To feel embarrassed but ask you anyway to teach me, a grown woman, how to look after myself, please?

[SoftLittleBunnyRabbit]

When I say teach, I mean the very basics. At least to start of with.

I am almost 36 years old and I find even the most simple of tasks a huge unsurmountable burden . I took a shower today for the first time in 6 days. I haven't had a haircut since 2022. I ordered takeaway again today because going shopping and cooking nutritious meals feels like the equivalent of climbing mount Everest. I just feel exhausted, anxious and stressed over stupid things all the time and keep bursting into tears because I feel like shit, life is hard and I'm just not worth investing any time/money/care in.

The situation is:

• I have depression and increasingly bad anxiety which I'm medicated for
• I have an under active thyroid which I'm medicated for but it has made lots of my hair fall out and it never grew back so my hair is very thin on top
• I constantly eat crappy food and I need to lose 10 stone. My body is struggling because I am so heavy.
• I have very dry, red skin and want to sort out a skincare routine in theory, but in reality I don't feel like I'm worth spending any money on
• childhood trauma and history of SH as a teen
• no kids but have a DH who is worried about me and tries his best to help.

I just don't know where to start and have tears in my eyes writing this. Please tell me the most basic things I can start with to look after myself and become healthier. Talk to me as if I am an idiot (because I am) and tell me small, manageable steps I can take. Like, what is the first thing you do in the morning that I can do that won't be too overwhelming?

I have a little notebook here to write down all your suggestions so I can keep it with me and read it when I need to.

Prioritise food op.
Diet causes lots of issues in lots of different areas like moods, emotions, hormones and so on.
What kind of meals do you like?
Plan your meals, including a treat and do an online shop.
Try to start cutting down on processed foods and think of simple meals.
People here can help you.
Or if you can afford it, try one of those meal delivery services like hello fresh.

Take a multivitamin too. Floradix is a good one. You can get it in liquid form which is meant to be better.

Have a shower every morning when you're getting changed.
Out of pjs, straight into the shower, into fresh clothes.

Managing these two things can ripple out to help you achieve other goals.

Doesn't need a private endo that's something a gp can do instantly for free. I'd get a full screen fbc/b12/folate/iron studies too if poor diet. Wouldn't bother getting vit d levels, just take it, I've only found 4 people with normal levels in about 150 tests

Hi everyone. So sorry for the lack of reply. I promise I am still here and appreciate every single one of your messages and am touched at how kind and lovely you all are. Thank you for that.

Unfortunately, I am dealing with a very bad flare-up of a medical condition I have, and I've been in terrible physical pain from last night. My face/head/eyes are affected, and it has been unbearable to look at the screen on my phone.

Have been chugging down painkillers all night and haven't slept, that's why i haven't had a chance to reply yet. As soon as the pain subsides, I will be straight back on this thread with my note book and be interacting with you all, so please keep the messages coming, I promise I will read them. Don't want you to think I've done a runner. Hopefully, this pain will piss off soon. Bloody awful timing for it to show up, and to go on all night and this morning too. Fuck my life 😩

Ring 111 for help with the pain, ring doc tomorrow for a meds review. Get plenty of rest.

Sorry to hear that. Hope it settles down soon. Take care of you 💐

I disagree entirely that titration of meds in accordance with underlying health conditions will be done for free by a GP.

My GP failed to diagnose my Graves 35 years ago and on the whole GPs have been entirely disinterested in managing my now underactive thyroid, pagets, osteoporosis and high cholesterol ever since. The endocrinologist I seen privately has been solicitous and oro-active and even more so for dd who.also has an auto immune condition along side anxiety and depression.

I have ben deep in depression. When your physical symptoms ease try to act better than you feel. Sounds silly but it is a way out of depression. Pretend all is a bit better than it is. So one day you will realise that you are not acting any more.
Sorry about all your physical symptoms I think those require medical intervention. Anyone could be depressed with so much pain.
One year to get better. Yes lose weight when you are ready that wil help.

Oh you poor thing. I hope you're feeling better quickly.

