To be FURIOUS with DP

[PinkPeer]

Me and my Dp together five years we have a 2yo DS. I'll cut right the chase.. a few weeks ago whilst we were getting ready to go out I said to DP just watch DS while I nip the car to take some things out. I didn't shut the door properly on accident and when I came back DS had escaped and was half way up the road with no shoes on!! DP just stood there in the lounge completely oblivious!! I ran after DS and bought him back and I went mad at DP. He said it's your fault cos you left the door open, I had left the room so it's not my fault, an argument ensued and his defence was DS is not his responsibility, he wasn't watching him and I should have been more careful with the door even though he was sat right in the chair when I left?!

Tonight, again, I've said I'm just popping to the shop across the road, please watch DS for me. Low and behold, I come back and as I'm approaching I can see the front door is open, I immediately knew what had happened. Legged it across the road, almost got hit by a car, to see dp sat on his phone and DS no where to be seen, a frantic search and my neighbors who had just arrived home had found him wandering between parked cars just at the sound of our house. DS completely oblivious and living his best life smiling and laughing while I'm crying. Dp sat on his phone... Again, he said you must have left the door open or not pushed it too so it clicks. So it's your fault, I was looking at my phone. I said he literally would have to walk past you to go out the front door how did you let this happen again!! Same old, it's not my responsibility, you left the door open, I didn't see him blah blah blah.

I'm FURIOUS. Aibu?? This is the second time this has happened in similar circumstances. I've challenged DP on the fact that DS has never escaped or anything in my care. His defense is he is oblivious and doesn't even notice people he knows in the street etc. Which is poor!!

Our relationship is already a bit strained after me threatening to split up a few nights ago because of behaviour like this, not caring enough about DS, being involved, treating me like shit etc but thats another matter.

Opinions please and just talk down really, DS safely tucked up in bed now but I'm frantic and panicking it could have been so much worse. I can't stop crying. I'm terrified one of my neighbors will call the police or SS or something!!!

@Potterswheelie
Can you stop attacking the OP

Oh dear has an MRA type infiltrated a thread again.

I'm not a gold digger lol far from it.

Why has everyone made their own assumptions on the little information I have provided.

He works full time (not an extremely well paid role) pays the bills. I am a SAHM for a few reasons, DP didn't want me to return to work (I am a HCP) and I developed medical condition in th blast two years and I now claim a disability benefit) we are not well off by along stretch. We live in a rented property, we do not own our home. We are joint tenants and after our conversation a few nights ago he insisted he would not leave and I would be screwed if I left as he pays the bills and I would have to find some where to go.

My reasons for wanting to leave were and still are, the fact I feel like a single parent, he does nothing to help with DS, he has not once even bathed him, he shirks all the responsibility on to me even when he is home, several lads holidays year, nights out, gambling, no help with house work, treats me like a maid and often has angry outbursts, makes all decisions without even asking me or consulting me. He has become comfortable, entitled and lazy. Tunnel vision and selfish. I'm miserable, the list goes on. It took me long times to finally have the courage to speak up and tell him how I felt and after being so dependant on him I finally started to feel like I didn't need him. I still love that person he once was but this is then straw that broke the camels back.

So yes, after everything, being able to stay in my house and make sure DS is comfortable does trump everything. Thanks for your stupid assumption that I'm a gold digga. Also he has no assets either even if we were married he's got fuck all to dig for so you can come up with something else to attack me for lol

She left the door open twice!!!!!
It is impossible to watch someone ALL the time.
There are professions where part of the employee's role is doing such a thing, they get relieved after about an hour or so.

I don't mean to be harsh but I kind of sense that the OP is indeed the irresponsible one not her DP.

Some of the replies here along the lines of him leaving the door open or deliberately hurting the child are just nuts.

This is aibu and I do very much think she is unreasonable.

You both need to step up or your DS will get seriously hurt.

Lol

Drip feed in cometh.

Just to add it takes me 30 seconds to cross my little road and get to the shop, less than a minute in the shop and thirty seconds to cross the road again. So in the space of two minutes this incident happened. I've held my hands up and said I was careless at not clicking the door (even though at the time I recall closing it properly) in two minutes DS escaped, but he can't watch him for two MINUTES.

Not drip fed, none of this was even relevant until you started making your own assumptions based on what you know which is fuck all.

@PinkPeer Your updates are so sad to read. You obviously hoped you had found a decent partner and father for your child. He sounds happy to pay all the bills as a trade off for you to do absolutely everything in the home and all the parenting. You deserve better and so does your child.

What caring responsibility does your DP have for his older child? Does he step up with him?

My sister in law left my brother after a similar thing happened, she just couldn't trust him around my nephew anymore (he then didn't see him for 14 years)

Sorry the DP is an idiot. So the OP is expected to either a) behave as if he is literally not there, or b) make sure every time she pops outside to the car or the bin that the door is fully secured when she’s got her hands full etc when the DP could literally just look at the child for 2 minutes just in case the door isn’t closed??

It would be easier if he literally wasn’t there then she wouldn’t have to keep up the pretence and hope that he might keep an eye on his own child. With another adult present, with warning, you shouldn’t have to secure your house like you’re going fully out just to pop out to the car outside your house. Kids are quick but not like a cat etc, they don’t dart out at the speed of light. You would see them going. And no I wouldn’t let a 2 year old roam around the house generally unsupervised because they could fall down the stairs, get into mischief etc.

