To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

You were absolutely right to be scared, livid, angry, furious etc etc.

To wake up and find not only your son missing but also another child. Your reaction was proportionate. No way would I have taken the phones back in. They would have stayed with me until the morning.

I would also tell the other parents. So they can follow up.

I do think it requires consequences. Being shouted at isn't a consequence.

You earlier suggested "stern" without shouting. Honestly, I am not even sure what that means.

Basically what the most effective teachers do. Kids know the ones who shout have lost control. Shouting isn't effective, especially with older teens. Usually, it's a way for parents to vent their emotions - cathartic but not helpful.

If you did want to understand 'stern but not shouting' there are plenty of resources. The fact you don't know what that means is surprising.

It is hard when they do something scary, of course.

Not wanting 2 13 year old out on their own at 2 o'clock in the morning is "controlling" ???!!! Are you on glue @Edingril ???

If shouting worked it'd be a recommended parenting technique.

I'd have gone batshit at them, too. That is totally unacceptable behaviour.

They did wrong, appropriate to be cross and use a firm voice but shouting isn't helpful and removing the other kids phone was very wrong. I'm glad you have his phone back.

Sounds like you've calmed down though and talked with them more sensibly so I'd leave it there and then have another chat with DS about safety on his own tomorrow

@bergbergamotorange personally, I don't condone the sort of out of control shouting sometimes seen, but in my experience, parents who never raise their voice and think a stern talking to is sufficient, are often the ones with children who know they can get away with anything.

Teachers are also different. I have a friend who is a head teacher and she often laments that she can silence 500 children in an assembly with a single look but is routinely ignored by her own children! 🤣🤣

13 year olds shouldn't be out at 2am. And especially not if no one knows where they are.

There are a great many shouty parents with out of control kids.

If shouting worked, it would be recommended. It is not recommended anywhere.

Of course 13yos should not be out at 2am, that is not up for debate.

And of course teaching is a different context. I was just explaining the voice - you can be stern without shouting.

You had a right to be livid, as what the boys did was wrong. Yes, teenagers boys rarely think about their actions, but that doesn’t excuse their behaviour.
Raising your voice at them will not scar them for life, but hopefully they will think twice before doing something like that again.
Mumsnet is full of perfect parents with perfect children who are always talked to in a calm and nurturing way. Real parenting is not always like that.

You did fine. The boys were way out of order, you let them know that very clearly. They've learnt a lesson or two, might teach them to think through the consequences of their actions and respect other people. They're growing up, you made it clear that they cannot disrespect boundaries. Get some rest, you deserve it.

You overreacted EXCEPT about the window being left open. But nipping out in the night to sit on a footbridge is youthful stuff, bless them.

This has got to be a joke. Not allowing your 13 year old to secretly leave the house at 2am is controlling? Fuck me. It's the most basic parenting. Do yours just drag themselves up?

Honestly, I would be furious and so scared- they got as far as the footbridge before you woke up, what if you hadn’t woke up?

There's some absolutely bonkers stuff on this thread. Being an all round shouty parent is crap and I think almost everyone would agree that it's better to talk with your kids calmly to resolve things. However in this case it was the middle of the night, the boys left the house secretly, gave OP a fright and put themselves at risk and they got a bollocking for it 🤷 Entirely normal and appropriate. And if I was criticised by the other child's parent for that response then I'd be happy not to host their offspring again.

I would have hit the roof too. God forbid something had happened them. Now you’re facing into telling the friends parents etc. I’d be furious like you

I would have absolutely bollocked them. And made them cry.

I completely agree with this. I think what your son did IS in line with normal young teen silliness - I think your reaction sounds proportionate.

If my child had done this at someone else's house you would have had my full backing in telling them off. I would have given them more of the same when they got home and expected them to apologise to you.

I probably wouldn't carry it on beyond that though but there would absolutely be clear and more long ranging consequences if they ever did it again.

What? They're 13 and sneaking out the house at 2am. You are not over reacting.

This in spades!
Hypothetically if my child ever did that at your house, I would be happy with how you responded.

I think your initial reaction and actions were fine. There are a lot of very understanding Mums out there who would be happy about their kids leaving the house via a window at 13- that surprises me. Maybe that's why so many feral kids terrorise their neighbourhoods.

Chill! In 2 years time, according to the Daily Mail, you will be sending him off inter-railing around Europe with his pal. We should all (according to the DM) remember the times children fought in wars for the UK at 14 and worked down the pits at 7 and stop being so restrictive.
DS1 (9) is starting work at Sainsbury's on Monday collecting trollies in the carpark. 5 x 12 hour shifts a week.

I don't see how waiting till the next to say calmly might not be best to do next time means you give them a sticker on a reward chart because they did smash and grab at Gregg's

this. You should have called his mum.

I agree.

No, you haven't over-reacted. It's just that some parents now seem have very little expectation that their children will listen to a word they say or follow the rules they set so their bar for behaviour is on the floor.

Also agree that now you are calmer, it's a good idea to have had a further conversation about why these rules are in place, calmly thought through consequences for this incident and what he can expect from any future incidents.

I think also worth having a follow-up conversation about coming to you if he ever finds himself in a difficult or uncomfortable situation in future when he thinks he's done something you'd be angry about (peer pressure or otherwise) to keep the lines of communicating and support open and encourage difficult honesty. My mum always used to say to me that she couldn't promise she wouldn't be cross but that she would always, always be on my side in the sense of helping me solve it when I was worried or scared and didn't know how to solve it myself and save the cross part for later. Because she loved me more than anything and her overriding priority in every situation was my well-being.

It really helped me as a teenager to know I had a strong, unswerving supporter who I actually believed could solve anything (not least because she wasn't a wet lettuce afraid to parent her child) and held on to that realistic promise that although she would feel normal human emotion if i admitted of some something I knew i shouldn't, she would always put it aside if I needed her help until it was solved. She knew her role was both to support me and guide me and I had no doubt whatsoever that everything, including any worry and anger was from a place of love.

I respect that stance, and think it worked well, and will replicate it with my own children.