To feel embarrassed but ask you anyway to teach me, a grown woman, how to look after myself, please?

[SoftLittleBunnyRabbit]

When I say teach, I mean the very basics. At least to start of with.

I am almost 36 years old and I find even the most simple of tasks a huge unsurmountable burden . I took a shower today for the first time in 6 days. I haven't had a haircut since 2022. I ordered takeaway again today because going shopping and cooking nutritious meals feels like the equivalent of climbing mount Everest. I just feel exhausted, anxious and stressed over stupid things all the time and keep bursting into tears because I feel like shit, life is hard and I'm just not worth investing any time/money/care in.

The situation is:

• I have depression and increasingly bad anxiety which I'm medicated for
• I have an under active thyroid which I'm medicated for but it has made lots of my hair fall out and it never grew back so my hair is very thin on top
• I constantly eat crappy food and I need to lose 10 stone. My body is struggling because I am so heavy.
• I have very dry, red skin and want to sort out a skincare routine in theory, but in reality I don't feel like I'm worth spending any money on
• childhood trauma and history of SH as a teen
• no kids but have a DH who is worried about me and tries his best to help.

I just don't know where to start and have tears in my eyes writing this. Please tell me the most basic things I can start with to look after myself and become healthier. Talk to me as if I am an idiot (because I am) and tell me small, manageable steps I can take. Like, what is the first thing you do in the morning that I can do that won't be too overwhelming?

I have a little notebook here to write down all your suggestions so I can keep it with me and read it when I need to.

If you can manage to clean your teeth, wash your body, you're doing well. I personally don't think it's necessary to shower every day, my hair takes forever to dry, so I only wash it once a week, I do wash every day.

A shower a day is pretty standard for many (most ?) adults and if Op has 10 stone to lose she is very overweight and could probably do with a daily shower at the minimum to keep fresh. I don’t mean that disrespectfully but I felt I needed to wash for longer /more frequently to really get in under everywhere when I was 3 stone heavier. A flannel wash would not have been enough. There’s also mental benefits to getting in the shower!

Doesn’t need to wash hair every day, that I agree with.

So sorry to hear how you are not feeling good, OP.

My advice/idea would be to walk. Walk every day, as much as you can. It’s life changing.

Best wishes to you.

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time OP. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety too, I get how tough it can be.

I keep a ‘3 steps a day’ list on my phone. Every day, I list 3 things I’ve done to move forward. They’re not huge things, it’s things like reading a chapter of a book, drinking more water than usual, paying an extra fiver towards a bill, listening to a bit of a podcast in the car, decluttering 5 things from a drawer, etc etc.

It’s doing wonders for how I feel about myself and my life. Every day I see my list getting longer and I’m acknowledging that I am moving forward. It takes seconds, and on the odd day where I don’t make progress I don’t beat myself up because I can see all the things I have done.

I’d suggest getting the habit tracker app. I’ve got AuDHD and that’s been the best thing I’ve found over the years. Add two or three habits and then keep adding. Have a shower as soon as you get out of bed. Brush your teeth in the shower if it’s easier. I also shave my legs and file my feet. I still have problems washing my hair! If something seems like too big a thing, break it down into steps and tick off each step.

Follow Joshua Hills Nutritionist on Facebook/Instagram, he’s all about small steps

Rather than trying to cook if it feels like too much, could you get some ready made salads in - they’ll be cheaper than ordering takeaway.

An electric toothbrush is recommended by my dentist and they aren’t very expensive.

Set an alarm to remind you to drink water, aim for 1.5 litres a day.

Keep coming back to this thread for ideas.

If you do a 20 minute walk every day that gets you out of the house and into the habit of exercising.

Can you get your b12, iron and vit d levels checked too? You could be deficient. There are private places around that will test all vitamin etc levels. Def worth checking.

you’re so not alone. Don’t try to do everything at once. Maybe focus on one area for a fortnight eg - aim to shower 10 days out of the next 14. Then the following fortnight add something else.

It must have been so hard for you to write this post,
well done, you’ve already achieved something today!

