My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

Hmm of course you are absolutely within your rights to say no you don’t want a child but your husband is also allowed to want one. And I do understand him thinking YABU for not entertaining it when it sounds like neither of you have set clear boundaries. It sounds like yous have had discussions about who would be the primary care giver of said child so I can’t understand him being upset when you now say absolutely not. That’s not to say you should do it, nobody should feel forced into having a child they don’t fully want but I can see why he’s a bit hurt and confused by your stance now.

He’s not being denied the opportunity FFS, he’s fully able to decide this means a lot to him and leave and find someone who wants a child. It’s not OPs job to just do what he wants so she’s not ‘denying’ him.

Its also sexes, not genders, unless you believe her husband could just identify as a woman and then get pregnant himself.

@dazedandconfuseddaily when you tell him that you can talk about it when he walks the dog more and does more around the house then that's not 'there is absolute no chance I want another child'. To me it's unclear.

Of course, he should've been clearer with you too, the if it happens it happens should've been 'I want a child'.

No I think if he wants a child then he needs to leave the relationship to have a child with another woman who wants a child. That would be the advice given to a woman in this situation too. I’ve seen it given many times.

You were both unreasonable to marry whilst being so wishy washy about wanting kids.

Don't be daft. Lots of couples get together at a point in their lives when kids just aren't in their thought process either way. For many, probably most, it works out one way or the other.

YANBU, op. Your DH had plenty of a chance to step up if he really wanted a kid that much. He wasn't willing to do what sounds like even his fair share around the house and with the dog with no baby.

Maybe it matters to him more but he's not even walking the dog enough ffs. And - entirely reasonably because of age - you're even less keen now than before.

And ultimately, he can't 'have a baby'. Your body, your choice.

It is like youve read a completely different thread. Op made it bery clear she didnt want a child. Before marriage she said it would be a deal breaker if it was something he knew he wanted. They breifly discussed it 7 years ago, when op made clear it wasnt an option as he wasnt an equal adult in the house. He still hasnt stepped up to be an equal adult in the house.

he wasnt lead up a garden path. Children were never on the table. from the off I’ve always said if it was a must for him then we wouldn’t work. first date conversation.

of course if a woman wants a child she will be told to leave a relationship where her husband doesn't. As it isnt fair on him to force them on him.

op‘s husband is also free to decide whether it is a deal breaker for him and walk away. What He doesn't get is to demand them from op.

I think any woman that has had children and then gets into a relationship with a childfree man will eventually have to deal with this issue despite what the man says at the beginning, so for that reason yabu, because deep down most woman know this.

Seven years ago when he raised it for the first and only time in our relationship prior to now. I was open to the conversation, I was 33 and at the beginning of my board career, but there were things at home where equal weight was not being pulled. The main example being the dog which we both wanted (and love to bits). If he couldn’t demonstrate pulling his weight with a dog or around the house how the hell would he pull his weight with a child. It’s one thing wanting a child, but there is weight to pull.

I've not said it's up to OP to "just do what he wants" - I've said she shouldn't have a child she doesn't want.

As for your last point, I apologise for using sexes/genders in a way it's not trendy or PC anymore - I don't keep with all the identifying as this, that and the other
business so in my head they are the same thing. I appreciate the world has moved on.

If he does want a child, above everything else, he can ask for a divorce.
Same advice given to women.
OP doesn't have to consider putting her body through the trauma of birth if she chooses not to.
We all have a right to change our mind for what ever reason.

i can see both sides. You were pretty vague to be fair. “Not phased” is very different to no.

If one person wants a baby and the other person doesn't, the person who doesn't 'wins'.

However I do feel for him...sounds like you have been a big ambiguous over the whole thing. You should have made your wishes clear from the start

Babies are always a blessing but at your age and circumstances where you don't want to curtail your career to raise a child, I think that ship has now sailed and it would be unfair on the child.

It's really a case of leaving it too late and he should have split with you years ago when you made it clear you didn't want a child and he did.

He still could split with you if it's a child he really wants but it's unfair of him to pressure you when you have not wavered from your decision to have no more children.

yes but OP would have to get pregnant, carry the baby, birth the baby (with the consequential risk of birth injury), maybe feed the baby, take the hit to her career from having some time off. It’s hardly like shelling peas is it?

