To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

It is normal teenage silliness, I did similar at 12 and yes, my mum went bat shit, because sometimes that’s just what mums do. However it’s early hours and you were in panic mode. Talk to them tomorrow, tell them you’re sorry for getting so angry and explain your POV. Cut yourself some slack because you’re sleep deprived and hopped up on adrenaline.

It’s not like she took the phone, searched through it and told him he couldn’t call his parents. She’s taken them away for them to make them go to bed. Just explain to the parent what happened in the morning. Most will understand.

Yes 😁

My DC are turning 13 in a few months time, still a few years off being able to have a phone. If they need to contact me on a sleepover, they just ask the parents if they can ring me.

I don’t care about smartphones if I’m honest, but I feel for the OP. Imagine having someone else’s child in your home and realising both they and your own DC are gone. Nightmarish.

You seem to think it's ok to be so shouty?

Parents who don't shout don't care less, they just keep their cool when dealing with things.

I don’t blame you and think your reaction will make them think twice about doing it again. How do they think you would have explained it to the other parents if anything had happened to them?

@GerbilsForever24 And there's a history of this friend and DS together doing stupid things.

There's a history of little boys doing stupid things that goes back centuries. Screaming at them isn't going to stop it. This was a minor incident; be proportionate in your response, not scream blue murder.

What exactly do you think I should have done? Just spoken "calmly" to them? Do you think that would have made them understand the severity of the situation?

To be honest, this thread is actually making me more confident that I was right to be angry. So many excuses for them doing something incredibly stupid and risky. And it's not like I was screaming and shouting and swearing. I was cross, and they knew it, but I wasn't screaming like a fishwife.

I think YABU and have overreacted op - BUT I totally understand why, given the shock/worry. Largely though, I think it's normal teenage silliness. They're together, wanting to do something daring, probably egging each other on.

When my eldest dc were 14 and 12, 14 year old had a sleepover with 5 friends. 12 year old was allowed to join them.

You know those alcohol shots you can get in plastic shot cups, with a film lid? We had about 40 of those in a cupboard, novelty sour shots left over from a NYE party that we'd forgotten about...35%vol.

We came down in the morning to find all the kids sleeping soundly and ALL of these (empty) shot glasses scattered bloody everywhere. Turned out that it was ds2 who was the ringleader, had found them and handed them out (wanting to show off to the older boys I suspect, fairly out of character for him).

Not only that but the kitchen window was open and there were several shoe prints in mud/dust on the sill. They'd all drunk 5/6 shots each then gone out in the early hours, walked around for about half an hour then came home.

I was very angry at the time at the thought of what could have happened (dh calmed me down!). We had very indepth discussions afterwards about how there was no alcohol on sleepovers, certainly not stolen alcohol and no leaving the house. We do chuckle about it now though, a couple of years later - little fuckers!

People can be stern without shouting their heads off.

You know you overreacted, because you've already apologised for shouting and given the phones back.

It isn't that what they did was fine, it's whether your response was helpful.

If shouting is your method of control you may have a problem during the teen years.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that I don’t think you’ve done anything unreasonable. They obviously didn’t understand the impact or possible dangers of what they were doing and now they do.

yeh ok, maybe you could’ve shouted less, or not taken their phones … but be kind to yourself… You’re clearly a very responsible and caring parent - of course you’re going to be scared and react emotionally- you’re a mum who has the extra responsibility of looking after someone else’s kid too. Just don’t carry it on now, let it go and move on xxx

It isn't that what they did was fine, it's whether your response was helpful.

To be clear, I wasn't actually asking about whether or not my shouting was appropriate/inappropriate. I don't think my shouting was inappropriate as such, but as has been pointed out, I did feel bad that I had been so angry and have explained that to them.

My question really was whether or not their behaviour was totally unacceptabel or more in line with DS not emptying the dishwasher.

I've come to the conclusion that my overall shouting was okay as it wasn't extreme end, but at the same time, I'm glad when I was calmer I've been a bit calmer to them and more calmly explained why I was so upset. Taking the phone was NOT okay, and I've fixed that already (and did so pretty quickly after it all went down.

