To feel embarrassed but ask you anyway to teach me, a grown woman, how to look after myself, please?

[SoftLittleBunnyRabbit]

When I say teach, I mean the very basics. At least to start of with.

I am almost 36 years old and I find even the most simple of tasks a huge unsurmountable burden . I took a shower today for the first time in 6 days. I haven't had a haircut since 2022. I ordered takeaway again today because going shopping and cooking nutritious meals feels like the equivalent of climbing mount Everest. I just feel exhausted, anxious and stressed over stupid things all the time and keep bursting into tears because I feel like shit, life is hard and I'm just not worth investing any time/money/care in.

The situation is:

• I have depression and increasingly bad anxiety which I'm medicated for
• I have an under active thyroid which I'm medicated for but it has made lots of my hair fall out and it never grew back so my hair is very thin on top
• I constantly eat crappy food and I need to lose 10 stone. My body is struggling because I am so heavy.
• I have very dry, red skin and want to sort out a skincare routine in theory, but in reality I don't feel like I'm worth spending any money on
• childhood trauma and history of SH as a teen
• no kids but have a DH who is worried about me and tries his best to help.

I just don't know where to start and have tears in my eyes writing this. Please tell me the most basic things I can start with to look after myself and become healthier. Talk to me as if I am an idiot (because I am) and tell me small, manageable steps I can take. Like, what is the first thing you do in the morning that I can do that won't be too overwhelming?

I have a little notebook here to write down all your suggestions so I can keep it with me and read it when I need to.

Erm… wow this is just meant to be some friendly helpful advice for the OP… I didn’t actually mean it as literal advice to go out and buy a dishwasher or to cast judgement on those that don’t have one… it was meant as more of an allegory about freeing yourself from internal rules and expectations when you’re severely struggling with depression or any other health condition… as you said you use paper plates because it removes the need to wash up, which is exactly what Kate Scott’s story is getting at…

Haha, crosspost snap. I love digesting the day in the shower then getting into a bed that stays clean...

I get up, go downstairs, put the kettle on and make a cup of tea. I do the Wordle whilst drinking it, I find it a nice thing to focus on for a few minutes. Then I have some toast with something on it, clean my teeth, wash my face, moisturise and get dressed.

Easy things that help me feel better generally are: walking, listening to music, gardening.

Think of some healthy, easy meals you like beforehand and just shop for those ingredients, or send your husband out to get them.

Your post could have been written by me, 10 years ago. 10 stone overweight, depression and anxiety, bad hair loss (especially on top), reddened skin, can’t be bothered to cook healthy meals… I don’t have a DH and have a DS instead but otherwise we could be twins.

I’m still 2 stone overweight (still losing) and still suffer from anxiety and depression but what helped me was accepting I’m lazy ( or the depression causes lack of motivation) and that I need to make TINY changes. Never mind what other people can do, it’s about what I can manage. So:

I have androgenic alopecia and the best hair care tip for balding women - get it all cut off (seriously) . You want a pixie cut that’s only about 2-3 inches max and so doesn’t weigh your hair down. Easy to care for as short enough to not really need to bother with conditioner or much (if any) product and can easily move the parting/ brush it forward to hide the worst of the thinning. If you do have the energy then dying it a couple of shades lighter than your natural hair colour or getting highlights also really helps hide thinning (but to be honest I can’t be bothered with the monthly/bi- monthly maintenance so I don’t do it anymore - I’m greying now too which also helps it look thicker).

Skincare - all in ones are your friend. I use a combined gentle cleanser/exfoliator suitable for rosacea and acne prone skin (Purifide ph control face wash) in the evenings to get any dirt off. Then sunblock/moisteriser for rosacea or acne prone skin in the mornings after usually just washing my face with water (Hero Force Shield spf 30- but you might need a separate moisturiser as my skin is combo rather than dry). That’s it- my face skincare is literally 2 steps but my face looks so much better for it.

