My husband wants a baby, I don’t. AIBU?

[dazedandconfuseddaily]

AIBU. I’ve been with my husband (45) for 11 years, married for 10. I have one DD 23 (I was 16 when I had her) who has just finished Medical school. I’ve worked hard to build my career (board level at large corporate), and love my life, we do what we want when we want. I’ve been clear with my husband from the off that I wasn’t phased about having another child. And he was very much if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, without actively trying. There was a period 7 years ago where he pushed to actively try, to which my response was when I see you walking the dog more and doing more around the house then we can talk about it (he’s worked from home for 10+ years), which sort of paused it for a few years. It’s now come back around again as a subject. We’re both fine fertility wise.

But the thought of dealing with a pregnancy and a newborn at this point in my life is not appealing. I see friends my age who’ve had a baby at 39/40 and they’ve aged 10 years overnight.

Apparently I’m now being unreasonable for not being willing to entertain the idea.

Not that special needs children aren’t lovable but at your age, special needs increases. Lot of work!

I get your perspective, OP. My husband wants a baby, I wasn't really enthusiastic about the idea, but not completely opposed to it. He made promises about how he would be a supportive parent, primary carer, everything I wanted to hear. So I agreed that we would start trying after I got promoted at my job. And then we bought a puppy (we both wanted one) and well... I was the one who's been left worrying, googling problems and symptoms and training the dog, he's shown no initiative. I was the one who pulled all nighters when the dog was so ill he almost died (we were supposed to switch at three am but I couldn't wake him up). I was the one who house trained out dog and was wiping up pee and poo until then. He just sat there, waiting for me to give him detailed instructions about what he was supposed to do. Whenever I tried to speak to him about it, he just didn't understand what I meant, because he was doing everything I told him to do... Which was exactly the point but he just doesn't get it. And let's not even mention his mother...
To summarise, I love my husband, but I do not want to have a baby with him. I would be doing it sorely for him, not for myself, and I would suffer for it. And it was the situation with the dog that opened my eyes to it.

Neither of you trump the other when it comes to having kids, but you have the deciding vote as it's your body and you're not pregnant yet.

You say he would step up to be a Dad, how sure are you? Walking the dog could be different to looking after a child, but being fun Dad isn't everything, the extra housework, regular cooking, cleaning, homework, childcare, the list goes on. These things are even more boring than walking a dog and he's shown he's not prepared to do his fair share of housework.

I'd sit down with him and go through the realities of what being a parent really means and if he 'likes the idea' of being a parent more than the reality (which I think is probably the case)

I had my eldest when very young too, very traumatic birth (although she, not I, nearly died)

My husband and I had the open to the possibility conversation about 5yrs ago and decided to try together. Absolutely works for us, pregnancy was hard but parenting this time is so, so much easier and I’m able to truly enjoy it. It’s made me realise you can’t underestimate the judgement and anxiety of being a young and traumatised mum. I had a LOT of therapy when pregnant!

My husband would now like another (DS is 3). I’ve said no and this won’t change but just like you say, this doesn’t mean we’re heading for a divorce either! It’s an adult conversation and ultimately my body gives me the overriding stance. He loves me, our marriage is strong and it will absolutely be fine our family staying just as it is.

You're not the unreasonable one in this exchange.

The way I read your post was that it was never a serious conversation.

It wasn't something he def wanted at the start and his later change of heart was easily cooled by your request for assistance with the family pet and help around the house, both of which you share already. Still not a serious conversation, in fact, his suggestion couldn't feel more like a whim if he tried. You wouldn't agree to a new puppy under those circumstances, let alone a child.

So now he's asked again only this time, inexplicably thinks he is being "reasonable", so by not agreeing, you are being unreasonable? Ew.

Chaps! Asking someone to have a baby with you is a big request, later in life it becomes enormous. Applying pressure to this "request" firmly crosses a line into a World of Ugly, including you in the spare room.

OP, you know the risks you face, the rollercoaster of pregnancy and what help he is realistically going to provide. You'd be starting over with a newborn and post partum exhaustion adventures with a man who has to be asked to walk a dog and help around the house. It's not unreasonable or selfish to say no and put yourself first now that you've finished raising your daughter. The decision to agree/disagree is yours and crucially, final.

When he raised it seven years ago when you both were much younger, I think you should have taken the discussion more seriously than to just say you need to walk the dog more. You have been through the experience of having a child. Your husband has not. You are not wrong not wanting another but to hold onto your partner will deny him the experience to have his own child in his lifetime. Best to get counselling and if it's a deal breaker for him, prepare to let him go.

I think at the point where he said 'if it happens it happens' you needed to say 'it definitely is not going to happen'

I think vagueness around this allowed for some hope which he's now lost.

I think if he really wants kids he needs to leave you and find someone else, it's too big an issue to compromise on for either of you.

