To feel embarrassed but ask you anyway to teach me, a grown woman, how to look after myself, please?

[SoftLittleBunnyRabbit]

When I say teach, I mean the very basics. At least to start of with.

I am almost 36 years old and I find even the most simple of tasks a huge unsurmountable burden . I took a shower today for the first time in 6 days. I haven't had a haircut since 2022. I ordered takeaway again today because going shopping and cooking nutritious meals feels like the equivalent of climbing mount Everest. I just feel exhausted, anxious and stressed over stupid things all the time and keep bursting into tears because I feel like shit, life is hard and I'm just not worth investing any time/money/care in.

The situation is:

• I have depression and increasingly bad anxiety which I'm medicated for
• I have an under active thyroid which I'm medicated for but it has made lots of my hair fall out and it never grew back so my hair is very thin on top
• I constantly eat crappy food and I need to lose 10 stone. My body is struggling because I am so heavy.
• I have very dry, red skin and want to sort out a skincare routine in theory, but in reality I don't feel like I'm worth spending any money on
• childhood trauma and history of SH as a teen
• no kids but have a DH who is worried about me and tries his best to help.

I just don't know where to start and have tears in my eyes writing this. Please tell me the most basic things I can start with to look after myself and become healthier. Talk to me as if I am an idiot (because I am) and tell me small, manageable steps I can take. Like, what is the first thing you do in the morning that I can do that won't be too overwhelming?

I have a little notebook here to write down all your suggestions so I can keep it with me and read it when I need to.

Hello OP. I had an accident almost a year ago. It gave me a real shock. As a result I have changed my whole way of living. I have lost over 5stone and have quite a lot still left to lose. I am very middle aged and never thought I would get a grip on it. So I understand a little about how overwhelming it can be.
I would concentrate on one thing only, until you feel confident that you have adopted that habit and you see how much better you feel as a result of doing that one thing.
The first thing I did was to have breakfast every morning.
You need to nourish yourself to have strength to do anything else.
Keep it simple. Marks and Spencer ready made pot of creamy porridge. 1min 40 seconds in the microwave. A spoonful of sugarly if needed. A chopped up apple. A cup of tea for hydration.
You might get dozens of recipes for smoothies, lots of info on macros… but you don’t need this now. You just need nourishment. I ate that for breakfast for a couple of weeks straight and still always have a couple of them in the fridge.
Once you get into that habit the next thing I would do would be to have a shower and clean my teeth every day. I have to admit that I didn’t have this struggle as I really love makeup and doing my hair etc - food was ( and still is ) my biggest battle.
Small steps OP. I wish you peace of mind.

For me, it was writing short, manageable lists and going everything on them, even if it took me hours and I had to have props. I'd tick off each thing. Where there was chocie I'd write down what to do so that I wouldn't have to both put effort into thinking and doing at the same time, and could save all my effort for doing.

For example I'd actually write:

Shower
Breakfast (yoghurt+granola)
Wash up
Get dressed (blue t shirt + jeans)

And also things like washing up, when I was at the stage where I actually wasn't sure I could do it, I'd put headphones on and watch TV at the same time.

''I would focus on one thing and that is losing weight.
^^
Your body is literally dragging you down. ''

This... Yesterday, a passing a shop unexpectedly that had a good deal on pet food that is normally very expensive.

I bought a stone {7 kilos} of the tinned food , and carried it home in two bags.
My arms and back were killing by the time I got home. {Have arthritis and scoliosis}

Losing weight slowly will make you feel so much better- carrying an extra 10 stones is going to put a lot of strain on your body, knee joints in particular.

You can do it!

Last thing at night write in your notebook, some little positive thing about the day you just had.
First thing in a morning, read what you wrote last night, and wonder what the day might bring. Then run a bath, then put the kettle on and make a cuppa and take it with you to your bath.
In the bath, think about what you will wear today and allow yourself some deep breathing relaxing time.
Dry yourself rigorously and then do a few stretches …reach up with your hands to the sky. Then get dressed as planned and use deodorant and face cream after brushing your teeth.
Open the bedroom and bathroom windows and breathe in a bit of the fresh air.
Make the bed if you have the strength

If you can start the day building up to a routine like that you will begin to feel better.
Best wishes for your recovery OP. You sound lovely. And brave too.

