To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

They're teenagers, it was a summer night and they sneaked outside to look at the stars or whatever. It's not the crime of the century. Hasn't everyone done that? I know I did. Maybe it's a rural thing.

They didn't share a bottle of vodka, pinch your car and go joy riding, scrump anyone's apples or head off into town.

I understand the worry & irritation if this was the first time, and given that you were caring for someone else's child. But they're teenagers, they're going to do all sorts of daft things for the next few years.

Maybe you over- reacted a bit. Stick it down to experience and make them a decent breakfast.

His adhd would have played a large part in this.

At that age, as someone with adhd i wouldn't have thought about the risks of something like this either - just about how daring and fun it is to sneak out and sit in the dark a few meters away from the house. I expect he thought he was being thoughtful not using the front door.

His brain works differently. I don't think you overreacted but i also think he's had enough punishment and he's said sorry. 13 isn't a little boy, nothing happened - you can't punish him ad infinitum for things that might have happened. Especially when it's very strongly related to his disability.

Would you be happy to hear that your child had sneaked out during the night while at a sleepover though?

My mum was really chilled and even she'd have gone mental if we'd snuck out the house in the middle of the night. I think you were right.

People forget that the element of being scared for them adds into it.

I'd have been furious with them too!

He thought he was being thoughtful not using the front door? I highly doubt it.

If you’d posted a “what larks! Just found DS and friend in a footbridge as they sneaked out a window at 2am, the little scamps!”

You’d have had poster, after poster telling you what an irresponsible parent you are and how they needed to be punished until they were 18. Some people on here are just ridiculously contrary to anyone who posts.

I’d have been bloody furious too. I rarely shout and normally do the calm discussion about consequences, but I’m sure I would have shouted on this occasion and I wouldn’t be beating myself up for it either.

My mum shouted around my friends as kids. Occasionally at them if they deserved it. She was really chilled about most things but if you broke a boundary you knew about it.

My friends were always at my house. It was the preferred place. They just knew not to break her boundaries. It's not a bad thing.

Working my way through thread but I think you were massively unreasonable to have shouted so much that your child was in tears and are still threatening yet more “consequences”.

There were perfectly safe, no random one in a million pervert is going to target two 13yr old boys- they’re safe because there are two of them. Going out the window was smart because it meant the front door wasn’t left unlocked- why doesn’t he have his own key anyway?

And yes you should have spoken to them calmly. Severe situations do not require shouting, the police seem to manage serious taking tos/ issuing fines for minor crimes and such without shouting their head off until the other person is in tears.

I think you responded reasonably, except for removing the other child's phone/the shouting. Only you know if you were scary shouty or ranty shouty though - there is a difference.

In my head, if you're at another child's house it's their parents rules as de facto parent/carers (aslong as they're safe reasonable parents which it sounds like you are). All this nonsense of parents being in horror that another adult would dare discipline their child adds to the current climate of poor behaviour for children.

I say this from a social work, education and mental health perspective. There is a serious issue with behaviour at the moment.

You’re fine, OP. They did something stupid and you were angry with them. Don’t apologise, they deserved a bollocking. Hopefully they will think twice next time.

Call Social Services.

I don’t think you were unreasonable to be angry. It was a mistake to take the other child’s phone but you gave it back. I don’t think you did anything wrong. You’re probably going to be tired today after posting on here during the night but I would try not to be irritable with them this morning. I wouldn’t add another consequence, I would just tell your son after his friend has gone home that it was a potentially dangerous thing to do.

Wow I don’t think you were over reacting at all. If a local burglar had taken advantage of the open window - if one of the boys had slipped in the dark..thankfully nothing happened but they needed to get the message what they did was not ok

Also ADHD or no, doesn't mean that dangerous and potentially serious behaviour needs to be excused. Yes ADHD adds a level of impulsiveness/lack of critical reasoning and danger awareness when added to adolescence is a big thing to contend with, but when that impulsiveness is completed, there needs to be the back up knowledge to then do the right thing! Children with ADHD can learn this- absolutely. Especially as they get older and develop more impulse control skills.

🙄

I don't think it's an overreaction.
You are responsible for your son's friend's safety.
I would be livid if my son had stayed at yours and then I found out you had lax boundaries and they could get up
To whatever they wanted.

As a teacher I feel this thread gives a bit of an insight into why so many students are resistant to any form of discipline now. And especially why so many seem to genuinely believe that having their phone taken off them is a violation of their human rights. Some posters sound more bothered about being popular with their kids' friends than anything.

Your reaction sounds fine to me and I don't know what's wrong with taking the phones either. My stance would been that there had been enough disturbance for one night so phones needed to go on the landing, lights out and no noise until morning. My ds is at a sleepover now and if he'd rung me at 3am whinging that he'd been told off as he'd done something wrong he'd have got very short shift from me.

Obviously out of control shouting isn't great but it doesn't sound like it's what happened here either. A raised voice now and again is part of life and normal when something like this happens.

Yeah the ones that got shouted at in a “super scary” way will feel like they are going to be given the 10th degree no matter what they do, and they are angry at the injustice of it all and so roam around getting into trouble.

Troubled kids on the streets are far more likely to come from homes where they are shouted at and their parents use techniques that scare them to tears.

Do you have adhd?

You think the OP should apologise? Her behaviour was 'disproportionate' to 2 children sneaking out of the house at 2am?

Normally I'm open to other peoples way of thinking, but I have only 3 words to say to this.

You are wrong.

Small wonder we’re raising a generation of children with 0 boundaries given some of the responses here.
Shouting in the moment is perfectly acceptable. In fact being given a wake-up call as to what could have happened is far preferable to if it actually had.

Yes of course the OP can talk to them calmly in the morning, but in the moment they needed to be told.

I’d have lost my shit as well, as the parent of a 13 year old boy with ADHD. I’m stunned at everyone saying you overreacted.

I think the shock and anxiety of discovering your son and friend weren't in the house qt that timr and you didn't know where they were - would make the majority of parents freak out.

They see it as an adventure. We fear awful situations and consequences.

Well we all use the Internet for different things don't we. You, for example, have begun your Sunday by going on someone's thread to patronise them and give them unasked for and irrelevant advice.