unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

[mumandmumber]

NC as could be outing.

Non pregnant friend who has had recent loss, fertility issues etc. checks in with newly pregnant friend to check all is well with pregnancy. Pregnant friend replies with the ultrasound photo.

AIBU to think the unsolicited visual is unnecessary and quite insensitive under the circumstances? (Note pregnant friend knows all the details of non pregnant friend’s history)

and

Anyone else find ultrasound photos particularly triggering?

Indeed.

I once had a flatmate who left the images from his colonoscopy lying around the lounge. Which was grosser and more inappropriate than an antenatal ultrasound image but the pregnancy ones are on the same spectrum as the colonoscopy ones, just a bit further down it and just as weird to share.

I agree with this. It’s one thing to share it with a family member or a best friend or the baby’s father.

But what possesses people to post a picture like this on social media?

Ultrasound pictures literally all look identical. It’s completely inconsequential to anyone unless they are going to have a direct relationship with the unborn child. Also deeply personal and intimate. I think it’s weird and needy.

I never want to see these or hear all the details after my own horrible experiences.

Had to put up with it so often at work mostly because people think "oh woman of a certain age, she'll love to hear/see all about it". No I don't.

Agreed, someone at work announced their pregnancy to 500 people with an ultrasound photo. It was actually a photo of her having the ultrasound 😵‍💫 baffled.

Or it's people just excited and sharing their joy. Heaven forbid! You sound like a right treat.

I've had a loss but honestly, I'd never let that detract from someone else's joy - why should I?! Expecting everyone else to bend to tiptoe around me is also self-obsessed. The world keeps spinning. I've been happy to join in the excitement and happiness that my friends and family are feeling, some of them having suffered losses or fertility issues themselves previously. Even more reason for them to want to share in my opinion, and good luck to them.

@SmudgeButt

Had to put up with it so often at work mostly because people think "oh woman of a certain age, she'll love to hear/see all about it". No I don't.

Urgh yes. I also hate the assumption that all women are intrinsically interested in pregnancies anyway because we are women. It’s so sexist and reductive.

@CandiedPrincess

Or it's people just excited and sharing their joy. Heaven forbid! You sound like a right treat.

Sharing the joy is fine but why is it necessary to spam people with photographs of the inside of your uterus?

Its at best irrelevant to most people and potentially insensitive.

Read the room.

@Thepeopleversuswork It's just a uterus. How on earth is that any worse than just announcing a pregnancy. Surely, the upsetting part is the actual pregnancy. Sharing ONE photo is hardly spamming either.

Let people live how they want to live.

@CandiedPrincess its just tedious and self obsessed. And totally unnecessary. Just tell people you’re pregnant.

I have had a stillbirth at 34 weeks so I know very well how losing a baby feels.
Still think your friend was perfectly reasonable to share the scan. She probably figured that since you asked you must be interested/invested in her and babys health, feeling up to being a confidant and so just the person to share with.
Not everyone is triggered the same things. I was triggered by old people after my baby died as they had lived so long and my son never got a single day on this earth. Other peoples healthy pregnancies and babies made me feel hopeful and happy that they had escaped my pain.
I'd keep my distance and not ask about friends babies if I wasn't feeling up to it, knowing they'd understand.

Exactly this. Especially this pregnant person. Also this pregnant person is also sharing constant updates directly to me on their plans/day scheduling so had mentioned the appointment was that day. It would have been very odd to not say ‘hope it was ok?’ Also, having experienced a scan that wasn’t positive, I don’t ever assume it went smoothly and I wanted this person to know I am here if they need me / fortunately that wasn’t case and I am happy for this person! But didn’t need the visual.

Woman. Pregnant woman.

Don’t assume all pregnant people identify as a woman 🤗

I don't. I do assume that regardless of how they identify they are all women.

I think expecting a friend to have understood the inner workings of your mind to the extent they were able to avoid this mishap by concluding that you're only asking how the appointment went to be seen to be asking given the nature of it and it would have aroused suspicion had you not at the very least sent a cursory message therefore the most suitable response would have been "It went well, thank you for asking", rather than replying with unsolicited scans, is beyond the realms of reason.

Yes it is a bit. Might be best to just not ask if it’s a sore subject 🤷‍♀️

Difficult to see exactly what else you can identify as if you’re giving birth.

One would think

The point is, saying pregnant person is absolutely fine. It’s actually more inclusive if anything. You’re splitting hairs over something OP is obviously upset about,

I absolutely think it’s triggering OP even in the early stages of TTC - it will be a sucker punch if it’s been some time or if going through fertility treatment.

I don’t think it requires much emotional intelligence to work out that other people won’t care about your scan as much as you do - and it requires even less to know that someone desperately wanting a scan might find it upsetting.

Sorry this happened.

@PregtestQ

I don’t think it requires much emotional intelligence to work out that other people won’t care about your scan as much as you do - and it requires even less to know that someone desperately wanting a scan might find it upsetting.

This with big brass bells on.

It’s hard being the non pregnant friend. I’ve been there. But your expectations are out of line with what is fair to pregnant friend- you asked and she told you/ showed you. Pregnant friend is excited and it’s not her fault she upset you. Tbh you’re probably upset anyway, understandably, so you’re looking for a way to somehow blame her, when really all she’s done is be pregnant when you’re not. I remember feeling really annoyed at pregnant friends when I wanted to be. It’s understandable you’re upset/ feel annoyed, but the fact is it’s not her fault.

Never had a problem with fertility so not a trigger for me obviously. I just wonder who these women are who share these ultrasound pic's ? Close family ok but honestly who else is interested? And especially with someone you know has recently misscarried/has fertility problems. Extremely insensitive. Not a good friend.

OP you are not being unreasonable

I wont go into detail as it would be outing but I had a lost a baby a few years ago and I still find scan photos triggering. I have had a healthy child since then but when people send me a scan photo or post on social media or on whatsapp groups it makes me retreat for at least a few days. I can't help it. I just don't think it's necessary but people don't understand if they haven't had a loss.

It's not something I would do. I would reply to say how it went but not send a picture. But I'm guessing that this friend would never intend to make you feel bad and just got over excited. In your position, although painful, I wouldn't be mad at her. It's one of those no one is wrong and everyone has the right to feel the way they do situations.

Don’t ask if you don’t want to know! How strange!!