OP all I can offer up is the words of Kate Scott from the famous Quora thread

“When I was at one of my (mentally) lowest points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by.
I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.
“What are you struggling with?” he asked.
I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.”
Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?”
I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it.
I wanted to have something more substantial.
Something more profound.
But I didn’t.
So I told him, “Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes.”
I felt like an idiot even saying it.
What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with actual problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes?
But he nodded in understanding and then said:
“Run the dishwasher twice.”
I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me.
“Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist.”
It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express.
That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times.
I felt like I had conquered a dragon.
The next day, I took a shower lying down.
A few days later, I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit.
There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again.
Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.
But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:
There are no rules.
Run the dishwasher twice.”

Honestly I think you need to get your thyroid levels looked at. I don’t think you’re getting enough thyroxin, that could honestly be causing most of these problems (speak from experience).
Start small with positive changes. Set a routine with things that need to be done daily like brushing teeth and showering. Once you’ve settled in to that add in daily moisturising. Then work towards meal planning and getting a daily walk in to help lift your mood and lose the weight you want to lose. Once you start to accomplish the basics, you’ll feel more worthy of spending money on yourself. You can definitely achieve this, one little step at a time.

Think about your inner child and imagine yourself doing all these tasks for her.

Also go on better help and get some online therapy if you can afford it. They do discounts for low incomes. There's weekly groups on there too, included in the price and you can write to the therapist at any time.

OP please go and get your bloods redone to check your meds. You should be having them done at least every 6 months but if your GP is anything like mine they will need a kick up the arse. All your symptoms sounds like your thyroxine levels are not right. Also make sure you take your meds and hour before eating too make sure they work properly (it's in the small print but GPs often fail to tell patients). I have Hashimoto's disease so i sympathise massively with what you are describing. My meds are now all working and i feel so much better (and I've been able to lose weight).

I've not read of the posts, apologies brain fog but lots of helpful advice from everyone. Sorry if I am repeating but the biggest thing that stood out for me in your post is the under active thyroid part. Please get referred back to your endocrinologist and get your bloods redone with them. A good endo will recognise its symptoms not 'average levels' that matter. Write a diary and present it to them with what daily life looks like for you. This can just be bulletproof points in your phone. Muscle aches, lack of concentration, energy levels, hair loss etc. Without outing myself - You sound very symptomatic to me and the thyroid is controller of so much. It affects all systems in the body - physical and mental. Be kind to yourself I don't know you but I do know if your medication is not right then this will massively be affecting energy and ability to do anything or look after yourself. Lethargy and fatigue (notice didn't say tiredness) will be rife. While all the suggestions are great if you are under active like this then whilst positive and beneficial - things such as walks etc you may not actually be able to do. Go on the British Thyroid Foundation website and join the FB group lots of support and advice. But take that step to go back to your endo. I'm not sure if you have had a TT or PT or autoimmune or under active but either way it sounds like your meds are not right. DM if you need to and sending hugs from someone who has had a rollercoaster thyroid ride and is still on it!

If I'm poorly with something like flu I do the very basic things I can manage. For me this is to wash my face, brush my teeth and brush my hair. If I can pits and bits wash and deodorant. Clean clothes, out of PJs - these can be comfy clothes but clothes you'd be willing to go for a walk in even just into the garden. Even if you don't walk just being outside for a while helps.

Eating well is my downfall. If I'm unwell I try to have something like soup and bread or scrambled eggs on toast. Plenty of water and perhaps juices/smoothies.

I have a spray on moisturiser for my face. I keep it in the fridge. As a chronicly ill person it makes it a lot easier to just spray it on rather than have to rub it in and wash it off my face, and it's nice being in the fridge as I feel so hot.

Also spray on moisturiser for body. I don't use this all the time but when I do use it it's so much easier!

I would try to avoid making decisions. It can feel paralysing and impossible. So make a rule - every morning you will get up, go to the loo, wash and get dressed. After a month add breakfast. Choose an easy but relatively healthy breakfast and eat it every day. Fruit/yogurt/toast. Or whatever. But don't be deciding what to eat every day. Add in a morning walk. Then the same lunch. Then the same dinner. Make the meals easy to make and repetitive, and get the food delivered every week. Lots of supermarkets allow to you automatically reorder the same shopping list every week. Gradually add new rules. Don't be making decisions about whether to do something or something else. You will end up doing nothing.

Go slow and gradual. Life doesn't suddenly get better by magic. It's not a movie.

Thyroid levels could well need a review.

Fatigue, weight gain, heavy periods and feeling cold can all be down to underachieve thyroid.

