To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

I can see that you would have been initially frightened by the open window/missing boys. But it sounds like you located them very quickly/ they heard you because they were so close to the house.
In terms of risk I think your house was much more likely to have been burgled than the boys were likely to come to harm. They were close to home, and together. In short, there are far far more dangerous things kids can do. So be angry that they've broken basic rules and left your home exposed. But save livid for the really stupid things they will do when they're a bit older.

No never. For what purpose?

My god some are so sanctimonious on this thread 🙄

There were worse. My friend’s daughter did the same but about £350. Incidences even made the news and articles. He’s 21 now.

I’ve just seen an old article from 2013 where a bill of £3,200 was wracked up by kids playing on an iPhone. I’m pretty sure laws/rules have been put in place now as you don’t hear about it as much.

Just also seen Apple had to pay out $100 million in compensation to parents 😯

On the one hand yes I’d be annoyed and would tell them off. They need to know it was stupid and thoughtless.

on the other hand I remember doing similar things at that age. At about 13/14 when at a friends sleepover, we snuck out and went swimming in the sea! Shockingly stupid in hindsight but exciting at the time.

it’s not unusual for teens to do these things so I wouldn’t go completely crazy for them doing a normal thing, but I wouldn’t let it go completely either.

What did your parents do when they found out.

When people talk about being ‘shouted at’ it can be anything from using a stern ‘angry’ voice, to balling, and everything in between. It doesn’t always literally mean shouting at the top of your lungs.

The girls parents said that it wasn’t fair to put them in that position as they were responsible for us.

My dad rolled his eyes and told me it was a stupid thing to do, from what I remember (30 years ago!)

I didn't say that I would want this behaviour or that there wouldn't be consequences. I just said that it's pretty normal teenage behaviour and my anger would have been feigned as I dealt with the situation. The OP is livid. That's a response that seems bizarre to me given that this is standard teenage behaviour. It's part of being a teen to challenge boundaries.

Now and again, I think most parents would ‘shout’ due to fear eg child runs into road and a car is coming, goes missing at 2am ( plus other potentially dangerous situations) . Shouting due to being angry/ livid feels a bit more like a parent losing control. Without actually being there, it’s difficult to say whether op’s reaction was a step too far or not.

I can't criticise as my own kid did the same thing as a teenager. It hadn't occurred to me to tell them to stay put all night as I didn't dream that they'd be so silly as to go wandering around the estate.

What was I thinking? They were kids, at that age where they're mobile enough to get out of the house but too immature to think through the consequences.

It's like when a toddler is suddenly able to sneak out unseen and be nearly killed on the road. Many parents have had a fright like that.

The solution at that age is to keep the doors securely closed, but you can't do that to 13 year-olds. They have to learn about the danger and the worry they'll cause.

OP had every right to go ballistic and with any luck this will encourage DS to make less risky friendships.

Your comment is funny 🤣 Oh my goodness, god forbid a parent feels like they've lost control because she's walked into a room and can't find her child and the child she is responsible for. How dare she actually care

What are you talking about?

A very big loud shout works wonders in my home now and again when the occasion requires it. If my kids sneaked out of their window at 3am and went wandering they’d be getting the big shouty mammy on their return. What good does it do? It shows them their actions were BANG out of order. That I care enough to come down on them like a TON OF BLOODY BRICKS. That it’s not okay. That I am FURIOUS with them. Works a treat for me. Wouldn’t shout for no reason and they know that. So what if my shouting makes them cry. I’d rather make them cry in the safety of their own home for totally over stepping the mark then they end up completely off the rails because they kept getting away with whatever they wanted. Ultimately it’s my way of saying this is bad, and dangerous. They know I love them unconditionally. But often a shout is very much called for. Infact it’s instinctive - it’s our primal parent brain giving a big loud warning sound to our offspring that their behaviour is wrong and dangerous. Just my opinion. Works for me. Seen other parents take the soft approach and their kids grow up with no respect for adults - not because the adults shouted at them, but because there was never any real fear of consequences.

I once caught my 5 year old daughter dancing on a windowsill of an upstairs room. With the window wide open. She could have fallen out that window at any point and been killed or paralysed. I did stay calm then as if I’d shouted she may have fallen. I was paralysed with fear. I smiled at her, said ‘hop down from there please’. She got down. Then I shouted my head off! She’s never done it again. Sometimes a shout is totally needed and it’s not always a sign you’ve ’lost control’

@KaleQueen the implication is I have taken the soft route in discipline.
I have and I haven't over the years.
Shouting at a child with ASD is a pointless exercise, so absolutely didn't go there with that one.
Shouted at other one once when her 'crime' absolutely bloody deserved it.
They have grown up into respectful adults who know how to behave/act and both hold down good jobs.

Would I have done things differently over the years? 🤔
Probably not, I am just not a shout person. Probably because my mum was a shouter and we were like 🙄 here she goes again. Absolutely lost any impact she might have gained by being so bloody shout. I vowed not to parent my children that way.

I wasn’t implying anything specific about your parenting, sorry if you’ve taken it that way. You said the OP had over reacted. I am saying my view is that she hasn’t.

I remember my mum telling me (on several occasions so I think she never forgot it) she walked in the room to find me on the windowsill of an open window. I was of crawling age. She was terrified and definitely not a moment to shout (I was too young anyway). There’s a time and a place for a justified shout and that definitely wasn’t one of them. Glad your dd was ok (and that I was too 😁).

None of those things happened though, so your comment is irrelevant. 😚

None of those things happened though, so your comment is irrelevant. 😚

By that logic, anything goes as long as nothing bad happens.

People, it's spelt bawl in this context not ball. Ball as a verb is a slang term for having sex.

.

Or something you throw 😂
or go to in fancy clothes ❤️

Those are nouns.

Yeah I’ve just realised that. I’m dumb af.

No you're not. I liked your happy associations with going to a ball in fancy clothes.