Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

What's wrong with a condom? Does no-one care about STI's any more? Was your husband good at contraception at 16? People in glass houses..

I took DD for surgical TOP at 17, almost 10 years ago. MAP x2 failure. I paid cash in London clinic. DH had no clue and still doesn't know. It was her business not his.
He is also a wonderful caring man but either way, it's not his business.
I'd do it again tomorrow if needed.

Personally, I don't keep secrets from my husband & my children will know this. However, in your shoes I'd be saying to DD that I wouldn't reveal any info but wouldn't be participating/ discussing further without being able to tell DH. Just how my marriage works though x

This! For me personally, I'd see this as, first and foremost, teaching the daughter that it's OK to lie/keep secrets.

OP says they've had issues in the past with contraception. Could it be that OP's sympathetic approach has somewhat 'enabled' her daughter's risky behaviour?

Maybe the dad's more hard-line approach would dissuade the daughter from getting into these situations in the first place?

My dad was the most amazing man buy, boy, was he strict. Growing up, he'd say to me: 'If you come home here at 16 pregnant, your bags will be on the doorstep'.
Of course, I know now, he would never have followed through with that. But, at the time, the thought that he might was all I needed to behave myself.

Agree with this too! 👏👏

I agree.

Your husband won't be hurt if he doesn't know, op. What is the point of telling him?

I understand that you probably have a burning desire to offload but if you cannot keep this under control, find someone totally impartial, and confidential, in whom to confide. Also we are here, not the same as telling someone personally or over the telephone but posting here may help.

Good luck.

I don't think so at all. Confidentiality has its place in grown up relationships.

Secrets are things involving YOU that you keep from your partner. Like an affair, or spending £2000 on shoes. Not information purely regarding other people that is not yours to share. The abortion is not her business and not her secret. It's the daugher's.

My husband has absolutely no reason to be told that some of my close friends have had abortions or abusive relationships. Or, say, my mum's medical history. I don't expect him to tell me everything his mum confides to him. We trust each other to be honest where it counts. I work in healthcare and can't tell him about my patients, fundamentally i see this as no different. Likewise a lot of jobs require confidentiality or NDAs.

The daugher isn't in their relationship and doesn't consent to her information being shared. If OP blabs, what lessons is she teaching about keeping promises, privacy, or consent? Or confidentiality? I'd argue that revealing it would be setting a poorer example. Putting aside that she's not a child any more and doesn't need patronising.

If OP told him, it could ruin her relationship with her daughter, potentially forever if she feels that her confidence has been betrayed. It won't be teaching the daugher anything apart from that she can't rely on her mum to keep her word and listen to her. And if the dad reacts unkindly, it could permanently affect her relationship with him too. People cut off their parents for far less.

It's hard for OP, but keeping quiet is by far the best choice here. The daugher may reveal it herself in good time.

Obviously your DD does not think he is super supportive.
So be an adult and do one thing she asked you to do without a bloke handholding you.

It’s not ‘a secret’. It’s someone else’s medical information, which is confidential. If you worked in healthcare would you pass on your patients’ private medical info to your husband because you ‘don’t keep secrets’?

He is my biggest support during all the issues I have

This isn't your "issue" though it is your daughter's.

adults have the right to privacy. You don’t have to tell another adult your private medical information- or your financial information or any other information.

This is an adult who has confided in her mother a very difficult and delicate personal issue. Her mother has absolutely no right to break that confidence.

I am shocked that so many people on this thread would break a confidence in this way. Would you tell confidential work information to your husband because you think it’s lying?

do you even understand what a lie is?

and ofocurse it’s okay for adults to keep secrets! It’s not the babysitters club!

I guarantee after the abortion she will not need a "talking to". I don't know anyone who would ever choose to go through an abortion twice. It's likely after this she will never find herself in this situation again as it's really not a nice procedure to go through.

There has been a lot I haven't shared with my mum over the years as I'm well aware she would feel the need to tell my Dad. Which, frankly, is a shame.

You're making this a tiny bit too much about you OP. Support your daughter and her decisions, even if that means that she eventually decides never to tell her dad.

All the dads ‘hard line’ approach has done is made his daughter stop talking to him about her issues. That isn’t what you want at all.

She’s also 20, not 16. She isn’t lying or keeping a secret because her dad isn’t entitled to her medical information.

I don't see why the mum should know and not the dad. This isn't about 'his mum' or 'her friend'. It's about HIS daughter!

The mum should know because the adult daughter chose to confide her private medical information to her mum. If she hadn’t chosen to do so, her mum would have no right to know either.
Having a child does not mean you are entitled to their private medical information for the rest of their lives, just because they are your child. It doesn’t work like that.

His daughter is an adult with a right to privacy and the right to decide who she tells things to. Her father, or her mother, are not entitled to know anything she doesn't want them to. Is this really so hard to grasp?

His daughter who is an adult and is not compelled to share with him.
if she confided in someone else, would they also be obligated to tell? Of course not!

He needs to reflect on why rather than throwing his weight around. It isn’t all about him, and the fact that they know he would make it into being about him really shows his immaturity.

Because it is HER body. No one is entitled to know information about her body without her permission.

Do you believe that adult children have to tell their parents everything?

do you believe your parents are entitled to know all about your sex life and reproductive health?

What are your relationships like with your parents and do you have adult children?

I know in some religions females are the property of their fathers until they are married - is that the angle you are coming from. That this unmarried adult
female remains under the guardianship of her father and he is therefore entitled to her musical information?

genuinely trying to understand what to me is such an alien perspective

Will she be staying with you after? Just that I had this with my niece she ended up getting an infection and rushed to A&E a few days after. Dad didnt no but when she became so poorly during the night he had to be told and hit the room that no one had told him

Because, the daugher, a legal adult, chose to confide in one person. Abd close not to confide in him. D

What goes on in his adult daughter's uterus still isn't automatically his business.

Our loved ones don't owe us their private medical information. They tell us if they feel safe to confide in us.

What a selfish shit that man is! It’s not all about him - instead of being concerned about his daughter he was angry she hadn’t confided very personal information?

awful. People really do show who they truly are

I was just coming on to say something very similar. I would be very hurt if it was the other way round and it was kept from me. Not the same scenario but i had a situation where i was supporting dd with something that she didn’t want dh to know about. I knew he would find out eventually so i asked her to let me tell him and also ensure his reaction was calm by the time he spoke to her.

I'm not saying anyone is 'entitled' to know. Just that, since the mum does know, the dad should probably know too.