My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

Are we reading the same thread?
Two posters have said it's the end of the marriage.
Many posters have said ok, fine not to have a child but let him go.
3 up to as far as I've read say marriage counselling.

It's not gender its SEX

And I'm here to also say, let him go and have a child with someone else.
And I'm only on page 2.

He's 45, why would he even want to start having kids at that age?

Op being ‘wishy washy’ did it clear to him to that she wasn’t on the same page. As an adult with agency, if having a child was and is important to him, then he was and is perfectly capable of ending the relationship himself and pursuing it.

The same goes for women in the same situation.

Oh mother of God!!! 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I'm gobsmacked at all these "you should have been less vague 7 years ago" posts. I'd counter with, "he should have been clearer 7 years ago that at some point, he was definitely going to want children". It's pretty clear he's been as wishy washy about it as anythingi and he's not at an age where he's staring down the barrel of "now or never" and has suddenly decided it's now.

If he decides that wanting a child is something he absolutely wants, he has every right to end this relationship and go find someone else. But in the meantime, after this not even being discussed for 7 years, and him not doign the ONE thing you had said was a clear indicator of whether you'd be willing to have children or not.... bollocks.

The only thing I'd perhaps have some sympathy for is if you just said a blanket "no" vs sitting down and having a conversation about it - "look, i get that suddenly you're thinking about this. But I have thought about it and these are the reasons I'm just not willing to even consider it at this point whereas I might have been 5 years ago...."

Also, just to add, I think you are being 100% sensible to have "doesn't even do 50% of the dog care" to your list of reasons why this isn't something you'd consider. Too many men want children, but don't want the effort and work that goes with it. If he can't even do his fair share with the dog, why on earth would you think he's goign to do his fair share with a baby.

I think that you have been honest about not having another child. You had a child at 16 and almost died then. You have to bring up your daughter and paid for her university.
Your now 45 and have a good job. At your age you have a high chance of having a child with special needs and not all special needs like autism are apparent at birth. I know several couples with special needs children and being honest it extremely hard going.
You told your husband years ago if you saw him do more at home ect you might consider this and he made no changes.

I know that some men like the idea of having a child but they have no idea of the reality of having a baby, small child ect and that's without throwing special needs into the mix.

I watched a friend of mine being involved with a man like this and they were both in their early 40's. He ended things with her and got a new younger girlfriend. She was pregnant within a year. He is now in his early 50's and his child has autism. He was made redundant about 2 years ago and now claims benefits for looking after his child. His life is bringing his child to school, outings, appointments and dealing with the meltdowns. His partner works full time.

My friend meanwhile was unhappy after they broke up but is now glad she did not have a child with him. She is single and childless. She is looking forward to a few holidays. She is making plans to change jobs next year to increase her earnings.

In your situation I would be very clear about the fact that your not going to have another child. I would feel the same in your situation and you now have more money to invest in your pension or could perhaps plan to retire early.

I think that you have been honest about not having another child. You had a child at 16 and almost died then. You have to bring up your daughter and paid for her university.
Your now 45 and have a good job. At your age you have a high chance of having a child with special needs and not all special needs like autism are apparent at birth. I know several couples with special needs children and being honest it extremely hard going.
You told your husband years ago if you saw him do more at home ect you might consider this and he made no changes.

I know that some men like the idea of having a child but they have no idea of the reality of having a baby, small child ect and that's without throwing special needs into the mix.

I watched a friend of mine being involved with a man like this and they were both in their early 40's. He ended things with her and got a new younger girlfriend. She was pregnant within a year. He is now in his early 50's and his child has autism. He was made redundant about 2 years ago and now claims benefits for looking after his child. His life is bringing his child to school, outings, appointments and dealing with the meltdowns. His partner works full time.

My friend meanwhile was unhappy after they broke up but is now glad she did not have a child with him. She is single and childless. She is looking forward to a few holidays. She is making plans to change jobs next year to increase her earnings.

In your situation I would be very clear about the fact that your not going to have another child. I would feel the same in your situation and you now have more money to invest in your pension or could perhaps plan to retire early.

He doesn't get a say, if you don't want to grow another new human in your body- with all of the stress and risk and cost that comes with that- you don't have to. End of.

