To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

Not saying it wasn't impulsive and lacked judgement. I don't think he was thinking about his mum's welfare when he decided to use the window, though he was thinking about getting out and not disturbing her.

I don’t think he did anything especially unusual for a boy that age (sneaking out is a rite of passage imo) but I also don’t think you overreacted. Sometimes an uncharacteristic shout can emphasise how serious something is.

I probably would have reacted like this in the moment, a mixture of fear and anger. However, I know kids who did far worse growing up and at least they were only just sitting on a bridge. In the light of day and after a sleep I would have a calm conversation about the risks, why you were cross etc, but then put it to bed and move on

Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

Do you not let people in your house have fresh air at night? Realistically the risk of wrongdoers trying to climb in through the windows of an occupied house at night is tiny.

You took the phone of someone else's child???

That is absolutely unacceptable.

Other people's children should ALWAYS have access to their phones and taking it off him is not okay, this is just basic safeguarding.

As for your son... he is sorry and you explained the risk.

I would have a calm but serious chat and then move on. It's not the end of the world.

There's a difference between shouting at kids over every little thing (which I completely disagree with and think is ineffective as the kids just become densitised to it) and losing your shit with them occasionally when they've done something more serious/potentially dangerous.

My parents rarely actually shouted at me and my siblings, but when they did it was because it was something serious, and because they didn't do it often we knew that we had gone way beyond boundaries. The other thing they did really well though - and a pp talked about this - is make sure we knew that although they might be cross with us about certain things, it was more important to them that we always knew we could tell them anything and that they would get over their anger and help us to sort it out.

Give over justifying shouting to the point of scaring a child to tears on the back of these supposed bad kids with no boundaries and no respect caused by not being shouted at. The evidence we have says the opposite is more likely.

The kids with no boundaries and no respect are more likely to come from shouty homes than homes where parents talk calmly, firmly and rationally with their children. That’s why shouting to scare your child is not recommended by any expert. That’s why study after study of juvenile delinquents point out a volatile home life as a cause of young offending, runaways and defiant behaviour.

I didn’t shout at my kids like that, and they have turned out amazing.

Yes there is a difference, one is bad and the other is very bad. HTH

YANBU to be so angry. I’ve raised three lads (youngest now 16) and none have done that. You woke and had a big shock finding they’d left the house. It’s perfectly understandable. Plus they left you at risk asleep in the house with an open window.

Of course, it’s better not to shout. Teachers, police, judges etc have to be v firm and commanding with people without shouting. But I sometimes shout if the kids misbehave and as a lone mother I find it sometimes works to assert myself and to show how much they’ve overstepped.

He was prob crying as he was shocked how upset you were rather than because of the shouting per se. And that’s not a bad thing as it should make him think twice next time. I always think if my lads can hear my (shouty) voice in their ear when they’re about to do something daft, it could save their life one day. We live an an area where stabbings are a daily occurrence and crackheads wandering around, so I’ve had to drum it into them.

This. If my 13 year old joined in with this at a sleepover he would get the bollocking of his life when I picked him up and his phone would be gone for a while.

If I suspected it was his idea and he’d encouraged the host child it would be even worse.

Maybe it's a rural thing, as somebody else said, but surely EVERYONE sneaked out from sleepovers at night for a wander?? It's a completely different world when it's all quiet and dark, which you've never seen before at 13 and it's normal to be curious.

I'm not saying I would be totally fine if my daughter did this, coz us parents are massive hypocrites and want better for our children than we did ourselves, but I wouldn't have shouted and been livid, but I don't think you're wrong for doing that being scared and shocked. Moving forward though, I wouldn't do any further punishments and I'd be explaining in the morning that yes it's normal for teenagers to want to do this stuff, but here are the risks and the reasons I don't want you to.

I do think YABU for taking the other boy's phone though. If my child was at somebody's house and they took away his method of communicating with me, I'd never let him there again. I'd be glad you kept him safe, fine with you shouting at him, but really angry at this.

Same

Jesus, some of these replies! No wonder behaviour is so bad in schools, so many here saying OP has overreacted and would let this go!

For what it’s worth @GerbilsForever24 I don’t think you’ve been out of line at all. Your anger was totally justified and it’s good for young people to see that occasionally. That’s how they learn about others peoples’ emotions. Yes, the risk-taking parts of their brains aren’t fully developed and they didn’t think it through but that’s what parents and guardians are for!

As for taking their phones off them, 13 year olds shouldn’t have access to screens/phones throughout the night anyway.

No it isn't basic safeguarding ffs. I am pretty sure there have been more problems caused by kids constantly having their phones on them than issues averted.

You know, sometimes your kids need to see the way their actions have made you feel.

Losing your shit because you're scared they may have come to some harm, due to their irresponsible behaviour? It'll make them think about it more the next time. And it totally understandable.

Constantly screaming at them won't have the impact of them behaving. That's what's bad.

OPs post at 2.54 says they were on the road. It only takes one speeding / drunk / driver who can't see them due to lack of street lighting, to hit and kill one or both and then all of MN would be "where were the parents? What were two 13 year olds doing out at that time of night? If it were my kids I'd come down on them like a tonne of bricks." etc etc etc

The hand wringing you see over leaving a 12yo at home for maybe 30 mins - in the day - while they duck to the shops and all the I'd never do that, what if an emergency happened responses.

OP as I've said I think a bollocking was deserved in this situation. You also demonstrated taking responsibility for your actions in the heat of the moment by returning the phones. Adults make mistakes and it is good to model that no one is perfect and you can reflect and change something you had done. Clear boundaries create happy, confident kids. They know the rules and know the consequences. There can be a lot of latitude within boundaries, but boundaries need to be respected.

It all depends on the kids. Some of them respond to a calm discussion at 13 like it’s water off a duck’s back. A shouting bollocking is what some of them need when they do something dangerous and stupid. For others, it is not necessary and probably counterproductive.

It all depends on the child. I’ve got one of each.

Clearly many parents are far more easygoing than I am. I’d have gone mad too. Anything could have happened, especially so late at night and if there’s already a problem with youth gangs.

I’d have been doubly terrified because I was responsible for someone else’s child!

Sneaking out of the window is clear indication that they knew they were doing wrong and did it anyway.

I won’t be happy but I do think you’ve over reacted.

Regardless, the fact that he's been in tears in front of his friend and come to apologise suggests the punishment has now gone far enough (to me) and there is no need for the extra 'consequences' threatened.

Do you have adhd? I guess not, because you didn't answer the question.

Because i do, and i was trying to explain for the op's benefit, the son's possible thought process behind not using the front door might not just be to avoid detection.

Interesting though, that you'd rather just assign the worst possible thought process to the boy rather than even briefly consider there might be an alternative reason why he didn't use the door. That's a very neurotypical thing to do - believing your interpretation is the only one.

You were totally right OP.
If the other kid was mine I'd be delighted that he'd been told off.

Some of the responses here are bizarre.

Maybe she does? It is ok to shout. It isn't ok to allow another child to be put at risk under your supervision though. I would have reacted the exact same in the OPs situation.

If my son at 13 went for a sleepover and did this, and the parent said.. 'well, we did tell them they mustn't do it again, they went on a little adventure' and that was it, he wouldn't be going to that house again.

‘They’re safe because there’s 2 of them’ 🤦‍♀️

As one speaker at a recent INSET training I attended said “this country is not just in the midst of a cost of living crisis, it’s also in the midst of a parenting crisis”