To be FURIOUS with DP

[PinkPeer]

Me and my Dp together five years we have a 2yo DS. I'll cut right the chase.. a few weeks ago whilst we were getting ready to go out I said to DP just watch DS while I nip the car to take some things out. I didn't shut the door properly on accident and when I came back DS had escaped and was half way up the road with no shoes on!! DP just stood there in the lounge completely oblivious!! I ran after DS and bought him back and I went mad at DP. He said it's your fault cos you left the door open, I had left the room so it's not my fault, an argument ensued and his defence was DS is not his responsibility, he wasn't watching him and I should have been more careful with the door even though he was sat right in the chair when I left?!

Tonight, again, I've said I'm just popping to the shop across the road, please watch DS for me. Low and behold, I come back and as I'm approaching I can see the front door is open, I immediately knew what had happened. Legged it across the road, almost got hit by a car, to see dp sat on his phone and DS no where to be seen, a frantic search and my neighbors who had just arrived home had found him wandering between parked cars just at the sound of our house. DS completely oblivious and living his best life smiling and laughing while I'm crying. Dp sat on his phone... Again, he said you must have left the door open or not pushed it too so it clicks. So it's your fault, I was looking at my phone. I said he literally would have to walk past you to go out the front door how did you let this happen again!! Same old, it's not my responsibility, you left the door open, I didn't see him blah blah blah.

I'm FURIOUS. Aibu?? This is the second time this has happened in similar circumstances. I've challenged DP on the fact that DS has never escaped or anything in my care. His defense is he is oblivious and doesn't even notice people he knows in the street etc. Which is poor!!

Our relationship is already a bit strained after me threatening to split up a few nights ago because of behaviour like this, not caring enough about DS, being involved, treating me like shit etc but thats another matter.

Opinions please and just talk down really, DS safely tucked up in bed now but I'm frantic and panicking it could have been so much worse. I can't stop crying. I'm terrified one of my neighbors will call the police or SS or something!!!

The man is clearly only interested in his phone. As a pp said, a zombie at home.

It IS her fault. It is far worse not to deal with a real issue than one that is potential only.

I'd be livid with her too. Most people would check and check and check after an incident like that, maybe her dp thought she had more sense.

@sandyhappypeople , thanks for your advice on child-rearing. My DC reached adulthood without harm without it though.

My GC could all open our front door by the time they were 3, I struggle with it sometimes but they could get out in a flash so it had to be locked and the keys hung out of reach. Do a test, you go out, close the door and arrange with your partner to watch and see what little one does

NOPE, it would be your fault for leaving the risk there.

Maybe your DH didn't notice that you were using a knife, so couldn't effectively risk manage that situation, because who leaves a sharp knife in easy reach of a two year old? He would assume you've put it out of reach like most sensible people would.

How about this, you left a sharp knife out, your two year old grabs it and runs around the house with it before your DH notices what he's got.. disaster averted.. phew! 3 days later do you leave the sharp knife in arms reach again? No, you absolutely wouldn't because you've learned that accidents and inattention can and do happen within a split second, and it doesn't matter who is to 'blame' when something tragic happens, as it doesn't change the outcome.

@Notthatcatagain , The partner will be looking at his phone, so it would be a pointless exercise.

No it's the responsibility of the person in the same room as his own child to look after him, in a normal world. This thread is insane. I don't for a minute believe this guy didn't see his child going out of the door. Of course he did. He's telling the truth when he said to OP that the child 'isn't his responsibility'. He firmly believes that and has shown that.

What advice? To lock a door so a kid can't go out of it? I assume your kids reached adulthood without harm because you aren't a negligent parent. That can't be said for everyone, sadly.

But I'm sure if you've got adult kids, then you must have had some near misses, where there was a risk you hadn't fully anticipated, or a momentary lack of concentration/attention, it is completely human to not be able to see every risk before it happen, I've got a three year old and my heart has been in my mouth more than once, if this had only happened once, my replies to OP would be completely different, but I'd still be telling her to lock the bloody door.

Leaving an unlocked (or even open!) door straight out on to a road where a two year old has managed to get out not once but twice now isn't accidental anymore, IMO it's negligent, and it's on both parents to mitigate that risk.

Because his other parent was with him...in the same room as him. What the fuck am I missing that people are defending this loser father? It's outrageous to deflect this mans neglect of his child onto the OP. The door could have been left wide open and it still would have been his responsibility to look after his child.

It's both of you.

He sounds completely useless and negligent, not watching his kid.

But you also sound negligent, managing to leave a door open not once but twice. It's all very well blaming him but this is on both of you.

If he's generally useless then I totally understand why you want to leave him. But please, sort your door out!

