unsolicited baby ultrasound photos - triggering?

[mumandmumber]

NC as could be outing.

Non pregnant friend who has had recent loss, fertility issues etc. checks in with newly pregnant friend to check all is well with pregnancy. Pregnant friend replies with the ultrasound photo.

AIBU to think the unsolicited visual is unnecessary and quite insensitive under the circumstances? (Note pregnant friend knows all the details of non pregnant friend’s history)

and

Anyone else find ultrasound photos particularly triggering?

i agree

i remember show someone a scan picture who remarked that how underwhelming these pictures were!

Non pregnant friend needs to get a grip.

If an ultrasound of fetus is extremely upsetting to someone with fertility issues & must not be shared with someone suffering fertility issues, then why aren't these things equally upsetting for exact same reasons:

pic of newborn
photo of very pregnant woman in arty pose showing off her bump
pic of happy woman who just gave birth
pic of any cute happy child
pic of happy family
pic of positive pregnancy test
pic of visit to IVF clinic after successful result
pic of healthy semen...
pic of healthy ovaries
pic of old lady with her own large number of descendents

It's endless, isn't it?!!! Just don't talk to people with fertility issues, is what I learned, the world is too upsetting for them.

What a nasty person you sound.

FYI when I was in the depth of despair about my infertility I did find those things upsetting (apart from pics of healthy ovaries/semen, how do you tell those are healthy by looking at them?), they would no longer bother me.

Gosh what a horrible person.

So basically, pregnant friend cannot win because she can’t possibly anticipate which camp non-pregnant friend will fall into.

I think people generally need to take responsibility for their own emotions/responses rather than assume that everyone they speak to will have their (possible) feelings front and centre in every interaction. The world is full of upsetting things, but you don’t see so many complaints eg about other people celebrating Mother’s Day when their own mother has died which can be just as painful.

@lljkk

Just don’t talk to people with fertility issues, is what I learned, the world is too upsetting for them.

This is such a cowardly, gormless and emotionally dishonest little tirade. You are basically pretending to be stupid because you don’t want to take responsibility for behaving with decency.

You must know that any of these things is potentially triggering and upsetting to a person with fertility issues.

That doesn’t mean, as you seem to be implying, that there is a need to censor yourself in their presence. People who are sensitive about something like this know full well it’s their responsibility to avoid putting themselves in emotional harm’s way. They spend their lives avoiding situations like this.

What they don’t expect is to have someone they trust, who knows they have fertility problems, shoving a sensitive picture at them. Particularly when it’s completely unnecessary.

I don’t understand why the people who like spamming the world with their pregnancy ultrasound pictures feel their need to do this is more important than the right of the person with fertility issues to avoid them? What is so unique and important about your ultrasound pictures that the world needs to see them?

OP wasn't talking about spamming, she was talking about someone supplementing a conversation with a single image.

Anyway, the world is full of folk "spamming the world" with news & images of their happy personal events. If you don't like it, don't be their "friend" on social media & avoid them in real life. This thread is literally about being offended by someone else's happy situation, and justifying why that taking offence can be often perfectly justified. Yet I get called the "horrible" one. <shrug>

No it is not about being offended. And your use of that word indicates your total lack of imagination and empathy about fertility issues.

@lljkk

OP wasn't talking about spamming, she was talking about someone supplementing a conversation with a single image

Yes when it’s unnecessary and known to be likely to cause hurt? Why?

What I really don’t understand here is why the ultrasound spammers feel it’s sooooo important to share the picture. What is it that you think a grainy greeny black and white picture of a human foetus adds to these people’s lives?

If you are sending a picture of a newborn it’s slightly different. It’s the first picture of this new human being which has arrived on earth. It’s also potentially quite triggering but justified because of it’s significance.

But sharing yet another “look at me I’m pregnant” picture: what on earth do they add? You can’t see anything of significance. Pointless and selfish. I haven’t had fertility issues but I think it’s just basic emotional intelligence.

You are horrible. ‘The world is too upsetting for them’ - an absolutely untrue statement. Those struggling with infertility do not find the ‘world’ upsetting, infact some find the world more joyful than some with children. So don’t spread such nonsense.