In the meantime, how about starting one new great habit and asking your DH to bring you a glass of water. Sip it and ask him to refill once you've emptied the glass.

Take care OP.

Get well soon op

If your thyroid level is low it can effect other conditions as your immunity etc drops. So this is a priority to get sorted.

ThyroidUK have a list of private providers on their website, which is one place to start. Really important to inform yourself with a lot of reading up - hypothyroidism is very individual and there are a miriad feedback loops and related issues cluttering up the picture. T3 is useful if you're one of those who doesn't convert T4 (the storage form of thyroid hormone) to T3 (the active form of the Thyroid hormone) very well. So not everyone needs it and getting T4 levels high enough will be enough in those cases. If you're a bad converter, you remain very symptomatic even when your T4 levels are good. These are the people like me who only feel well with some T3 in the mix too. Unfortunately NHS guidelines don't permit T3 prescription so a private doc is needed. (Can also pay for private tests and source medication online yourself, but having done that for years I'm much happier working with a functional doc)

I've just thought of something really relevant: 'The School of life' by Alain de Boton on YouTube and other social media. There are also books available and possibly podcasts.
He is an amazing psychologist and narrator and he's very gentle, compassionate and validating.
'Ruby Wax' has amazing books and also reality based, theatrical shows.
She has helped me immeasurably because she's very kind and been through mental health crises herself. She makes me feel more human and less alone. She's on more than one social media, but mainly Instagram and some YouTube.
Ultimately, go slow at your own pace and be tolerant towards yourself and self compassion is good.
A book called 'Full catastrophe living' by an author I can't remember is brilliant and also 'The gifts of imperfection' by Brené Brown is very helpful as is Tara Brach with her YouTube videos called 'the rain of self compassion' and she also has some incredible books. Her meditations on YouTube are very calming.
I've been there, so I wish you the best xxxxx

You've recognised you need help and you've asked for help, those are two massive achievements!

So much of the advice already given on this thread is what I would recommend. My short-term priorities would be:

Getting your medication reviewed by GP
Getting a hair cut
Showering/bathing everyday (for therapeutic as well as hygiene reasons)
Drinking enough water
Getting enough sleep (lack of sleep can leave you constantly on the brink of tears).

Long-term you really need to address your diet but get yourself in a better place emotionally before tackling that.

Checking your thyroid treatment is all in order is the key thing, in my opinion. Making sure that’s correct might just make everything else more manageable.

If making appointments for the GP and hair salon are gigantic tasks (I find it incredibly difficult to do) then ask your husband or a friend to do it for you rather than putting it off until you feel able to do it yourself.

I found myself in quite a similar state to yourself eleven years ago because I had a chronic condition that was being misdiagnosed as depression. It took seven years to discover I had a genetic disease that causes iron overload. Finding out I had a treatable disease that explained my symptoms was incredibly liberating - it meant I wasn't an incapable, lazy, rubbish person after all; I was actually very ill but I had the means to get better.

Things can and will improve, I wish you all the best on your road to recovery x

Wishing you so many best wishes @SoftLittleBunnyRabbit.

So many good tips on here. I struggle with self care sometimes. Just having a bath seems to involve monumental effort. It is the strangest thing. This thread has just made me go and apply some foot cream and body lotion.

I'm back 👋

Going to reply properly soon, but just wanted to say that I went shopping today, and I'm sitting down to a homemade meal with dh 🥲

A made a chicken stir fry with fresh vegetables. I don't know the last time I even ate a vegetable, nor the last time I went shopping.

I did kind of cheat and bought ready made mash, tinned peas, pre-grates cheese. Basically anything that I could get away with not doing. Feel like such a last arse, but it's better than a greasy takeaway, so I'll take it as a win 🙌

Wonderful progress.
Be very proud of yourself OP.

That's a very sensible compromise OP - particularly with health conditions it's important to manage everything we do really carefully so we don't overdo it.

I'm afraid I haven't read the whole thread, though I have read your replies. I wondered if you have come across the "spoon theory" - it's a model for disability (be they physical or neurodivergence or fatigue based or mental health based or whatever) where it encourages you to think about your day as starting with a pot of spoons.

