To feel embarrassed but ask you anyway to teach me, a grown woman, how to look after myself, please?

[SoftLittleBunnyRabbit]

When I say teach, I mean the very basics. At least to start of with.

I am almost 36 years old and I find even the most simple of tasks a huge unsurmountable burden . I took a shower today for the first time in 6 days. I haven't had a haircut since 2022. I ordered takeaway again today because going shopping and cooking nutritious meals feels like the equivalent of climbing mount Everest. I just feel exhausted, anxious and stressed over stupid things all the time and keep bursting into tears because I feel like shit, life is hard and I'm just not worth investing any time/money/care in.

The situation is:

• I have depression and increasingly bad anxiety which I'm medicated for
• I have an under active thyroid which I'm medicated for but it has made lots of my hair fall out and it never grew back so my hair is very thin on top
• I constantly eat crappy food and I need to lose 10 stone. My body is struggling because I am so heavy.
• I have very dry, red skin and want to sort out a skincare routine in theory, but in reality I don't feel like I'm worth spending any money on
• childhood trauma and history of SH as a teen
• no kids but have a DH who is worried about me and tries his best to help.

I just don't know where to start and have tears in my eyes writing this. Please tell me the most basic things I can start with to look after myself and become healthier. Talk to me as if I am an idiot (because I am) and tell me small, manageable steps I can take. Like, what is the first thing you do in the morning that I can do that won't be too overwhelming?

I have a little notebook here to write down all your suggestions so I can keep it with me and read it when I need to.

I'd say start with stuff that will give you a boost, that will make stepping it up easier. If you start with food, don't cut out anything yet, but make a small list of healthy food that you will eat daily (then you won't be as hungry for junk and you'll get energy). So for example, decide that you must eat a handful of walnuts and an apple and ? litres of water (depending on temperature where you live) every day before ?am (depending on how your schedule goes).

You are so brave to put this into the world. I’ve been there and couldn’t/wouldn’t verbalise it.

Brush your teeth. Every day. Morning and bedtime if you can. If you can’t, build up to it.

A baby wipe style cleanser will be the most low-effort way to clean your face. Then a moisturiser to suit your skin type. A full routine with masks and exfoliators and serum’will be too overwhelming. If you enjoy doing your routine, you’ll naturally want to add to it over time.

Shower once on the weekend and try to get one in during the week.

That’s pretty much where I started xxx

This was going to be my tip. Big big glass of water, take a multivitamin and stick your head outside. Lots of luck OP x

Whenever you catch yourself talking down to yourself (calling yourself names etc) apologise to yourself and say something nice, like “thank you for looking after me so well today, I know you’ve found it hard but you’ve done a really good job.”

Repeat after me until it sinks in:

I am loved and worthy of love

Just adding some positive vibes.

Week 1
Dressed every day.
Shower every day
Teeth brushed every day.
Minimum.

Week 2
Above plus 1 walk for 10 mins every other day.

Week 3
As above plus cook at least 1 'healthy meal' every other day.

Week 4
As above plus cook at least 2 healthy meal every other day.

Week 5
As above cook at least 1 healthy meal every day 2 healthy meals every other day

Week 6
As above cook 2 healthy meals a day

Week 7
As above Increase walking every other day to 20 mins plus 2 healthy meals a day

Week 8
As above 30 mins walk.

Treat time! Book hair to be done!

You've got this!! Small steps!! Don't implement everything at once.

I learnt one thing in life that helps me. I have to do it every day, no matter what. Once you get in the habit, it’s easier but in the beginning get dh to help you push yourself to do JUST these things. The rest, you’ll get to gradually, there’s no way anyone can tackle everything in one go.

daily to do list:
eat a minimum of one GOOD hot meal, and drink every day
make sure you get sufficient sleep every night
make sure you get fresh air every day, even if for only a few mins.

when you’re up to it, you’ll go somewhere that can get you some nice creams and soaps which will make taking care of your skin and bathing so much more enjoyable and pleasant.

Omg you poor thing. I can see how this has spiraled into shame and guilt which will make you feel even worse! Starting here and asking is a great first step - well done op!!

These are some things that have worked for me -

Food - get healthy ready meals in to stop you ordering take aways. And fruit. And fizzy water to stop bad drinks.

Movement - get a watch to track your steps and gradually aim to get that up to 10,000 a day. It makes so much difference.

Doing stuff - if you can, throw your phone across the room or charge it outside your room with a load alarm to get yourself up and out of bed instead of scrolling . Bonus points if you can keep it in the bathroom then get straight in the shower when you do!

Make your bed first thing. It gets you going into doing stuff and if you have a bad day at least you come back to a nice bed.

I got a positive affirmations poster from Temu and I stuck it next to the loo.

Weight loss hypnosis on YouTube - listen to this before bed. It really works well for some reason.

A check or tick list - write a note book first thing of what you want to do that day and keep checking off.

