To feel embarrassed but ask you anyway to teach me, a grown woman, how to look after myself, please?

[SoftLittleBunnyRabbit]

When I say teach, I mean the very basics. At least to start of with.

I am almost 36 years old and I find even the most simple of tasks a huge unsurmountable burden . I took a shower today for the first time in 6 days. I haven't had a haircut since 2022. I ordered takeaway again today because going shopping and cooking nutritious meals feels like the equivalent of climbing mount Everest. I just feel exhausted, anxious and stressed over stupid things all the time and keep bursting into tears because I feel like shit, life is hard and I'm just not worth investing any time/money/care in.

The situation is:

• I have depression and increasingly bad anxiety which I'm medicated for
• I have an under active thyroid which I'm medicated for but it has made lots of my hair fall out and it never grew back so my hair is very thin on top
• I constantly eat crappy food and I need to lose 10 stone. My body is struggling because I am so heavy.
• I have very dry, red skin and want to sort out a skincare routine in theory, but in reality I don't feel like I'm worth spending any money on
• childhood trauma and history of SH as a teen
• no kids but have a DH who is worried about me and tries his best to help.

I just don't know where to start and have tears in my eyes writing this. Please tell me the most basic things I can start with to look after myself and become healthier. Talk to me as if I am an idiot (because I am) and tell me small, manageable steps I can take. Like, what is the first thing you do in the morning that I can do that won't be too overwhelming?

I have a little notebook here to write down all your suggestions so I can keep it with me and read it when I need to.

Hi OP

I don’t want to just read and run. You are not an idiot. You sound very kind, empathetic and extremely self aware, the world of could use more of all of this.

You have had so much great advice I don’t have much to add except to emphasises the point about not trying up change or do to much at one time.

Pick one thing, start doing it every day until it just becomes a habit. Then add in another thing, and then another. So that you’re then stacking all these habits up. The little changes will then become big changes

Truly wishing you all the luck in the world and please update us in a few months time. The best is yet to come and you can do this.

● Get some medicated cream on prescription for your skin OP it will save you spending and will treat your dry skin much better
● Get a hair cut, I also have thin hair on top and shorter hair looks better and is much more manageable day to day
● use a tinted moisturer on your face/body (I use this after my medicated dry skin cream has dried in & it doesn't cause any issues) it will give you a lovely glow/tan. I use Dove Holiday Skin
● Have your eyebrows waxed and/or tinted
● try and get some walking outdoors, I've never been one for the gym but do a walk as often as I can outside in the fresh air

I don't know if any of this is helpful but it's what I do to keep myself feeling good day to day,, sending you a big hug x

Well done OP. Posting on here is the first step. You can go forwards from this now. Same advice as many others have suggested - just pick one thing to start doing as of tomorrow.

Personally, I'd start with two things.

1. make the bed.
2. Flannel wipe all over.

you sound like a lovely person by the way. 😀Good luck!

Darling you are precious in your being, no matter the mountain of problems. You can change your life one little action at a time. Every little step counts. No little effort is wasted. Draw strength from all of us cheering you on, and keep starting again, over and over. You will get to a good place. Lots of love.

"I'm just not worth investing any time/money/care in"

Well, look at all the comments from the lovely people on here who think you are absolutely worth it.

Be kind to yourself and start with tiny steps, no wonder you're overwhelmed if you feel you have to 'fix' everything at once.

Take the advice of all the wise women of MN, and take a huge hug and 💐from me.

You are so worth it xxx

Lots of great advice here but wanting to say it's brilliant you understand what you want to change and what the issues are. That's the first step in starting the change. Baby steps, one day at a time.

1 - you're not an idiot, you're overwhelmed.
2 - on Tuesday morning (blumming bank holiday) ring your GP and arrange an appointment to talk about how you are feeling and what they can do to support you.
💜

Bless you.

You aren't an idiot and you are worthy of love and self love!

I have pretty rubbish skin. The best things I've found for it is a double cleanse. I use the inky lists oat cleansing balm and then just water based nivea cleanser (or any cheap cleanser). Cosrx snail mucin is bloody brilliant. You could use the cream as a moisteriser and a little goes a long way.

I find the best way to start the day is straight from bed into the shower before doing anything. It wakes you up and ready to start the day.

