To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

So sad

Insensitive response, to say the least.

I don't see the problem if they are teenagers and are coming back on the weekend. Those that have working parents won't be home till at least 6 pm or later. Most teenagers will be in their room, won't see parents much anyway. Parents busy and doing housework. There's not much bonding going on in the evenings is there?! What parent is reading to their 13 year old in the evening? Surely it makes weekends more precious and you can put all your focus and energy into your kids. Also, if theyre getting more holidays as well then even better.

I’ve tried (it’s called a Section 20) but the LA are having none of it. They’re happy for me, my AD2(8) and my 80-year-old mother to be physically assaulted, coercively controlled, extremely verbally abused and have all our cash, bank cards and valuables stolen on a regular basis.

Nope. I work in this field. Could write the script.

Jesus Christ have you read @WhompingWillows previous post?
If not then I suggest you do then apologise.

I could have written this myself. Sadly, I have witnessed first hand the impact being sent to a boarding school at a young age has had on a loved one 😔.

I have mixed feelings on boarding school I was a day pupil at a school that also did boarding, It seemed lonely for the girls although I know some who did very well from it.

My father went to one and hated it even though he was the top student and a very high achieving athlete, I think boarding school while it provided him with a lot of opportunities definitely normalised abuse and he continued that normalisation of abuse through out his life. He absolutely hated it. My FIL has significant emotional problems some of which he developed in boarding school too.

My bff from uni ended up with a lot of emotional issues some of which she linked to her time at boarding school.

My friend sends her DD boarding to the school I attended. Her DD really likes it but there has been loads of bullying and really out there behaviour from other girls who are clearly struggling.

On balance I’m not a fan.

I know various people, including my cousins, who boarded for different reasons. Most loved it, a couple were fairly indifferent, and a few hated it.
At least some could have stopped boarding and chose not to.

These threads are always full of people saying they hated it and it's terrible in all circumstances, but that's not representative of the people I know.

I went to boarding school at 11. I’d never send my children.

They can be loved and nurtured at home. 24/5 (weekly boarder) is too intense. There’s no time just to be entirely yourself when you’re with friends constantly!! Homework and food were in school too. Strict timetables of what to do when.

I love my children too much to send them away.

Oh you must know in your situation it's completely understandable and noone would judge you.

That's not sending a child to boarding school through choice. It sounds like there really wouldn't be any other suitable options

Why do you think boarding schools aren't an institution? It's a correct terminology, is it not?

I wonder if you work for my LA? Also, just to incense you even more, the fees for my AD’s specialist college will be £100K-plus per annum. Not paid for by me. Such a shame that my LA could not run to providing weekend support for an adoptive family experiencing severe physical, emotional and coercive abuse (not by me). I have done nothing wrong. I have bust a gut for 15.5 years to make up for the prenatal and early years abuse my AD1 suffered. If you work in this field, you will understand about developmental trauma?

I have a number of male friends who had the same experience, several of whom are still emptionally battered by their experiences, even 30 years later. All went to Tonbridge. Maybe other schools were different.

To be fair though, the original question was "if you despise boarding school", so you're more likely to hear from the people who didn't enjoy it!

Thus is very different from OP's situation. I am sorry you are going through this and it is totally understandable that you would need respite.

Yes of course I understand developmental trauma. I just don’t think sending a damaged child to a boarding school is the solution. Specialist provision yes but not a universal boarding school as being discussed here.

stop Dismissing the ones that went that had a fucking traumatic time.

boarding school syndrome is a true thing look it up.

more people have some trauma from boarding school and it’s being talked more thankfully and not hidden away like in the damn past.

The way I read it this child is not being sent to a universal boarding school but to a specialist college that deals with her very difficult behavioural issues.

Yes- but that wasn’t clear in previous post.

I think boarding schools are a good choice where you are a shit or neglectful parent or if your child has complex disabilities that needs more support and care than any family can realistically give.
Otherwise children should be with their families.

It is interesting how defensive so many boarding school parents are though. I remember the metoo movement in schools where pupils at schools set up a site where other pupils could post about the sexual bullying and assaults they had experienced at school. The site was inundated with girls posting their experiences at named private schools, many top ones. Parents on MN with children in private and boarding schools were outraged, and pressure eventually made the site owners remove the names of specific schools.
If my children had been at one of those schools, instead of commenting on MN threads saying this is wrong, it happens in state schools too, I would have been talking to my kids with concern about what was happening.

which I know can be interpreted as them having a shit home life, but they don't, and time spent at home shows they love it here too.

But you've just said you live in the middle of nowhere so they have no friends nearby. Your children had to choose boarding school if they wanted to have friendships. That is because their home life does not meet their needs.

We don't live in the arsehole of nowhere. My children have friends in the area. They attend sports in the area. They don't have to sacrifice seeing their family in the evening to have that life.

I'm not anti-boarding school at all. Sometimes there is no choice. But sometimes it's just easier than making bigger choices.

I also do not think a career choice justifies boarding school. Your career is a choice. If you want children you have to make time for them in your life.

I think that some people who go to boarding school learn to mask in order to survive. They don't develop a true sense of identity. They develop a persona, an act. They eventually leave emotionally bankrupt and this is a handicap in future relationships and marriage. Both empathy and emotional intelligence erode over the years.
I find everyone I've known who's attended boarding school is an over-achiever, a doer, and very ambitious, very successful. So those are pluses but they come at a cost. The people I know also come across as controlled, programmed, even in simple conversation, which is a bit script-like, unnatural.
I do think boarding school can encourage a sort of manufactured sociopathy, a walling off of emotions/compassion/empathy as a means of survival. I think there's a real risk of children growing up with a great loss of their sense of safety within their own skin. And that's devastating.

Close family member of mine (next generation up) was sent to boarding school at 7 - it really messed him (and his siblings) up, and he still has serious attachment issues to this day. It's shaped his whole life, and from my perspective not for the better. There's nothing anyone could ever say to me to convince me to send my little one away, I can't remotely understand it.