Oh come on - there’s a world of difference between not being fazed at 30 and definitely not wanting a baby at 40 surely? If the OP’s DH really wanted a child he should have been much more vocal about it earlier and not dilly dallied around until he felt ready. And as for Pps suggesting that OP’s DH is in the same boat as women who have ‘wasted their fertile 30s well it’s laughable - he still has plenty of time although it might’be more difficult for him to find someone who will provide him with an enviable life style and a baby. Don’t do this to yourself OP - it will all end in tears - probably yours!

I had my last child at 40. I wouldn't change him for the world but he's severely autistic and it is incredibly stressful. Of course I could have had the same issue if I'd had him 10 years earlier but the risk increases as you get older. Is your DH really prepared for that?
You have never lied to him. You clearly weren't keen to have another child and he agreed to the fact he might not have children.
If it's really important to him then I can't see any solution other than parting ways. Very sad though.

She’s not denying him anything. He’s a grown ass man - at any point he could have actively pursued having a child if that’s what he wanted.

It may very well be the case that he chooses to forego having a child because he would rather not have one than lose OP. It isn’t up to her to ‘let him go’ if he chooses to stay.

I agree with what you’ve said earlier about the reality OP. The truth is, he may decide (this year or in five years time) to leave you and have a baby with someone else.

But it’s also true that you could have a baby with him and he could (as often happens) show that he is actually not up to the task, having had his life just as he wants it for many, many years. He may well look to you to shoulder, not just the financial responsibility, but a load of other stuff to boot - and you might decide you don’t want two children in the house, and leave him. But in that scenario you’re left raising a child all over again alone, with all the financial responsibility plus whatever a divorce has cost you as the high earner. Potentially resenting your child, who you’ll also love, and struggling through all that guilt etc etc.

I guess - saying no could be ultimately be a dealbreaker for your marriage, and if it is you’ll have no control over that. But saying yes could also end up being a dealbreaker. So do what’s right for you and stick to your guns. This shouldn’t be a surprise to him and nothing you’ve said suggests you’re wavering.

(And I say all this as someone who was a single parent and had a second DC later after a big gap. Can you guess whether or not I’d do the same again if I had it to do over…?)

This is easy for me to say as it’ll never be my reality, but I don’t think I could be arsed having another baby after a 23 year gap.

"let him go" is just a saying. If he's a grown ass man and chooses to go, there is little point in posting it here to your point.

If the story is switched and it was the husband already has a child of his own and refusing to have one with OP, then everyone will be saying the husband is a time waster for OP's biological clock. Just be fair to the husband if it's something he really wants to pursue and OP does not want that lifestyle, to accept that may be the end of the relationship.

Your body your choice

DH would have loved a 2nd, i simply did not want to be pregnant again so i had final say and it was a firm no, NO discussion on my end

Told him he could leave if he really wanted another - he didnt leave
Your not denying him, he has a choice too

If the story is switched the same thing would apply - a grown ass woman is capable of prioritising her biological clock herself and pursuing children if that’s what she wants. Man or woman, no one is owed a child, and if you allow your own time to be ‘wasted’ that’s on you.

Your situation is not the same as the OP's. You both have a child. Not having a third is hardly a deal breaker in the same realm of someone who has never even had one.

Neither of you is right or wrong but you have a child and he does not and I know I would be devastated not to have a child.
Perhaps you need to check out your health potential baby wise, since you nearly died last time around, - this might provide a definitive ’no’ anyway and put an end to your angst.
If he’s a bit on the lazy side could you consider a nanny and then both of you continue working? You could decide he has to cover most of the nanny costs for the full childhood duration to ascertain just how committed he really is.
It really depends on whether you’re a firm no or a no because the following needs resolving. It’s only fair to let him know right away though so he can move on if it’s a deal breaker for him.

Can you babysit a friend or relative's baby for a weekend? That will knock any desire right out of him!

I would stick to your guns, reality is men do nothing to help. It’s a lovely idea but it’s like they then get bored and reality dawns on them. You end up getting stuck with 95% of the work and they still don’t take the dog out.

@DysonSphere I agree. My DH had no children when we met (and he was early 40s and I 37) but I already had two sons age 7 and 10 at the time.
We now have a 4 yo daughter together.
However, he is an incredible dad and actually does the majority of the childcare. We both work and I'm also doing my Masters and peri so exhausted but so worth it!! Other kids now 14 and 17 ❤️

It doesnt matter how much your husband talks about wanting a baby, he cant actually have one. What he wants is that you have a baby. He hasn’t demonstrated any of the qualities needed to care for a child, and he wants you to take on the major responsibilities of care whilst also exposing yourself to a career stall or worse. You are not being selfish, he is, and btw he has left it far too late to start daydreaming himself into parenthood, that boat sailed years ago. If he cant cope with a dog, he cant cope with a baby or a toddler, or an infant, or a teenager or a young adult. That should the commitment requirement for the next 22 years of care. You have a pleasant life together and you have met your child care commitments and built your career, In all probability your husband is a semi teenager who plays at being a grown up, Enjoy what you have and don't feel guilty about any of it.