I have ADHD and I have struggled in some areas. I'm 42 now and only now getting my house, my skin and my weight in order.

Going on mounjaro is the best decision I've ever made. I've lost 2 stone in 10 weeks. I recommend it to anyone struggling with their weight.

You are not an idiot - it’s actually not that difficult to fall into a situation like this. Trauma does make it much harder to look after yourself.

I would focus on diet first. Can you subscribe to Hello Fresh (or similar) and then you and dh together cook the meals? That way it’s not like climbing a mountain - someone else has planned the receive and sent the ingredients and controlled the portion for you. It does take a bit of time to cook, but is much easier than doing everything by yourself.

If you can get some control of that, other things will get easier. So it’s worth tackling that first as you’ll get the most bang for your buck compared to everything else - and it’s easier to make one change at a time than to try and tackle a load of stuff.

There's a woman who does a blog and a book I think called struggle care - might be worth a look. Food - buy vacuum packed or tinned mackerel - really good for you and one of the tastiest things that requires almost no preparation (so long as you like fish). Or a packet of chicken legs/breasts etc. Can be eaten cold straight from the packet as can soup (from a tin). Soup is actually very tasty cold and is better for you than takeaways. There's a Baxter's soup (green lentil and something) that contains 3 servings of veg - I used to buy loads of it and try to get some easy veg in and make up the rest in baby tomatoes and apples etc.

Eh sorry but where the hell do you get off bullying yourself? How dare you. You are not worthless, you are not stupid and you damn well better start treating yourself with kindness. You’d not bully another person, you don’t get to do it to yourself either.

Hey,

Lots about your post in can relate to. I’ve not read all the comments but things that have helped me:

-skin - pay for skin+me if if you can. I’ve faffed around and spent so much money on skincare over the years then don’t commit, becomes cluttered etc. with S+M it’s so easy, can even buy moisturiser etc from them, however I use The Ordinary moisturiser as I prefer it.

-hair - I also am very thin on top, and my tip is use root spray, I use L’Oréal but Clairol one is good too. I’ve also used brown eyeshadow in a pinch. Just colours in your scalp a bit. My tip is hold a tail comb over your parting when you spray so you can still see the scalp on your parting, looks more natural. Can be pricey so I don’t do it every day but it’s cheaper than the hair fibres (will probably have a hairdresser telling me how bad it is etc but currently works for me!). if you feel a bit frazzled but don’t have time to do your hair, I blast mines with the hairdryer then use the revlon hot brush thing just to give it some shape at the ends. Not ‘styled’ but it definitely makes it suitable to leave the house with!

-clothes - get your colours done. I used Style me happy and was the best money I’ve ever spent. Found what works for me, sold what doesn’t on vinted and used the money u made to buy myself some more clothes that I love. Can still be trial and error but I feel much more ‘me’ again than I ever have. They do vouchers so you could always ask for it for a birthday or Christmas gift?

-move your body!!! Can be a walk, yoga or just some gentle stretching. Also get outside every day, even if only for 10 mins. See blue sky and grass, helps your nervous system. Depends on where you live but I realised last year being by the sea really helps reset me when I’m anxious. So when life’s getting on top of me a bit, it’s wellies on and a cup of tea and a walk along the beach. The wind blows the cobwebs out and helps you think clearly.

-tidy home, tidy mind. Be ruthless on what’s taking up space in your environment, sell what you don’t need on fb marketplace or vinted, or give to charity shops. You don’t need loads of fancy cleaning products, fairy liquid does far more than you’d think! And unless the clothes are new, most things can be shoved in the washing machine together with a fairy pod without separating, particularly if synthetic, so don’t stress about separating colours. Anything that makes life a bit easier! Also don’t bother ironing, I haven’t in years. Bought a clothes steamer and the difference feels mad, no longer feel overwhelmed by the thought of ironing!

I’m aware for a lot of this it’s about money, but you don’t need to do all of it, it’s just what worked to make me feel more like me, and in control. More to life than looks but do what makes you feel better. It’s important to get to know yourself and what you need. I always thought I was quite extroverted then during the lockdowns I realised I liked my own company, and now I’m very aware when I’ve been around people for too long I need a day at home to recover.

You may need to be assessed for neurodivergent conditions such as adhd but the waiting times are awful so you will still need things to help in the meantime, hopefully at least one thing offered on this entire comment thread helps, and lets you know you’re not alone. You’ve got this!!

