To feel embarrassed but ask you anyway to teach me, a grown woman, how to look after myself, please?

[SoftLittleBunnyRabbit]

When I say teach, I mean the very basics. At least to start of with.

I am almost 36 years old and I find even the most simple of tasks a huge unsurmountable burden . I took a shower today for the first time in 6 days. I haven't had a haircut since 2022. I ordered takeaway again today because going shopping and cooking nutritious meals feels like the equivalent of climbing mount Everest. I just feel exhausted, anxious and stressed over stupid things all the time and keep bursting into tears because I feel like shit, life is hard and I'm just not worth investing any time/money/care in.

The situation is:

• I have depression and increasingly bad anxiety which I'm medicated for
• I have an under active thyroid which I'm medicated for but it has made lots of my hair fall out and it never grew back so my hair is very thin on top
• I constantly eat crappy food and I need to lose 10 stone. My body is struggling because I am so heavy.
• I have very dry, red skin and want to sort out a skincare routine in theory, but in reality I don't feel like I'm worth spending any money on
• childhood trauma and history of SH as a teen
• no kids but have a DH who is worried about me and tries his best to help.

I just don't know where to start and have tears in my eyes writing this. Please tell me the most basic things I can start with to look after myself and become healthier. Talk to me as if I am an idiot (because I am) and tell me small, manageable steps I can take. Like, what is the first thing you do in the morning that I can do that won't be too overwhelming?

I have a little notebook here to write down all your suggestions so I can keep it with me and read it when I need to.

You’re not an idiot, you’ve written a very cogent and interesting post. This sounds like your depression talking.

Like a PP said, maybe pick one thing at a time. Do you think you could manage a shower or even a bath, every day? Very very basic self care is good for us.

My other suggestion is, do you have a garden? Or live near a park? Try and get outside in daylight and nature every day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Breathe slowly and look and listen out for birds. Watching birds got me through some very low times.

Hoping for good things for you x

Sorry you're struggling OP and well done for reaching out - that's a positive first step (as is getting some meds from the doctor - I hope they help).

In terms of food, I'm a lazy arse cook and what I do is to buy things that need minimal cooking/prep. So I'll buy slices of salmon that you just stick on a baking sheet in the oven for 20 mins. A bag of ready rice (the microwaveable ones) and some boiled broccoli and voila! A balanced meal. If cooking anything is too much, you can also buy pre-cooked meat and fish and make the same sort of meal. Or buy a Spanish omelette or a quiche and have salad on the side. Easy!

As for skincare, if your skin is dry and irritated you may have eczema or another skin condition so you need the gentlest skincare possible. CeraVe and La Roche Posay are both good brands that are gentle. I use Curél Intensive Moisture Facial Cream 40g for Dry, Sensitive Skin - it's un-perfumed and shouldn't irritate your skin. You can buy them all on Amazon if going out shopping is too much.

Imagine that someone else on here wrote that post. How would you react?
Be kind and empathic to yourself. Look at yourself as if you’re someone else, that child who was struggling and that person who needs love and support. Hating yourself will do nothing. Lots and lots of self care.

Maybe get a nice new flannel and face wash (order some online?) and wipe your face every morning and evening, feels lovely and refreshing for the day. I also find it’s much easier to eat well when there’s healthy things in the house. Is there any ffruit ans veg you quite like? Can your husband help with cooking?

Sorry for what you are going through. I've had depression and anxiety so can empathise with that. Definitely try and implement one change at a time as too many will become overwhelming. I think if you could get on top of a healthy diet your skin, hair and weight would follow suit. Also a good idea to just make yourself get outside for fresh air and a walk, even when you really can't be bothered but it does make you feel so much better for doing it! Take care

Shower and clean clothes every morning, it will perk you up and make you feel a bit more in charge.

Just start there. You don’t have to change everything at once.

Food options:

Jacket potatoes - easy. Buy a packet of 4 baking potatoes, pick one and stab it a few times, then microwave it for around 3 min each side. Then fill it with something- baked beans is easy, or something else prepare like chili or cottage cheese.