Whereas the husband hasn’t been too bothered for years and I wonder if he did step up on housework and walking the dog. He’s clearly not been too bothered, and clearly OP has put the topic on the table from the start. I have limited sympathy with the husband here now getting pushy about babies.

I would tell him that he hasn't demonstrated that he deserves to be a father. This may be difficult for him to accept since there are lots of shit fathers who do bugger all for their kids and just enjoy the fun moments - "Disney dads" - and he may look at them and say, "why can't I be one of those? Why can't I swan around doing what I like, changing the odd nappy or two, enjoying the good bits while handing back the kid any time it gets hard or interferes with my work or hobbies?"

I would tell him that if that's what he wants, he had better leave and find another sucker to exploit.

Men don't improve after kids, they get worse. He's at the best he's going to be in terms of sharing the load right now. Scary thought.

You don't owe him a child.

If he wants one he'll have to leave and find someone else

You aren't unreasonable for not wanting a child. He's not unreasonable for wanting a child.

But you can't have half a child, so you need to re-evaluate your relationship. A child is not really something you can compromise on. If he wanted one 7 years ago and still wants one, it's not going to go away.

This may be true but isn’t there a growing body of evidence suggesting older sperm is responsible for a lot of learning disabilities and other medical issues in children? I don’t recall exact details.

I agree with others saying the vagueness around the conversations you've had about it have gotten you to this point. It's clear from your comments you didn't want another baby, you said if he wanted one you two wouldn't work, so why wasn't it properly discussed then and a decision made. "If you do this", "not actively trying but if it happens it happens" it's all very wishy washy.

Anyway you can't turn back time and change the conversations. yanbu to not want a baby but this should've been sorted out a long time ago. Will this be a deal breaker for ye?

Yes. Just because a man can physically father a child in his 60's/70's doesn't mean he should. There is a higher risk of genetic issues, and also the social aspect to think about (is it good for a child to have such an old father).

Men under 50 are better suited to parenthood in most ways, just as younger women are. Just because it's physically possible doesn't mean it's right.

@dazedandconfuseddaily then yes, he should've brought this up again and been clearer that it was a priority.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable in what you want.

Your husband will have to decide what is more important to him, a relationship with you or a potential child with someone else.

But in your shoes I personally wouldn't want a child either.

This isn't a deal breaker for OP but for her husband. He's the one who has decided he wants a child now, not ten years ago. Ten years ago is when he was being asked to step up and do his fair share of chores, and he chose not to; so I don't see why OP is getting such a hard time.

I had my youngest when I was 39 and 10 years later I am honestly completely exhausted, in the middle of menopause, and while I obviously love DS loads, if I were to go back in time, I wouldn't have a second baby. We have a big age gap so my eldest is at a very different stage of life.

You are 39 now but it took me over a year to conceive my youngest so you could feasibly be 40 or 41 when you conceive and maybe 42 when you actually have a baby and I promise you you are going to be completely exhausted.

I think you just have to tell your DH that you are too old to have a baby now. Funnily enough, when my DS was two I wanted to have a third and my DH who is 8 years older than me said no because he felt he was too old to have another baby and with hindsight now I can see how right he was.

I wouldn't get into big conversations about fertility and viability of sperm. I would simply say to DH I'm sorry but I'm too old to have another baby now and he will have to make his decision from there.

Don't have a child you don't really want. It's not fair on them, or on your DH.

But equally, you need to be prepared for the relationship to be over if this is a dealbreaker for him.

And this is key, really. The question woman always have to ask themselves is ‘do I want to be responsible for raising a child alone? ‘ obviously it’s worst case scenario but it’s much easier for men to walk away because ‘it’s all too much’ or they were unrealistic about what having a child means with regards to impact on THEIR work/ leisure time/ family dynamics/ sex life/ finances etc. (plus he takes half your assets with him). I’m not trying to be doom and gloom but it happens all the time and the whole parenting 50:50 is often poo-pooed by the father, difficult emotionally for the mother and child and the logistics are a massive hassle. I really don’t think men truly understand what they’re asking for when they push for a baby. I’ve not even gone into the physical/ mental/ career implications for the mother.if that’s a deal breaker for him, so be it.