When I was about fourteen there was a point where I'd got myself in to back in to all kinds of pretty serious trouble; with the care system in general, with the latest school I got expelled from, with the court and with the police.. Felt like the end of the world was nigh, was completely overwhelmed, I said to one staff at the home "What do I do? How do I get out of this, where do I even start?" [SPOILER: I didn't get out of any of it, ended up back in Borstal] and what he said has always stuck with me:

"How do you eat an elephant? With a teaspoon".

It's a true statement, a fact; if you have to eat an entire elephant, you're gonna need a teaspoon. Picture it - if someone plops an elephant sized and shaped pork pie in front of you and says you can't go back out to play until you've eaten all your dinner, you'd just give up and go straight to bed, wouldn't you? It's clearly not possible, it can't be done, so why would anyone waste time and effort trying? Trying and failing will make you feel way worse than not trying and just sticking to the status quo, so it's a no brainer at that point.

But I bet you could manage just one single teaspoon of Nelly, couldn't you? Just one, then walk away, forget about it, do everything else today the same as you normally would.

I bet you could manage another teaspoon full tomorrow too, then do the same thing and walk away till the next day.

Keep plugging away at it, and by the end of the week you might be able to manage two teaspoons a day. By the end of the month you might be up to three or four. That's all though - as long as you eat your four teaspoons worth it doesn't matter if you spend the rest of the day in bed, just do your spoonful's.

Sooner or later you'll start to hit milestones, like when you've finished both of the ears (better make this an Indian elephant sized pork pie!) which will build your motivation even more, and help you power through those days where you just really do not want to eat any of it at all.

Then eventually, one day, much sooner than you're expecting it, you'll walk in to the kitchen with your little teaspoon - and you'll be stood there like a dickhead looking all confused trying to figure out where the fcuk the elephant went.

Then it'll dawn on you - you did it. YOU did it - you did the impossible thing, you've eaten the whole entire elephant, with your little teaspoon. You'll feel like you're ten feet tall and bulletproof, and you'll find yourself looking around for other challenges to take on with that little spoon, just one bite at a time - like aeroplanes, or skyscrapers...

<strong><span class="underline">  </span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span><span class="underline">_</span>_</strong>

So I'm a bit typed out now and have run out of steam, sorry...
Look up S.M.A.R.T. goals, make tiny, teaspoon sized changes that are easy and sustainable, write everything down, have an "accountability buddy" - DH perhaps - look at some light and fluffy general purpose CBT, I think group CBT would be brilliant for you. Remember to have fun and enjoy the process, you're doing it because you want to, to make things nicer for yourself, not because someone told you to or you have to. Don't set the bar too high. Write it all down.

There's more, I'll come back to this tomorrow maybe, but my fingers are about to fall off.

You have absolutely got this @SoftLittleBunnyRabbit, everything is gonna be fine, I can promise you that.

Frogpole out.

I have just one piece of advice.

Observe yourself.

At what times in the day are your lowest points? When are you feeling stronger, or more energetic? If you go to bed a little earlier, does anything shift?

Choose just one new thing and time it so that it coincides with that time of day when you feel a little stronger.

Skincare - I just use a medicated soap followed by Simple moisturiser. Cheap & effective.

Exercise - just the word puts me off! But the trick is to do whatever you can on any given day, & make it something you enjoy. The tiniest bit of exercise can have a huge effect on your mood, so it's worth trying. Take a walk with your lovely DH, or learn to dance from one of the many videos on youtube & just dance in private, in whatever way makes you feel good & to whatever music you love that has a good rhythm that's easy to dance to. It doesn't have to look great, it only has to make you feel happy. How about gardening? It gets you moving without really noticing because you're thinking about something else. And Pilates is great though I'd recommend finding a good teacher so you get into good habits from the start; but this may be something for later on.

Food - check out supermarket ready-made salads, coleslaw, cold meat, fruit portions in packs etc. There's a lot of stuff out there which you can just chuck into a trolley without meal planning, & then just take what you fancy out of your fridge at mealtimes. Also fresh ready-made soup & garlic bread (Tesco do a great frozen one) for when you feel like warming up soup & putting the bread in the oven. Plus the very occasional cream cake or whatever as a treat.

