To be FURIOUS with DP

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Me and my Dp together five years we have a 2yo DS. I'll cut right the chase.. a few weeks ago whilst we were getting ready to go out I said to DP just watch DS while I nip the car to take some things out. I didn't shut the door properly on accident and when I came back DS had escaped and was half way up the road with no shoes on!! DP just stood there in the lounge completely oblivious!! I ran after DS and bought him back and I went mad at DP. He said it's your fault cos you left the door open, I had left the room so it's not my fault, an argument ensued and his defence was DS is not his responsibility, he wasn't watching him and I should have been more careful with the door even though he was sat right in the chair when I left?!

Tonight, again, I've said I'm just popping to the shop across the road, please watch DS for me. Low and behold, I come back and as I'm approaching I can see the front door is open, I immediately knew what had happened. Legged it across the road, almost got hit by a car, to see dp sat on his phone and DS no where to be seen, a frantic search and my neighbors who had just arrived home had found him wandering between parked cars just at the sound of our house. DS completely oblivious and living his best life smiling and laughing while I'm crying. Dp sat on his phone... Again, he said you must have left the door open or not pushed it too so it clicks. So it's your fault, I was looking at my phone. I said he literally would have to walk past you to go out the front door how did you let this happen again!! Same old, it's not my responsibility, you left the door open, I didn't see him blah blah blah.

I'm FURIOUS. Aibu?? This is the second time this has happened in similar circumstances. I've challenged DP on the fact that DS has never escaped or anything in my care. His defense is he is oblivious and doesn't even notice people he knows in the street etc. Which is poor!!

Our relationship is already a bit strained after me threatening to split up a few nights ago because of behaviour like this, not caring enough about DS, being involved, treating me like shit etc but thats another matter.

Opinions please and just talk down really, DS safely tucked up in bed now but I'm frantic and panicking it could have been so much worse. I can't stop crying. I'm terrified one of my neighbors will call the police or SS or something!!!

The mere fact he said his son wasn't his responsibility would be enough for me.
You are both at fault to certain degrees for your son being able to leave the house twice though but any parent who says their child isn't there responsibility is shit

Why is he watching his own child ‘for you’. Sounds like you have default responsibility and he needs to be asked to help out.

Sounds like he didnt want children. He's not father material. Shame that if you split up he could get 50/50 access & then your son could be in more danger.

Does he do anything with his son? Take him out just the 2 of them? As a parent you dont just "look out for them" you actively engage with them.....play with them.

Fool.me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on you.

im not victim.blaming you but its happened twice now. He is not safe to look after your son. Its just that simple. You might not be lucky a third time.

If you leave him with him a third time it would be social services level of neglect and I think you ought to split from him and insist on supervised visits only. He as demonstrated that he literally doesn't care if your son dies.

Yabu. His job is to earn and provide, right NOW you look after your child.
That's the deal and you broke it.
Yeah so what his heads in the fucking clouds a bit, full time work makes you tired.
He probably didn't literally mean the child isn't his responsibility anyway, just he expects you to be more f*ing careful about shutting doors.

I find some of these replies unbelievable. In a way, it does not matter whether the door is opened or closed, when you are responsible for a two year old you need to know where they are at all times. The father clearly did not. DS could have tried to go up or down the stairs, or climb on some furniture, or whatever else two year olds may do since they have no real concept of danger and his father would not have had a clue. It is completely irresponsible.

I don't see how that will work without him blowing up and leading to a fight. The fact she has to take his phone away from him to watch his own son is ridiculous and the relationship should be questioned.

And OP should also make sure she locks the door when she is going out given she now knows she has an idiotic childish man child for a husband.

We have a front door that opens onto the pavement. Our rule is that it is always locked and keys are away from the door as we live on a main road so cannot take any chances, even if we pop across the road to the shop, the door gets locked.

Both are negligent in that both could have prevented your child from leaving the house with a bit more care. You’ve accepted that … and I guess with that then change will happen from you as you reflect on what could be done differently.

I think my issue is that he was switched off, even when you said your child needed to be watched and he didn’t. But he can’t see that is a problem … there are more dangers in the house than just the stairs or doors not shut and if he knows he’s in the house with your child ( even if you are there ) then he has responsibility .. and that awareness of his role appears to be lacking atm.

Wow.

I don't get this, yes ok you should pave shutting the door fully and double checking it's closed properly. But the reason you're needing to do that is because a 2 year olds father can't take care of his own child. Let's be honest here, OP could have left every window and door wide open, a ceiling fan spinning with knifes on dangling ropes and set a small fire in the basement and that 2 year old should still have been in no danger because it's FATHER should have been watching him/her!! 2 year olds can get themselves in trouble or hurt so easily, they are danger magnets and have zero risk awareness! Of course you fucking need to follow them from room to room, you constantly need to be supervising them. And that's before you even get into, ya know, actually playing with them and interacting with them for a minute. Decent parents don't act like this "dad"

He is doing it deliberately.
He doesn't care about your child. He is a dangerous man.

Well you are partly responsible because you didn't shut the door properly BUT your DP should be keeping an eye on your toddler anyway. At that age they're in everything and he could have hurt himself falling downstairs, got into a cupboard, anything. Your DP should have an eye on him. TBH, if he's not going to step up, I would be considering my options.

You shouldnt have to do this but can you lock the door from the outside when you go out. No phones while child is awake would be a good rule if he can’t watch a 2 year old. Ss would be involved if he was harmed or found else where. Is your dh parenting or are you parenting him that is the question. You shouldn’t have to btw.

You're nuts. Both parents are responsible for a child. Which century did you spring from? Anyone with any common sense would know you can't leave a 2 y o unattended for ten seconds.

You should have practised shutting the front door properly!! While he was out & dead bolting it, it's where he should be OUT of the house.

'Apologising' doesn't cut the mustard. Honestly, get rid. Ts easier on your own than being in a couple when the other one has checked out of parenting.

How do you think working mums manage? Do you think the streets are full of the toddlers of working mums whose heads are in the fucking clouds?

FFS, she knows she made a mistake by not closing the door. She's acknowledged that already. So the chorus of Captain Obvious statements is not helpful.
The real issue here is the father is negligent. He's not just making the odd mistake. It's a pattern and he has flat out stated he is not going to be responsible for his son.
This is what needs to be addressed.

Just shut the door properly and this won’t be a problem. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to stop my kids wandering out into the hallway because I’d assume they couldn’t get out.

Get rid.

He's checked out.

Can't even see to the safety of his son FFS.

Shutting the door is a basic safety mechanism which the OP also doesn’t seem capable of.

The real issue here is the father is negligent

Not closing the front door when you have a small child inside is also negligent.

Right so those proposing she kick him out, what's the alternative here? She goes back to work? Or goes on benefits as a single mum. Great solutions. Not.

He's a useless lump.

Get rid of him and buy a nice pot plant or something else that just sits there and does nothing but is more attractive than him.

Imo you both need to step up. Seeing your ds outside for a second time should have been a wake up call for you both. Instead of trying to blame each other you should both have sat down and spoke about you can both make sure it doesn't happen again. Your ability to communicate respectfully seems to have broken down and it's probably time to assess the relationship.

Quite honestly OP, he’d be my ex now …
Then, work out how to secure your door completely.