To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

If my children were older and were keen on flexi-boarding (spending a couple nights a week at school) I would consider it. I can see the benefit if there is a combination of early starts and late finished, maybe also paired with a longer commute, to staying at school. I would probably be okay with full boarding from 16, but again only if child driven.

I don’t think boarding is inherently good or bad - in some situations (parents frequently relocating, kids with special talents / interests for example) it is probably the best option for the child, but like all of our choices it comes with trade-offs. I agree with other posters that the little bits of your day with your child are actually pretty important, even if they feel pretty mundane at the time, and that is something you lose when you board. In some situations it will be a worthwhile tradeoff, in others it will not, but the calculation will be child and school dependent and sweeping judgements for or against are pretty narrow minded.

I don’t have hugely strong opinions but I think it is very very different having a 13 year old weekly boarding to an 8 year old boarding for a term at a time. Actually, I do have a strong opinion that the latter is absolutely wrong. The former I think is completely contextual based on the child, their wishes and the school environment.

@WhompingWillows I cannot imagine how emotionally draining caring for your AD must be. I am in awe of you. In your situation it makes absolute sense for everyone's sake that your daughter boards.

It’s not so much what goes on there but the bafflement I feel at the fact that you don’t want to see your children.

Schools are institutions. Boarding schools are places where children are forced to live in an institutional setting 24/7, with nowhere else to go. They must remain within the physical and mental bounds of the institution and adhere to its rules for every waking moment. I don’t know what else you’d call it.

I think your situation (teenagers that decided they wanted to board 5 days a week and come home every weekend) is so different to a 8-11 year old being forced to board and not see their parents for weeks at a time, and being completely miserable. As a parent of teens, I don’t spend huge amounts of time with them between them getting home from school and going to bed, which is the same of many parents for different reasons- teens meeting up with their mates, doing extra curricular stuff, being in their rooms. Also parents that might work late. For us, weekends and school holidays we have a lot more family time. Mine don’t board but if they could, and they chose to at 13 and they could come home at weekends then why not?!

I agree.
If our domestic set up was making them want to leave home before adulthood, I’d change it.

I've seen lots of regional division in terms of childcare (so for example lots of professional couples who meet in London have families who live hours/countries away, and so need to rely on strangers for childcare, which naturally seems bizarre for people who have family two streets over.
Not that that is what this chat is about, but it's not unrelated IMO).

To me, it's palming off the majority of bringing your child up on someone else. I was horrifically bullied at an ordinary school, home was my sanctuary. If I had to stay in the place where I was bullied 24/7 for weeks on end, I would have topped myself.

My dad boarded from age 9. He got on okay, doesn't seemed traumatised and he happily tells me that he only got 1 beating from the prefects. He got clever at avoiding them after that. It sounds awful but he doesn't dwell on it at all.

However, he does say that he always wished he'd gone to a day school that his friends from his primary school went to nearby. He asked his parents and wasn't allowed. I think they had expectations from their parents. His boarding school was relatively close and his father's route home from work passed on a motorway nearby. My father used to go and watch the motorway to see if he could see his dad's car. That broke me, when he told me that. I couldn't do that to my kids.

I boarded for 6th form and was keen to go. To be honest,i didn't have a bad time, but I wish I hadn't gone now. Just going at 16, into a new, unusual and highly hormonal environment, and without the stability of home life in the evenings, meant that I just spent the two years trying to be liked (badly). I stayed up late all the time, drank like an idiot, and got up to so many things I really regretted with boys. I got some grades (which I am sure I'd have got anyway) but I was a bit of an emotional mess when I finished. I've never told my parents this because I know they worked hard for me to go and it was very much my choice.

Each to their own, and I'm truly glad your kids are thriving. But the above is why I won't be sending my kids to boarding school :)

They still board them at 8 fuck sake I thought that had been changed to 11/12 but looks like I’m wrong there and I’m disgusted to be honest as who sends away an 8 year old.

A 13 year old needs his or her parent to guide them in life it isn’t Mallory Towers or Hogwarts for that matter

there’s no escaping the bullying and worse if a teacher
there’s no escaping if you’re sexually assaulted either and told to shut the fuck up it didn’t happen so stop lying.
Family ties are cut
distance between parent and child that can’t be brought back but that parent thinks they are great when they’re damn not
trauma in later years that effects their mental health and relationships
pregnancy
drugs
want anymore.

oh a question for the ones that went and loved it why won’t you send your own kids what’s the reasoning if you loved it.

plus kids lie to their parents and say they love but hate it due to the money factor sadly

It was a tongue in cheek comment. It clearly didn't land.