Exactly. I know two women who never wanted children, I worked with one and I worked with the husband of the other. Both were always very clear it wasn't what they wanted and they could be very anti about young children. One had an early menopause around 40, one needed a hysterectomy at around the same time. One had a fullblown breakdown and was very ill, the other became very bitter that she would never have children. Sometimes we don't recognise what we want until too late.

Both of those women eventually healed with the help of dogs. They got a puppy and it became their baby.

Of course, but that wasn’t what OP was asking.

How is she 45? She says she had her daughter when she was 16 and the daughter is now 23, when I went to school 16 plus 23 made 39. Where have the other six years come from?

"Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea."

Does your DH talk about a possible child in these abstract, intellectual terms? I'm not sure he's really getting the blood, agony, shit, vomit, peril to life, daily anixety, jam in the soft furnishing, tears (both pronunciations), choosing schools, worryying about exams, car seats, holidays only with a playground, piles of toys and housework, all-consuming sticky messy whirlwind that a child wreaks on a household. And the whole of the rest of your life. Does he think a child would be a nice addition to his existing very pleasant existence, or is he longing to throw his current existence (inlcuding a fair chunk of his career) off a cliff to crash irreversibly into fatherhood - which of course means all of the above?

Only the latter is remotely realistic!

My husband was 45 when his second child was born (my 4th) nothing wrong with wanting a child at 45.

honestly, buy him a doll. download a crying sound and for a week show him what its semi like with a baby, make him care for it. make him get up in the night 4 times to a screaming baby and pretend to feed it, make him change the nappy 50 times a day and bath her and feed her a bottler every 1.5 - 2.5 hours of the day.

Then have a few hours in the day where shes not sleeping at all and he has to walk around holding her for hours on end.

He will soon forget 😂

But anyway, even if his desire is realistic, he can't make you want to do it. Though of course, you can't make him want to stay.

Presumably he's been a step father for the last ten years so it won't all be a shock. Arguably taking on being a step parent to a 12 or 13 year old is harder than coping with a baby. My husband was in exactly that position and he's probably too diplomatic to agree but a 12 year old moving into his ordered bachelor life was certainly a shock.

That doesn't mean OP should have a baby she doesn't want.

He’s an only child. So limited.

As the mother of 4 and the grandmother of 8 I'd not get up in the night for a doll but I would for a living breathing child. I don't that experiment would prove much.

People saying its the same for men, are massively missing the point here.Since when did a man have to walk around for 9 months ,with morning sickness. Avoiding certain foods/Alcohol /feeling exhausted and faint?Then have to push a melon out of a tiny space ,and endure the worst pain of their lives in Labour.Her DH is being unreasonable .He cant walk the dog hardly! A less charitable side of me thinks he resents her success, and is a little envious ! Why has he waited till now? If she doesnt want a baby dont have one .At 40ish its a higher risk anyway. Tell him she doesnt want to risk her life ! H has to accept that.

I watched a friend of mine being involved with a man like this and they were both in their early 40's. He ended things with her and got a new younger girlfriend. She was pregnant within a year. He is now in his early 50's and his child has autism. He was made redundant about 2 years ago and now claims benefits for looking after his child. His life is bringing his child to school, outings, appointments and dealing with the meltdowns. His partner works full time.
@Ihadenough22
He wanted to feed his ego, prove to himself that he's still young and still got it.
At least it's him that's paying the price for his folly and the young woman involved is able to invest in herself & her earning potential.
(Hopefully if she has any more children she won't be wanting to use low quality old man sperm to fertilize her youthful eggs)

My husband was the same, only child, no cousins in this country.

I think that is really unpleasant. He's paying the price? Is that what loving and caring for a child with autism is? It is his child not some burden. Parents with children with additional needs are all paying a price? Vile.

I think you're being disingenous here.

It's unlikely that he simply want to reproduce - which, yes, he could probably do for a while yet. It's more likely that he wants to have kid and bring it up and still be alive when it's an adult. Which means, even for men, that there's a biological clock ticking, but based on mortality rather than fertility.

Male age does have a negative impact on fertility and offspring health