My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

Exactly this. It should've been much clearer to him that you absolutely didn't want children. And he should've been much clearer to you that he did.

Assume there’s a lot of money coming in now, particularly if your dd has finished uni so you aren’t supporting her. Can you afford the help that stops you ending up like your contemporaries having dcs in their 40s being so knackered? (Eg cleaner multiple times a week, nanny.)

Would he be a sahd? Would he actually do it or would he expect to still work, use childcare and ultimately you take the bulk of the juggling work?

“It shouldn’t impact you on a day to day level”

are you serious??

I bet one million pounds that he's a shit SAHP if given the chance and you'll end up being the breadwinner, doing most of the housework and most of the childcare.

Just don't. And I saw that as a woman who didn't want a child, DH convinced me and DD is the best person in the world. But DH is incredibly hardworking and a wonderful father. And would have walked the dog 100% of the time!

Maybe marriage counselling to bash to it out without the emotion attached to it? You can outline your reasons and highlight his faults at not being able to look after an animal etc. Then listen to his point of view. You'll know either way then whether it's a marriage breaker or not.

How do you no you are fine fertility wise?

Tell him that if he doesn't stop harassing you the relationship is over. You are not a brood mare.

You'd have had very different answers if the gender roles were reversed here

you can’t just reverse gender roles when it comes to having babies. Men and women have very different experiences in relation to reproduction. There is no equivalence.

Who on earth are the 11% who think YABU?.
Are they the type of woman who thinks that not feeling broody is unnatural?

Of course YANBU. If you don't want another child then you get the final say so. No discussion. End of.

And a massive congratulations on doing so well to you and your DD @dazedandconfuseddaily

But you've been having unprotected sex for 7 years? Is that what "if it happens it happens" means? If not what does it mean?

The reality is the relationship is over anyway.

God no he wouldn’t (nor would I).

Quite @Tandora

Pregnancy and childbirth are dangerous for women, sometimes resulting in life-changing injuries. BFing is really tough and many of the changes are a difficult adjustment. PND is possible.

Plus, with a man who can't walk a dog 50% of the time, you should expect she will be doing massively more than 50% of the work at home, as well as being a WOHM.

You say you were clear from the start but your OP isn’t clear at all. You’ve flip flopped back and forth, had serious conversations and given him hope. It reads as if you’ve only just decided you don’t want children.

Irrespective, you don’t want a child and need to tell him so he can decide whether it’s something he’s happy with or needs to pursue with someone else.

My mum had me late & I always thought she struggled. Now I'm menopausal, I can see why exactly.

Unless you really want a baby, don't do it. You might sail through menopause but again, you might not & DH doesn't sound like he would step up much.

It’s never been unclear to him. We’ve been together 11 years and have known each other 17 at no point has this ever been unclear to him.

Ugh no way would I have another child in my 40s.

I would tell him your answer is no, he's welcome to leave and find someone else to have a child with but he needs to stop pestering you when he knew how you felt piror to marrying!

Tell him you have entertained the idea and then list the reasons why the answer is a resolute no:

He doesn't even do 50% of dog care (and whatever else)
Risk of SN child
You nearly died the first time
Impact on your career

And on and on and on

this

YANBU and your chance of having a DC with SEN is higher the older you are, so you could quite easily go from your lovely, easy life with one grown-up DD and a well-paid responsible job to not being able to work, tied to the house, unable to go on holiday easily, skint and full of resentment for the man who put you in that position. And I bet he wouldn't bloody pull his weight in caring for said DC, since he can't even walk the fucking dogs half the time. If a DC is by no means a deal breaker for your relationship, I'd be making it crystal clear at this point that you're not having one and let him get used to the idea.

And just from your POV, why the hell would you want to have another baby when you did the pregnancy/baby/toddler/14 years of school/school holidays/exams and general childcare shit and have finally sailed out the other side with your life and health intact? You'd be mad to even consider it!

The chance of having multiples is also higher at increased maternal age.

You must be man to claim it wouldn’t impact her, what a ridiculous thing to say. She’s also not responsible for his life choices, she didn’t force him to be 45 and child free. Please do also tell us how you reverse the sexes here? Have I missed the news that men can now get pregnant and give birth and take on all the risks involved, all the recovery?

OP is not coming off badly at all, but you are.

If it's not a dealbreaker for him, is it not an open and shut case of you don't have a baby? Neither me or DH have kids. DH is slightly more open to the idea of having kids, because it's something he always assumed he would do. I know I would be the one expected to stay home and raise them and that isn't what I want, so we don't have them. If he did a 180 overnight and told me he definitely wants them and he's put in place a plan where I'm not taking on all the responsibility for the house and parenting, and I started to see it in action consistently for a while, then I'd be open to having the conversation again.

Anything less than both people in the relationship being fully on board with being parents, on terms which both are happy with, seems quite unfair on the child.

I wouldn’t want a baby in your circumstances either. I don’t think he realises what a massive upheaval it would be, mostly for you of course.

I shouldn't have said "gender roles" when I meant genders.

My point is;

If it was a woman who was being denied the opportunity to have a child here, she'd be getting told to leave the man and have a child. "No man is worth missing out being a mother for! He led you up the garden path then changed his mind! LTB!" en masse.

A lot of posters seem to think it's perfectly reasonable to expect OPs husband to just suck up not having a kid and for things to carry on as they are now in the marriage. I don't think that's fair and I don't think a woman posting on here that her husband had decided he didn't want kids would be generally expected to get over being childless for the rest of her life and plod along in the marriage.

I'm not saying OP should have a child, as of course she will have to carry and give birth (and seemingly do all of the childcare) and that's not fair on her at all when it's not what she wants.