I don’t have practical advice, but I think it would be good if you set yourself small, achievable goals, and take it a day at a time.

and if or when you fail, leave it quickly behind and always look forward to the next day.

good luck!

Please be proud of the fact you want to change things and feel better, that in itself means you value yourself ❤️ Step 1 for me would be to prioritise 8+ hours sleep a night over anything else, and to get natural daylight in your eyes first thing every morning, before looking at any screens - if you can’t face getting outside just open a window. Resetting your circadian rhythms is the first building block of fixing hormones which have got out of whack. Turn your screens to ‘warm’ mode to minimise blue light, and wear blue light blocking glasses if using any screens after sunset - you can get a pair off amazon for about 10 quid. To relax, do things that feel nice for your body, like warm epsom salt baths.
Don’t feel like you need to rush anything, rest and natural light should be the first thing. But after a few weeks of getting that in place, then when you feel ready you can look at very gradually increasing gentle exercise like a daily 20-30min walk outside, and gentle stretching that feels good for your body. Take a multi vitamin/mineral supplement to help correct any deficiencies in your diet, then think about replacing UPFs in your diet with fresh food. Any lasting change is slooooow, with multiple set backs - but it sounds like you have a real desire to change things for the better and I believe it will gradually happen for you.

OK. Do you work? If not, set your alarm for 7.30, go for a wee walk.
Get home, cup of tea.
Tidy up
Make a meal plan for next few days
Cooking is wonderful 😋
I frequently go to bbc good food site for recipe ideas. Soo simple.
Get yourself to Boots for skincare, vitamin c serum and good moisturiser.
Repeat every day.
Don't forget, loads and loads of water in between
You have got this 👍
Baby steps at first
You've got this, its doable
💐 🫂
Good luck hun xx

OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down.

Have you seen the threads on here about weightloss injections - Mounjaro?

There are tons of us on here who have had a lifetime of problems with our weight - it really does affect so much of our lives and takes up so much energy, both mentally and physically.

The injection - done once a week (you don't feel a thing, tiny needle) - stops you thinking about food all the time, so you can make decent choices about what you eat. I've been on it three months and have lost 23 lbs. In those 12 weeks I haven't had an alcohol drink (when I always had a couple of good sized glasses a night), any chocolate (I would have some most days) or potatoes. It's not even that I don't fancy them - I haven't even thought about them. It was only today when I looked at my food diary I realised I hadn't had any potatoes in that time, when I would have had them a few times a week. All those things, I thought, brought me comfort, and now I don't give them a second thought.

I've still got a long way to go, but I feel SO much better. Fitter, healthier - but also in control. Basically you feel full for longer so you just don't think about eating rubbish.

The doctor can't prescribe it unless you're diabetic, but it's available on a private prescription. I get mine from Bolt Pharmacy.

If I were you I would see a doctor about whether it could be prescribed for you, and if not (it'll be down to funding, that's all) then I'd sign up for it and come onto the weightloss inections board and start and new thread so we can all support you.

Once you feel in control of that part of your life, you will feel better able to deal with washing etc - it won't seem such a big deal to you then, I promise.

Firstly, OP, congratulations on having the courage to start this thread. There's so much lovely advice here, I won't add to it, but just wanted to say you're not alone and this discussion will have helped far more people than you probably anticipated, thank you.

Thank you for reaching out, you are far from alone with this but it can be so hard to take a first step.

I imagine that at 36 years old you have tried before to learn how to do these things, and that means that a list telling you to do things might not achieve the desired results. I'm curious about what things you have already tried, and what the barriers to those were?

You have also been fairly clear that early trauma and feeling unworthy of care play a significant role in the difficulties initiating tasks of self care. This can change! Although it takes time and regular attention.

Have you ever played The Sims? You have to take care of a human (Sim), and they have bars representing their basic needs (eating, sleeping, toileting, hygiene, social interaction and fun). It is very tricky to get all bars full up at the same time, but the idea of treating yourself like a Sims character may help (because it is usually easier to be compassionate to others than to yourself). Think about what your greatest need is (which bar is empty) and then do one task towards that. Keep it small and celebrate those wins.

