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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel embarrassed but ask you anyway to teach me, a grown woman, how to look after myself, please?

233 replies

SoftLittleBunnyRabbit · 24/08/2024 21:31

When I say teach, I mean the very basics. At least to start of with.

I am almost 36 years old and I find even the most simple of tasks a huge unsurmountable burden Sad. I took a shower today for the first time in 6 days. I haven't had a haircut since 2022. I ordered takeaway again today because going shopping and cooking nutritious meals feels like the equivalent of climbing mount Everest. I just feel exhausted, anxious and stressed over stupid things all the time and keep bursting into tears because I feel like shit, life is hard and I'm just not worth investing any time/money/care in.

The situation is:

  • I have depression and increasingly bad anxiety which I'm medicated for
  • I have an under active thyroid which I'm medicated for but it has made lots of my hair fall out and it never grew back so my hair is very thin on top
  • I constantly eat crappy food and I need to lose 10 stone. My body is struggling because I am so heavy.
  • I have very dry, red skin and want to sort out a skincare routine in theory, but in reality I don't feel like I'm worth spending any money on
  • childhood trauma and history of SH as a teen
  • no kids but have a DH who is worried about me and tries his best to help.

I just don't know where to start and have tears in my eyes writing this. Please tell me the most basic things I can start with to look after myself and become healthier. Talk to me as if I am an idiot (because I am) and tell me small, manageable steps I can take. Like, what is the first thing you do in the morning that I can do that won't be too overwhelming?

I have a little notebook here to write down all your suggestions so I can keep it with me and read it when I need to.

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 24/08/2024 22:50

I can't function until I have a shower and get dressed.
You don't need a 'beauty' routine.
Get outside in the fresh air. Sunshine can uplift your mood. Go for a walk, even if it's a short one, anything will feel like you've 'done something'.

Look up Slimming World online and get great ideas for healthy meals. Join your local group if you're up for it - there will be loads in the same boat as you.

Contact your Dr to get your meds reviewed.

Good luck OP.

Barney16 · 24/08/2024 22:51

Go for a walk every day. Even if it's ten steps forward and ten steps back. Put the radio on and have a dance. If you can afford it order in your meals for a week, like hello fresh or similar. Yoga with Adrienne is really good, just do what you can. Probably a good idea to go back to GP and ask for repeat tests just to make sure meds are ok. You sound lovely and you are deserving of every tiny act of self care. Every thing adds up, so don't berate yourself if for example you only do a ten minute walk, after a week of ten minutes that's 70 minutes.

Cally102 · 24/08/2024 22:53

When I was at my lowest and decided I needed to get out and walk I aimed for the top of my road and back. It was a huge struggle and I was only able to increase the distance very gradually. Think small but do it. Well done for posting and I hope your husband can help you.

Coughsweet · 24/08/2024 22:54

Oh, you sound so sad. You don’t have to be.

Can you get out walking? It’s so therapeutic and doesn’t knacker the joints. I walked myself through the grief after my DM died and a friend did the same.

I have psoriasis and varicose veins and have managed to bequeath one of my teenage DC with the same. In their words - “if you just wear the shorts and act like you don’t care then no one else does”. The important thing is anything that might be health related is addressed but all the cosmetic stuff is a far bigger deal to you than
it is to anyone else.

Are you able to order something like Hello Fresh? Can your DH do the cooking?
in

JeSuisUnePommeDeTerre · 24/08/2024 22:55

OP I couldn’t read and pass by,
things in your post resonate with me, a lot of burying my head in the sand and letting problems escalate.

the first struggle I’m really working on is weight loss to not expect miracles overnight, weight will not magically drop off it’ll take time, especially to lose 10 stone, not to discourage you at all just try to tweak small things, up your water intake, cut down a snack or slowly reduce portions, it doesn’t have to be crash diets and 5 hiit work outs a week, you can build on active levels,

habe you already tried slow cooker meals? they’re usually simple to prep and tasty and can be made with fresh ingredients quite quickly.
don’t beat yourself up for a takeaway though, focus on the little wins instead

some really good tips on minimalistic ways to look after your skin, I can’t really offer much advice but the things offered so far seem worth trying and I will take away the suggestions for myself, so thank you pp’s!

your DH sounds caring, I hope his support helps you and this thread does too,

echo what op has said about working through and picking out what seems achievable and applicable to you,

also, agree with speaking to GP if you can

wishing you all the best

butterbeansauce · 24/08/2024 22:55

If you've been eating an unhealthy diet it's probably affected your gut health. Maybe get a really good probiotic/prebiotic and vitamin combo - a concentrated greens mix that you just drink with water. It helps with energy and your immune system.

I agree with going to the doctors to sort out your thyroid medication. There definitely seem to be medical issues that are holding you back.