Especially if OP is losing her hair.

Hi just wanted to add have you ever been assessed for ADHD? It can be comorbid with a lot of the things you describe and can also make looking after yourself really difficult.

If it is your depression and anxiety or thyroid causing the struggles can you have your medication adjusted or talking therapies etc as it will be much harder to do anything else until you get on top of those.

It may also be worth looking online at ADHD coping strategies as the brain fog from depression or exhaustion can feel similar. It's easy for me to say but please don't feel bad about yourself, you are worthy just as you are right now.

I think if you can shower, brush your hair and teeth and dress in clean clothes everyday you are winning. Try to work on doing those things consistently. If you can't do it all then start slowly. Try to do your teeth everyday for a few days and then add hair brushing. Then a shower every other day. Then a shower daily.

The biggest thing that helped me, once I was able to leave the house (trust me that was an epic battle literally taken a step at a time due to agoraphobia), was exercisiing. Swimming helped me. I found peace under the water.

Do you sleep well OP?

Do you go to bed and wake at the same time each day?

A regular sleep routine will help you to make time and give you energy for other good habits.

This is exactly what I’d suggest. I have a routine in the morning:

• get up, go to loo
• shower, brush teeth
• take meds
• sit down and do hair, skincare and while doing this, remind myself that you deserve to spend time on me
• get dressed
• breakfast.

Your routine may look completely different but the thing is, it’s a routine. After a bit you don’t need to think about it.

Exercise does wonders for mental health. Like others, I recommend a daily outdoor walk, weather permitting.

When weather doesn’t permit, I recommend a YouTube channel called growwithjo. Jo has a wide variety of easy-to-follow workouts and she’s really gentle and encouraging. She helped me get back into exercise after a decade of looking after everyone but myself.

Asking anyone for help - even internet strangers - is hard. I’m proud of you for taking that first step. You’ve got this.

Also I have no idea if this is helpful but a lot of people I know found this well known (to the chronically online) Tumblr post insightful.... It's in the same vein as the dishwasher one. I've never seen Naruto, but you get the idea!

sometimes you have to be a bit mentally ill to get mentally well so if thinking naruto would be proud of you for brushing your teeth is what gets you to brush your teeth well grab that toothbrush dattebayo

Agree with pps - if you manage nothing else clean your teeth every day, pref am and pm.
No need for expensive skincare products, E45 cream does a great job.
Try to get out for a walk every day, even if you only go round the block.

I was depressed years ago - I set my radio to come on every morning with an upbeat programme, nothing too manic, to stop the negative waves before they started. I still find putting on lively music during the day is an instant mood lifter and makes it so much easier to get on with things.

Agree with Thyroid!

Was falling asleep in the day, in company of people, I couldn't keep my eyes open.
Family would make a joke of it.

I don't drink, and went to GP who said thyroid levels were very low.

Now taking thyroxine and don't fall asleep all over the place any more.

I lurk here a lot and don’t often post…but I wanted to stop by to say I’m sorry for what you’re going through 💐.

I’m no expert but I’ll tell you the things that make me feel good…start with something simple like flossing your teeth on a night. Not big, just easy.

Then maybe progress to an in shower facial cleanser. Just have a little scrub when you shower and pop a little moisturiser on when you get out. You can pick these up cheap.

And then maybe once a week you take 10 minutes to research a 500 calorie meal and buy the required ingredients and then cook. Just once a week (because meal planning and the subsequent food shopping is a huge task even when you do it weekly!!)

Good luck OP X

But at the minute OP probably can't manage that
A shower every other day is more achievable

It's like saying to people who don't eat veg to start eating kale every day. Better they have a carrot once a week than nothing

Sending hugs to you OP xx I've been there and I have my moments. Some days, i wish I could stay in bed. If it wasn't for my 2 children depending on me, I wouldn't get out of bed. It's all very well for me to give advice, but I don't always do it myself 🫣

Big hugs! You are worth taking care of! As people have said above, don't try to implement everything at once - that's too much for anyone. Pick a very few things at first and celebrate doing them each and every time.

My tip would be Dove soap bars - they are my favourite as they do the job and don't seem to dry my skin out too much. They can be used all over - good in the bath, shower, or whenever you wash your hands.

Many years ago I watched a TV series about the Commandos. You know, that super-elite military unit. The first training session they had was how to wash themselves, because it was not a given that they would know. So don't feel bad that you feel you don't know either!