When you first wake up, what need is greatest?

I have friends whose challenge with daily living can be based around trouble initiating tasks - they need and want a shower but find it hard to get themselves to go into a shower. If that is similar to you some of the tricks others have found helpful have been to put on a face mask (sensation makes them want to shower after a while), or to decide to just put the shower on (not to get in to it) and see what happens next (if anything). My friend who tried this finds some days it helps them to move onto standing in the shower, even if they do not wash. Sometimes they just turn it off again. More often than not it helps them have a shower though.

With shopping and cooking - find a way to cheat. Cheating is winning. Make it easier to eat something in the house and buy the easy to eat stuff. Get soup that can be microwaved, get the supermarket ready meal (it will be cheaper than takeaway). What would you do if you were giving advice to a dear friend who was struggling with cooking?

I find that if i write down in the morning what i am cooking that night, i am much more likely to cook it than i would be if trying to decide what to cook when i am already hungry. I batch cook - not because i am organised but because i am lazy - it gives me stuff i can heat up and eat most nights when i cannot be bothered to cook.

I find setting a timer (5 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever feels manageable) and just facing a task with the attitude of doing what fits in the time rather than getting it all done, or all perfect, can really help me.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very very tough 😥

To focus on some of the more practical aspects:

1. Take a walk every day, it's a really fantastic form of exercise which is not too hard on your joints and you don't need any fancy equipment for so you can start today. Try to increase your walk length by 5 mins every day until you're walking for an hour or more. If you can walk somewhere beautiful like a forest or river side this will be brilliant for your mental health too. The Japanese have a word shinrin-yoko which means forest bathing, because being in nature is so therapeutic.

1. A very simple skincare routine is enough, lots of people overdo it. If you have inflamed skin then a gentle brand like Cerave. Buy a cleanser and a moisturiser and use them in the morning and the evening.

1. Meal planning makes the most on top of life people feel like that sometimes. It's helpful to have a list of meals you like and what ingredients you need to make them written down, so you can consult that list when you need to meal plan/shop. Some healthy-ish meals to get you started: salmon fillet with brown rice & broccoli(with soy sauce or lemon juice & olive oil dressing), fish cakes & salad, chicken Caesar salad, jacket potato, tuna & salad, chili con carne with brown rice (add mushrooms, carrots and lentils to bulk it out and add more veg), tabouleh or other shop bought grain salad with chicken breast, prawn & spinach curry.

If you can afford it, Hello Fresh or Mindful Chef can help you can back into cooking with 2-3 meals a week. You can keep the recipe cards to make again later.

Let us know how you get on. You've got this!

Start with the basics. Showering, moving around and eating/ drinking properly will help you feel much better.

Get into a new routine of washing your face (I like this elemis face wash but whatever you like), brush teeth and hair. Alternate all drinks with a glass of water. Go for a walk round the block once a day and build from there. Can your DH help to create a meal plan/food shopping/ prep to move away from takeaways?

Please don’t be embarrassed about this. I made my New Year’s resolution this year to wash my face every day, because I was really neglecting myself too and needed to do some basics

Build up slowly.

Do just 1 thing for a week.

Then add another for a week.

If you start to drop things, just go back a step for another week until it's more of a habit before adding something else.

I'd probably start with

• big glass of water when you wake up
• brush teeth morning
• wash face with warm flannel

Eating better will make a big difference but again, keep it simple to start with.

Can you choose one breakfast that is healthy and you like and just make sure you've always got that in? Weetabix / porridge / eggs on toast?

Lunch - fresh soup and a roll?

Dinners - tackle that later!!

A lot of great ideas from others. I hear you and lots of us do care. Different situation but very similar feelings. Do what’s right for you! One thing that helps me is moisturising my feet at night. It’s no mean feat(?!? Pun intended sorry!) and would not be possible without a bed to rest my feet on but just that couple of minutes reminds me I can be kind to me, I sleep better & my feet feel better the next day . You are worth every effort xx

Look at Goblin Tools - it’s free (just Google) and it breaks tasks down for you.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by cooking just don’t cook - fruit, nuts, seeds, ready made soups you can microwave.