Meals - accept you hate cooking and do as little as possible. If I can’t cook it on the hob/microwave in only a few minutes then I can’t be bothered. Instead focus on making healthier choices on what you eat. Typical meals for me are adding cinnamon to (kefir) plain yogurt with some nuts/seeds and cut up fruit for breakfast, cheese and veg omelette or a ready made salad for lunch and meat/fish with vegetables stir fry for dinner or a bowl of tinned soup with added veg. Veg is usually frozen, sauces are store bought, everything has to be as quick as I can get it. Puddings are usually more whole fruit, or very dark (85%) choc - combined with a handful of unsalted nuts to limit the blood sugar raise. 1 or 2 Nakd bars if needed on the go/ if I can’t sit down to a meal. No food is really banned if I fancy it but I try to limit my carbs if I can and also the sweet/junk treat to once a day (and pay more to only buy one bag of crisps or one cake etc as if it’s a multipack I’ll want to eat 2 or 3). It honestly gets easier to keep going once you see the weight coming off each week.

Mental health- still ongoing for me and I’m on meds too, but if you can find a good mindfulness group in the community then I find that useful, as well as listening to mindfulness programs (like a body scan) on you tube if I’m struggling to sleep - but you might have to listen to a few to find someone whose voice suits you.

HTH, and things get better for you soon x

One thing at a time-every day MAKE YOUR BED once you are out of it. This small achievement will set your day up positively. 1% better every day is your goal not trying to deal with all the things you mentioned. Next thing MAKE A SHORT LIST OF DINNERS YOU LIKE. You don't need to cook them yet, just make a list: cheese on toast, omelette, pizza all fine. Then later on commit to cooking one of them once a week. 1% better all the time x

Have a look at the Finch App, its a self-care app and you can add goals for your day, start off small and then add more when you're ready.

I was going to post exactly the same advice @starsky22!

I would start with the very basics:

• food. It’s fuel for your body and you won’t work well without it. Do a food shop online or make a list of basic foodstuff and get your DH to go and do the shop. Bags of veggies, eggs, youvhurts, tinned tuna, porridge oats, fruit. And eat some of these items 3 times a day at regular intervals.

• buy yourself some lovely shower gel and moisturiser and start using it a minimum of whatever you can manage; 2 or 3 times a week.

You are not alone in feeling as you do; know this will pass. I’d also recommend reading or listening to audio version of ‘tiny beautiful things’ by Cheryl Strayed. Big hug for you op x

Firstly you should be proud that you have recognised what you want to do and asked for advice here. That in itself is a really forward step. Next, small steps, you want to change a lot in your life from your post and that is great but it's too tiring, hard to manage at once. The suggestion about getting out first thing in the morning for fresh air is great, even in wind or rain throw on a jacket and just get out for 15 mins. I take my tea in a flask and stick on a funny podcast. Sometimes I just sit on a bench and watch people walking their dogs. Food wise, sometimes a simple roast chicken breast or piece of fish with roasted leftover veg does the trick, simple and healthy. I do think you should start by only doing two things a day to begin with. It's a great goal to want to lose 10 stone if you need to but that is such a big goal, better to break it down. Honestly, fresh air, light walking, good sleep and some healthy food is key. If you try it for a week you might find that you will want to continue with that path

@justanothermumsy I started the make your bed after Winter and what a difference it made! It was like an automatic click that made me feel ready for the day

I also agree with nighttime showering. It tires me out.

I forgot add - ask around for a mobile hairdresser. Ask on Facebook local pages. It’s so much less overwhelming for a hairdresser to come to your home I find. You can wash your hair and have it damp before they come and it’s then just the cut to do.

Drink half a pint of water first thing in the morning.

You have already started, because you want to make improvements. It will be hard work before you see any, so youn will need to persevere. I’d start with your diet. No more takeaways, readymeals or high processed foods. No matter how tempting. This will reduce the toxic, hormone disregulating additives in your food and help you lose weight. Even if it is tiring, try each day to be a little bit active. As well as improving muscle tone and weight loss, it will also improve your hormone balance. Stop feeling low. Start focussing on and celebrating every achievement.