Was your front door in your sitting room like the OPs. Would they have escaped with you in the same room as them, even after their parent asked you to keep an eye on them?

Its no one's fault. Kids can be escape artists. You both need to be more vigilant and stop blaming each other

The open door which obviously shouldn't have happened, let alone twice is a symbol of his disinterest in your relationship.
Parental instincts should ensure your DS is happy safe and well
He has none, and no love care and attention for you.
Make plans to leave
Don't stay just because you think you can't afford to leave
UC pay up to 85% of childcare for example

I'm not defending that arsehole, I don't think anyone is, he a shambles of a dad.. but OP knows that, so it's neither here nor there?

At best it is poor risk management leaving a door open/unlocked knowing your child could go out of it, at worst it is completely negligent seeing as it has happened previously in exactly the same circumstances.

Both of them are at fault here, would you leave a door open with a 2 year old in the room, knowing the child's father doesn't look after him properly? Would you take that risk with your child's life?..

Him not watching him is either accidental oversight (easily done at times) or weaponised incompetence (this one according to him) but the end result is the same.. he wasn't watching him so the risk HAS to be removed, and that is on OP to lock the door behind her to remove the risk, or dump her useless DP altogether.

Locking a door that can be opened straight on to a road is common sense and should already be being done by both of them.

I would be furious too, and would insist that the phone goes down when he’s with your child out of principle - he needs to interact! But if you’re leaving the house, you need to take responsibility for shutting the door. Lock it behind you if necessary but it’s not reasonable to expect people to assume you can’t close a door.

Fucking phones. I swear they are turning us into a zombie race.

Everyone is arguing about the door yet there is no actual proof she didn't close it properly. She is just going on what her DP told her happened.

it doesn't matter is it was 'closed' or not really.. most 2-3 year olds learn to open doors at some point, a door straight out on to the street should be routinely locked anyway to prevent him wandering out.

He may have never wanted to open the door before, but once his mum has gone out he wants to go after her.. I would assume OP knows that she shut the door properly, chances are the little one has learned to open it.

It needs locking now.

@PinkPeer - In fairness to you even if the front door had been left open with a big flashing light saying "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" on it or something equally banal, the fact of the matter is that your toddler was able to exit the house on two separate occasions now after you asked your DP to watch over said toddler and on both times your DP was paying more attention to his phone than to a little child.

Had he been paying attention to the child, playing with the child, reading with/to the child, the child wouldn't have been able to escape out of the house. It's that simple and straightforward.

Does this mean that your DP can never be left in sole charge of a toddler?? Probably, unless they agree to put their phone away for the duration.
Does your DP put their phone away while driving? I'd hope so, and I'd use that as a starting point for a discussion about what is important and the safe thing to do.

If you do separate and leave him will he have rights to look after the toddler and have the child in his sole care? I'd be very vocal at any sort of discussion around that should the situation arise. He's careless and he doesn't accept responsibility for his behaviour and to top it off, he leaves during a discussion about his behaviour and lack of attention. Not exactly the most redeeming features or traits in a person.

I think you're getting some unfair and crazy responses on here OP. I think people seem to be missing the fact that your DP was in the same room as the front door so surely even being on his phone should have noticed the door opening out of the corner of his eye, a gust of wind from the door being open, anything?

Yes it's absolutely his responsibility in this situation! At 2 years old if your child disappears out of the room and is quiet for more than a minute you are surely going to find out what they are doing, silence from a toddler is normally not a good thing, colouring the walls, covering themselves in sudocrem, toddlers are mischievous!

Also, when you say you were frantically looking and you got back and he was still on his phone? Did he not panic and help look when he realised what had happened?
The lack of responsibility for his own sons safety would have me leaving straight away.

Really?? Then child was left in the care of his adult father, yet it's the OP's fault?
(Clue: no it's not: the door situation is not the issue here, the feckless father is!)

Not really, this was a last straw incident rather than a singe event

Anyone can do it once.

Twice is careless.

A third time would be bordering on the negligent.

I am astonished at the number of posters putting all the blame on you @PinkPeer , when there are two parents involved in the child's life and there is no reason why his dad could not have taken more care with his son!
Even if you had left the door wide open, your son was with his dad and so should have been safe: why posters ae giving you such a kicking is beyond understanding, except the usual 'blame the mother' stuff.
If you live in rented property it can be really hard to get stuff sorted out like a faulty/difficult door catch.
Please don't be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you do have a role or profession you can return to when you separate, it may be tough for a while but this cannot be what you put up with for the rest of your life.

you left the door open twice, I'd get off my high horse if I were you OP. Beyond careless.