But overall, feeling that their behaviour was 100% out of line is fine. becuase the beheaviour really wasn't okay and while it might be normal teenage silliness, that doesn't mean that it should be let go.

I'm now going to try and get some sleep!

Lol my friends and I all got treated equally by our mums.
After all, we all participated equally in the mischief.
Sometimes they laughed it off and sometimes they were furious, but it was an unspoken agreement by all our mums that what was good for one of us was good for all of us.

We didn’t get the strop for god’s sake. And neither did these boys.

My question really was whether or not their behaviour was totally unacceptabel or more in line with DS not emptying the dishwasher.

Clearly not like not emptying the dishwasher.

But feeling frightened and therefore angry doesn't mean shouting is the best way to respond. That's what people are trying to express - there are better ways to deal with things than just shouting. It is hard when you're scared.

I would be very angry too

so what you shouted in the moment as you were angry and worried, they will get over it and your ds is upset because he knows he has disappointed you

I would be annoyed too if my ds was the boy staying for messing you about

Ultimately they are fine and yes it’s silly teenage behaviour but it’s still wrong what they did

It's a very rare occasion that I raise my voice, but I would have yelled as well OP. They need to be left with absolutely no doubt that their behaviour was unacceptable. It's not going to scar them for life and they'll rethink next time.

You earlier suggested "stern" without shouting. Honestly, I am not even sure what that means. I was cross. they know I was cross. I told them why their behaviour was unacceptable. I sent them to bed and told them we'd discuss it in the morning.

I think there is a bit of a misunderstanding because my original question was whether I had the right to be livid.

And actually, while I agree that totally losing it is not helpful, I did not do that here. But I was very very angry, for good reason and I expressed that in no uncertain terms. And the more I think about it, the more I think i was right to be angry.

And I do actually think that children seeing their parents angry is okay.

It must have been scary, but your reaction was about you - you were scared, you were worried what people would think. I can see it would be worrying as you were also responsible for dss friend. But it does sound like you over reacted. The trouble with that is now you are having to apologise, which negates telling them off in the first place.

It's done now, they are home safe. I would be reassuring your ds now if he's still crying. All try and get some sleep.

I remember doing this at 12-13 age range. We sat on some swings, walked around our sedate neighborhood and came back home. I think one time we walked to an all night petrol station and bought some junk food.

im in my 50s and I have no idea if the parents were aware of our antics. It’s not something we ever did from my parents house because it wasn’t the type of house where kids hung out or ever thought about misbehaving.

i don’t know how I would have reacted if dd had done this. I know she didn’t because covid meant she didn’t get this phase of childhood. That may be clouding my view a bit towards the harmless right of passage interpretation. I’m in many ways a very conservative parent so that really isn’t on brand for me.

I think this might be one of those times where you can admit to your child that the intensity of your reaction isn’t necessarily because what he did was risky. The reality is that in many neighborhoods it is extremely low risk. It’s that for a parent to find children missing in the night is terrifying.

I am totally in agreement with this. And if I see the other boy’s parent so would also support your response. It’s one thing being responsible for your own kid doing daft things, but if something had happened you would have had to explain to the other parent. So the boys knowing your boy stare firmly set is good.

sometimes more than a calm explanation is needed.

According to Mumsnet nobody should ever raise their voice at any family member and if they do the family member will be traumatised for life.

I reassured him in the moment, of course! I'm not a monster. When he came in, I accepted his apology. I reiterated that I had been scared and that him and his friend had been incredibly thoughtless. And also that I was angry because he knows 100% that going out like that is against the rules. I gave him a hug and reassured him I loved him and that I knew they hadn't done it because they were doing something "bad" but rather had just been thoughtless.

Right, I really am going to bed now. Am exhausted!

If they were put trying to ram raid an off licence I would have come down like a,tonne of bricks

This good grief are you this controlling always?

Some of us just rarely shout.

So worrying about the welfare of your 13 year old child and friend out on the streets after midnight is controlling? Riiiight!