To be livid with DS - or should I be chalking this up to youthful silliness?

[GerbilsForever24]

DS is 13. He has a friend over for a sleepover. I've long given up policing bed time during sleepovers so am used to them all being up until all hours.

I just woke up and clearly my spidey senses were tingling as I went to check on them. Only to discover they were nowhere in the house. Turns out they'd climbed out of the window in the lounge and were sitting on a small footbridge just down from our house.

I am furious on about 50 different levels. I am not really the paranoid type, but let's face it - 2 13 year old boys wondering around on a Saturday night is not a no-risk scenario and even if they didn't get into "trouble" or nothing bad happened to them, if anyone had seen them coming out the window that would have likely generated a call to the police. Not least because we have a known gang of young teenage boys around here who are an absolute menace and the entire neighbourhood are on watch for them - no one would have known these were just two stupid 13 year olds sneaking out rather than this existing group of twits. Plus, because they went out the window and it was therefore left open, I am pretty unhappy about being left alone, asleep upstairs while my house was completely exposed.

I have taken their phones and sent them both to bed. I was livid. And yes, there was some shouting - although I think the super scary type where I'm clearly furious but am not screaming like a banshee.

DS has come in to my room crying and apologising and saying he didn't think about the risk. I've told him I accept that but there will still be consequences.

Full disclosure, he has ADHD as well so that adds an element of thoughtless to things.

It's not unreasonable to be this angry is it? Part of me thinks "isn't this just normal silliness"? And am I over reacting because DS is in a phase of thinking every rule and boundary in place is just to irritate him, vs because there's an actua reason.

I wouldn't be happy to hear another parent had displayed disproportionate anger in front of/towards my child

Disproportionate???

According to Mumsnet nobody should ever raise their voice at any family member and if they do the family member will be traumatised for life.

Nobody ever raises their voice on MN. It's always 'screaming'.

I genuinely can't get my head round the number of posters saying you overreacted.

I doubt many would be so blasé about the whole scenario if talking about their own 13 year olds.

There are a lot of ‘cool parents’ out in force on this thread 🤨

@GerbilsForever24 I don’t think you overreacted, I think sometimes it does them good to see the level of emotion (fear!) they’ve caused, because it sticks with them and makes it much less likely to do something like that again.

if I was the other kid’s parent, I would be pretty much ok with however you felt you needed to handle it - your house, your rules and I would be really disappointed in my child that he had disrespected you in that way.

I don't think you over-reacted.

You woke in the small hours of the morning to find your ds and his friend were missing, and your house was unsecured.

For a few minutes, you didn't know where they were or what they were doing. I expect that the friend's parents will also be quite concerned that their child was not safe at your house.

The fact that they decided to use the window to avoid waking you shows that it wasn't completely spontaneous and impulsive, and that they are deceitful.

I think telling them off and confiscating their phones was a very measured response, and I'd be banning sleepovers for awhile too.

I'm a teacher and think that more parents should address behaviour issues robustly tbh. The 'boys will be boys' indulgence is very ineffective and emboldens them for worse lapses imo.

In what respect?
All children need boundaries, and if they cross them, they are in trouble. Even those with ND

Trust me it does.
Not every life lesson/skill comes from a book of techniques

Complete overreaction. A calm explanation of why it wasn’t ok would have been more appropriate. You should apologise and explain that you overreacted because you were worried about them.

Disproportionate reactions just make teens hide bad behaviour better, which is the last thing you want. You can have boundaries without behaving like a complete nut.

I agree with this 100%

OP, you reacted in a normal and appropriate manner in the circumstances.

I know people are saying op overreacted but imagine a parent told you their kid had done this and laughed it off?! I think they should feel awful thst they did something that could have gotten them killed or in huge trouble as they won’t do it again. The only thing is I wouldn’t have removed the friend’s phone. Good luck talking to the parents tomorrow and hope you can have a more relaxed conversation with both kids in the morning as even though they deserve it they know by now

I think you've overreacted a bit.

They could have been necking Buckfast in his room

I get what they did was stupid.

However you've made a 13 year old boy cry in front of one of his mates. That's not going to be a great story to be told next week when school starts is it.

I think it was a total overreaction. They were close to your house and safety not like they decided to leg it off into town or something.

I can understand why you reacted that way. I would have been worried too. However, I don’t think any further punishment is needed.

I would feel very uncomfortable at shouting at one of my children’s friends like this and I have never done that. I would also not have taken the other child’s phone. Unless I knew that child’s parent really well.

Absolutely!
The OP woke up in a panic when she realised the boys had snuck out and she didn't know where they were or if they were ok. Was she supposed to go to the front door and gently call the little cherubs in?! It was 2am, not 5pm!!!
I'd have reacted the same and most people in real life would have reacted the same too.
Also, if I was the other boy's parent, I'd be furious with him too and I'd make him apologise to you.
Children need boundaries and they now know yours.

Ehh?

You had a right to be angry but shouting at someone else’s child is a bit OTT. I personally wouldn’t be upset if you told me you’d shouted at my child in this situation as I’d appreciate it was dangerous and you were upset / scared. But it doesn’t sound like they were far away at all if they heard the window open and came back. They are 13, it seemed like a fun idea at the time. They didn’t do a risk assessment. I’d apologise for shouting in the morning when you speak to them, explain you were frightened as it’s not safe out at that time of the morning. I’d also call the mum and explain before the boy goes home. I’m sure it will all be forgotten about in a couple of days.

Some of the responses on this thread are giving me a clear understanding of the type of parents the little wankers have who go around setting fires and booting people's doors where I live.

All the PP saying you're over reacting would be the first to blame OP if something had happened to those children.

Poor little disrespectful friend wouldn't need to worry about not wanting to come back because he got a a telling off, he wouldn't be welcome back until he apologised with understanding of why his behaviour is unacceptable. Son wouldn't be having friends over until he did too.

They are 13 not 5. They are old enough to deal with a raised voice and consequences for their behaviour. Maybe this OP won't be back here in a few years complaining her DS treats her with no respect, does nothing at home and comes home wasted drunk every weekend.

Massive overreaction! Your poor son😔😔😔

I bet those kids have parents who scream at them all the time. Depressing how many parents equate effective discipline with shouting and losing control.

Mumsnet is a strange place, I'd have been furious with them, not least because I'd be responsible for someone else's child. You must've been scared when you couldn't find them . I'd have shouted and taken their phones too. I don't think it needs another consequence though. Time to chat about it, build bridges, get in I perspective amd move on. If his friend doesn't want to come back, so be it. I wouldn't want someone else's child around who goes along or instigates something like this.

This.

@NoKnit Kid thinks he's old enough to sneak out of the house at 2am, he's old enough not to bubble in front of his mate then isn't he?

Only sorry because he got caught is all over MN, it doesn't start when they are grown men.

I completely understand your reaction in the heat of the moment too. You must have been terrified realising that not only your child but someone else's that you had responsibility for had let themselves out of the house at 2am. They obviously knew what they were doing was wrong, so can't have been that surprised to get a bollocking, especially with emotions running so high at the time. Taking the phone from the other child maybe wasn't ideal but you realised that quickly and rectified it but again I think it was done when your judgement was (understandably!) a little impaired by panic and relief.
I would definitely be letting the other boy's parents know and talking about the potential risks of the behaviour to my DC now things are calmer.I can't believe how many posters here are laying into you for reacting as you did when you were tired, panicked and just woken up to find 2 kids missing from their beds. If I was the parent of the other child I would much rather they were told off for stupid and potentially dangerous behaviour than get a call that something terrible had happened to them.