To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

Sounds to me like you overreacted, big time.

This.

I would have done the same. My DC are slightly younger and I would have gone mad.

We all like to think we’d be calmer with hindsight but in reality you must have been so angry, worried and frightened. Not to mention being responsible for someone else’s child.

I think you overreacted too. I get you have to do the angry Mum thing so they don't do it again but I don't think you were OK to really be that angry. It sounds like they were really near and you could see them.

No you didn’t. I’d be fuming too. They’re 13, no way they should be leaving the house without permission at night time. As you’ve said, it’s a risk to them and they’ve left your house secure. You’re going to have to tell the other parent aswell.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences

He's 13. He's had his phone taken away, his sleep over has turned into a disaster & he's had a rollicking. It was stupid and he sees that now. Isn't that sufficient. He doesn't need further punishment. He didn't act out of badness.

At most I'd speak to him calmly tomorrow & just reiterate he can't leave the house like that and let it go

No, I couldn't. I opened an upstairs window to look out to see if they were lurking near by and didn't see them, but I think they heard the window open. So they came back. I was just about to call them as they reappeared.

I have subsequently said to boht boys that frankly, I was just scared when I woke up and they weren't there and I'm sorry I was so angry. But the calmer I get the more I feel that even if I shouldn't have been livid, actually, their behaviour is totally unacceptable.

I think I'd have been angry too, the fact they went out the window instead of the front door shows deceit.

yes, DS told me they did that as they thought the front door opening would wake me up.

Deceit? Seriously? This sounds like such an innocent thing, little boys exploring and sitting on a footbridge.

To be clear, they were out on the road. I mentioned the footbridge because they weren't wandering around for miles which would have been especially bad, but at the same time, they weren't on some cute little country path. Anyone coming home late from a night out would have walked/driven past them.

There's a front door

I think you've been too shouty and angry.

Also you need to give the phone back to the other child, that's not appropriate.

I wouldn't be happy to hear another parent had displayed disproportionate anger in front of/towards my child AND removed their phone.
You've totally overreacted and it's going to set a precedent whereby your teenage son can't be open with you.

Agree with AgathaMystery. DS and his friend climbed out of an upstairs window and got seen by a neighbour through their skylight. Neighbour thought they were burglars, and called police who gave them a thorough talking-to. I hadn’t heard a thing. My blood ran cold at the thought of what might have happened.

A boy in our town about that age decided to walk home from a sleepover at 2am. Found murdered the next morning. Some random perv out looking for a vulnerable target.

Sit them down calmly in the morning and discuss dangers to themselves and your household by this behaviour.

And if I were DS's friend, I wouldn't want to come round again and risk getting screamed at by OP.

They did wrong. You shouldn't have shouted though. What does it achieve? Taking someone else's phone off them?? Give it back.

No they shouldn't have done it. Yes they need telling. Your son's friends are probably not going to want to come around again, rumours spread.

Also, if my DC had done this at a sleepover I’d be absolutely fine with their phone being removed by the parent.

My DC don’t have devices but when we trust other adults with our children’s safety and welfare that means measured sanctions for behaviour too.

Yeah, actually, i was uncomfortable with that too - I took it away purely so that they would go to bed. But I realised that wasn't actually helpful so i took the phones back to both of them and explained why I'd taken it but that I didn't think that was right so I was giving it back.

I wouldn’t be happy if my child had done this at a sleepover and the host parent wasn’t annoyed by it.

So your kids don't have phones but you'd be fine for a friend's parent to take the phones they don't have?

But what is the purpose of removing the phone? It wasn't being misused. Removing his way to contact his parents is not ok IMO.

This doesn't feel like a risk to me. If the boys don't want to come over because I have shouted, then so be it. Fewer opportunities for me to worry that they're doing something incredibly stupid on my watch. And there's a history of this friend and DS together doing stupid things.

It's not like it's 11 o clock at night either. Of course op is worried and cross at this hour with ds that are

*that age