To ask you, if you despise boarding school, what exactly you think goes on there?

[RainyDaysAndMondaysNeverGetMeDown]

As the title says, if you are one of the many anti-boarding school parents on here, what exactly do you think happens to children at boarding school?

And yes, I am a parent of boarders, having sworn I'd never be.
But having seen how my DCs have thrived (in a school 20 minutes away!) I'm curious to see how much of the perception is reality.

You don't have to wash their smelly footy uniform.
You don't have to cook for thwm
You can stay out late for drinks.
Your house is adult and kids aren't in the way.
You can switch off from parenting.

You can tell yousefl all is good because you manage them/speak to the adults in their life.

Not my priorities but presumably many people's...

And it wouldn't be every week for most people.

My DD1(16) is adopted and she is violent, aggressive and extremely verbally abusive. She is blind because her birth mother abused opiates while pregnant, plus she drank like a fish. In addition to her severe sight loss, AD1 is diagnosed with autism, ADHD, neonatal abstinence syndrome, global developmental delay, a rare autoimmune disease and binge eating disorder. As you can imagine from this description, AD1 has a lot going on and she is very difficult to live with, not least for my AD2(8), who regularly gets a boot in the shins from a platform Doctor Marten boot.

My AD1 will be boarding away from home at a national and specialist college for the blind from this September. This option will allow us to remain as a family. The alternative is that my DD returns to the care system because, after 15.5 years of adoptive parenting, I simply cannot withstand being a punchbag any more.

I envy those here with fully functional relationships with their children and teens. I have bust a gut for 15.5 years to be a good parent but I am unable to erase my DD’s prenatal and early experiences. Due to what has gone before, my DD does not enjoy living in a family setting and she has tried her best to disrupt this: earlier this year, she made a false allegation of assault against me and I was arrested, detained in custody for 21 hours, interviewed under caution and released on bail before the police decided no further action (after DD admitted she made it all up).

I don’t judge anyone any more for the choices they make in the best interests of their individual families. All I know is that my DD being able to access a specialist boarding college could most probably save her life and mine.

I love this. It's not easy consciously parenting a teen and this has made me feel something this evening for what we have given up to do this. Thankyou.

But even if it was every other week, in the absence of one parent they’d be with another or another close family member. So I fail to see the comparison that OP was drawing.

Those of you who have posted calling boarding an "institution", may I ask what caused you to use this term?

There is a lot of use of the word "sent" here.

My 2 DC both asked to board at age 13.
One full boarded, one weekly.

I would say they are both well rounded, confident, loving young adults now. We, as a family have always communicated - even whilst they were at school. Phones / face time are marvellous inventions.

I used to think it was lovely to see teenage boys hug their parents without any embarrassment at (weekly) sports matches/concerts/events.

I think boarding schools now are different to how schools were 20 years ago. Mental health is top of the agenda now.

A friend of mine went to boarding school in the 1980s as tradional in her family. For her it was an escape from a horrible mother. She only got home every second weekend. The boarding school was inly 40 mins drive from her house.
None of her children board at school although the option is there.

I am trying to understand why so many people seem to feel it's appropriate to comment on my choice

Well firstly, on this thread you're quite literally inviting opinions.

My opinion is that 'your choice' is a shit one, one that gambles with your dc's attachment to their family and their long term emotional and mental wellbeing. You obviously feel differently so if you're secure in your decision I don't know why you want the thoughts of randoms on the Internet.

@WhompingWillows That's heart breaking to read and I genuinely think that's quite a different situation and yes completely justified from anyone's perspective. She needs far more support than one couple can give. I wish you the best. You must be exhausted.

Wow. What a huge amount you’re going through. Reading your post, you can feel the struggle. You’re doing an astounding job, and it does sound like boarding school is the best thing for everyone in this specific set of circumstances.

What doesn't go on is a close relationship with family. That's what I find difficult about it. I'm sure lots of kids have fun there but I wanted my kids to have a close family experience.