Just make life as easy as you can by doing the basics so they become habits.

Buy yourself some lovely shower gel and a soft towel, a deep conditioning treatment - lots of self care things in Home Bargains.

You’ve been really brave writing this, OP. You sound like a lovely person who has been through some really hard times. I haven’t read through all the advice, but the two things I would suggest for you to consider are firstly - start practising talking to yourself like you would to someone you really love and would never dream of hurting. This will take time but when you catch yourself being negative about yourself, just think what would I say to someone I really loved? I would tell them it’s ok, I know they are trying and I’m proud of them no matter what. I would say that appearance, weight, productivity, don’t count like a kind heart does. That kind of thing, you know? The more you do it the easier it gets and the more positive you will start to feel, and once you start to feel more positive the other steps will become more possible. The other thing to consider is volunteering or finding ways to help others. I know it sounds odd when you are struggling so much to use your energy to help others, but my experience has been there is nothing like volunteering to transform how you feel about yourself. Start small and be realistic, but there will be something you can do to help others, even if it’s phoning a lonely older person for an hour a week, or something like that. Best of luck OP, you very much deserve to have the life you want.

I was about to type something very similar before I'd read the thread. This is excellent advice. Hair loss, weight gain, depression, disintegrating skin and everything seeming unsurmountable were all symptoms for me when I was undiagnosed and whilst the medication was being gradually ramped up to my current dose.

Start at square 1. Get into the habit of daily showers, once you've cracked that add in a personal grooming routine (shaving legs/armpits). Once you've got that into a habit add in moisturising your skin after the shower (get a cheap but nice one like E45).

Have a glass of water before you brush your teeth. Get that into a habit.

Once you have that cracked you will begin to feel better and I promise you'll want to find something else to get working on. But for now. Be kind to your body and your mind you've taken the first step by admitting you need help and asking for it. Well done!

I have periods of time where I feel exactly like you do. They can go on for days/weeks/months

And this is with me having all kinds of lotions and potions and routines that were already there

When I went back to work after covid I literally had a list that I followed every day with every tiny step of my morning routine. Number was just get out of bed. Then make bed. Brush teeth. Brush hair

My starting point would be brushing teeth in a morning, wakes me up and makes me feel clean. Just focus on that for a week, a fortnight, a month, whatever, until you feel ready to try a new step

Thank you for starting this thread @SoftLittleBunnyRabbit. I need to start looking after myself better as well. This thread will be very helpful.

Some great advice here, I'm watching with interest as I can do with some tips too

Aw OP your post really touched me. I’m so sorry you feel so low.

1. First, your body is in fight, flight or freeze. The best thing you can do first before you do anything at all is calm yourself physically. Go to YouTube and watch “breathe with sandy” - lots of breathing exercises to calm your central nervous system.
2. Next is self care. Try to set a routine every day to sit down with a cup of tea and eat something healthy. Oats are really good and great for the gut.
3. Next brush teeth and shower.
4. Make a daily plan of one small task you want to achieve every day. Start really small, simply going for a walk will help.
5. Gradually once you get into a routine you’ll find yourself achieving those small goals and it will encourage you to keep going.
6. Self talk is very very important here. Force yourself to talk kindly to yourself even if you don’t feel like it. Do it anyway. Talk to yourself as if you are your own best friend. Continually encourage yourself throughout the day. If you start to feel that negative critical voice creeping in simply think “thank you but no thank you, we are not doing that any more”. Positive affirmations are very powerful and if you can constantly repeat them to yourself on a daily basis they will seep into your subconscious and start to change those negative thinking habits.
7. Perhaps one daily task each day could be researching online an issue you’d like to fix. So, one day you could research skin care for example- make it fun and think of it as a learning experience.

You can absolutely do this. Think about how much courage it took to ask for help- that’s a massive achievement. Sending you very best wishes and hugs 🥰