To be FURIOUS with DP

[PinkPeer]

Me and my Dp together five years we have a 2yo DS. I'll cut right the chase.. a few weeks ago whilst we were getting ready to go out I said to DP just watch DS while I nip the car to take some things out. I didn't shut the door properly on accident and when I came back DS had escaped and was half way up the road with no shoes on!! DP just stood there in the lounge completely oblivious!! I ran after DS and bought him back and I went mad at DP. He said it's your fault cos you left the door open, I had left the room so it's not my fault, an argument ensued and his defence was DS is not his responsibility, he wasn't watching him and I should have been more careful with the door even though he was sat right in the chair when I left?!

Tonight, again, I've said I'm just popping to the shop across the road, please watch DS for me. Low and behold, I come back and as I'm approaching I can see the front door is open, I immediately knew what had happened. Legged it across the road, almost got hit by a car, to see dp sat on his phone and DS no where to be seen, a frantic search and my neighbors who had just arrived home had found him wandering between parked cars just at the sound of our house. DS completely oblivious and living his best life smiling and laughing while I'm crying. Dp sat on his phone... Again, he said you must have left the door open or not pushed it too so it clicks. So it's your fault, I was looking at my phone. I said he literally would have to walk past you to go out the front door how did you let this happen again!! Same old, it's not my responsibility, you left the door open, I didn't see him blah blah blah.

I'm FURIOUS. Aibu?? This is the second time this has happened in similar circumstances. I've challenged DP on the fact that DS has never escaped or anything in my care. His defense is he is oblivious and doesn't even notice people he knows in the street etc. Which is poor!!

Our relationship is already a bit strained after me threatening to split up a few nights ago because of behaviour like this, not caring enough about DS, being involved, treating me like shit etc but thats another matter.

Opinions please and just talk down really, DS safely tucked up in bed now but I'm frantic and panicking it could have been so much worse. I can't stop crying. I'm terrified one of my neighbors will call the police or SS or something!!!

100% agree with this I'm afraid.

I‘m always amazed how many checks people have to go through to get a dog yet having a baby requires absolutely zero effort.

You need to learn how to close the door properly and I suggest the best way to practice is when you leave your useless partner who can’t be bothered to look after his own son! Will it take your little son coming to harm before you actually take steps to keep him safe?

Would it be that bad if SS came round? It might put a rocket up his backside and you'd have it on record that he's incapable of looking after his child when he wants 50/50 after you split with him.

@Coldfinch , you're doing it wrong, love.

It really almost doesn't matter that it was the front door. What else could he have done in the house without him noticing? You've mentioned the stairs already specifically. He could easily have fallen down them and broken something given the amount of attention he was paying.

I'd be asking him if he's escaped out the door twice on his watch, at what point will it become serious enough for him to learn? When he's fallen head first down the stairs?? When he's stuck his fingers in an electrical socket??

YANBU to be furious OP. I would be raging!

"...please watch DS for me"

As though this is solely your job and he's doing you a favour by babysitting for five minutes, rather than actually pulling his weight as a parent.

Very seriously not ok. You need to sit down and make him understand what his responsibilities as a father actually are.

Wow. Really did not expect this amount of comments. I feel terrible enough as it is and I realize how bad it sounds that this has happened twice. Im sick with myself that I left the door open and can't bare thinking what could have happened but I also do feel like DP should be taking some responsibility for what happened alas he still maintains he's done nothing wrong. So I guess from now at least I know where I stand with looking after him and should we actually break up I won't be comfortable with him having him alone on a weekend which would be the arrangement should it happen.

What I'm getting from this thread is that the tot is always and only the OP's responsibility. Even when she is not there, he is solely her responsibility. The child's father is just decoration.

What stands out for me is that the father has no concern for the safety and well-being of the child.
This suggests to me that he has little or no emotional attachment to his child.

he still maintains he's done nothing wrong
Well, he would, wouldn't he.

and should we actually break up I won't be comfortable with him having him alone on a weekend
Don't worry about that, he will delegate that task to the nearest woman - his DM or his latest girlfriend.

His Dad should have watched him.

This man feels as if he has all the power here that's why he feels he can do and say whatever he wants to. He thinks the op is trapped and cannot leave him.
I think I would want to keep him sweet for now but privately make a plan and then one day he'll come home to nothing.
But I would be carefully weighing up the likelihood that he might be vindictive etc.

@mirrensidhe , she didn't leave it open - she left it not firmly shut. Big difference. I have a door like that and DCat can open it unless I make an effort to get it to click, which I probably wouldn't if there was a responsible adult in the house.

He absolutely should be taking responsibility for his part in what happened, but you should now remove all risks to be on the safe side, he obviously gives zero shits about your son or his safety, you know that now, so can risk assess accordingly.

I still can't get my head around it though, is he saying he didn't notice he'd gone out after you, or is he saying it's not his job to look after him so anything that happens to him in his care is your fault, even if you aren't there?

If it's the latter I honestly don't know how you could be in love with such a deadbeat.

UPDATE

DS HAS JUST OPENED THE FRONT DOOR BY HIMSELF.

I DIDNT LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN

@PinkPeer , what a dude! Is he any good at kicking his dad's arse?

So it now needs locking then!

I can't believe you've still been leaving it unlocked after all that.

I did think this, I know he can reach the handle but I've never seen him actually open it, it can be stiff so I would be surprised if he could open it. He is a very clingy boy and a mummy's boy so it's possible he was looking for me.

You said your toddler ripped your stair gate off, if it's installed correctly that won't have been easy to do, a stiff door wouldn't be surprising if he can rip stair gates off.

Personally I'd start locking the door everytime one of you needs to leave the house, that won't solve your inattentive dh but it will stop your child being able to wander out and if he can't open the door now, he will be able to one day.

I've just had a delivery and went out to speak to the driver and closed the door behind me and he opened the door

Didn't see this before my last reply, well now you know you both need to ensure the door is locked at all times to prevent your child wandering into the street.

And my door have been locked with the keys hidden away all day and continue to be.

I convinced myself I must have left the door open but now I'm not so sure and I'm even crosser because of DS did let himself out his dad allowed it without even noticing.

He says his dc is not his responsibility?

I could never be with a man like this

Why? The difference here is OP was keeping an eye on him. His father wasn't.

@sandyhappypeople , she was taking a delivery and was just outside the door. Are you seriously suggesting she should lock the 2-yr old in the house alone?