Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

But she hasn’t chosen to divulge her private medical information to her dad. Just her mum. So there’s no ‘should’ about it.

Can you explain this more please? If the parents were divorced would you feel the same way?

No, not 'hard to grasp' at all. This is a discussion forum open to a variety of opinions. Is that really so hard to grasp?

Of course the daughter is allowed to tell whoever she likes - from everyone to no one and anyone in between.

BUT in telling her mum and asking her not to tell her dad, she has created an awkward situation between her parents.

I couldn't not tell my husband. Simple as that!

Just that, since the mum does know, the dad should probably know too.

Why? Do you not believe adult children have autonomy or self-determination?

Then you’d create a very awkward situation with your daughter.
If my mum passed on my private medical information against my express wishes when I’d gone to her for support, I’d never trust her again. Our relationship would be very superficial after that.

BUT in telling her mum and asking her not to tell her dad, she has created an awkward situation between her parents.

How inconvenient of her. She should definitely think about her parents relationship rather than herself.

Dont tell him OP. Your daughter has the right to privacy and to choose who she confides in. She is an adult and no doubt will have other hard choices in front of her. If you tell him, the only likely outcome is that she will not confide in you again and that would be terrible for both of you.

If she eventually tells your DH and he is hurt, then he needs to look at himself and his own behaviour to question why his DD chose not to tell him. That’s for him to manage. Of course you can support him with that but if he doesn’t understand that your DD has the right to decide who knows her information then maybe he isn’t the man you think he is.

If you are finding this hard to deal with, do you have a work EAP? Or can you seek counselling? I hope all goes well in London.

If she confided in someone else, would they also be obligated to tell? Of course not!

Well, no, of course not. As I've said several times now, she's not obliged to tell anyone... BUT she has told one parent and asked them not to tell the other. It's that I don't agree with.

I'm interested to know: If the daughter had told the dad and he was the OP facing this dilemma, would you say he should tell mum? Or keep quiet from her because daughter had said so?

I’d say exactly the same if she had told her dad and not her mum. The daughter has the right to choose who to share her private medical information with, and who not to share it with.

For the umpteenth time, I know it's her body. She could've told no one - or everyone. That's her prerogative.

My issue is she's told her mum not to tell her dad. Which, whilst absolutely her prerogative, has now created an awkward situation between them, which OP is now looking for a solution to.

I wasn't aware that honesty and transparency were alien concepts!?

The daughter isn't obliged to tell ANYONE! She didn't need to tell her mother either. But she did... and now wants mum to keep it a secret from her husband, who it sounds like she's very happily married to.
Honesty and transparency are the cornerstones of any happy marriage.
Happily married couples don't keep secrets from one another. Full stop.

That's your opinion, which you're entitled to.

My opinion is that if I personally was in receipt of that information, I couldn't keep it secret from my husband.

Okay - so in your world loyalty to husband trumps loyalty to adult child?

it’s nothing to do with it being his daughter it’s to do with the wife not keeping secrets.

so if the parents were divorced that dad wouldn’t have to be told, but if the daughter was his step daughter in your rules the husband would be told.

interesting

happily married couples do keep secrets - just not those about cheating and their family finances. Just to be aware. You maybe don’t but others can respect the privacy of third parties.

Because of his actions. He has no one to blame but himself.

If he acted more like OP, this wouldn't be an issue.

I was once a 20 year old girl who had an abortion so I felt I had to comment.

My father is a strict person with rigid rules and he always pressured us into doing the 'right thing'.
I remember telling my mother I was unexpectedly pregnant. I'd just turned 20. She was quite shocked and not very happy but agreed to support me in having an abortion .
She then told me father and he was dreadful to me. Told me I'd shamed him and was a disgrace etc.

I wish I'd had a stronger mother who hadn't told my father as I knew this was what he'd be like. It was 20 years ago and truth be told I've forgiven but never really forgotten...

I think you should respect your daughter's wish and not tell her dad. This is for her, not your DH.
I'm sure you are being but give her lots of love the next few weeks. She will need it.

Best wishes to you and your DD x

I don't tell my husband everything because I'm my own person outside of my marriage with a career, friends etc that have nothing to do with him.

I'm also entitled to my own privacy.

It's none of his business. She's an adult. Respect that she's told you and asked for your support. Medical situations are confidential.

And my opinion is that as a daughter, that would irreparably damage my relationship with my mother and I’d never trust her again. That’s a choice you’d be making, in betraying your daughter’s confidence.

No, of course I wouldn't... because the mum is not obliged to share anything with a man she's separated from.

My issue is purely with the mum keeping a fairly significant secret from the man she shares every aspect of her life with.

Happily married couples shouldn't have secrets. Not if they want to remain happily married anyway.

Yes of course they do. But in exercising that right, in this instance, the daughter is knowingly causing a rift between her happily married parents by asking one of them to keep a fairly significant secret.

As an adult, she is absolutely allowed to make whatever life choices she likes. However, those life choices shouldn't impact others. Least of all, her parents marriage!

My daughter would be raised to know that, as a family, we don't keep secrets.
Trust is a two-way street.

From what I can gather from the OP, the daughter only ever thinks about herself. Maybe it's time for that to change...?

Again, confidential medical information is not ‘a secret’, it’s confidential medical information. But if I’d been raised to know that my mother wouldn’t keep my confidence then this situation wouldn’t have arisen anyway, because I wouldn’t have told her in the first place. So I guess that solves the issue. I’d have confided in someone else instead.

It's both. If they are still married/living together and he IS her biological father, then I think he should be told.

Divorced/remarried/separated/step-parents scenarios would create a completely different dynamic. HTH.

Also, I've been married 30 years, so perfectly 'aware' thanks.

Oh totally, I'm the same. Both fiercely independent with our own careers, hobbies, regular trips away with the lads/girls. Been this way for the entire 30 years we've been together/married.

What we've never done in that time, though, is keep a secret like this. It's just not how we do things.