Husband brought colleague home overnight

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My husband started a new job this year where he works night shift at a hospital. He normally comes home when I'm already deeply asleep. This morning he informed me that one of his colleagues was asleep on the sofa. Apparently she couldn't find her house keys and he offered she'd stay with us. I'm not super happy with that because 1) I have never met her, 2) we have small children and I don't feel comfortable having a complete stranger in my house, especially while I'm asleep. AIBU to think she should have tried staying with friends/family or called a locksmith? My husband said she has extremely bad mental health issues and he was concerned for her, which I do empathise with. She's still asleep on our sofa now...

I wish more people would go for clean breaks and changed locks and would not foist their problems on friends of friends. No need for this drama, not a life-and-death situation. Your ex was not beating or threatening you - then I agree it would have been different - I am all for providing shelter for the night to people who are in danger, no 'buts' and 'ifs' about it.

You can't change locks if that person has a right to live in the home.
I'm glad my friends don't share your POV.

I would see this as a chance to make a friend and it sounds like she could really do with a friend right now.

I would absolutely hate a stranger in my home, especially with my kids!

But he did what he thought was best in the moment.

Don’t be angry or upset over him trying to do a good deed.

Just ask that in future he books them a hotel and makes sure they arrive there safely.

I think it's a bit odd to offer a colleague a sofa for the night. It's the kind of thing you offer a friend and having only been in the job a year, I can't imagine developing that close a friendship.

I am also conscious I have really different boundaries around work relationships than others though. I have quite a strict definition of a "friend" as opposed to a colleague with whom I am friendly. I have worked with some people for years and love their company and would NEVER invite them to my home!

So it sounds like this is a difference in boundaries around friendship and work and/or friendship and home life. Your DH has more of an "open door" policy and you are not. That is fine and now you know you can talk about it.

Does he have a tendency to be a bit of a saver/saviour? If you have different values/boundaries on this, it can cause real tension.

I agree

I'd prefer this scenario to him staying out for hours 'helping her wait for the lock smith'

I hate people staying over when I haven't had a heads up, but I'd be proud of my husband in this scenario.

Also, I'd get him to make me a cup of tea and bring it upstairs, before going to wake her up.

I wouldn't have been thrilled but I would do the same for some of my colleagues because it would feel like the right thing to do. I actually offered my spare room to one one night after work because of road closures once. It ended up not being necessary and it was only the spare room because at the time we had one otherwise it would have been the sofa.

If someone did the same for me I would accept if I was desperate and be very grateful.

I'd be furious that he brought somebody with "really bad" mental health issues into our home where our young children were! Also what if one of them or OP woke up after DH had gone to sleep and went downstairs for a drink?

If the colleague is able to work I assume she would not be a risk to other people. I'd also trust my partner to make that call

Given all the man hating that goes on here on MN when a man does a good, decent thing that fact we have a negative post about it just…🤪

Mixed on this one. As she's a friend/colleague of DH, I would trust his judgement.

Also, well done to him not leaving her alone.

But on the other hand... if this was a man and not a woman, no I wouldn't be happy..especially with kids in the house and they woke up and went down stairs.

Double standard I know, but statistically a man is more of a risk to children than a woman....

Sounds as if it was a nice thing for him to do - though obvs. you wouldn’t want it on a regular basis!

My dh once phoned me from Heathrow after a business flight back, to tell me he was bringing an elderly Egyptian woman home to stay the night! Apparently the plane had been late so she’d missed her connecting flight to relatives in Canada, and had very little cash or means to pay for anything.

She made herself at home straight away - asked what was for dinner, didn’t fancy it, so came with me to Asda for something she liked! Zero hint of embarrassment.
It was pretty obvious though that she wasn’t at all well off.
I drove her back to Heathrow for her flight the next day - she was very effusive in her thanks and pouring the blessings of Allah on me and dh.

I’m v glad dh didn’t make this a regular thing, though!