Another easy one is something like bulgur wheat. Measure out half a cup, put it in a pan, add a bit of a stock cube (less than half), add water to cover by more than an inch, then boil. Add some frozen mixed veg from a bag after around 8 min. Also add some frozen broad beans if you like.

I'm vegan, but have to say something like meat (or protein of your choice!) and 2 types of boiled veg is easy to do as well.

I like the above because (apart from the meat) they won't go off if you change your mind and don't make them :)

I also went for a facial after years of never putting a thing on my skin. Thought it would “wipe the slate clean” as it were. The lady recommended some products right for my skin which I still use today. I also open windows wherever possible 😂

Sorry you are struggling. Be kind to yourself. You are taking medication to care for yourself properly and your DH is supportive- that's great. I think small easier steps may be more achievable, an improvement is easier than perfection. You could order an Internet shop of easy to prepare foods or healthier ready-meals rather than going to the shops and cooking from scratch. Get outside for short walks, it makes you feel good. Treat yourself to something you enjoy like a book, magazine, TV, game, whatever you're into.

first
sending you a hug

second
with anxiety, its like a beast, the more you let it get away with, the more it wants…but on the other hand, the more you push it back, the smaller it gets.

third
think about what you do when you are nervous to calm you down or distract you from your worries…those are your coping mechanisms. Sometimes they can be somewhat helpful (exercising/tidying) and sometimes not helpful (computer gaming/snacking). If you have any unhelpful coping mechanisms, can you tweak them just a little bit to become less unhelpful. So if snacking is one of yours, can you switch to only snacking on carrots and apples? If gaming is one, can you switch to listening to audible books. There is no point trying to go cold turkey from a coping mechanism when your anxiety levels are already high, but can you make a switch that is a step along the path..then maybe in a few weeks you could push that switch a little further

fourth
set your alarm for a time you think is manageable in the morning and get out of bed, get dressed, brush your hair and clean your teeth. Try and do that every day for a week. Once you have a week of doing it, add going outside for a walk around the block..whatever the weather. Then after a week, add one more thing etc etc

fifth
forgive yourself. You are human and humans arent super beings. Everyone gets into a mess at some point in their lives, you might be in a bit of a mess, but please dont beat yourself up…please forgive yourself. You are worthy of love, both your own love and your DH love. Try and let that love find its way into your soul..it will help you along the way.

sixth
another hug..

Oh OP - I’m so sorry at all you’ve been through.,

Not being able to take care of yourself as an adult is not as unusual as we think (I have ADHD and struggle with it) never mind when you have gone through so much.

I think honestly the first thing I would do is find a low cost counselling service so someone can work on this with you.

Be careful about taking on too much - it’s baby steps.

One small thing. i’m guessing that you have binge or compulsive eating disorder as part of your trauma. The treatment for any eating disorder is to build to having regular meals and snacks - usually 3 meals and 2 snacks, too keep your mood and blood sugar stable and give you structure. So if you were going to start with anything perhaps start with a planned breakfast and work your way forward from that.

For starters, what about thinking of any suggestions that come your way on this thread as a friend wanting to make you feel better ❤️‍🩹

I would advise you to brush your teeth, have a shower (even if just quick pits and bits) and brush your hair, clean knickers every morning. Drink a full glass of water with your tablets.

After doing this for a while, it’s going to become a habit and won’t feel like such an effort.

Make a list of the “bigger” things you’d like to achieve, e.g. haircut, dentist checkup. That can just sit there until such a time as you feel ready to take one on.

The power of “yet”.
I haven’t brushed my teeth… yet.
I haven’t been outside… yet.
The little word means the possibility is still there. Not a tool to beat yourself up for not doing something, leaving open the possibility it will happen.

Be kind to yourself, treat yourself with compassion. What would you say to a friend in your situation?

You posted for help… that’s an amazing first step.

