unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

[mumandmumber]

NC as could be outing.

Non pregnant friend who has had recent loss, fertility issues etc. checks in with newly pregnant friend to check all is well with pregnancy. Pregnant friend replies with the ultrasound photo.

AIBU to think the unsolicited visual is unnecessary and quite insensitive under the circumstances? (Note pregnant friend knows all the details of non pregnant friend’s history)

and

Anyone else find ultrasound photos particularly triggering?

But the person had actually enquired? So it wasn’t unsolicited at all.

Really? I don't think most people would do that. I think they'd understand and that's why they'd waited until they were ready to reach out.

Agree with you. This can be so painful to see. People should check before sending US pics

How’s the pregnancy ‘great thanks, how are you coping? Hope you’re ok ❤️’.

After years of infertility a scan photo is so triggering to me. I do want to know that my friends are doing well, I don’t need to see an ultrasound picture.

People saying babies are everywhere etc, that is true but there is something about a pregnancy that you can’t achieve that is really difficult and an ultrasound picture is so hard to see on social media or in a WhatsApp group or whatever, but also in a private message.

When you go on to have a successful pregnancy OP I would think who you want around you during that journey. Because if it’s this friend she’ll likely feel quite resentful she wasn’t allowed to celebrate her pregnancy and baby but you want her to join you in celebrating yours.

Put on a brave face. This will pass for you both.

I suspect it takes a lot of courage for the non pregnant friend to keep in contact with the pregnant friend. The pregnant friend could have easily responded with a tactful reply rather than sending a scan photo. Very insensitive IMO.

It sadly does happen. 😔 especially if someone hasn’t experienced loss or any pregnancy issues.

No words at this point

But you asked? She’s excited so she sent a photo.
I’d find it all upsetting and triggering to be honest, I’d probably have to step away with an explanation as to why.

I still can’t tell what or where DD is on her ultrasound.. so that wouldn’t trigger me as such, the whole pregnancy probably would. Not because of jealousy, but just the personal loss.

I’m sorry for anyone who has suffered losses or cannot conceive.

It wasn't unsolicited.

Exactly, it is really not that hard to understand.

My friend and I were pregnant and due on the same day. I lost my baby late in the second trimester and her baby was born perfectly fine.

I still wanted to hear about her baby and see her scan pictures etc because despite how traumatic and painful losing my baby was for me I was so happy that my friend did not need to suffer the same pain. I was so happy that her baby was okay because I didn’t want what happened to me to happen to other people.

Its so terrible to lose a baby but reframing other people’s pregnancies in a more positive way was very useful for me.

Yes, I think anyone who has had a miscarriage may find them triggering.

Did the non pregnant friend ask to see it? If she didn’t it was unsolicited.

I think expecting a friend to have understood the inner workings of your mind to the extent they were able to avoid this mishap by concluding that you're only asking how the appointment went to be seen to be asking given the nature of it and it would have aroused suspicion had you not at the very least sent a cursory message therefore the most suitable response would have been "It went well, thank you for asking", rather than replying with unsolicited scans, is beyond the realms of reason.

Having said all that, infertility and indeed the pregnancy journey as a whole is not subject to the confines of logic and reason. So it's okay that you're not okay about it. But in time, I hope you're able to see the situation from the lens of someone who isn't privvy to your inner-most thoughts and feelings.

@TheAlchemy Sorry for your loss and it’s amazing you were able to reframe your loss and be so positive - this is incredibly hard for some and sadly not the reality of OP 🙁

The pregnant friend was thoughtless. It's insensitive to share scan photos to someone who's suffered loss.

However.

At the same time, you can't just lock yourself away. You're going to see babies, pregnant people, ultrasounds, announcements etc. On social media if nowhere else! I know it's tough, but the world can't and won't stop for you.

Sorry I think you are being U. I think if you ask about a pregnancy there’s pretty good chance you’ll get some kind of detailed response which may involve a photo. If I were the friend you asked I think I’d assume, if you asked, that you were fine with all details, including photos, unless you told me that you’d prefer not to get photos.

I do think it is being insensitive. I wouldn’t fall out with a friend who did this though , they may be just a bit clueless and didn’t realise it could be triggering

If you asked it wasn't unsolicited.

It's not unreasonable to be triggered though, neither of you can control that.

Actually op I think it was very thoughtful of you to ask your friend how her pregnancy is going. As someone who has experienced loss I know how hard it is . Some people just don’t have a clue.

@FreedomDogs

It wasn't unsolicited.

I I don’t know how you read it but in my world there’s a huge gulf between: “How are you feeling?” and “Send me a photograph of your uterus.”

Yes I know it does happen. But you seem to have assumed it would.
"🥴 the pregnant person would only moan that the non pregnant person ‘hasn’t checked in and it’s so selfish they can’t be happy for them’"

When in reality they'd probably think ok, they've got something going on right now I'll not take it personally

I can see this from both sides tbh. A few years ago I found out I'd had a mmc at my first scan so scan pics were very very triggering to me. A few months later a friend of mine got pregnant and I messaged her after a few drinks asking how her scan went. She replied just with the pic and it was like being punched in the stomach. Funnily enough I was actually pregnant with my DD but hadn't found out yet and I sat and cried. But I can see now that she hadn't done anything wrong - I asked and she showed me the pic.

You're not wrong/unreasonable for feeling this way but I don't think your friend did anything wrong since you did ask.