How would you parent this situation?

[Himitsu]

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

Sorry don’t know where I got music festival from.

Poor kid. Hope she gets to go home soon. More kindness, less forced fun.

I wouldn't be negotiating carry her out the tent kicking and screaming. If she's going to behave like a baby that's how she needs to be dealt with. Your raising a spoilt brat.

Wow that would be a dream for most!

It’s easy to get exasperated and I would too but take a step back and think - maybe she is genuinely overwhelmed by how busy it is and the noise. Actually try to have a chat with her

Which is why i said pre-teens/teens.
A 10 year old is not a 'little girl' - any ten year old girl will be pretty pissed off if you say they are a 'little girl'!!
A 10 year old is likely little more than a year off secondary school where they are expected to get on with it. 10 year olds do not need babying they aren't toddlers!

That's unusual. Is she anxious, maybe?

And no I wouldn't be getting angry, she's only 10. I'd be concerned she's anxious and overwhelmed.

@Waffle78 wow. You sound like a nice person. Wonder how your relationship will be with your own kids when they grow up...

Aha my point proven.
Why is your first assumption that a 10 year old is 'anxious'? The majority will not be. Much more likely that she is just being silly /wants to stay looking at a screen?
People need to stop jumping straight to anxious/overwhelmed. Most 10 year olds arent 'anxious'. They might have the odd worry or occasionally feel anxious about something but this is normal, having feelings is normal life and this does not mean they 'are anxious'.

It’s really strange that she has been sat inside the tent all day without any entertainment

That is either an incredible amount of single bloody mindedness…or something is stopping her from leaving the tent but she can’t articulate it. I agree with a lot of PPs, I would not be happy with a ten year old being on their phone in the tent all day in lieu of activities. But if you’ve removed tech is she literally just staring at the tent walls? Why is she doing that? You say she’s lazy but usually the need for stimulation prevails eventually, especially in children. I’m possibly not ideally placed to comment (I have ADHD and need stimulation and exercise otherwise I’m no use to anyone) but choosing to be confined to a tent all day without anything to do doesn’t sound particularly normal, especially for a (presumably) pre pubescent child.

Hope you manage to find some enjoyment in your trip x

Lesson learnt. A 10 year old does not get to decide where the whole family is going , " thinking she will like it". Next time you and your husband organise a holiday, we just came from one. The usual stuff, beach, walks, visits to places, there are families everywhere with kids, the kids just tag along and run around, play games, eat ice cream.

I think all DC get fed up and moody on holidays. My lovely dad used to say to us “this holiday cost a lot of money and you will enjoy it whether you like it or not”. I’ve used it with my dc, it breaks the ice but the dc are left in no doubt that they will behave and not spoil the holiday.

I actually wanted to use this word but thought they will delete my post also

I always observe kids and families on holidays: I have never seen a kid crying or pulling away from a beach, a rock pool, an ice cream van or the like. I don't know what forced fun your daughter thought she will like, but apparently was something she actually dislikes and is not ready for such social gatherings.

I’d tell her she’s ten years old, you’re the adult and she does what you say. End of.

Yeah poor kid…..going on a trip she requested for her birthday. It probably cost the parents a fortune and has taken loads of planning. Such trauma. The replies on here are mental!

For starters, I really sympathise, OP.

With hindsight (my kids are technically adults now) I'd say:

Don't go to a festival for DD's birthday unless you really want to and would go without her. Don't do things to "parent" that don't come (at least a bit) naturally to you in the first place.

There's probably more going on in her head than you know. Whatever you decide to do, keep an open mind about that. She needs you just as much as the 2yo.

There is no getting it right and there never will be. So in the main, follow through on what you say you'll do, Be careful what you say. Sometimes, given a bit of time and space, they rethink and apologise,

What were the booked activities and what are her confidence levels like?

She’s 10 and primary school children often don’t know what something they think they want to do will look like in practice.

If this is her first festival maybe it was all more overwhelming and busy than she expected.

I can remember being push towards doing lots of activities that were out of my comfort zone as a kid without much support/info about how to go about and navigate them.

Just because she likes doing one activity regularly at home at the same location every time doesn’t mean it will feel the same. I’m guessing there is mostly adults at this festival too?

Completely agree with this post also..

17.4% of children have a mental health disorder it's a huge problem now especially in secondary schools. So I wouldn't be so quick to discard something as common as anxiety.

Dispite the fact that she chose to go to the festival and it is to do with an activity that she usually enjoys, she doesn't want to do it. Doesn't that imply to you that she is unhappy or not coping with the situation for whatever reason?

Yes I guess it's frustrating but you can't force your child to enjoy something. An adult forced to do something they're not happy with can pretend but for a young child that would be difficult. I doubt very much that she's trying to control you, don't make it into a battle of wills.

Would people really drag their 10 year old child out of a tent?? Wow! if I saw someone doing that to child I'd want to intervene, it would be awful to witness.

Well I have personal experience @Laundryliar of a sibling who was like this, everyone in the family thought they were being lazy. As an adult they have anxiety and depression to the point of being suicidal and under hospital care several times. I doubt it's exactly the same for this girl of course but I do think a ten year old preferring to sit in a tent all day with no tech if you read the update is not normal and there is likely something causing this.

Which means over 82 percent don't. I stand by what i said, the majority of kids this age do not have anxiety so jt shouldn't be peoples default suggestion that they do.

Very jealous you're at that festival.
Karting is a very expensive hobby for a 10yr old and will only get more expensive as she progresses. If she's not playing ball regularly I'd be rethinking the amount of money you're throwing at this. At 10 she's old enough to understand the cost of things.

I would follow a middle path between the extremes on this thread. I wouldn't pander to sulky behaviour that is rooted in just wanting to have her own way (if that is what is happening). But I also wouldn't drag her kicking and screaming or punish her harshly. I don't see the need for punishment generally TBH, but that's a topic for another thread.

Since it seems to be a pattern she has fallen into, there probably is a reason behind it. Sorry@HimitsuI know you said that there doesn't have to be a reason. But I imagine there is one. Something stops her from wanting to engage in new activities, even if she thinks she will enjoy them. I'd try to work out what that something is. If she really sat in the tent all day doing absolutely nothing, that indicates she's struggling in some way. At the same time, I'd talk to her about being part of a family and how you want to enjoy time together. Not in an emotionally manipulative way, but just as a reminder of how important she is to the family and that you want to spend time with her.

Exactly this