Find a photo of yourself when you were three or draw a picture of her. Stick it somewhere you'll see often like bathroom mirror or kitchen. When you look at it think about how she deserves to be looked after, fed, spoken to, encouraged and nurtured. Then give that to her as she is you xx

OP dry skin, dry eyes and dry hair is part of your thyroid condition. Go to your GP and ask for blood test to check if your level of Levothyroxine is high enough. If it's too low you will feel sluggish and it will be almost impossible to lose weight.

Oh darling I'm so sorry. You've made me well up reading your post. First off, it's brilliant that you're asking for help. I think you need to start from the absolutely most basic things that you can do. Try to sip a pint of water tomorrow. If you feel able, sit outside for 5 minutes and get some fresh air. That'll probably do for the first day.
The next things I'd suggest are to think of a few nutritional meals your husband can cook and do an online shop for the ingredients together. If that seems too hard, order from a recipe delivery company like Hello Fresh.
Try to prioritise sleep more and work towards a routine. I find if the linens are clean and fresh, the window's open and I have a shower before I go to bed then I sleep much better. I struggle to shower in the mornings for some reason but can do it at night. Find a time when you are most able and use some lovely body wash. Order some right now and tell your DH to wash the towels so they're lovely and fluffy for you.
Tackling the weight is really hard I know first hand. There's no easy or quick solution. Just add in food that boosts you and nourishes you. Don't worry about stopping eating the junk just for now, it's a much easier way of framing it psychologically. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Try every day to do something to help future you. But if you can't, forgive yourself and draw a line under it and try again the next day.
Sending a warm hug your way. Please keep chatting here, I'd love to hear about any little steps you manage to take.

You just brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you were not loved/protected as you should have been. Now it's your turn to nurture that little girl and tell her every day that she is worthy of love. Don't compare yourself with others, start with baby steps. In the morning.

1. Take a shower (some people find really cold showers help with their anxiety, some prefer hot showers to relax.)
2. Put deodorant on and basic hydrating lotion if you have got dry skin. Dexeryl is my favourite ; cheap and good for all skins even babies and no perfume or allergenes.
3. Brush your hair.
4. Have a healthy breakfast. Youghurt and musli (just basic oatmeal, grains and nuts) with fresh fruit is great.
5. Brush your teeth:)
6. Have an objective with your day written down (something tells me you're too ill to work right now, correct me if I'm wrong). This could be anything from going swimming/walking/ getting a haircut/ cleaning the kitchen/ seeing a therapist. You make a list with everything you want to / need to get done in order to feel better and you choose one every day. Just one to start with and you see that you are very capable of doing what you set out to do. Be patient and loving towards yourself and towards others.

For every meal be scientific about it. What does my body need? Protein (eggs, chick peas, lentils, chicken, fish etc), carbohydrates (pasta, Rice, bread etc) and vitamines (vegetables and fruit). Only keep healthy snacks at home. Ask your partner to help you, maybe you could find healthy meals to do together? Sleep atleast 8 hours and drink a lot of water between meals. Get atleast 30 minutes of walking/exercice per day. Be kind to yourself. I wish I could pop over and hold your hand to support you because I have been where you are and it's very hard to dig oneself out of the hole. Slowly, babysteps, you can do this OP ❤️💪

Hi there, after 20 years my under active thyroid is still not properly regulated. Where did you look for private providers? And have you experienced any negative side effects from T3? Thank you!
OP - my sympathies, it’s so hard when it feels like you have such a hill to climb. I make a list (v small one!) of things to do each day and take it from there x

The one thing I do everyday is try get out of the house even if it’s just for 30 mins it really helps, and I drink 1.5 litres of water a day and take vitamins, sending you a big hug x

You are really brave posting here and asking for help. I hope you get lots of brilliant support.

I agree with PP that somehow or other you need to find a way to be kind to the child you were and are.

In practical terms I would tackle your weight as ten stone overweight is substantial and worth focusing on. A lot of your other issues will benefit from weight loss.

Good luck.

I recently went through a really traumatic miscarriage and for weeks I didn’t care for
myself at all. I was very much on autopilot and just surviving.

I got to a point where I knew I had to start again but it felt so overwhelming. I made a list of things I knew I should be doing and are good for me.

Some of these were:

drinking enough water daily (2500ml for me)
getting enough sleep (lights out before a certain time)
exercising
having a skin care routine
eating nutritiously

(I had more like seeing friends again, reading more, using my phone less)

I then put them in priority of what I thought was the mos important or the easiest to achieve. I then spent a week focusing on one thing from my list. It was the only goal I focused on each day of that week. I would then choose another one the week after and add it so I’d focus on two things (doesn’t have to be a week - just whenever you feel ready to add another one).

Some of the goals I broke down further. Exercise can be a huge ask but I broke it down into adding a 20 minute walk in everyday. I’m now running 5k everyday just by building up.

im so sorry that you’ve found yourself here but you absolutely can pull your self back out.