Look to YouTube for fitness, health and exercise tips. Maybe start with chair exercises. Weights are also good as they build muscle that then burns more calories. And walking, even if it's for five minutes a day. Again there are YouTube videos where you can do this at home to start with.

Get out in nature. It's better for you than anti-depressants for mild/moderate depression.

I eat a protein yogurt for breakfast - Skyr - with nuts. It is very filling and eating protein first thing in the morning helps to stabilise your blood sugars. Look into how to stabilise these as it helps with weight loss.

Are you sleeping well? Lack of sleep plays havoc with your hormones.

Keep posting for support.

Leafcrackle · 24/08/2024 22:56

I'm a proper grown up with a professional job and family and everything. But sometimes I can't cope with the most mundane of tasks:
Cleaning my teeth
Getting stuck in my clothes
Picking up my shoes
Having a shower

I want to kick and scream and shout.

But I can't.

So I put my head outside myself, so I'm detached, then I can kind of do it. I have to tell myself that it's 1 step at a time: right, walk to bathroom. Pick up toothbrush etc

Fgfgfg · 24/08/2024 22:58

Destiny123 · 24/08/2024 21:40

Recomnend Michael mosleys podcasts "just one thing"

Yes. Lots of suggestions for small easy changes.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p09by3yy

BBC Radio 4 - Just One Thing - with Michael Mosley

Michael Mosley reveals surprisingly simple ways to improve your health and wellbeing.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p09by3yy

Mirandamermaid24 · 24/08/2024 22:58

LittleRedYarny · 24/08/2024 22:36

OP all I can offer up is the words of Kate Scott from the famous Quora thread

“When I was at one of my (mentally) lowest points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by.
I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.
“What are you struggling with?” he asked.
I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.”
Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?”
I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it.
I wanted to have something more substantial.
Something more profound.
But I didn’t.
So I told him, “Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes.”
I felt like an idiot even saying it.
What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with actual problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes?
But he nodded in understanding and then said:
“Run the dishwasher twice.”
I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me.
“Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist.”
It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express.
That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times.
I felt like I had conquered a dragon.
The next day, I took a shower lying down.
A few days later, I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit.
There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again.
Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.
But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:
There are no rules.
Run the dishwasher twice.”

That’s great if you have a dishwasher. I actively avoid cooking because it involves washing up and more or less live on bananas, a variety of nuts, and ready made salads. I’ve even resorted to paper plates at times.

ThreeLocusts · 24/08/2024 22:59

OP sorry about your troubles. I find that making to-do lists really helps, even if you just list emails and phone calls and yes, brushing teeth.

Also, walks. Maybe you can walk with your husband? Does not have to be far. And have your thyroid checked and if possible medicated.

Kizzy192 · 24/08/2024 23:02

Be kind to yourself ❤️ you sound lovely, intelligent and kind.

Firstly, get back to the GP for bloods. I'm on levothyroxine and have similar feelings when my medication isn't right. The anxiety is almost unbearable. Ask them to check everything, and explain why.

Secondly, get on the wait list for counselling if you're not already. It's long so better to be on it sooner rather than later.

Next, weight loss. Being over weight can hugely impact confidence and health. I'm working on losing weight and I can only share what's working for me (2 stone down, slowly but surely).

  1. Walk more. I'm not doing any other exercise but walk every day.
  2. Replace 3 evening meals a week with a Huel. It's an initial investment, but it's really worked for me. I add a banana, strawberries or other fresh fruit for extra goodness.
The shakes also make me feel I'm getting the vitamins and minerals my body needs.
  1. Avoid too much sugar in the evening. Definitely my achilles heel and I absolutely haven't stopped eating yummy things, just made slightly better choices when I feel the need for sugar (using a kids bowl for my ice cream to reduce the portion size, fresh fruit and a few melted choc buttons, or mochi balls which are low cal, that kind of thing).

Re skincare, I would recommend starting with Inkey List. They have decent products with good ingredients, that don't cost the earth. Start with a basic cleanser and use it in the shower on your face (their oat cleansing balm is good for dry skin) and then get yourself a simple moisturiser (omega water cream might help). Put this on first thing in the morning and last thing at night, when you're doing your teeth or maybe keep it by your bed. Work up to adding an SPF and hyaluronic acid serum. SPF every morning that you're planning on leaving the house, serum every 2/3 days - but work up to it, no rush. Inkey List also do some hair treatments that may help.

Things I do to look after myself:

  • I shower every other day. Hair wash every other shower. If hair needs a pick up in between I use dry shampoo but usually it's ok.
  • I brush my teeth twice a day. I invested in a good toothbrush. I try to floss once a week.
  • I don't wear makeup every day, but I try to use Coco and Eve Face Tanning Micromist every couple of days and rub it in with a tanning mit. It just gives me a bit of colour but not a dodgy orange tan, so I feel a bit more put together with very minimal effort.
  • Every couple of weeks I cut and file my nails, and put a clear coat of varnish on. It's amazing how much better I feel about myself with some decent looking nails, but being clear varnish means I don't notice when it chips and keeps it a low maintenance job.

