Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

I think this thread, in which the vast majority of posters have said she shouldn’t tell her husband, disproves that somewhat.

She's not "against" him knowing and will tell him in her own time. I agree he's not quite as understanding as me and tends to express his feelings on what she SHOULD have done rather than what she DID do in each situation she has brought to us in the hopes that she uses it as a teaching lesson. Which is also why she confides in me more as I just listen - he tries to make her see the error of her ways 🤦‍♀️

This one has more posters saying do not tell, yes.

I've seen enough of these threads though where the majority of MN says, when asked about a friend sharing a secret, 'what you tell them you tell their husband too'.

I think she's 20 so it's up to her who she tells. I know that puts you in a difficult position but maybe after it's over and she's feeling stronger she will be ready to tell him

IDK because I don't know your daughter but is there a possibility that him treating her like a child when she gets things wrong adds to her continuing to behave more immaturely?

Maybe a change of approach from a teaching lesson and making her see the error of her ways might be better all round.

My parents were a bit 'we know best' and I don't think it ever helped me to assess things in a more grown up way, if anything it worked against it.

100% this.

But in that case it means you risk that happening. It's not an endorsement of breaking your friends' trust.

Feelings don't have to have validity, you both feel how you feel on this, the important part is to think about how you're feeling and why and to acknowledge she's an adult now and then work out what is valid to express and what should be worked on or kept to yourself. In this situation I'd be most concerned about DD, abortions can be hard to cope with mentally for some people, there's no right or wrong reaction, but if she falls into that group my priority and focus would be on supporting her.

Would I be hurt if she didn't tell me, maybe, would I be angry if this was a pattern of behaviour maybe. I dont think anyone can really say how they'd react If they haven't been there. Is the reaction you think he'd have understandable in light of past behaviour, maybe, but he's an adult and it would be his responsibility to get support or otherwise deal with his feelings over this, not take them out on her. Even if he'd been an amazingly supportable parent who'd never put a foot wrong it wouldn't actually change his right to know or your right to tell her because she's 20 and neither of you have a right to know or share her personal medical information. He has no right to EVER know this information unless she tells him or asks you to tell him. I'm hoping the yet in the title is you thinking she'll eventually tell him, not you thinking it's ok to tell him later, because it will never be ok for you to tell him or anyone else your adult daughters private medical information.

Also, NRTFT but a 20 yo really does not have to tell her dad about an abortion

If sharing an adult's sensitive medical information with someone, was highly likely to be the only practical way of keeping them out of severe physical danger, you might be justified, if not, you don't share it without permission. To not tell your husband is right, to do so would be evil. END OF If she was a child, yes her other legal parent or guardians might need to know, she is not.

Why would you tell him?! Not up to you to disclose her medical appointments or her personal life. By all means tell your DH that you are going with DD to a medical appointment, but just tell him "it's a personal thing" and leave it at that. No need to give any details whatsoever. Her choice who gets to know, not yours.

You can't betray your daughters trust. If your husband is a good man he will understand that and if he was the one in this situation he wouldn't betray her trust either. It's a difficult time for her and she needs your support. She needs to know she can trust you completely. Maybe she will tell her dad further down the line and maybe she won't but that's up to her.
I tell my husband everything, he's the closest person to me in the world but my children are my priority and if it were important to them that he did not get told about something personal about them then I would honour that even if i didn't agree with it. I'd be sad that he might eventually find out and be hurt. But I know he would understand that the kids come first and if they needed that type of support you'd give it. I'd expect him to do the same.

It's something that he needs to work on if he does want his daughter to confide in him in the future.

OP, there's also a chance that she will have the abortion and then decide that she doesn't want him to know at all.

Not your information to share I"m afraid.

If you need to offload, you need to book a counsellor. Her body, her choice. I don't agree that you can tell anyone.

Not quite the point of the thread, but maybe suggest to your daughter she gets a Mirena coil fitted at the time of her termination. I got one when I had mine and it was life changing

I can see both sides.