Here we go again. New name, still a pita.

Go and watch the telly or something rather than trying to wind people up on Mumsnet. Your posts and behaviour is a bit weird.

I’m with you OP. Accidents can happen but his attitude indicates he takes no responsibility because he doesn’t fundamentally see his child as his responsibility.
Twenty years ago my DH sat on the loo. Door closed, on his phone, having one of his endless half hour shitting sessions and our toddler twins escaped out of the front door and were found wandering down the middle of the road dressed only in nappies and vests.
I didn’t even find out until a school mum told me as it was her FIL who picked them up and brought them home. DH didn’t tell me so I would be aware they could gang up and get the door open. I didn’t see how he could be so oblivious or think it was important enough to tell me.
Anyway I was out because I was working. If I didn’t have work he would have never looked after his DC. Is there any way you can get work once DS is at nursery? It massively increases options and possibilities if things don’t work out with DH.

She's clearly in the wrong for not checking the door was closed.

However he's supposed to be looking after a 2 year old but it sounds like there is zero supervision.

So if OP gets better at double checking the front door then it's okay for her DP to sit back, stare at his phone and leave a 2 yo unsupervised and free to roam around the house??!

He is absolutely useless but there is responsibility on both your parts - you can’t keep leaving the door open. I agree it’s his fault too because he really should be capable of noticing a toddler going past him - but both of these incidents were the result of both of you not taking the required care.

You need to put strategies in place to stop this happening. Try having a non-accusatory and non-defensive discussion about what you’re going to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again. How are you going to make sure you close the door properly from now on, how is he going to make sure he pays attention when your son is in his care?

You can get mechanisms to attach to your door to automatically close it behind you, I would consider one of those perhaps.

I had to read this (and the thread) a couple of times because I was so gobsmacked!
No, you're NOT BU. I could leave the house with every door open (in the heat, we often do for air circulation) and know my dh was actively parenting. He's not babysitting it's his child.

Also the replies that say it's your job and your fault as you are the sahp are franky ridiculous. By that logic you work 24 hours a day 365 days a year and get to be beaten around the head by a lazy sperm donor for everything whilst he goes out and does ?40 hours a week and has time off!

I have a professional job but did take 4 years out when my little ones were born. My husband still parented during that time and still does now (they are in high school). It's time to evaluate what you want for you and your child because he clearly is only focused on him

Nobody SITS and LOOKS at their child, don't be ridiculous, he could however have, oh, I dunno, got off his phone and played with HIS child... Then he would have known exactly where he was. You're a man aren't you who thinks he is too important to look after his OWN child and it's the mother's fault, even if she isn't there?

but he wasn’t at work at the time, was he?
when he is at work, that’s his job, and childcare is OP’s job.
when he is not at work, childcare is both of their responsibility - otherwise she works 24/7 and he gets large portions of time to sit on his phone. Not to mention the fact that the OP specifically said he was “on duty” - would you defend him if that happened at work? A colleague said - I’m away to the toilet, would you answer my phone please if it rings, I’m waiting for an important call - and the colleague came back to 25 missed calls while this dodo was staring at his mobile?

I agree with this. I don’t have kids but I’m super vigilant when around them. I lived for almost one year with my friend who had a toddler and a dodgy door. I’d make sure I locked the door behind me even if it was just for a few minutes I was popping out.

That isn’t even my own child but I still had that protective instinct to make sure nothing happened and he was kept safe. The living room was near the hallway /front door so if my friend (who worked as a nurse on weekends and was tired a lot of the time) had just looked away for 30 seconds I knew her toddler could have ran to the front door.

OPs partner is crap saying it’s not his responsibility but she also needs to do much better. This shouldn’t have happened once let alone twice. I feel sorry for the kid.

This. Instead of playing the blame game you both need to adopt a solution focused approach to this.

She's not interested in finding a solution to the problem, the entire point of her posts is to villainise him and make herself out to be perfect so she can leave - fact is they are BOTH careless 'villains' here or neither are.

The leave him posts are not helping because the child will still be with someone who can't be arsed to make sure the door is locked.

Like I said, they're either both careless, in which the kid should be removed from BOTH of them, or neither are.

Personally, I think they're just humans who made a couple of mistakes they should BOTH learn from

We have a 2 year old.
We keep the front door locked at all times unless we are in the front garden with him (in which case the gate is locked).
I think it is completely your fault tbh and if I was your partner I would be furious at you for not shutting the door properly so our 2 year old could get out then trying to blame me for your error (twice!).
Yes, he should have spotted him but can he not look at his phone/magazine/make a cup of tea for a couple of minutes while 2 year old is wandering round playing. He probably didn't dream that my partner had left the door to the street open! Then you have the cheek to blame him!

This thread has been haunting me a bit. The bottom line is that this child's father has said that childcare is not his responsibility and he will not do it - ever.

Not even when he knows the mother is out and she's asked him to supervise the child.

This is a man who would allow his child to be injured or to die, to spite his wife. Just to prove his point that he is the big man and childcare is beneath him.

That is terrifying.

OP you do not have to accept his terms. Breadwinner during working hours only vs 24/7 responsibility for childcare is not a reasonable, equitable or normal arrangement.

Most parents love their children. They care for and protect them. This man does not and will not.

You need to recognise what you're dealing with here. He isn't normal and he's a danger to your child.