Also would recommend some 'self help' reading. When I have an anxiety attack I like to read through the reasons for the fight or flight reaction I feel, that kind of thing. Alsp some good books: why we eat (too much) by Dr Andrew Jenkinson, it didn't start with you by Mark Wolynn, atomic habits by james clear.

Small steps.

Midlifecareerchange · 24/08/2024 23:03

I haven't read all the posts but I was so touched by your OP and wanted to send some unmumsnetty love and best wishes. I hope you find some things here helpful over time. Don't rush to do them all though!

my top tip would be to try and cut the takeaways out and get your dh to cook but apologies if there's a reason he can't I haven't read it all.

SoManyTshirts · 24/08/2024 23:03

thicklysettled · 24/08/2024 22:12

You're not an idiot, you're very depressed. I hope you can feel some compassion for yourself. You and your health are absolutely worth investing in.

I'm sure others will be along for practical tips. Just one small thing at a time.

i make a list of everything on my to-do list and cross them off with a red pen when I do them. Gives me a little boost to cross them out.

I look very organised, but there are some things I struggle with. I do use the list for the routine things I struggle with, and it’s a good method.

If a long list seems overwhelming though, keep a journal instead. “I got up, had breakfast, washed up” can make me feel more in control and by mid afternoon I can see that I’ve achieved several small things. Takes me out of the “what have I been doing all day, waste of time” feeling.

InspectorDefect · 24/08/2024 23:05

You sound massively hypothyroid to me OP. The amount of Levothyroxine you take is according to your weight, so if you have put loads on, you will need more. Being hypothyroid will also make your hair fall out. You need to get bloods tested asap as this is probably why you're feeling so unwell and helpless. You will need to advocate for yourself because in my experience, GPs aren't very good at dealing with thyroid issues!

whyNotaNice · 24/08/2024 23:08

Shower and strong coffee ....then just dress cosy and read educational materials if you are home stay....ìf you work then just that

BloodandGlitter · 24/08/2024 23:09

I could have written your post. I'm not going to overwhelm you with tips and tricks just try the GoblinTools app, you put in your task and it breaks it down into little managable bites that you can do one at a time.

You've got this.

AliceMcK · 24/08/2024 23:14

O Op, as someone with chronic health issues who spent many years going through what you described, my advice is baby steps. Take one thing at a time to start work on and gradually add more things until you are in a good routine.

Little things I do that can help:

Open your windows, fresh air is extremely important!

use paper plates and cups - I can barley muster the energy to make meals ( I have 3 DCs) let alone cleaning, paper plates cuts out washing up. I will also serve food on paper napkins and throw away.

buy prepared food, bags of veg, rice and veg.. that take 3 mins in a microwave. Any food that can be cooked easy basically. Processed food can be just as bad as take away, especially with an under active thyroid, but it’s a pick a battle moment for me, getting in the habit of making something I can manage and then eventually moving from easy to a bit healthier was my choice. A pack of veg, ready made mash and a fried egg, super easy and better than a take away. A pack of veg, crack some eggs, pour on veg and make an omelet. I do find eggs easy meals, you can add and serve them with all sorts of healthy foods.

I use to moan about the cost of prepared fruit and veg and buy regular veg I needed to wash, cut and peel but it 99% of the time got wasted so it was actually cheaper buying the bag of lettuce, chopped apples and watermelon as I was actually eating them.

You don’t have to do this with every meal at first, pick one of 2 nights a week to start with. I personally feel so much better when I don’t eat anything processed, but it’s easy to say I won’t eat processed food than actually doing. I try at least 3 meals a week at the moment.

Introduce easy healthier bits to your meals that you’ve mastered. One of my first easy meals was a packet of golden veg rice, 4 min a microwave and add bits, chopped apple, goats cheese, walnuts, drizzle with honey. It’s a 5 min meal and yummy. You could add anything you like.

Also know what your triggers are with your thyroid. Nothing pisses me off more when someone tells me all my illnesses can be cured by eating more broccoli or immune boosting foods ggrrr I know what “healthy” foods have an adverse effect on me so know what I can and can’t introduce into my diet. There are plenty of support groups for thyroid issues around, especially on Facebook.

snacks are still my weak point as I don’t choose fruit unless I’m putting it in something. I could buy a massive load of fruit but still opt for a packet of crisps every time. I started keeping things like crackers in, I do like avocado on crackers but it’s getting round to the avocado. I started with just a bit of butter or jam on crackers then found some nice flavoured ones I liked plain. I gradually started to enjoy making up yummy toppings for them.

pick 1 thing a day to do, whether it’s shower, put a load of washing on, hoover…. As you grow stronger you can add more to the list. Today mine was hovering behind the beds and cupboards in my bedroom, I couldn’t remember the last time they were done. Just that one thing wipped me out. I was supposed to make a healthy family dinner but at 4.30 I was struggling getting out of bed so DH made something ultra processed and unhealthy but I didn’t care as I’d done a job that had been bugging me for months. I didn’t actually shower today, but that’s ok as all 3 DCs did and I will have no choice tomorrow as we have visitors which will force me to shower.