It could be a one off but there’s a chance that it isn’t.

In an emergency, with a woman who you have said has extremely poor mental health, your husband had to rescue the situation. The problem is this woman might start to use your husband as a crutch for whatever problems she needs help with.

Ive seen it myself with a friend of mine and her husband. Phone-calls at odd hours, effectively becoming an emergency contact in a crisis, covering for her at work, being the shoulder to cry on. My friend, while very sympathetic, had to put her foot down, it was starting to affect their family life.

If it’s a one off fine, but make sure your husband isn’t being put into a position of having to provide this type of care in the future.

I also think this.

Thanks for the range of viewpoints! I'd say my husband is generally a poor judge of character, which he admits himself. He also has a big drive to rescue/save people. At a previous workplace years ago, he got very close with a single mum who was struggling with money. I really felt for her, just how I feel for this woman now (her MH issues sound more extreme than 'just' anxiety/depression). But her dependency on my husband got more and more extreme and he was struggling to set appropriate boundaries. I think I worry that he set himself up for a repeat scenario and that it's not a one off.

You're in a committed relationship with a man who is kind and compassionate to others. This is a good thing!

If I were her employer, I would want to know about this as part of duty of care. It's one thing losing house keys but exhaustion and bad mental health whilst working in a hospital can be a risk to others.

Op I think it was a spontaneous kind gesture. Of course people with MH issues still work (as questioned up thread) and Jesus
yes people lose their keys…all the time. I’m a sound sleeper so I would not expect a wake up ask/rell. Surely you wouldn’t say no at midnight when they arrived so he made the best decision at the time. After she is gone support his decision affirm his empathy and revisit your marital boundaries…that’s a one off DH because surely losing her keys is a one off…
yes be vigilant about the savior syndrome and her just as you will always be vigilant about any female in the environment who seems overly needy or interested in your husband but not everyone is predatory and some people just don’t have a well organized life or a line up of family and friends to rely on. “The kindness of strangers”.

2) we have small children and I don't feel comfortable having a complete stranger in my house, especially while I'm asleep.

Get a grip. She works in a hospital and will have undergone a DBS check.

You need a family boundary that you have to be told before someone is invited. You agree with your DH whether he wakes you or says no after a cut off time.

Your history makes your response understandable. You're allowed you-specific agreements/boundaries in your own home that take account of this.

No need to be so aggressive. The op has explained their personal back story that is relevant.

People who were not protected understandably want to protect their own children. It is hard to find that balance when someone grew up in fear.

A little empathy goes a long way.

Edited to add: it is naive to assume a DBS makes everything ok. Most people are safe, but a DBS is not a guarantee. The DH's impression of his colleague is more useful.

I'd think he did the right thing in the circumstances but considering it was only 11 he could have given you a heads up.
Its the kind of thing my parents would do, taking care of people in momentary need, so would feel right to me.

Bit different from what happened at my house this weekend - bloke who is a stranger to us (but is a friend of our neighbour's, came round to look at my partner's music room set up in the basement and ended up staying all night, because my partner was too politely to tell him directly to leave and just tried hinting instead, which doesn't work with someone that drunk. I was asleep, otherwise I'd have told him to leave quite clearly! Instead woke up yesterday morning, came downstairs and found him getting a cup of coffee. They did stay awake all night though, so he wasn't unsupervised as such.

Wow I can’t believe some of these replies!
i’d be proud of my DH if he did this - tbh even if she hadn’t lost her keys and was just struggling and didn’t want to go back to an empty home.

if it was any of you would you have been happy if your colleague had said “oh well see you I’m going home”?

would you not hope that if you had a DD and she was locked out at 11pm on a Saturday that a trusted person offered her a place to stay?!

nice example to set to the kids too of being kind and helpful

Yes she’s probably overstaying her welcome a bit but she’s probably exhausted if she’s been struggling and didn’t think to set an alarm. She’s hardly lounging about with a coffee.