Plan meals - use food boxes or chef boxes so you can eat healthily but minimise mental load of getting food in. Once your body is running on healthy food you can think about making your own food. Get hyperjar or something similar and put the money you've saved on a takeaway into a jar that is your reward for doing so well. Buy takeaways from this jar if you end up getting a takeaway.
Go for small walks - embrace the nature and the sun.
Smile and think of things that you are grateful for. Sounds like shit but smiling helps you feel better, and being grateful for small things helps you lift your mood. Doesn't have to be large. I feel grateful that I am able to see the tree across the road for instance.
You've started looking for a way put by posting this so step 1 is complete. Congratulations. Keep going. Plan small steps and ignore the big picture as small is achievable and big is too overwhelming for anyone.

one step at a time, you can’t change everything overnight but you can take small steps in the right direction.
Things that have helped me with similar issues
Stopping drinking caffeine and alcohol
Counselling and lots of it. Persevere with it, it will help
Joining a choir. I joined rock choir and it’s really helped with my mental health. You don’t need to be able to sing snd there is no audition needed. You can get a free taster session online
Gousto boxes. I love to cook but just don’t have the headspace for shopping and meal planning. I have a discount code if you want to try them

Be kind to yourself and best of luck 💐

For meals, something easy. Beans or scrambled eggs on toast will do. Or one of the posher ready meals with some veg that you can boil/microwave/steam whatever.

Try and get enough sleep. That’s very important.

Get a good cleanser and moisturiser, they don’t have to be expensive. Nivea are good.

Drink 2L water a day

Try and get between 7000 - 10,000 steps a day (there is probably a pedometer on your phone if it’s an iPhone. Not sure about other makes)

No alcohol.

I have ADHD and life can become overwhelming very easily, usually if I have a lot of decisions to make. Have the same breakfast every day and slowly build a simple daily routine from there. If you set yourself up with a decent breakfast it’s easier to eat better the rest of the day. Well done OP for even writing this post 👏🏻

My minimum morning routine is:
Get out of bed (leave phone downstairs so I don’t start scrolling my phone and delay getting up).
Brush teeth.
Splash water on face (soap is harsh to the skin. My skin care routine is drinking lots of water, exercise, and eating vegetables rather than sugar as this seems to work better than any products on the market).
Brush hair.
Walk round garden and look at plants / listen to the birds.
Eat an apple.

Additional energy / motivation goes towards exercise as moving your body makes such a difference. Even a short walk makes a huge difference.

Showering twice a week is fine, a daily shower is a preference assuming you’re not getting sweaty or dirty. We grew up having one bath a week on a Sunday and all survived.

Oh bless you. Don’t be tough on yourself, sounds like you’re doing the best you can.
Haven’t read the full thread so sorry if I repeat anything. Is there definitely no other conditions like deficiencies or anything? I have iron deficiency anemia and pernicious anemia and now have b12 injections and iron infusions which make me feel a lot better. Before that I was like you, always buying takeaways because I was too exhausted to cook/go grocery shopping and too exhausted to look after myself. So just check there is nothing else health wise making you so exhausted. Maybe take a good multi vitamin to cover bases, especially if your diet isn’t the best? Holland and Barrett are good and you can chat to the staff about your diet/needs etc and they’ll help.
Then, start small. You don’t have to solve everything overnight. Take baby steps.
Do you have instagram? I follow some really inspiring accounts that help me eat well, dress well and take care of myself. When I’m feeling particularly stuck I look to them for inspiration.

I'm not very good at offering ideas so I'm just going to send you big hugs x

I think once you add all the suggestions you find helpful you should look at implementing one or two at a time then sticking it with a whole week Then adding some more gradually.

I’d say if you have an issue with washing get up and shower and wash teeth first thing, moisturise, then drink some water. Then have breakfast at some point.

If you can add a walk in at some point during the day - even if it’s 5 minutes to start with and build up, that would be good for your mental health and maybe your husband can go with you?

I’d also focus on what you’re eating. This will be having a major impact on you mentally and physically. I see you order a
a lot of takeaways- can you start reducing them and your husband can help with cooking or together decide on somethings that are easy to prepare to buy from the supermarket
i went from ordering takeaways 1-3 times DAILY in 2021 to having a takeaway once a month! It can be done !

Can you and your husband agree to reduce the amount of junk food you buy? I have a sweet tooth and I find when cakes etc are not in the house the temptation is reduced! Have some things in the house you’re less likely to binge on and generally more healthier less calorific food. Also start having smaller portions of whatever you’re eating and trying to stick to eating at mealtimes rather than meals plus constant snacks.