I went to boarding school for 4 years and hated it. It was lonely, there was a lot of bullying , classism particularly.....if your house mistress didn't like you (as mine didn't) you were absolutely fucked, no break from school, there were a lot of drugs, a couple of abortions (one a girl who had slept with a man in his 30s at 14 (so..a victim of abuse) that parents never found out about) etc etc.

My parents went to state schools and sent me because they had worked hard and believed that it was the key to future success. They genuinely did it because they wanted the best for me. But I was still absolutely miserable and the day I left at the end of sixth form was one of the happiest days of my life.

In my first week I wrote in my diary that I would never ever ever send my own children to boarding school and I will stick to that promise I made myself.

I am not really in contact with anyone from the school at all, as I was so relieved to GTFO of there. I actually yesterday saw the Instagram of a girl I went there with and she was sending her oldest to boarding school and I thought how could you. How could you send your own child when you know how horrible it was ....but she comes from a long line of generations of sending their kids away so I guess she just thinks it's normal.

But I would NEVER and most people I know who went to boarding school (I know a few who went but not to my school) feel exactly the same. It's unnatural, cold, miserable and it fucks you up pretty much forever

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but I see I'm not the only former boarder telling you this.

I've taught in a boarding school for 20 years, nothing that special "goes on" in them, for some children its a wonderful experience, but I've seen enough crying every day to make me against it.

Saying that, I had a lad who came to me as his tutor every break for a year throughout year 9, sobbing, lonely etc..., ran into him last year, now all grown up and in the Para's, he reckons that boarding kicked the "wet little kid" out of him (his words) and made him a man.

Its right for some, not right for others...

I think it’s awful and don’t understand why you’d have children for them to basically not live with you, it’s really sad especially for the small kids 😢

Exactly!

I actually think it’s worse when I see babies in a nursery 7-7 x 5 days a week. How important the first 5 years are with their main caregiver are often underestimated.

I despise them because I taught/was a houseparent at some of the "best" in the UK and know exactly what goes on and how it affects young people. And that's all I'm saying on that matter because I'd be here all day.

It’s just a posh children’s home. Even inspected by the same people.

I haven’t RTFT but in answer to your question, what I think goes on is kids separated from parents, leading to a whole heap of attachment and mental health challenges. Elitism and snobbery.

@PerkyMintDeer Can you say some of it or give a brief description

Hmmm….my experience of boarding full time 8-13 at lovely small prep was bucolic & fabulous. My experience of 5 years at an exceptionally prestigious public school from 13-18 is somewhat different. I would never have admitted to my parents what went on there. No one will parent or care for your children the way you would.

I have two DC, both of whom boarded full-time, one from 13-16, the other from 13-18, and for us it was pretty much the only option although both of them were happy to board at the time. I was on my own, their father, my XH, didn’t play an active role in their lives (over a five-year period he saw them twice, once for two days, the other for three) so I had zero support there. I was also primary carer for my elderly and sick parent, who needed 24-hour care and I did that Monday to Friday on my own. At weekends I had respite care and I made a 600 mile round trip to spend the time with my DC every weekend.

Had they been at home and at school locally, I wouldn’t have been able to be fully present for them, however much I’d have wanted to be. There’s only so many ways you can split yourself. As it was, boarding gave them stability, a close circle of friends and guidance through the all-important exam years, for which I was truly thankful.

We have a good relationship now and though I regret in some ways that I missed being there for everything, I still feel it was the best decision under the circumstances. If I’d been in a stable relationship, with support, and no elderly parent to care for it would probably been a completely different decision.

Life isn’t perfect, and we do the best we can for our children with the circumstances we have. We should respect other people’s decisions, even when they differ from our own.

Absolutely this xx

I have a colleague who went to boarding school, parents were in the forces I think so travelled a lot. She talks about being more independent and mature than peers when she went to university because of her boarding experience, but also talks about how she struggles to emotionally connect with people and that she is much colder than other people as a result.