Seems like you’ve completely missed OP’s point and have decided to share some nasty opinion. Not once did OP say they were offended by their friends happy event - they just said they found the picture triggering and somewhat insensitive. Which if you look at the bigger picture and the actual scenario, it is.

just delete the photo op if it touches a nerve.

Surely you don’t need pointing out that it’s simply being polite?

I have little interest in other people’s kids beyond close friend’s and family’s - if I’m being totally honest - but I will always ask how they are briefly. The vast majority are able to distinguish between someone being polite and someone who wants to see loads of pictures of their children.

When I had my first and was asked by a friend going through countless unsuccessful rounds of IVF how my pregnancy was going I simply said, “Yes, they’re healthy and so am I, thank you.” Of course I could have gone into the debilitating morning sickness and shown them my scan photos but I have the tiniest amount of tact required to know they really don’t want to go into the details and are just being polite.

Surely you don’t need pointing out that it’s simply being polite?

Exactly. Probably the last thing the non pregnant woman wants is a detailed discussion about the pregnancy. But they just are mature enough to put their friendship first because it’s important to them.

Its incumbent on the pregnant person to not then go: “ooh goody…. Another person to bore with my pregnancy scans, even though I know she doesn’t want to hear it.”

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to show an ultrasound to someone who asked how your pregnancy went.

Having struggled with fertility and loss, I fully understand the “why can’t it be me” feeling, but other people didn’t put you in that situation and unless they’re being deliberately horrible (which this isn’t) then they shouldn’t have to censor a reasonable conversation.

@Thepeopleversuswork all your responses so well said & articulated - thank you. You’ve put a lot of what I feel / think into words

No problem: I am frustrated on your behalf that so many people seem to be missing the basic decency chip.

I think people generally need to take responsibility for their own emotions/responses rather than assume that everyone they speak to will have their (possible) feelings front and centre in every interaction.
I totally agree

@Newposter180 interestingly the pregnant person is estranged from their mum and they have repeatedly told me how it annoys them when another close friend posts her annual ‘love you mum’ mothers day thing on instagram!

I hear what you’re saying, we can’t expect everyone to tip toe around us - but there is a middle ground and I think being sensitive to a close friend’s feelings is just being a decent human and part of a close friendship.

Realise I'm going against the grain here, but I wish women wouldn't share scan photos at all as one never knows what's going on behind the scenes with other people. I am well past child bearing age now and have two fine specimens I'm so grateful for, but I so desperately regret not pushing ex dh harder to have a third or leaving earlier before I was too old to do so. This hits me in waves some days even now and when it does I'm inconsolable. I've actually been blocked from quite a fluffy Facebook page to do with a hobby I have as when I was having a bad day someone posted their scan pic and I reacted. Was very polite as I reacted but I was told in no uncertain terms that it was acceptable posting material and I was kicked off the page by the moderator and then a couple of years later re joined and then was kicked off again within a day as they obviously realised who I was and remembered. Now I can only imagine how upsetting seeing those pictures would be to someone struggling with infertility or loss and I just don't see the need. No-one other than my mum, in laws and obviously ex dh saw my scan pics and no-one else needed to! It's just bizarre that women think it's an OK thing to do imo.

@TheSnootiestFox I've actually been blocked from quite a fluffy Facebook page to do with a hobby I have as when I was having a bad day someone posted their scan pic and I reacted.
To have actually been blocked what did you actually say/how did you react?

Yes, we can’t expect everyone to tip toe around us especially when they know nothing about our circumstances, but a bit of sensitivity from a close friend who knows what you are going through is not too much to ask IMO.

That it was insensitive to those suffering from infertility and had no relevance to the page. In pretty much those words. Only to be directly messaged by the admin and told that it had always been a 'place for hatches and matches' and I was no longer welcome.

Enjoying all the people on this thread who have clearly sent unsolicited scan pics knowingly or unknowingly to people suffering fertility issues and/or loss who are now choosing to double down on being arseholes 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

Don’t get me wrong, I have also accidentally been that original arsehole!! But surely better to take the realisation on board that it’s sometimes possible to deeply wound other humans without even realising (and therefore to try try to pay more attention in future) than to insist that the person that you might have hurt was ‘asking for it’?