My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

Ask if he would be willing to take a step back in his career and be the primary carer.

But

You had a deal, and a pretty simple one at that, if he wanted kids all he had to do was walk the dog and do more housework.

He chose not to do that, therefore making the decision for you.

I'm presuming he's not a male Mrs Hinch and professional dog-walker now?

He’s self employed, creative industry. And we’ve had this discussion. He would actively be the primary carer if we were to as I’m the main earner, and love my job.

Surely this was a pre wedding conversation?

No one is ever unreasonable for not wanting a child.

Of course you're not being unreasonable, you don't want a baby so don't have one. Tell him it's a deal breaker if he starts trying to pressure you into agreeing. The no always wins.

It was a first date conversation (we were friends for 6 years first). And an ongoing one prior to us getting married.

Keep on your course, OP. Pregnancy is never risk free. Childbirth is never risk free.

How is your DH on walking the dog etc? Did he keep it up or did it all fade when the baby didn't materialise.

Double up on your contraception, just in case. But babies are one of those "two enthusiastic yesses" in a relationship. And you are not one of those.

The problem is that "not fazed," "if it happens, it happens," and "when you do more around the house" are all really vague. Now you're both in the last-chance stage it's turned into a flat no. For him, that's a hard pill to swallow, no matter how much he's shirked the chores. Relationship counselling might help you work through it.

Surely if you are at board level of a large corporate then you can afford cleaner etc and also if he is the primary carer then it shouldn’t impact you on a day to day level.
i do think YANBU to decide whatever you want but at the same time your husband is now 45 and childless! And you’ve let him have a long term relationship with the feeling that one day he’d have a child. If the sexes were reversed here you’d be coming off very badly OP. SMH

And what did you decide?
Imagine this reversed if a man changed their mind after marriage.

Yanbu to not want to BTW I totally see your point. It's if you've changed your mind that I think would be hard for DH ?

If you love your life as it is, then don't change it. My parents had my sister when they were in their forties and they struggled massively. Unfortunately there isn't any compromise to having children, so you need to make the decision that is best for you.

My gut feeling when I read your post is oh god no. You've done amazingly well for yourself, it can't have been easy having your DD at 16. And your DD is flying too. I am 38 with two young kids btw (7 and 3) and there's no way I'd go back to the baby stage now. Looking forward to a bit more independence. I also really like my job!

Has he made the changes you said you'd discuss after?

If he was clear he wanted a child and you didn't say you didn't, he's not being unreasonable to still want a child. This may be the deal breaker for your marriage though and while you don't have to want another baby at 40 and not unreasonable to not want one, you are being unreasonable for not setting clear boundaries 7 years ago.

Women on here are being told all the time they've wasted their 30s on men who weren't ready for babies and now it's too late so they resent them. Men can feel that way too.

Fuck that. You've done all of the baby stuff. Its a huge age gap. I had my DC at 40 and 42 and I have aged, what seems like 100 years, there are also lots of additional risks being an older mum. He wants a baby but would he be able to dare for one if they had additional needs?

Men can have babies whenever. Women have a biological clock to think about. Our fertility starts declining at 35. I know a man who recently had a baby in his 70s. His wife is in her early 50s. No fertility treatment.

YANBU, it sounds like you're well past all of that, I wouldn't want to go back to baby life.

I will give an example of this happening to a former colleague of mine. She had an adult daughter from a relationship when she was very young. She met a man who convinced her to have children in their forties, she already had a house, a career before he came on the scene. She has subsequently had two kids with SEN, whom she absolutely adores of course, but he does absolutely nothing with them, she has had to give up work, she is on her knees and frankly he has become nothing short of an abusive bastard towards her on the intervening time. The fact that your DH already shows himself to be quite selfish, you take care of him (financially) and his home environment this could turn out to be absolutely disastrous for you. My ex colleague is an absolute shell of herself.

What does he say when you say how is he going to pull his weight with a child when he can’t even be arsed with the dog?

Bottom line is you don’t want a baby so you aren’t having one. You can’t gestate and give birth to a baby you don’t really want. That’s awful.

You having told him you were "not fazed" about having a baby is not the same as you having told him you definitely didn’t want one, so I don’t think he is being unreasonable in wanting a child of his own before it’s too late. But you are also not being unreasonable if you really don’t want one. There’s no right or wrong answer here - one of you might always feel resentful. Which of you is it more likely to be?

He still doesn’t walk the dogs 50% of the time. A child is by no means a dealbreaker for our relationship, he’d like one, but has always known it’s not something I was keen on as I never really wanted to put my body through another pregnancy as I almost died the first time. And from the off I’ve always said if it was a must for him then we wouldn’t work.

Seems perfectly reasonable. You've already raised a child, so know the realities of what's involved. If having a child is a dealbreaker for him, you'd think, at minimum, he would step up more and help around the house and with the dog since you've told him that's one of the reasons you're not keen. Yes, you could potentially outsource some of the housework etc as PPs have suggested, but if DH isn't actively doing the research to make it happen, then it's another responsibility that falls on your shoulders.

I agree with this. However the onus is on the DH not the OP. The DH should have actively pursued this more if its what he really wanted, when OP was at the not fazed stage and not the no stage. If OP wasn't fazed she was never going to pursue it.

You aren't unreasonable to want no more kids and he isn't unreasonable to want a child.

You were both unreasonable to marry whilst being so wishy washy about wanting kids.

I don't think you should give in and have a child to please him, but I do think (having been in your husband's place) that someone who wants a child should never be expected to sacrifice the opportunity to become a parent. Ideally he would have come to this realisation before you got married...but he didn't. If it was me, I'd let him go and hope he had his chance to be a Dad, painful as it may be.

And I'm saying that as someone for whom the wanting/not wanting kids problem ended an otherwise very beautiful relationship. It was absolutely the right thing to do as either way if one of us got want we wanted, ten or more years down the line it would be only natural for a lot of resentment and grief to set in and ruin what we had anyway.

You'd have had very different answers if the gender roles were reversed here.

I do sympathise. It's a horrible situation to be in.

That’s exactly my point, it’s another thing to fall on my shoulders. And he seems to like the idea I doubt he’d like the reality. We already have a godsend of a cleaner.