Get The active 10 app and try to build up to 10 mins walking a day. It doesn’t have to be brisk just there. Build up to brisk” slowly.

Hello, you've just taken the first step by coming on here, well done!
Lots of good advice already...
I would agree a daily shower/teethbrush is a must, a routine which can only make you feel better, and a visit to GP as soon as you can to make sure your meds are OK and to help you start to lose weight with a sensible diet.
Lots of moisturiser on your clean face and again before bed, perhaps one for sensitive skin, and try Amazon if you don't want to go shopping for it. Amazon Fresh for groceries delivery maybe. Good luck, love.

Hi OP. I agree with all previous posters that suggest small increments to avoid being totally overwhelmed. The first, in my opinion would be to treat yourself with kindness. You are not an idiot, you wrote a perfectly intelligent post. If a friend came to you with a problem you wouldn't feel badly about them or call them names extend that grace to yourself.

Lovely you don’t have things easy.

I’m over weight too and the extra weight is exhausting. These things help me

• drink loads of water
• choose one meal at a time to improve, pinch of nom books are good
• little snack food, I have children and one eats little and often so some snacks are needed
• vitamins
• exercise
• morning and evening routines for getting ready, nothing complicated so bed is wee, teeth brushing, face wash and face cream

I'd start with a hair cut. You say your hair is thin on top, so a good haircut should take care of that. Just phone a hairdresser and make an appointment for a cut and blow dry. You will feel and look much better and then can move onto the other things on your list.

@SoftLittleBunnyRabbit I couldn’t read and not reply. I think the best way to start is to create a very basic daily routine and stick to it for at least two weeks before adding to it.

get up time
breakfast
shower
……
add essential day time stuff
…
dinner
wash dishes
wind down
bed

once you can stick to this it will create structure to your time use. It will also make it easier for your DH to support you.

Then start adding very little things to it at a rate you can handle. If it gets too much then go back to the very basic schedule you started on day one.

You need counselling and outside support but sometimes this can be very difficult to initiate when you’re rock bottom and it can also be very confronting to face trauma when you’re struggling this much.

On a personal level I wouldn’t focus on the weight loss just now. It’s too long term and can be very disheartening. Focus on something very small like “I will walk at least ten minutes per day”.

Remember you are worth this effort.

OP, I haven't read this very long thread, but one thing that helped me a lot in depression was to say to myself: You don't have to want to do this, you don't have to think you deserve to do this, you just have to do it. That was for showers, teeth, putting on clean clothes that fit.

Try to think of small, easy things that make a big difference: A shower takes 5 mins. Cleaning your teeth takes 2 minutes.

Can you pick up some vitamins - iron tonic, Vitamin D and B complex can help with exhaustion and depression. And Biotin for hair and nails.

Something is always better than nothing. If you just stretch and windmill your arms or stand up and sit down from a dining chair a few times (an assisted squat) while the kettle boils that is better than no exercise. If you rotate your ankles and flex your feet while watching TV that is better than nothing.

Try and do loads of really small, super easy things. Put a pot of soothing cream, maybe aqueous cream with calamine, near you when you watch TV and just rub it into your arms or legs or chest to soothe your dry red skin. Put a water glass by the sink and fill it and drink from it every time you are near the sink. Add a steamed veg to any meal you cook.

Oh honey, you are amazingly brave to post this.

I agree with PP if you can get out to a haircut it will flop the first switch

I leave some nice face wipes by my bed so each morning I can freshen my face, it moves me to get up and shower

Could you start by drinking a bottle of water each morning?

Tiny steps still make the journey

OP I wonder if you are reading these tips? Lots of great suggestions, but perhaps overwhelming

Perhaps best to pick one or two, and try them

Rome wasn't built in a day

Brighter days ahead for you, I hope x

When you said about the shower I thought, "depression", and then you said it.

Set yourself targets. You had a shower after 6 days. You did it, you showered. Celebrate every little success. Start with doing three things a week, you have had a shower, tick that off and try to think of two more.

Does your husband cook? Can you get him meal planning for you?

If you are eating crap you need better nutrition, ideally from food but a daily multivitamin would help.

Are you working?

My local council does meals on wheels for anyone who wants them, cheaper than a take away and fairly well balanced. It is not gourmet but fills a gap. Have a look at yours they might do the same.