Step one - get up, brush teeth, wash face (pits and bits bonus)
Step two - have a glass of water
Step three - get dressed, new PJ's if I'm going back to bed. Clean clothes if it's a good day and I'm getting up.
Step 4 - what food do you like? I have the same cereal or the same brand of bread for toast every morning. It's one less decision to make.
Step 5 - I walk to the shop to find something for lunch, premade sandwich? Fine. Microwave meal even better.
Step 6 - the rest of the day either relax or if you feel up to it then do something e.g. laundry, make your bed, wash a couple of pots up.

Please be easy on yourself, nobody will judge you harder than you judge yourself I promise. You're worth the effort, you're worth being clean and fed, you're worth having a nice bed to get in to (or not get out of), you're worth feeling better than you did yesterday.

You are absolutely NOT an idiot!!! And if you have a supportive DH i am sure you are a kind, beautiful person, inside & out.

I obviously don't know you, but I believe that you feel overwhelmed with so many things to do so I'd start really slow with small increments of self care. Suggestions:

Get a nice planner/paper and write small tasks for every day

1. 5 minutes of exercising a day or a short walk.
2. Shower + brush teeth
3. Get a haircut
4. Drink 8 small glasses of water a day (if too much, start with 3-4)
5. Add 1 veg next to every meal
6. Don't skip breakfast
7. Eat one piece of fruit every day

Etc etc, you get the drill.

Long term:

1. Gp + blood tests
2. Therapy

Hope it helps. Best of luck!

Ps I also wonder if your house might be cluttered. Can you and DP together do a big declutter and clean and tidy - if you focus on house first (if you need to) it's less pressure on yourself bit you'll have a lovely space to think and make plans in, the lovely space will make
You feel better, and this act of self care with remind you to do others too.

Three things.

Make your bed. Get up out of it and make it. Psychologically this has a huge impact and is recommended by professionals too. It just makes you feel like you've achieved something straight away. It looks like the bed of someone who's life is in order. Don't dump stuff on it. Make it, and be proud of how smart it looks.

Get dressed. Put actual clothes on. They don't have to be smart. It can be a tracksuit. Just take off the nightwear and dressing gown. Again, huge effect on mental wellbeing.

Brush your teeth. Suddenly you feel clean.

That's what I'd do for a week. Those three little things, as soon as I got up. I promise you, I've been there, and this changed my life. After a week of these I was able to integrate other things in step by step.

Try and keep a regular routine, we naturally crave them and find them comforting.

Acknowledge that you aren’t feeling great and that it’s okay to feel that way sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up for it.
Are you getting support from your GP?

Think of it as a cloudy sky … it will pass if you hang in there.

Keep an eye on your nutrition, this sounds weird but try eating a banana with some carbs at the same time like crackers or bread daily … it naturally has some benefits for helping when you’re feeling a blue.

OP, sending you hugs 🤗 I've been there and it's hard, really hard.

My young adult daughter is struggling too. She has a checklist, starting with wash face, clean teeth. It helps her, so thought I'd mention it.

If you can manage to clean your teeth, wash your body, you're doing well. I personally don't think it's necessary to shower every day, my hair takes forever to dry, so I only wash it once a week, I do wash every day.

Can you make a list of easy meals, then write up a shopping list for them? Do you shop online? So much easier than going to the shops?

I'm trying to lose weight, I'm doing intermittent fasting, so I eat between 11 a.m and 7 p.m. I know how hard it is though.

Don't try and do everything at once, it'll be overwhelming. Write down what you want to achieve and then write it down by priority. Start with the one thing that is most important to you.

Keep touching base with us here 🤗

Daily checklist

wake up and quick shower (just grab your towels and get straight in before you’re fully conscious) (use all in one products so there are less steps involved)

brush teeth

chuck on clean clothes

drink water

eat breakfast - most healthy people eat oats, berries & dairy free milk, maybe some nuts and seed

load of laundry on

make your bed

quick vacuum & sweep

Now you’re clean, dressed, fed and have clear floors in the first 30 mins of your day. (This feels 100 x better than having it all hovering over your head all day and feeling guilty and gross!)

Go for a walk - sunlight, movement, fresh air

Drink more water

Eat lunch- meat and vegetables / salad

Fast from lunch until breakfast - drink water, herbal tea for the rest of the day.

Hang out that wet laundry

Fold the dry laundry with a good tv show on

Never curse your morning self with a messy kitchen to wake up to

Go to bed early with a book, notebook, podcast, water.

Cut your hair with the ponytail trick for now

Op also look at how many people are showing you love here by posting and helping. They are helping not because they know you but simply as you're a human being who deserves love and help just because you're human- we all do. Love isn't dependent on being good enough or being productive - you're valuable and you deserve love from yourself too x

You're not an idiot, you're very depressed. I hope you can feel some compassion for yourself. You and your health are absolutely worth investing in.

I'm sure others will be along for practical tips. Just one small thing at a time.

i make a list of everything on my to-do list and cross them off with a red pen when I do them. Gives me a little boost to cross them out.

Lots of great advice, would add try to make a change to your mindset so that you recognise that you do deserve to spend time and money on yourself. Also, yoga, online is good but a real life class is better. Good luck!