship for ever.

My parents didn't know my friends. (Friends all lived 1000s of miles away) They didn't have to deal with me smoking and drinking (I only did it at school). They didn't have to worry about me staying out late at parties or know about my first boyfriend (or 2nd, 3rd or 4th). They didn't even know they existed. It all happened off their watch. My parents and I became polite fond acquaintances with separate lives.

Losing the parent -child bond is just not worth it in return for some decent sports facilities and orchestra practice.

I think that's a fair comment, a good mate of mine who teaches with me was a boarder, he's very confident a giving more or less anything a go, and very good at survivalist skills - but as a person he has the communication skillset of David Brent, forever putting his foot in it or winding people up.

I'm off to bed and honestly can't get into it all...PersonIrresponsible's post covered a lot of it and most of the major points have been made by pps.

The OP asked what we think ‘goes on there’.
Well if you are to believe what you read in the media - loads of drugs & alcohol, underage sex, they all have a second mobile phone hidden in their room so they can be on social media all night etc etc
Hoping I’m wrong! And obviously kids everywhere can get up to this stuff but given you are outsourcing some of parenting when you send DC to boarding school you’d hope the schools had some control over what goes on

You could, but boarding school kids are stuck there! State pupils get to leave and get a break.

I actually feel teenagers need quite a lot of parental input. I spent quite a lot of time with my 17 year old and gave her a lot of support during her GCSE'S. Especially emotionally, yes she could have got the educational support from school (and did get quite a bit) but I don't think they could have replaced the emotional support.

I may not have boarded, but my Dad worked a lot when I was this age. So I didn't spend much time with him at all. Consequently I didn't develop much of a relationship with him, which has meant even as an adult I don't have a close relationship with him. You can never get that back as an adult once you have moved out and left home. Even as teenagers you need to spend a lot of time and effort with them to develop a good relationship. My Dad left that to my mum and realised to late what he had missed. Weekends don't count enough I'm afraid or it didn't for us.

My reservations would probably be the same as yours OP - you mentioned you had some before your children begged to go - so I’m guessing you know how those of us that aren’t keen on boarding school feel.

For me the handful of adults that went to boarding school are actually pretty successful adults on paper but have something missing - there’s a sadness somewhere - I can’t generalise but I’m guessing it comes from having to grow up pretty quick during a time where you are still developing and relying on friendships over “parent guidance”.

Alrhough I remember reading the Novel Brave New World and there is a part of it that debates how being connected to our families can be a hinderance. I do think being away from family makes you super confident etc but something in me isn’t ready to let my children leave for such long periods of time until they are 16-18.

Well, that's a relief.

As for the word "institution," that is exactly what a school is. Any school. I work in an institution of higher education (a university). Speaking of which, some of my students seem too young to be living on their own, even though they are adults. (Also tongue in cheek, they are all over 18, it's reasonable for them to be away from their parents.)

Yes, I get that some children have to be boarded because of family circumstances - a military career, for example - but I don't see the point of having family and then boarding them out unless there are specific learning needs that can only be met within a boarding set-up.

Children need to be raised by nurturing care givers, ideally in a family setting and not an institution following rules and routines where they are just one of many.

Attachment issues, not seeing your children everyday, missing out on everyday ordinary moments of wonder and humour ..... Just why would anyone send their children away?

Children are children for such a short time. I dont want to waste that time sending them away. I want to be there for them

I've never been or ever known anyone who has gone so can't speak from experience but I don't like the idea of shipping a child off to school and never seeing them. I'd miss them! And I imagine any child would feel a lot of home sickness/abandonment. It just sounds like a throw money at it and forget it kind of thing. I'm sure the education part is brilliant but to just send your kid off and forget about them is barbaric. Each to their own I guess.

Well it’s what happened in mine ….

This is just weird. You seem more engaged with their matrons than with the DC. Sorry, but of course contact time is important with your kids. What else is there? If I lived too remotely, I would have moved to suit my kids. My parent went to boarding school and I know how rejected they felt about being sent away. It never left them.

… because attachment issues. Because they’re adopted. Because I didn’t make them blind through my drug and alcohol misuse while pregnant. Because, after 15.5 years, my AD2(8) and I are fed up of being assaulted, verbally abused, held hostage (yes, literally), coercively controlled and having the police out every week. Because there is fuck all support or respite from children’s social care.

It’s probably been mentioned already but in case it hasn’t, Boarding School Syndrome.

I know literally nobody who went to boarding school and it just seems like such a strange concept to me. Especially for really young kids.

Why not just pop them into state run childrens home? Save yourself 30k and they would have qualified people to deal with their childhood trauma 🙄

I worked with a girl "Molly" many years ago, who was sent away to boarding school all term, and in the holidays, spent the whole time at the holiday club where I worked. I suppose she was 8 or 9. She used to pretend to be her own twin, and said that her parents were having special, quality time with "Molly" that day, which is why she the "twin", was at holiday club in her place 😥.