My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

You're so right am 45 with a 2year old toddler I have so aged for the past 2 years. I was much prettier with just one child who starts high school next week . Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's left it a bit bloody late.

Relationships break up, partners can die early, Men decide that the practical side of raising children didn't live up to the idea they had in their heads and walk away from it, shit happens.
I always say only have a child if you are 100% ok with raising that child alone. Because life sometimes pulls the rug out from under us.

I don't think YABU, as you've made it clear from the start.

I mean, regarding the dogs, are they his dogs?

His choices are stay and accept he will never be a parent, or leave and search for someone to be a parent with.

I hope it works out x

I'm just going to throw in to the mix

I'm 44 and currently 11+3 with my 6 th pregnancy and 3rd child.

I wouldn't know I'm even pregnant 🤭

you can afford cleaner etc and also if he is the primary carer then it shouldn’t impact you on a day to day level.

What the fuck?

Are you suggesting that pregnancy, childbirth, feeding and then parenting another child until her death has no impact on a day to day level as long as she has a cleaner and isn't a SAHP?

The one who doesn't vetos the one who does. He's welcome to leave and find someone else to breed with

A woman would be told exactly the same

They’re our dogs.

God no. Love my DC, but the thought of having a baby to care for at 45… 😱 and I wouldn’t be the one facing all the potential complications of a pregnancy!

You sound like you’ve got a good balance of work and home life. Why would you want to change that? Particularly if you’re, at very best, ambivalent about the ‘benefits’ of nappy changes, late feeds, toddler-hood, early years schooling then teenage angst etc. You’d be considering retirement by the time they hit Uni / become anywhere close to independence.

You’d be mad to contemplate this, particularly if the nominated ‘main’ carer doesn’t have much of a history of stepping up to the plate.

Literally said they had the discussion and it was "if it happens it happens"

Have you actually examined the reason he wants a child? Is it because he likes the idea of being a dad? Feels like he needs to pass on a legacy. feels like it's just something you do in life?
He's 45, he's used to pleasing himself and not having to consider someone else's needs to the degree you have to with children. Is he even aware of what that entails? It could come as a massive shock to him how curtailing a baby can be to your freedom. Could you 100% trust him to step up and not leave you to do the bulk of the caring and emotional work?

@SilverBranchGoldenPears

"Surely if you are at board level of a large corporate then you can afford cleaner etc and also if he is the primary carer then it shouldn’t impact you on a day to day level."

You can't be serious! Having a baby shouldn't impact you on a day to day level! All the cleaners in the world won't mitigate the fact that you've shoved another human being out of your body and are, effectively, responsible for them for years to come. To say nothing of the phsycial effects at the age of 40 and the higher risk of disability to the child. The impact of having a child has been compared to like a bomb going off. Especially when trying to hold down a fairly high powered job. What about the loss of freedom, socialising, holidays, your relationship? The whole dynamic changes in every way you can possibly imagine, no matter how much domestic support or money you have.

God don't do it, you have no idea how shit your 50's is. If I'd had a child then I'd have hurled myself off a cliff. I had mine very young so I could indulge my every whim in my 50's.

Tbh you should have been a lot less vague 7 years ago.......' walk the dog more ' isn't really a firm answer when it comes to having a child. If you'd didn't want one it should have been a flat and firm no back then.

I can see why he's a bit upset if you've been wishy washy around the subject. It's a yes or no answer. There's not really any if, buts or maybes about it. And if you've kept him hanging on an not been clear about what you want then that isn't OK.

This

I would NOT have a child with him at this stage in your life/relationship. He has shown you who he is by his actions (not pulling his weight at home with the dog, housework), even after being told that's what it would take to demonstrate his commitment.

Sounds like the typical mid-life crisis, sensing his own end, wants a baby ... who he'll quickly realise is too much work and abscond, dumping all the responsibility on you. And god forbid a baby had special needs or health issues (at your ages, a possibility) ... do you really think he has the patience/tolerance/ability to cope? When he can't walk the dog or push a vacuum around without being told to?

You've done parenthood and have no wish to do it again understandably given your career.

It is your body and pregnancy/birth is much harder on an older body - the risks are higher.

It's easy peasy for him to say he want you to take those risks of damage and death.

It's also easy for him to say he'll look after the baby - that might well change when the reality hits and the day in day out drudgery kicks in.

If one partner says no, it's a no for that partnership.

It does mean if he wants to be a parent above all things, you might need to split up - but that could happen anyway for many different reasons.

Is there any chance that he actually resents your success and wants to hobble your career with this demand?

You should have been more straightforward about it. Not phased to me means well ok if I do amd OK if I don't. Seems mean not to give him the chance to be a father if that's what he wants. Just because you'd rather put yourself and career first. Reversed the man would be roundly lambasted.

Sounds like he's just having a slight 'this is it' getting older realisation.

Personally I'd keep the conversation firmly on the realities of the choice, all the disruption to your lives, risks of baby in unhealthy, his lack of inclination to pro actively do more than minimum at home meaning he isn't a natural hands on guy.. And get him to reflect on where this is coming from.
Is it because his older middle age is looking on the horizon and he's having a bit of a 'oh crap' moment... I'd want him to do some soul searching about where this interest in becoming a father creating a baby is coming from.

Him suddenly realising he wants a baby can be the first signs that what he actually wants a change. Not unlike the people who get married after 15 years together and divorce within two. I think there is every chance you'd be a lone parent.

Well, he can always go through pregnancy and childbirth himself if he wants it so much, can't he? 🙄

Oh wait...

Congratulations on your clearly wanted pregnancy but this is a deeply unhelpful response to the OP and the thread in general. Your happiness at a wanted pregnancy is not relevant to the OP not wanting to be pregnant/have another child. She’s not going to turn into you if she gets pregnant just because you are similar ages.

I agree with this. It doesnt seem like a flat out NO, more of a well, if it happens thats fine. I think it would be different if you had flat out said no way but I agree that what you decided was quite vague and nebulous.

Of course, if you dont want another baby thats your choice, not his, and I wouldnt want one at that age either. But I do think if it was a hardline no you should have made that crystal clear from the beginning.

Talk to him about it. Ultimately its your body and you should have the final say but you do need to discuss it properly.

How much experience does DH actually have of babies and young children? Does he have lots of siblings younger than him? Who have lots of babies, toddlers and children whom he enjoys looking after?

Or is it a fantasy, a bit like the dog, which once it arrives is very lovable but needs (gulp) looking after, taking for walks, feeding…..

Perhaps DH should start volunteering at Scouts or training as a nursery worker to satisfy his paternal urges ( or discard them if unpalatable).

Nor is it ever unreasonable to want one.

This couple agreed on no children years ago but people change, priorities change.