This is a weird thread. In your op you are asking why people are anti boarding schools and it sounds like a general question because you dont give any details regarding your own kids boarding arrangements. So people are giving you their thoughts but then you are responding defensively and telling them thats not the case for your kids. Plenty of kids who board do board for whole terms and for kids whose parents are abroad, they might even stay with a sponsor family during some holidays. They literally are away from their family for months at a time and thats the case for lots of borders and that is obviously what pp is getting at. Personally, i dont have any issue with kids boarding, if they are happy doing it. There are pros and cons with everything and sounds like your kids are happy which is all you want. I personally wouldnt board my dc but friends do it and rave about it.

Yes...and a parent going away for a week (on business/holiday/whatever) is in no way comparable to a child living elsewhere, outside of the family home, for the majority of their time.

What I object to is the £60,000 per year cost!!
I loved boarding school but adjusted for inflation my fee’s were around £18,000 per year.
The current cost/benefit is simply unjustifiable. Of course if you have that kind of disposable income it doesn’t really matter but even if i did I wouldn’t send our two.

It's great that your DC like it and wanted to go, and that you chose to facilitate something they wanted for them.

Some children thrive in a boarding environment.
My partner has horrific trauma from it, even though his brothers enjoyed their experience. Different children, different temperaments, very different experiences. He begged his parents not to send him back - wasn't at all the right choice for him.

As with everything, it's what suits the individual, and maybe not so helpful to generalise...

I understand to an extent parents who have extremely demanding and high profile jobs and sustaining that lifestyle and finance means they have to send their kids to boarding school. Also some of the top schools are boarding and so those parents know they are giving their child the best possible education and upbringing as they cannot spend that time with their DC due to their demanding jobs. However...big however...I also think for these parents having kids means something different to them. It means passing on that opportunity of success and education and being in that circle of 'privilege' is far more important to them than being raised around your family and having the experience of family life. These children didn't ask for that lifestyle but it's forced on them because their parents think they are giving them the 'best' opportunity possible. I don't agree with it at all and can't imagine sending my DC to a boarding school especially after reading all these comments, but as I am on average wage and wfh I have no reason to, that world of elitism is an alien concept to me.

My son is 12. He’s still so young- I can’t imagine the thought of sending him away next year even if he wanted to. Especially only 20 mins away. I think what I don’t like about the idea of boarding schools is not seeing my own kids. We live fairly rural and I can still take my son to lots of sports. Also my son’s friend goes to private school and all the sport is done by half 5 at the end of the school day. He gets picked up and spends his evenings at home and hasn’t missed any sports at school.

my son loves school, loves sport, loves seeing his friend but also loves having his own room and his own space and time with me and his dad. And also needs it.

I went to boarding school as a teenager.
I loved it, and it helped me succeed.
However this was because I was escaping a very difficult home environment. It also gave me the structure I needed.

Schools are institutions. Boarding schools are institutions.

Maybe English isn't your first language so you may not have known that.

I have worked in one and I wished I couldve afforded to send my child there at the time seeing the opportunities the pupils had, but I couldn't.
I saw a real community inside those gates, happy polite pupils, very much cared for by the staff with their wellbeing an absolute priority, served delicious choices of fresh foods, the array of activities etc on offer also was astounding to me.
I can see the appeal.
I really think private schools are misunderstood.
I know years ago things were very different but from what I saw in my years working there there has been many many changes all for the better.
I only left due to my husbands work taking us elsewhere and I feel sad to read the perceptions some have on here.

I think that kids emotional needs aren't met at a crucial developmental time.

@FriendlyRobin

Thank you. Just to clarify - not that I’m tuning up my tiny violin - but I am totally on my own as a single adoptive parent.

I would never want to miss out on so much of my children's lives and parenting.
I cannot imagine being 20 minutes away from my children and not going to pick them up. I didn't have children so I could pass them over to someone else to bring up.

I left my dream job because it wasn't compatible with bringing up children. My friend and her husband moved a couple of miles to a new house so that their daughter could be closer to town and her friends.
Shipping them off to boarding school because it's more convenient is just completely alien to me.

Also selfishly laundry. I don't have to wash sweaty kit.

Wait, what? You're happy your children go to boarding school so you can avoid doing laundry? 🙄 You could always use a fraction of the money you spend on the school and outsource the laundry, you know.