unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

[mumandmumber]

NC as could be outing.

Non pregnant friend who has had recent loss, fertility issues etc. checks in with newly pregnant friend to check all is well with pregnancy. Pregnant friend replies with the ultrasound photo.

AIBU to think the unsolicited visual is unnecessary and quite insensitive under the circumstances? (Note pregnant friend knows all the details of non pregnant friend’s history)

and

Anyone else find ultrasound photos particularly triggering?

I don't think anyone is unreasonable in this scenario op. Your feelings are completely understandable and valid. Her excitement and desire to include you as someone she cares about is also understandable and valid. I think it's difficult as you've specifically asked her how things regarding her pregnancy are going and I'm guessing this was because you knew she'd had a recent scan. I think if you're asking about that then it's not unreasonable for her to think you want to be treated like anyone else and therefore she's sent you the same image she's likely sent others. I think given that your friend has also had struggles and obviously you're working hard to maintain the friendship, that it would be OK to mention to her some boundaries. Maybe you could say to her that you're really happy and you want to hear how she's getting on but you find the visual images difficult.

It's very hard op and I commend you for how you're navigating this, I'm sure it's painful. I've lost very good friends due to infertility when I became pregnant (fully understand why they needed to take a step back) and it's sad when you end up losing people over it all.. so if you have a need or a boundary I imagine your friend would rather you share it with them so they can work around it than lose you completely.

We struggled with infertility. Now luckily have children.

I do remember finding other people’s baby news upsetting. But that was my problem to deal with, not to expect the whole world to keep quiet about their baby excitement.

If the OP had asked their friends not to share ultrasound pictures and they carried on doing it then they’d be unreasonable. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case - in fact they asked about the pregnancy.

If they've been asked about an appointment or how the pregnancy going then I would see that as permission for her to share her latest update/scan photo as she would anyone else. I understand they can be a trigger but they were asked and probably assumed the friend wanted the usual standard update.

I get it though and assuming you're the triggered friend I'm sorry this sucks and do allow yourself the hard "ugly" feelings if needed.

They’re not reply unsolicited in a situation where the non-pregnant friend has specifically asked how the pregnancy is going, especially if they talk frequently enough that she knew it was a scan appointment. If I ask somebody who is pregnant how their scan went I would expect that, had it gone well, they would probably share the picture. If you don’t want to see it either don’t ask for updates, or be clear before asking that you would find the photo triggering and would prefer it wasn’t shared.

Not unreasonable at all. I am surprised at the voting. Asking after a pregnancy is not the same as asking for an ultrasound picture.

I am fortunate to have 3 children. But I also had at 6 confirmed pregnancy losses between DC1 and DC3. 4 of these were missed miscarriages; 3 detected at 12 weeks and one at 16 weeks at an ultrasound appointment. The last of my losses was over 14 years ago. Even now looking at a scan photo brings a bit of knot to my stomach and a lump to my throat. Obviously I do look politely and say the right thing. But I’d prefer it if I was not shown them. For those for whom the losses are more recent than mine it must be really challenging. I sympathise hugely.

No to the triggering but do find it odd that mums to be think anyone has the slightest interest in their ultrasound picture.

YANBU to be upset. The friend is probably well meaning but was inconsiderate to share it.

I think lots of the people replying YABU won't realise how upsetting your scan will have been in your pregnancy. I've lost pregnancies and when I see an ultrasound I think about the scans I've had where I've seen my baby with no heartbeat. It's a traumatic experience and it's not OTT to describe this as triggering.

sounds perfectly normal and reasonable to me. the none pregnant friend opened the communication by asking, and i believe a normal response would be to send an ultra-sound?

No, a normal response from a friend who is not completely self-absorbed, to a friend who they know has had problems conceiving/carrying, would be to say. ‘All’s going well, thanks. Had the first scan the other day. How are you?’

The pregnant friend isn’t a mind reader and I think it’s unfair to then label them as insensitive when you contacted her to ask about her pregnancy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you @ADreamIsAWishYourArseMakes @LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood
Comforting to hear I’m not alone in the triggering aspect - you both put it into words and get exactly where I’m coming from - so sorry to hear of your difficulties x

Im with you OP.

Surely there’s an in between. I think you can be a good friend and ask how it went even though it’s painful for you and the other person can be more thoughtful and just answered “all great thanks for asking” without sending a photo.

I have a better financial situation that some friends who are struggling and I would never send them a photo of a the recent expensive watch I bought when they ask me how is it going.

I wouldn’t send a photo of me and my husband celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary to a recently divorced friend.

I wouldn’t tiptoe around them but I would be very thoughtful of how I reply.

I suffered from recurrent miscarriages and I always appreciated when my friends were thoughtful with me.

I think there are different levels of information you can share depending of who you are talking to. It is really not that complicated.

I think if you specifically ask a pregnant woman how she's doing, and check in with her after a scan then that's a signal that you're OK with hearing the details and not easily triggered.

It's not obvious (to me at least) that it's OK for her to talk about the pregnancy at length but scans are a step too far.

There's a difference between being a mind reader and putting some thought into how the picture will be received

No, I refuse to pander to the over sensitive brigade.They can either shout up or shut up.

Well said

I've suffered from infertility and experienced losses, some of which I found out about at a scan. But it has never stopped me from being happy for pregnant friends, their healthy baby makes no difference to my own situation and I would never be bitter about it and I have never felt triggered by scan photos.

But what if your recently separated friend said "Oh it's your tenth anniversary isn't it? Did you do anything nice?"

@Stickersandglitter

so well articulated and you sound like a lovely friend!

“We did thank you! We went for a spa day and a lovely dinner, thanks for asking. More importantly how are you doing?”

Genuinely that’s what I would reply as I’ve done before.

I vote YABU but I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset or triggered by it but I do think you are a little bit unreasonable to have not communicated your own boundaries to your friend.

It's your responsibility to communicate your boundaries, and nobody else will know how you are processing your grief. It's not their job to be mind readers.

I think it's reasonable of your friend to assume if you're talking about it that you're ready to enter back into those sorts of discussions and your friend was obviously excited to share their news to you after you opened up that communication.

If she's a good friend I think you should say you didn't realise how you're not quite ready to talk about baby things just yet and the scan pictures were really bittersweet for you but you need more time to process your own loss before talking about baby things going forward.

I’e suffered from infertility but never got pregnant, I did find them triggering when they were shoved under my nose without warning at work. I think the pregnant friend was being a bit thoughtless. Non pregnant friend did not ask to see her scan photo, she wanted to know how she was.

This. The OP hasn't done anything wrong, of course, but neither has the friend.

I think it's really odd just to send the scan picture. The more normal thing to do would be to reply "really good thanks for asking, we had the scan last week and everything is well". Then wait to be asked for the photo.

It's so insensitive to just send the picture.

I've had five losses in pregnancy and while I tried hard to enquire about friends' pregnancies I would have been so upset to be sent a picture. The friend in the OP is very insensitive in my opinion and shows a huge lack of awareness.

Yes - just sending the picture makes it seem like pregnant friend couldn’t be arsed to write anything.

To me unsolicited is a surprise text including pic or announcement including pic on facebook. A scan pic in response to non pregnant friend asking sugfests she is open to pregnancy chat/news.

Even if pregnant friend asked "would you like to see scan pic?" It would be awkward to say no.