If she is planning on telling him eventually then i would just support her through it the best you can. If your husband is as good as you say then he will understand why she only wanted to tell you initially.

If she was expecting a lecture from your DH, then you should maybe give her the talking to after the event, you can tell your DH so he doesn’t feel he has to.

Being a bit presumptive here, but guessing from the lack of partner supporting her through this that this was a casual encounter? And the previous failures to take contraception reliably? You sound that you have your head screwed on, and it’s good that you have an open environment to discuss this. But there are lots of other risk factors here such as STIs, but also just general safety, does she know this men enough to know she’ll be safe?

She's having the copper coil fitted as that's what I have and we're both really sensitive to hormonal contraception which is probably why she didn't have much luck using the pill or going for the injection 🤷‍♀️❤️

Wtf how?

It's a tricky situation, but the person that matters first and foremost is your daughter. Having an abortion can be terrifying and obviously comes with a huge amount of emotional turmoil. She's been honest with you and wants/needs your support. If she doesn't want her dad to know, I think you need to respect this. It's hard, particularly if you share everything with eachother, but on this occasion it has to be up to your daughter whether or not she's comfortable with her dad knowing. Let her decide in her own time. Sending hugs - to you both.

@Anxiousyoungmum87 Please don't tell him for her. I don't agree with abortion but it's up to her who she tells. She shouldn't have any pressure to tell him either.

She's an adult so it's only his business if she chooses to make it his business. It's not something that effects him.

I hope she does get the coil if she doesn't want a baby yet. I have a rare dangerous reaction to hormonal contraception, and had the hormone-free coil for 8 years, and it was ok.

I had a difficult adolescence and my mom kept secrets for me and I’m so grateful, particularly now I have a daughter. Becoming a parent myself has made me realise how heavy that burden was for her ❤️

Oh op, I'd want to tell my husband but it's best not to break your daughters confidence. He need never know.

Cows aren't monogamous and don't form bonds or connections with bulls other than the same herding behaviour they exhibit with other cows. The only and only thing they are devoted to, and fiercely so, is her own calves. Even if a person is just standing in between Daisy and one of her babies, she'll trigger a payment from their life insurance policy without hesitation. you'd be hard pushed to find a better example of a creature that's as uninterested in men and totally dedicated to their children as your average Belted Galloway or Red Poll is...

Also people in a relationship being devoted to each other is perfectly normal, it's kind of the point of the thing. It's not reasonable to chastise people for having a functional relationship, same as it's not reasonable to chastise someone for not turning absolutely everything in to a gender issue, or for not prioritising confronting gender issues over and above everything else in their lives.

Wow can't believe you'd even consider telling him??
This is your dd body and rights... Absolutely nothing to do with him at all ...why on earth would you or even she talk about her sex life and consequences with him???

If ahe feels like sharing her medical/sexual information with him... Completely to do with her..
If she can't trust you to keep her confidence then you should tell her......

The thing is, he's allowed to have opinions about abortions, in general. But his opinion on abortions in general is almost irrelevant - because he's not entitled to her private information.

It's also worth noting that he's not the baby's father and in no way directly involved with the pregnancy. And that even the father of this pregnancy isn't legally entitled to know if she terminates. Every person has the expectation of privacy around their medical information.

I think we're getting into irrelevant things, here. The topic at hand was whether OP should tell her husband. And the consensus is that it's not her secret to tell.

As a grown adult, his daugher is allowed to have privacy over her private medical information and to expect that if she asks someone close to her to keep something in confidence, that they will do so unless it's an emergency that warrants revealing it. Nobody in her life is entitled to know about her abortion unless she tells them. Not even a parent.

OP is a good mum, she's supportive and entirely reasonable to discuss this here because it's weighing on her to keep a secret. I feel bad that the thread has gone on many tangents rather than answering her question.

And it sounds like the daughter may tell her dad at some point, and that he will probably eventually be supportive. But right now she needs privacy and to know that her mother has her back.