People are being realistic and honest, you just don’t want to hear it.

My husband adores me. Like nothing I could actually explain, I am the centre of his world and all he wants is to make me happy (and he does, as I do him). We have a really, truly happy marriage.

But I don’t delude myself that this means we will always be so. Look at the number of divorced couples - yes lots of them will have been in relationships that had big ups and downs, were toxic, should have never got married etc.

But lots were also blissfully happy once, and then something/things changed. Sometimes overnight, sometimes so slow that it crept in unnoticed until it was too late.

One thing that stands out so brightly in everything you post is you are so adamant about something you actually cannot be adamant about. He has wobbles about whether he wants a child. You’re dismissing it as minor, not marriage ending stuff.

It will be, unless he wakes up one day with a sudden burning desire to be a father that becomes more important to him than being a with you. You do not, and cannot, know that this will never happen.

You can know that that’s how he feels right now, in this moment. You can’t know that he will stay this way forever.

My worry is that you’re so convinced of this being a non issue for him vs his love for you that if it ever becomes this insurmountable urge for him, you’ll be absolutely blindsided because you refuse to see the possibility of it happening.

I don’t think you should have a baby with him, for the record. But I do think you should acknowledge the possibility of future issues.

Perhaps it isn't a question of being reasonable or not?

He is 45: critical age for men. Has he woken up to the fact that he isn't leaving a bit of himself behind for posterity?

If that is what he wants, is it possible he has found a mate to have just that for/with him?

It is a very serious thing to consider, not to be undertaken lightly. On the one hand he wants to reproduce himself, on the other, you want a secure future, and who can blame you? He probably would expect you to do all the work. Has he considered the effect on your pension? or his? They usually don't once the picture of a little him is in his mind.

Have you got a good pension pot which will have to go further if you have another child? Nothing wrong in that. In fact, a very good reason not to. The child would be leaving Uni by the time you retire, with all the student loans to repay, a job to find, dg when you want a quiet life.

I'm not sure why you're being aggressive about this now. You said you told your husband that if having a child was a "must" for him then your relationship wouldn't work, and now he's said you're unreasonable for refusing to entertain having a child. People are just pointing out that this might be a sign that his laissez-faire attitude might have changed/be changing as he's getting older and he could start to feel more strongly about it than he's previously indicated.

As for your comments about people who mention divorce taking a "long walk off a short plank," people who have marriage counselling as being "half way there" (to divorce) and that you'd never do it, and keeping talking about love/marriage being unconditional - none of it shows that your marriage is any stronger than any other to be honest, it just suggests a head in the sand attitude.

Spousal love is not (or should not be) unconditional at all, and I've read dozens of mumsnet threads that go "I can't believe this has happened, we were so happy, he always said he loved me 100% unconditionally and divorce was never an option..." etc. Not saying it's going to happen to you necessarily, just that you're being quite rude to people who have had counselling and/or a divorce and you can never know 100% that it won't be you!

I'm not sure what your question is as it sounds like you and DH have communicated clearly about this?

Your life sounds fab by the way. How wonderful to have accomplished so much, be content, and have clarity on what you want.

What role does he play in your DD's life? As I get older I'm coming very much round to the idea that life offers us what we want and need, but not always in the package we expect. So it's easy to miss if you're not being open to it. I wonder if he'd enjoy taking a role of (step) grandparent if and when that time comes for DD, or if he could look for other ways to build close cross-generational relationships? There are so many people in the world who could do with another person caring about them.

I have a childless aunt and uncle who have taken on parent-like roles for many people through their volunteer work, their spare rooms are permanently ready for their frequent visitors and they seem closer to these 'godchildren' than many parent-child relationships I know (and closer than they are to me, though I think we have a standard niece-aunt/uncle relationship). DP and I don't have siblings and had a period of feeling we were missing out as our friends were loving being aunts/uncles, but I'm now focused on being there to support my friends' DC even if they also have biological aunts.

I'm sure someone will tell me this is totally different from being a parent and that's probably true, but I think for some people (only some people, sometimes!), it's easy to think 'I want a child' when what they mean is 'I want someone to need me' or 'I want to feel my life has a purpose'. I wonder if your DH feels this, especially if he's at all traditional and feels a lack of something if you're the 'breadwinner' and have an independent personality. Those are valid wants but scary to own up to, the good side is there are many routes to meeting those needs which may suit your DH better than 24/7 parenting.

That's become an essay but I thought it could be a helpful perspective!

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