Treat yourself, even if money is tight. What’s your focus, your hair, skin? One month buy something to make that part of you feel good. It dosnt have to cost a fortune. I use L’oreal or Nivea for most things. Both can be bought cheap. I learnt to start taking care of my skin during covid, I was at my heaviest and worse medically then ( I’m nearly 49) I now cleanse, tone and moisturise daily, I take 10 min morning and evening to do it. My hair I’m lucky, I started looking after it before getting ill, but even now I can’t afford a hair appointment, usually I’d go 2/3 months but it’s been almost 5 now, anyway I keep my hair in a style and colour that I can maintain if I’m unable to go to the hair dresser.

My cousin uses caffeine shampoo from homebargins, she has an under active thyroid too and struggles with her hair, she swears by it.

Also find something that you can try on your hair colour wise. I use the Wella colour fresh masks, you just put them in your hair like shampoo and comb through for 15/20 mins before washing. I’ve got one left over I’m going to use until I can get my hair done properly.

If your DH is supportive and wants to help you, let him. Find some healthy activities, recipes to do together. Tell him you need help with the house what you want from him.

I’ve gone from a 22+ to size 16/18 in 2 years. Mostly it’s been due to weight loss injections that I’ve been on and off, but it’s also been down to getting my medications right and the times I’m off the injections trying my best to maintain some good habits. One of the first things I was able to cut out with the injections was coke, now even Diet Coke tastes too sweet. I’ve been off the injections for 2 months and some old cravings have come back but I’m really working on satisfying them in a healthier way. I hit the coke craving with a can of Diet Coke today, just 1 can, in the past I’d have had a dozen cans of Coke Zero.

The thing is, if you relapse that’s fine, just start again. Make a list of what you want, set realistic goals, don’t expect too much of yourself. If you exceed your goals amazing, if you don’t reach them straight away that’s fine, you then know you just have to give yourself a little bit longer to reach them.

AzureBlue99 · 24/08/2024 23:15

Buy a big tub of Nivea Soft and use it as an all over moisturiser so that you don't get overwhelmed with products - this can do face, body, hands and feet.

Micellar water to cleanse face, just a quick and simple swipe.

Brush your teeth twice a day.

Use deodorant every day.

Stay hydrated - limit caffeine and alcohol and sugary drinks.

Change underwear every day.

Walk and stretch everyday - start small.

Do for a month and then introduce more changes.

Offcom · 24/08/2024 23:19

Get a copy of The Life Changing Magic of Tidying, read it and embark on a tidying festival.

I had such a boost in mood after I KonMarie-d my clothes (in a day!).

Maybe you could promise yourself you’ll at least get that one category done and see how you feel afterwards.

Another idea that might’ve been mentioned here already is to look into weight loss injections if that’s something you could afford?

MissMoan · 24/08/2024 23:25

Celebrate every step, no matter how small.
Delight in the bigger steps - like creating this post!
Good luck to you @SoftLittleBunnyRabbit

Boozysoozy1 · 24/08/2024 23:25

Hi OP, haven’t RTFT but brushing your teeth in the morning and evening would be my small but essential thing to make you feel good

PouthSark · 24/08/2024 23:25

Have you tried showering at night instead of first thing? I find the sensation much more overwhelming in the morning and it deters me from getting up if I know I have to have a shower! I love getting into bed all clean.

MovingBird123 · 24/08/2024 23:25

Walk outside everyday. Does wonders for my mental health, and keeps me in some shape. Also means I need to get out of pyjamas - we are very much a pyjamas unless we need to go out family...

Also, evening shower before bed everyday without fail.

PotatoPie111 · 24/08/2024 23:26

It sounds like your thyroid is low. Doctors will sometimes treat the numbers and not the symptoms so really push.
Make sure you are taking multivitamins - especially make sure you have a high dose vitamin d and vitamin c.
If you are low exercise won’t help just now. But get some fresh air.
Set yourself a bedtime and stick to it.
Buy some healthier meals, things you can have with some salad maybe. Low effort foods until you are sorted. Good snacks that aren’t rubbish. Plan it all in.
Do a list every day. Some days it will be not much, some days more. The basic will be eat, clean teeth, wash, change clothes. Add onto that.

Tuesday make a doctors appointment though. Having an under active thyroid is sit though if it’s not treated right.