Set alarm across the room so you have to get out of bed to turn it off.
Walk to bathroom
Brush teeth
Look in mirror.
Say 3 positive affirmations aloud, 3 times each. With conviction!
Wipe face with flannel or shower, even just for 2 mins.
If in shower, rub all over with nicely scented body wash.
Positive visualisation of water washing away worries.
Get out.
Dry yourself and cover in body lotion.
Moisturise face.
Brush hair.
Get dressed.
Simple breakfast. A few nuts and fruit if you can't prep.
Get into outside daylight asap.
Do a few stretches in garden or on return in house.
That's a good start to the morning.
Add one step a day.

I think you need to look at the quality of the food you are eating and try to make some changes there, as a better diet will help you to loose weight, and bring about physical and mental health benefits. As a knock on effect on your skin will improve. Baby steps. Can you manage an online grocery shop if you cant face going out? I would recommend a low carb approach, so meat, veg, dairy, keep it very simple, enlist your husbands help, see if he is willing to adopt this way of eating. Lots of resources online and low carb threads on here to guide you. Every journey starts with a single step, the very best of luck.

Looks like you're getting lots of good advice in here OP.

I'm sorry you are experiencing anxiety and depression but you are far from alone. During a nasty divorce many years ago that wrecked my confidence in managing myself and my life, as well as triggering a depressive episode I read a great book by Charles Duhigg called the Power of Habit. I started with something small everyday - making my bed when I got up and it made me feel a bit better. This became a cornerstone habit that went on to trigger other positive habits.

Like you, I kept a notebook of ideas and I still have it today - it's good to look back to see how far I've come from that one thing. And you will too.

Start with one thing. Read Charle's book if you are so inclined. Good luck my dear.

I would write down a bunch of things that would combine to make you feel better. Grade them in accordance with difficulty - quick wins vs lifestyle change. Then chose just one of those to have a go at making a habit of.
personally I would start with nutrition because that should lift your mood too. Just aim to cook 1 meal well initially. If that sounds too much though, choose a quick win activity instead.
once you’ve started a habit you can move into the next thing on your list.
I follow this guy on instagram who talks about living life purposefully. Sometimes that purpose is really small like doing the washing up he’s put off, or sometimes it’s bigger like trying a new hobby. But he’s already doing something purposeful rather than the days just escaping him.

Go to a private thyroid doc who will get your condition properly stabilised, because you have lots of symptoms - anxiety, hair loss, dry skin, difficulty losing weight - that suggest you're either not on a high enough dose, or that you have problems with converting from T4 to T3. You may need alternatives to feel properly well. I would treat this as your first priority.

Thanks, I apologise. I didn’t mean to sound critical. I realise it was probably written in the USA where dishwashers are standard and it has actually helped me to do absolutely all the dishes tonight, dry them and put them away. Perhaps I need to use more paper plates.

What I do, because batch cooking is too overwhelming, is buy ready made salads, healthy ready meals, protein drinks, and get one ready meal out of the freezer each night so it’s defrosted for the following evening, Breakfast is a milky coffee and a banana, lunch is a protein shake and a few handfuls of nuts, then a ready meal or ready made salad in the evening. I’m a good cook but since menopause I don’t have the energy to wash up and so Hello Fresh wouldn’t work for me.

Recent I make myself go out, rain or shine, to post a letter or a birthday card or postcard every day because it’s 20 minutes to the postbox and back. On a good day I walk back from town and get 5000 steps in.

I’m glad OP has started this thread because I thought it was just me feeling so stuck and berating myself for being lazy, when I’m single, work long hours, burned out and menopausal. OP, you are not alone with this. Doing it all with a health condition is impossible, so just do what you can.

So sorry you are going through all of that OP. When I had a breakdown from very bad untreated depression linked to PTSD I also struggled. I struggled to even move or walk across the room, it was the depression as it’s an awful illness. It takes hold of you and everything it tells you is never true, it’s hard to describe to people who have never had it.

