Doing the right thing to not tell husband yet?

[Anxiousyoungmum87]

So to cut a long story short I'm taking 20 year old DD for an abortion next week and have yet to tell DH 🫤 We have had issues with her & failed contraception in the past but as she is now an adult and doesn't live at home all we can do is be open and supportive with her on her decisions - at least this is my view! My husband is old school and still treats her as a child! Obviously this is a stressful time for her and she doesn't feel ready to tell him (probably due to him not being as understanding as I am) but I feel awful that I'm keeping this a secret from him! He is a wonderful, caring man and it will probably hurt him that he wasn't involved in helping her through this but right now all she needs is support and not a dressing down/lecture on what she should have been doing to prevent this. But now I'm afraid that this will cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that 😪

My daughter would be raised not to expect me to lie to her dad.

Guess it does 🤷‍♀️

This would be a real dilemma for me. Keeping secrets can destroy a relationship, and in this scenario the DD is keeping a secret from her DF and is also expecting her DM to keep a secret from him. She’s actually put her DM in a very difficult situation. Her DM naturally doesn’t want to expose her secret but is also sad that she has to keep such a big secret from her DH.
If the situation was reversed and the DD had only told her DF, I think people’s reactions on here may well be different.

They wouldn’t be different- loads of people would say “Is your reaction to unwanted news to lose your temper and make it all about you? If yes, then you put yourself in this situation.”

If You have a husband who has to be ‘managed’ then at least try to recognize that you are emotionally mollycoddling him, because that’s the level of maturity he’s operating on. And vice versa!

She isn’t Keeping a Secret’ she’s keeping her private medical information private.

You couldn’t not tell your husband something that your daughter has confided in you about? Wow that’s wonderful parenting. It’s not about you. Why are some mothers like this??

So adult son confides in his dad that he has caught an STD from a one night stand. He is ashamed and knows his mum will think less of him but wants some advice from his dad. Dad automatically tells mum and father son relationship destroyed - trust gone.

Wife is a social worker - learns confidential information about neighbours. Breaches confidentiality because she and her husband don’t keep secrets. Husband lets slip to other neighbour and wife gets fired.

wife’s sister confides she is having some
mental health struggles. Wife tells husband because secrets are bad for their relationship. Sister can tell he knows, stops speaking to sister and loses that support.

not all confidential information needs to be shared. Can adults not trust each other that they can have information that doesn’t need to be shared.

This would be a real dilemma for me. Keeping secrets can destroy a relationship, and in this scenario the DD is keeping a secret from her DF and is also expecting her DM to keep a secret from him. She’s actually put her DM in a very difficult situation. Her DM naturally doesn’t want to expose her secret but is also sad that she has to keep such a big secret from her DH
Why are classing private medical information as a secret. An adult has the right to decide who they chose to tell about a medical incident. It doesn't become a topic of conversation with other people even if they are your husband.

If the situation was reversed and the DD had only told her DF, I think people’s reactions on here may well be different.
I really disagree to be honest.

If the daughter had only told her father & asked him not to tell her mum, I wonder if he'd be in such a dilemma about "keeping secrets"?

If the situation was reversed and the DD had only told her DF, I think people’s reactions on here may well be different

Absolutely not. It’s still her confidential medical information, that she has chosen to share with one parent. Entirely irrelevant which parent that is, neither should be sharing that information without her consent.
I wish people would stop calling her choice to have an abortion ‘a secret’, like it’s something shady. It’s a medical procedure, and medical information is confidential.

Not for me.

It isn’t a secret because no one is entitled to an adults medical information.

That is the case no matter what.

I absolutely think the reaction would be different had the daughter told the dad, not the mum.

Also, why is everyone zoning in on this 'medical information' nonsense!? This is a far bigger issue than just 'medical information' and anyone who doesn't think so is just being obtuse.

As I said previously, I'd be confident that we'd created an environment where our daughter felt she could confide in both parents.

Totally agree. This thread is providing a unique insight into why marriages break down and families fall apart. Why can't people just be open and honest?

It’s providing a unique insight for me into why so many adults end up on the ‘but we took you to Stately Homes’ threads.

You're getting hung up on the detail. This isn't about the procedure per se... it's about the daughter telling her mother something and asking her not to tell her dad. THAT'S the very definition of a secret!!

Is there any chance that he would find out later on ?

You do know there's a big world outside of Mumsnet, right?

Find someone else to confide in, book a therapist, call the Samaritans or BPAS...DD feels it's not for your husband to hear so he can't be the one 'helping you through' this one.

I had a termination and told an aunt on my dad's side and she told my dad. It caused a huge rift, I didn't speak to them for years and it's still never been the same.

I do indeed, I live in it.

But the fact that it’s a medical procedure is relevant. It’s not a piece of gossip she’s passing on to her mum, it’s a piece of confidential information about her own body that she’s choosing to confide, and asking for that confidential information not to be passed on.
Anyway, it’s very clear we aren’t going to agree on this as we have wildly different views of successful parent/child relationships. I have 2 daughters and I hope they’ll always know if they want to confide in me, I absolutely wont break their trust and pass that information on. I haven’t really got anything else to say about it, so I’ll leave it there.

The detail is important because it is her private medical information.

Something actually involving the dad would be different. It isn’t a secret because he isn’t entitled to her medical information.

"Happily married couples don't keep secrets from one another. Full stop."

So in your view, "happily married couples" have the expectation that anything told to them in confidence by an adult child, by another relative, by a work colleague, by a friend, a mutual friend, or a neighbour is up for sharing with their spouse?

Really? So no-one can trust either half of a "happily married couple" with a confidence?

Well put.

Other people's information is not ours to share no matter how happy our marriages may be.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people don't appear to understand that information we are given is not automatically ours to share with anyone. And that includes spouses.

What on earth are you talking about?
You do know the difference between a couple's 'adult child' and ALL of those other individuals, don't you?

As if keeping the secret of adult child is remotely comparable to that of a 'work colleague'... 🤦‍♀️

Could have fooled me...