Some things you may conclude refill your pot of spoons (maybe a night's sleep, or a nap, or a long soak in the bath - these will differ for each person) while other things will use spoons up, some more than others. So maybe cooking a meal where you have to make all the mash from scratch etc uses 6 spoons, but making it with prepared stuff only uses 2 or 3, and maybe eating a healthy, nourishing meal gives you back an extra 1 spoon.

The numbers don't really matter but the key to the concept is recognising that we all have finite amounts of energy and capacity and sometimes they can be lower than we need to conduct all the tasks we would like to do every day. And in those circumstances we have to focus on what we can do that replenishes us, what if anything we can do that makes our daily store of spoons bigger (maybe there's nothing that does that) and how we can prioritise the spoons we do have so that we meet our needs - of food, of cleanliness, of having the capacity to do stuff with the kids. And sometimes one bit has to drop to do the other stuff, but the key is doing that consciously, so you don't lose the stuff that helps your health.

Brilliant job! You must feel so good!

That is a definite win! 😊

I used to have awful MH, was 8 stone overweight and feel for you.

I learned from scratch how to cook, got fitter & healthier etc, it didn't happen overnight though.

If you want a buddy then do PM me, I'd be happy to chat and be a positive cheerleader for you.

Well done. You took control. I hope it feels good and you should be chuffed with yourself.

That's fantastic OP! A home cooked meal with lots of veg sounds amazing! Don't worry if you can't manage that every day though. Baby steps ❣️

You poor thing, sounds like you are having a hard time, well done on starting to nake some changes.

I think the first thing you need to do is get the depression and underactive thyroid under control. You will feel more motivated to do things if you aren't depressed and you will find it easier to lose weight if you are properly medicated for your thyroid.

So number 1 speak to your GP about your medication.

Then try and go for a short walk every day (or just go into the garden for half an hour or so if walking seems too much). Being outside is good for your mental and physical health and will help with everything else you want to change.

Once you are happy with that and feel comfortable doing it regularly then approach other things you want to change slowly and what seems most achievable. Be kind to yourself and take it slow. Let a change bed in before you try to attempt the next one.

Sounds like a fab start for both of you.
Food has to be the place to start on any sort of health changes.

Who cares about how or who grated the cheese or prepared the veggies. The important thing is you are in control over what else went into the pot.

I'd try again tomorrow. I bet you'll start to feel a bit better after a few days of home made food.

Constant take-aways can't be good for your body or your bank balance.

Another one here to say that, darling, you are not an idiot. You've been through hell, going through a terrible time and are ill. Anyone would struggle with the basics in your shoes.

I had to build up self-care again after a terrible time with depression and I focused on the smallest things, and just doing one small thing at a time until it felt like I'd established a habit. I focused on how it made me feel good, so that I was incentivised to do it the next day and the next...

Remember that habits take time to build and you'll fall off the wagon a few times. That's OK, that's normal. Just start again. The gaps when you let good habits drop will get shorter each time and each time it will be easier to pick them back up.

Blood tests are a good place to start. B12, iron, vitamin C, vitamin d...Vitamin C deficiency responds surpringsly quickly and these are all things which promote hair growth.

Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. A quick once over is better than nothing, even just a rinse with mouthwash. Whenever you achieve even that, you train your brain into a new self-care habit which you can grow.

Aim for 1 nutritious meal a day.
Can be super-simple, like omelette or tinned fish and jacket potato.
Ready meals are fine but try and choose less processed ones (Charlie bigham is good, you want foods with an ingredients list you'll find in your cupboard)
If you eat terribly one day, that's fine, try and make sure you have a piece of fruit the next day.

Baby steps, little wins.

Write down your little wins each time so you can see how far you've come in a few months time and which ones you might be ready to build on.

Consider every day "how am I nourishing myself today? How am I taking care of myself?" If that means you need to hide under the duvet, that's fine.

And remember, darling. Many people with a history of SA and trauma carry feelings of not being worthy. And you are, so so worthy of self care, compassion and love.

You'll get there. Don't beat yourself up. No insults, OK?