I have memories, my hair gets very matted as not straight, of crawling to the en-suite and sitting in the shower just so I was slightly clean. I’d then just about have enough strength if I used all my willpower whilst sobbing to get back to bed and get clean pjs on. That was a very good day.

Start very very small the small steps do work in time. I love nature so the small steps for me would be try to get myself to the bedroom window so I could see the tree outside or to open the window to hear a bird. Next stage try to get myself downstairs to see the garden and a flower and so on. Those tiny wee steps moved me forwards and focussing on the other things not me worked. Then I might be able to manage a cup of tea then maybe a sandwich and so on. I think nature probably helps all of us as it’s the looking outside of ourselves that helps.

My huge breakdown was 6 years ago now. I still have bad days. But things have improved drastically and they will do for you too. You are brave and you can get through this even if you don’t feel like you can.

self refer yourself for talking therapy once you are up to it, I had CBT. A very very long wait but helped me enormously with the anxiety. I’m still working on the ptsd, my trauma being from my younger days and abuse.

Firstly a big hug xx

For me, I would have a .5 litre jar or bottle of water by the bed and drink that when you wake up. Before or after a wee :) Then get back into bed for 10 mins and listen to a feel good visualisation/meditation to help you start the day the right way (I recommend Great Meditation on YouTube - a woman with a really lovely voice - self love is one of the topics, but there are others). There's lots of good advice here and assuming you've sought medical help, then maybe just choose one or two things that you feel you can manage to begin with and do those for 21 days before adding anything else. It gives you enough time for you into the habit of the extras and can stop overwhelm.

Just being brave enough to write this on here is awesome. You are amazing and never forget that. ❤

You've had so many good tips on here so I don't have anything to add but don't be embarrassed this stuff is so common it's just most people don't talk about it, you've been so brave to post this. I wish you all the best you will get there xx

I agree, small steps. Your depression is causing this. You are ill. Be kind to yourself. Always.
Starting the day with a drink, tea, coffee,water is a good idea.
Make a list for the day, make it small, for example:
Make a drink.
Have breakfast.
Shopping.
That was my list yesterday. I managed the first two. When you come to a stop renegotiate the list with your self. I sent out for groceries and ordered food in for dinner.
There are no right or wrong answers so long as you eat. You absolutely need to stop judging your self. Remember that it is a disease process. You need love and support not anonymous judges. You have to commit to not judging yourself. When things are terribly bad there are online and telephone resources that you can tap into. You can self refer. Just put support with depression into Google and they'll pop up. I would recommend that you contact your gp and set up an appointment to ask for help with the depression and with concerns with your weight. Then stop worrying about that and go through the process of getting the help and support. It will be a massive relief (it was for me) to know that help is on the way. Tell your hubby specifically how he could help. Could he make that cuppa? Sit and talk through your day, what needs to happen etc. A walk in the fresh air? Just ten minutes even? Or sit in the garden when the weather is fine? It helps many just to keep the day flowing and for loved ones to look in on you or call you, doesn't matter if you only talk about the price of eggs, just the human contact is important. I wish you well and hope that you make a step or two along the journey to healing and feeling a bit better. One step at a time. Anyone who cares about you will want to help and respect your wishes. I hope this weekend will bring positive steps and a bit of sunshine to cheer you, remember break everything down in to small steps and doable parts and it doesn't matter how long that takes, if something is times dependent ask your husband if he can help with that. I'm sure he'll want to stand along side you and support you whenever he can. All the best and update us from time to time. Rooting for you.🌻

You are not an idiot. You are ill.

Everyone has made fantastic suggestions. But I think the first thing you need to do is repeat that to yourself regularly. Would you castigate yourself for not being able to walk due to two broken legs?

You read like an intelligent woman who has had the terrible luck to become unwell. That could happen to any of us.

Listen to president barklett! Another contributer here. Well said president...