My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

Having a child is not a dealbreaker for my husband and never has been.

If my eldest was an adult this would be a definite no for me. If he was serious maybe it should have been a serious conversation 10 years ago. Is he panicking about never being a dad? I’m with someone who doesn’t have children mine are much younger than yours. But I need to think carefully about what I want and not to just want to make someone else happy. Only you can answer this but you need to be happy with your decision.

No, she didn’t "make it very clear she didn’t want a child". She said "I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t fazed about having another child."

Not being fazed about something is not the same as being definitely opposed to it.

❤

Sadly I think this is the most likely outcome if he is yearning for a child and you don’t want another baby. But if you love your life as it is, you have a great career and freedom and a YA DD doing great, then I’m sure you’ll weather the upheaval. It’s better than being resentful and unhappy with a young baby just as your career starts going stratospheric.

I think you absolutely should stick with what feels right to you but also should be very clear to your husband that this is final. It’s only when he really knows there is no hope that he’ll know if it is a dealbreaker for him, and he deserves the chance to move on if it is.

I couldn’t think of anything worse.

But you need to be very clear that it’s an absolute no and your mind isn’t going to change.

There should be no talk of him walking the dog more etc as that makes it sound like there is a possibility of it.
Even starting this thread it’s like you are unsure.

You need to tell him that you are not going to have another baby and you don’t want to discuss it again.
If a baby is what he wants then he needs to end the relationship and find someone else.

He talked about having a DC years ago, when pulled up about not doing much in the house he dropped the whole topic. To me that's not a man whose desperate for a DC, he made no attempts to be better DF material, he's hasn't raised the idea again for 7 years. I really don't believe he's been pining all that time without saying a word.
If he's unhappy he can divorce the Op but I bet he won't.

I can see both sides, he probably hoped you'd eventually agree to having more as you didn't completely shut the door on having more kids.
Have you ever thought deeply about why you don't want more dcs? I'm sure having your first dc at 16 must have been tough and maybe having another would bring back memories of difficult times. Good on you for working so hard to get where you are now. If you don't want any more you are quite within your rights to say no but depending on how strongly he feels - you may have to prepare for the end of your relationship.

I'm the same as you, eldest is at uni and friends are having babies late 30s, early 40s and having babies and I couldn't think of anything worse. He needs to accept how you feel. If he wants a child so badly hel need to leave and find someone on the same page. It's really that simple.

Given that it's your body, your health and your career that will be impacted most, then I'd say you get the deciding vote here. I personally can't imagine anything worse - I'm in my early 50s with grandchildren and I know that I would be a wreck physically and mentally if I had them full time. The very thought of teenagers when you're in your 50s/60s fills me with utter horror.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to not want a baby and it is not unreasonable for him to want one. I know plenty of people who have changed their minds about not wanting children. The problem is it isn't something that you can just compromise on. I suppose ultimately if he wants a child enough then he needs to end your relationship and find someone else. That is sad but not as sad as an unwanted baby or a life of regret because he hasn't followed his heart.

I sympathise, it is a difficult situation.

“ We’re both fine fertility wise.”. You have no way of knowing this. At your ages, fertility is rapidly declining and it’s more likely it won’t happen that it will happen. Risk of miscarriage or a child with disabilities is higher to. You need to consider all this as a first step.

So he is a lazy arse who is financially supported by you who has never pulled his weight even though he wfh?
He now wants a child?

As a woman near 60 who had her last child at 42, help him pack.
I wouldn't entertain him for a second and I would be rethinking the relationship.

Congratulations on your life success and that of your daughter.
Ditch the lazy arse, you deserve so much better.

My OH and I made this agreement too. It hasn't worked out. The children don't agree he's the primary carer. They choose me, constantly. It's me they find in the middle of the night, it's my lap they want to sit on, it's me who is called upon to diffuse arguments. Was never drawn to being a mother, the patience and unconditional love that it takes doesn't come to me naturally. I am constantly overstimulated. I'm having to work at it every single day to be a good mum because it's not the kids fault that our agreement didn't work out as hoped. I've had to have anger management therapy, I've signed up to every class I could find about how to talk to kids and how to accept kids for who they are, I've read the books, listened to the podcasts etc just to keep my head above water. It's not the life I wanted and I wish I'd stuck to my guns about it. There are some wonderful parts to it which I'm thankful for, but you know this, you're a mother already.

If it's not for you, trust your instincts. It's not exactly something you can take back.

Exactly this. And it’s not a deal breaker for him. We’re not unhappy (quite the opposite).

So are you saying if he walked the dog more you'd try to get pregnant even though you don't want a baby? Now that is unreasonable.

I think it's sinking in on him that he doesn't have any DC, probably more in a nostalgic "I won't have offspring gong of to do medicine/walk down the aisle" type of thing.

He's not basing it in the reality of the hard work it takes and there are no guarantees anyway.

I voted YABU, not because you don’t want a child but because it appears for your entire marriage you have kicked the can down the road and not taken the care and attention to address it properly – now the result is two frustrated and resentful people.

When it comes to wanting a child, a conversation consisting of ‘walk the dog and do more chores then’ is not it. You very likely didn’t really want a baby then regardless of what he did around the house and he very likely never really understood that.

Hoping it would either ‘go away’ or ‘materialise’ without processing it together properly was a mistake for both of you. So that processing should now happen you’ve reached a crunch, preferably with a counsellor if your communication isn’t great.

Just has to deal with it or find someone else to have a baby with I guess. Not much more to it.

If I was in your position I wouldn't want a baby either. You've told him from day one your not interested in having more children, he should have left and found some one along time ago, but as your the main earner and sounds like you do a lot for him, he didn't go.

The 11% are the men on this thread.

I agree with @RandomMess .He's had years of doing as he wants, not worrying about money or time, now 40s he suddenly thinks he's missed the boat.

"And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying."

OP if you have not been preventing pregnancy for seven years of a sex life, it seems like that fertility might be more of a question that you think.