Perhaps speak to your GP, they may be able to put you on a weight loss programme or put you forward for counselling and there’s also free NHS weight loss apps. And consider journaling or writing poetry if that’s your thing to get your feelings out!

Edit: didn’t mean to quote the whole Op!

In terms of diet how about buying in ready prepped foods that are healthier and move you closer to homemade while also keeping it simple.

Boiled eggs - available in the sandwich section at the supermarket. Have these sliced up on whole grain toast for breakfast

Cooked sliced chicken breast and steam packs of green veg (near the stir fry stuff in the veg section). Put the veg in the microwave for 3 minutes, mix with the chicken, a knob of butter, some salt and pepper and give it another minute in the microwave to melt the butter and heat the chicken. You could also make up some instant noodles and add some of the chicken and veg to bulk it out and freshen it up a bit.

Egg noodles, stir fry veg and a sachet of stir fry sauce. Just cook in a pan for a few minutes, you can add tofu or strips of meat or prawns if you want but it's not mandatory.

I’d say when you go to the bathroom in the morning . Then jist straight in the shower and get dressed and moisturise your face and brush your teeth.

If I shed lazy days or days I just can’t get it together as soon as I’m showered and dressed I am motivated.

Then have a cuppa and some weetabix

if you want to moved onto the next stage try get a small walk in at some point in the day.

always have a large bottle of water handy and sip thorough out the day.

Alot of the time it’s thirst and not hunger and possibly with yourself it’s boredom , routine or comfort eating.

Also get Counseling

Walking helps with mental health… start with 5 mins then build it to 45 mins… it’s free and will help with weight loss

I would say the main tip is to make things as easy as possible for yourself, at least to start, so you're not fighting an uphill battle and making loads of huge changes at the same time.

So set up a supermarket delivery automated once a week/fortnight with easy food options that you don't have to think about, so you don't need the takeaway. Even if it's not all amazingly healthy stuff - a supermarket pizza is still significantly better than dominoes, a microwave curry better than an indian etc. Beans on toast or ready made soup better again.

Skincare - there are companies that do analysis of your skin type and then deliver the products to you, perfectly tailored for what you need. Sorry I can't remember the names atm but I'm sure there are money off codes on style&beauty. Again, make it as easy as possible so you're not overwhelmed in a shop. In terms of hair I've got the opposite problem (PCOS so too much of it!) but I know lots of people recommend those caffeine shampoos to thicken hair?

Shower - the best way is to just get into a routine the same time every day (whether as soon as you get up or before you go to bed) so you don't even think about it. Like having getting up and going to the loo in the morning - it's not a treat you can deny yourself or a chore that you can put off, it's just something that's done for the day. Can be a really quick one - 1 min is better than nothing. Maybe buy some really nice smelling products, or put a shower radio in there if you like music or a really interesting podcast.

Get outside if possible at least once a day. People roll their eyes and say exercise isn't the magic cure all for depression - but nobody actually says that it is, just that a change of scenery, fresh air and getting your body moving (just a slow walk!) is almost always beneficial, even if it's "only" taking you from -10 to -2. Going outside has sometimes made me feel loads better when I'm struggling, sometimes not much difference, but it has never, ever made me feel worse.

Could you get a dog? The need for daily exercise plus the confidence boost of something that thinks you are absolutely amazing can be a game changer. Maybe look into fostering/dog-walking/dog-sitting to start if you don't want to commit fully? Again, great music or a fascinating podcast can help because you're retraining your mind to think 'If I go now I'll get to find out what happened to the murderer (or whatever!) oh yeah and I guess I'll be walking while I do it,' rather than 'Ugh I suppose I should go for a walk.'

But above all, be kind to yourself. Life is hard. If you have one bad day where you don't do any of the above, then that's all it is, one bad day, and you can try again tomorrow. ❤️

Have a read of this thread and see if anything looks helpful. Change one small thing, do it every single day until it's a habit, then add another small thing. It will take months for you to notice an obvious change but this change will last a lifetime.

Your first change is - Be kind to yourself ❤

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5146759-fancy-sharing-your-atomic-habits-for-inspiration-for-a-september-reset?reply=137735678