How would you parent this situation?

[Himitsu]

Currently at a festival with husband, dd10 and ds2.

Dd10 is refusing to leave the tent. Doesn’t want to go to the festival (that she really wanted to come to!)

We have paid for activities that she wanted to do today and we are currently just sat here. Short of physically manhandling her I’m not sure what to do. Toddler is bored and wants to go and see stuff. Husband is going to take him down in a bit but means I’m stuck here with moody 10 year old and I’m really pissed off. She’s saying her head hurts (it only hurts when she’s doesn’t want to do something funnily enough).

What would you do in this situation? She just had a lovely birthday party, lovely gifts and this was part of it. She just manages to ruin almost every day we out we have when she doesn’t get her own way. Shes generally a lovely girl but lately had really ramped up with the laziness and defiance. Trying not to fall out and ruin our last day here but in half tempted to just pack up and go.

Kids or teenagers might struggle with communication, emotions, etc and this does not equate the label mental health disorder. People are free to feel and live various emotions all the while being mentally healthy also.

Yes absolutely this. She either takes part whole heartedly or not at all. It’s an expensive thing to do.

edited because of fat finger typos :)

oh gosh!

Time for reflection, I would say, how on earth has it got to the point where a 10 year old is dictating your weekend.

exert some parental control and let her know who the parent is. You are in charge not her.

Even if she is acting in a way which might suggest she feels anxious? And bearing in mind that 1 in 6 children have a mental health disorder? Posters still shouldn't question if she is overwhelmed and feeling anxious??
Ok then

I am taking on board the advice. Parenting is bloody hard isn’t it? I’m just winging it really! I was never parented really by my parents so this is all brand new to me. We went for a stroll around the campsite this evening and she loved seeing all the old classic cars parked up outside their tents and she got chatting with some of the owners. Racing really is in her blood, I’m not forcing this on her at all. She lives and breathes cars. I would never force her to do it (would save me quite a lot of money do she didn’t!)

Feeling overwhelmed is not a mental disorder. So much projection these days. We have to label everyone.

Have you been able to get the bottom of why she won't leave the tent? Is she struggling with the crowds/ noise/ unfamiliarity? If she feeling insecure/ out of place? Does she genuinely feel under the weather? Is she over tired? Is it pre-teen hormones. There could be a lot going on.

They are grown up I've raised 2 with severe autism and ADHD and epilepsy on my own. They can't even step out the front door alone as young adults. I never had this behaviour from them quite the opposite. They appreciate everywhere I take them. Yes I have to motivate them to get ready and go out. I know if I didn't motivate them they would just sit on the sofa not go anywhere and get lazy.

At 10, none of my three would have dared to refuse to take part like this! You are going to have to get a grip on this behaviour, otherwise you are going to have an absolute nightmare of a teen on your hands!!!

It's non-negotional!!

Yeah I would be removing privileges. No phone. No screen time when she gets home. For a week of necessary. No treats. Toddler can have them, but not her etc etc. She will cave in the end.

It is difficult.

You have to strike a balance between requiring your child to fit in to a certain degree and to best their own difficult feelings about that to a certain degree. It's not your job as parent to make sure she never feels any discomfort or frustration.

At the same time you have to be responsive and understanding. where appropriate.

Eg I would require my two to join in. However I know them well and if I could see that they were just shattered and needed down time, I would change my approach.

If however they were just being lazy and entitled- they have to fit in and join in.

I have a teen DD and older teen DS they are very much little girls whatever they may like to believe are they even pre-teens, I thought that was 11/12? Surely at least secondary school age is pre-teen, a ten year old is still at primary school!

*bear not best

NRTFT but you take control. Offer two options, both of which you’re happy with. Offer a stick, offer a carrot (make it clear you’d rather not use the stick). Eg. ‘We can stay here for the next hour but then we’re going out to get food but you’ll have lost your phone/tablet/an hour of screen time etc or we can go out now and have a nice time. If you come out now maybe we can get a donut. I’d definitely prefer the second option. What about you?’ Batten down the hatches for the possibility of a strop. Stick to your guns. You can’t let a ten year old dictate a holiday. If you do, imagine what the teenage years will be like!! (From the mum of an extremely strong willed ten yo boy - honestly, I swear he’d wear down the most experienced of diplomats!)

If It is a festival about cars and that is her passion, it makes sense that she doesn’t like walking very much, does she walk much at home.

She may be a bit shy on her own, if other kids doing the activities are with siblings or friends. There was a 7 year age gap between me and my younger sibling. I remember from about 8 or 9 feeling quite self-conscious of being on my own, even if other kids were on their own. If they were kids I didn’t know I hadn’t really learned the art if striking up a conversation. It’s different at home as you get to know the kids.

“She sounds horrible”?

She’s a ten year old child!! 🙄

My DD would have sat in the tent for days without any ents. The removal of any home privileges wouldn't have moved her. She would have had to have been dragged kicking and screaming out of the tent, and then dragged to the festival.

Then she would have been dragged kicking and screaming. I have no patience with wet parents who seem to just accept that they have no control over their children. Wtf? Have some authority. Who exactly is in charge here? This is not a democracy! It's not open to negotiation. I am the parent and if I say we're going out, we're bloody going out.

It should never get to this point. You lay the foundations early at 3, 4, 5 years old. What mum says goes. Physical removal/reinforcement if necessary. By 10 refusing shouldn't even occur to them as an option.

It's not a democracy. My child wouldn't have a choice.

Some of the replies on here show why we have such a mental health crisis in children. What a lot of unpleasant sounding control freakery.

Glad your daughter enjoyed the evening, OP.

Expecting a child to do what an adult says isn’t the reason for mental health issues. Too much choice, being treated like rational little adult in one breath but then like a child in the next leads to confusion, having no boundaries, projecting adult issues onto children at very young ages, unsupervised access to the internet. They are all reasons, in my opinion, why children have mental health issues. That is if they do, I also think adults are far too quick to label children with anxiety or other issues when worry is a normal part of life. We should be teaching children to be resilient and selfless (not spoiling the trip for others) rather than it all being about me me me. I will no doubt get flamed for this unpopular opinion but the replies on here have been mad.

This is perfect advice

OP I'm glad she enjoyed it in the end. Just to say my DD got her periods at just turned 11 and we had awful moody stroppy behaviour at your DDs age and I was fit to throttle her so it genuinely could be hormonal and your DD probably doesn't even know why she is behaving like it. I remember a birthday party where she initially refused to participate after wanting to attend and I actually had to walk away and take deep breaths.

dont manhndle her.take the tent down.

Sounds like she’s in control. You need to take it back. Pack up and go home.