unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

[mumandmumber]

NC as could be outing.

Non pregnant friend who has had recent loss, fertility issues etc. checks in with newly pregnant friend to check all is well with pregnancy. Pregnant friend replies with the ultrasound photo.

AIBU to think the unsolicited visual is unnecessary and quite insensitive under the circumstances? (Note pregnant friend knows all the details of non pregnant friend’s history)

and

Anyone else find ultrasound photos particularly triggering?

According to OP she didn't just ask a general "how are you feeling?" she specifically asked how the pregnancy was going. It wasn't exactly off topic for the friend to share this. Nor could she have reasonably guessed OP asked for an update but didn't actually want one, or wanted one but only one with very specific content. It is really really not that weird if someone asks How is X? to respond with a picture of X. OP's friend had absolutely no way of knowing what OP's specific triggers were and shouldn't be expected to guess - if OP has limits on the kind of update she's ready to hear, she needs to specify when she asks, not just let her friend walk into a minefield then blame her for stepping on a mine.

very selfish. She knew exactly what she was doing by sending that pic. Bin her.

How stupid

Quite. Scans used to make me feel very sick and at one point in my life actually caused flashbacks.

Scan pictures are of no interest to anyone else; to share them is at best a little TMI and self-centred, at worst it’s really insensitive.

“OP's friend had absolutely no way of knowing what OP's specific triggers were and shouldn't be expected to guess”

I think after we’ve shared a lot of intimate details of our fertility journeys/loss with one another, and knowing that other pregnant friends have triggered her in the past, I was just surprised by how quick to share the photo she was.
To me it’s quite obvious and I wouldn’t do that in this scenario, and I thought given she is no stranger to how hard it can be, it felt a bit thoughtless.
After many years of infertility she is not my first friend to show me ultrasound photos without me asking, and whilst it always stings a bit, I’m always happy for my friends and let it go knowing this is my issue, not theirs. But in this case, given how we have particularly bonded over our fertility struggles, I was just genuinely surprised she did that, and that made it sting a bit more.

Just to clarify, I am not super upset or angry with her and would never bother bringing it up. Mainly just surprised, and was intrigued as to other’s opinions on the matter of sharing ultrasounds in these circumstances.

Ah OP, if you specifically asked about the scan (not even just the pregnancy) then it really wasn't unsolicited. She probably spent the day replying to similar texts from loads of people if she'd shared the scan date, and half of them probably specifically asked about pics and all will have expected to see one. She was probably practically on autopilot. I can't think of a single friend who didn't share a scan pic when asked how an appointment went, it's the most normal thing and nothing like using a scan as a pregnancy announcement.

A lesson for next time, if there is one, head it off at the pass and when you ask about the scan tell the friend that you're not up to seeing scan photos first.

The OP says she checks in with her friend after ALL appointments. So I can see why the friend would think sharing the scan picture is a natural thing to do - when asked for an update.

OP seems supportive but may need to step back a bit if it’s becoming too much.

Scan pictures are of no interest to anyone else; to share them is at best a little TMI and self-centred, at worst it’s really insensitive**

In your opinion. You can't say they are of no interest to anyone else because you don't speak for everyone else. I've always been happy to look at my friends and families scan pictures and indulge them a little.

It is likely that we will all be triggered by things in life and (in my opinion) it is not for other people to manage that for us.

I cannot have kids and struggle particularly with breastfeeding as I have never been able to do that for my non biological children, there are certain songs which take me back 30 years to a DV relationship, and if I get flowers it also takes me back to those grand gestures after a beating. However, none of this is someone else’s responsibility to manage for me.

It might hurt like hell and feel like a sucker punch but it’s ok that it does. We can survive this stuff and we do, every day.

I’m sorry for everyone on this thread who has struggled with infertility and those awful moments of loss, I hope you are able to find some healing.

I've been on both sides of this- I've had a miscarriage and also been pregnant at the same time as a v good friend when she then miscarried. I didn't mention my pregnancy to her at all after her mc -she never asked and it became a forbidden topic- we just never talked about it until my baby was born. She then later got pregnant again with a successful pregnancy and talked about it constantly, shared scans etc. So I then slightly resented that I'd kept silent about my pregnancy in our friendship group for her sake. Not reasonable of me AT ALL I know, but I did feel I'd been robbed of a bit of attention and support from the group that she then got for herself later, when it was her turn. All this is a long winded way of saying that I think you're very noble and selfless OP to ask about her pregnancy (and to sit on this feeling of being triggered by her scan pic, as you've said you won't tell her this) and I hope you get all this support back when it's your turn.

No it’s a fair point. Why would you be asking after a pregnancy if the idea of pregnancy upsets you?

Do you really want to hear blow by blow accounts of her pregnancy? If she is a good friend I think she would understand if you let her know that you are happy for her AND that it’s hard for you to hear and think about other people’s pregnancies at the moment. I’m not sure why you are asking for updates on scans and appointments… can you continue to be a good friend and also give yourself some space away from this? I don’t think it’s healthy for you to be “sucking it up”; I think you need to look after yourself a bit more here

Because it's your friend? And sometimes we overcome our own pain for the sake of others? Doesn't mean we want to see a scan photo though

How?? If someone asks for an update on someone else’s baby, sending a picture back shouldn’t be an issue. If you’re too sensitive to see this picture… don’t ask for updates! It’s not the persons fault who sends the picture!!

@PolitePearlMoose Have a day off Moose

@PolitePearlMoose is correct. It's pregnant woman. So sick of all this ridiculousness.

I understand what you're saying but to her she probably thinks you did ask. She would have thought ah ok she's OK with pregnancy updates I'll update as I have everyone else.

You really don't have to keep having conversations about this if you don't want to. It would be totally fine for you to step back for your own wellbeing. You wouldn't be a bad friend for doing that. It's ok to put yourself first.

Perhaps on a psychological level you're involving yourself in your friend's pregnancy, to a degree that you're finding painful, as it's giving you another outlet for your grief?

You’re also missing the point, detracting from OP’s original concern. Thinking FAR too much into someone saying ‘pregnant person’ when infact it’s an OK term in the grand scheme of things. Pregnant person/pregnant woman - who bloody cares, it’s pernickety and pathetic to call it out. If you want to debate gender identity start another thread.

I'm not debating it, I was agreeing with @PolitePearlMoose which I am completely allowed to do. Thanks all the same.

@FreedomDogs

According to OP she didn't just ask a general "how are you feeling?" she specifically asked how the pregnancy was going. It wasn't exactly off topic for the friend to share this.

In part this boils down to how you feel about ultrasound pictures. I am not a fan: I think sharing them is a bit naff and needy even in a best case scenario.

But sharing them with someone who you know has fertility issues is crashingly insensitive. It’s perfectly possible to say: “the pregnancy is going fine thank you for asking”, without flashing up photographs that say: “look at my unborn child. You don’t have one! I win!”.

I honestly think it’s bizarre that people lack the emotional intelligence to see that could be triggering.

Its a bit like sending a wedding picture to someone when you know they have just agreed to separate from their partner.

Yes if people ask they should be prepared for the honest answer but it doesn’t have to be in full technicolour. It’s possible for a moment to put your “need” for people to gawp at yet another identical ultrasound picture to one side and put the needs of the person who is upset first.

It won’t kill people not to share their ultrasound. Just go without!

@Thepeopleversuswork well said 👏🏼 I think many people lack emotional intelligence and put their own needs before anyone else’s.

This is probably as far removed from being 'outing' as you can get.
#onlyonmumsnet

Interestingly, I’d rather get an ultrasound than a narrative. You can never see what they are and it’s easier to make generic noises and never look at it.