To think we should go as a family to lunch with my boss

[OopsyDaisie]

I'm the breadwinner in the family and have 2 small DC. Upper management in a small-ish company.
I'm quite friendly with my boss (although wouldnt class us as friends), who has a small DC and a DP. We work together foe many years, wish happy birthday to each other kids etc
Boss has invited me and my family for lunch at their house in a couple of weeks, another colleague (who is single and no DC) will also be going.
My DH doesn't want to go, says he can't stand it and it's fake and there's always an ulterior motive (ti gauge how commitment I am to the company, how happy, to try to convince said colleague to join our department etc).
He told me I should go with the kids and come up with an excuse for him not joining. I said that's OK if he doesn't want to go, that's fine its his decision. He plays a sport on Sunday morning (not every Sunday), so I would just say he i doing that. He then said I actually should go alone and not take the kids either, but then "oh but then we will have nowhere to leave the kids if I'm playing" (we have no family around) and O just said then he couldnt play that day if that's the case.
I'm not TOO happy about being told not to take the kids, we were invited as a family and I would like us to go as one. I think these social interactions do help careers and I could use that!
But also wouldn't terribly mind to have a nice lunch and some wine without being called Mummy-mummy every 2 mins, although I would have to lie as I wouldn't want to say simply my DH wanted me to come by myself. So:
YABU - its your job and should be kept separate from family life. Your DH is right to want you to go alone
YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

I think its really weird your boss wants to meet your kids

I know! That's so bizarre. Surely the boss just pushes back and says no..there's more to life than work

Are you in the UK?

they wanted a bit less separation between work and home.

Said no one ever.

Sorry for the late reply. Funnily enough, we were out for dinner with former colleagues, now friends. Yes, we'e in the UK, London based, so both our workplaces are somewhat international but have plenty of UK natives.

It's a high stress profession with long hours, client development (socialising) and travel. The last thing people want is long team lunches, team-building away days, four day corporate retreats, black tie dinners with their office mates or awkward drinks after work when you want to get home, all of which adds up to more time away from family. The people we work with, for the most part, do seem to enjoy socialising and being able to bring their families when it feels appropriate. It could just be our workplaces, I suppose, but yes, by in large everyone seems to enjoy having partners and spouses invited to meet the people they work with day in and day out in a casual non-office environment.

It started because one year we had a summer party at our house and invited people from both workplaces. Everyone had a great time (apparently) because they stayed until about 3am, word spread into other departments and people kept stopping by in both our workplaces and asking if they could be invited next summer. I talked to a several people and asked if they thought it would be nice to invite spouses and partners and it was a universal yes. Our departments have grown, it's now a lot of people, so we make sure everyone gets at least one invite in the course of a year. If someone has young children, I'd try to invite them to a Saturday afternoon barbecue type thing so they can bring them.

No expectations or pressures, though - they're being judged at work on the quality of their work based on lots of metrics and feedback from many sources that have nothing to do with coming to a lunch or party. If there are some who would rather not, I would imagine on the 2 or 3 times a year they're invited to something, they're capable of saying no.

Adding: both DH and I enjoy socialising and hosting and bringing people together in what we hope is a relaxed, fun atmosphere, and people generally react very positively to that. I'm not sure Mumsnet is always representative of most people?

Your DH is an arsehole and I'd be furious if I were you. If your children are at school, he's not a SAHP, he's just unemployed. Your hard work is enabling him to do nothing but 10% of the housework. Lazy bugger.

YANBU - Your DH should understand the impact of these (very rare) social interactions in your career and should want to go in your support.

If this was just a casual get together with no pressure or anything why would it be beneficial or not on someone's career?

It is just to be lunch?

In most industries, once you get to senior levels, relationships have a massive impact on your effectiveness and even more on your future prospects (because people want to work with known quantities they trust). A casual get together is an opportunity to develop your relationship without the pressure of a particular goal (e.g. performing on a project, presenting a proposal or interviewing for a position).

Who do you think is looking after the kids when they finish school, during the holidays and when they are ill?

I agree that he's lazy when it comes to housework and that's something the OP needs to address, but you are wrong to say he's not a sahp because the kids are at school.

He should suck it up and go
I hate this entitled attitude that we all get to do only things we want to do
Part of being an adult is compromising and doing things for others, it's one bloody lunch
My ex H would only ever do social things he wanted to do, one of the reasons he is an ex

This! I’m really confused with the ‘works as a SAHP’ comment earlier.
I work in a paid job and parent…
Parent is the fun bit I chose. Work is the bit I have to do?

You know as well as I do that SAHP implies "I don't have a paid job outside the house because I am home caring for children." He isn't.

If you're actively parenting - ie looking after your child - during paid employee hours, you're doing something very wrong.

Your status as a parent is permanent, just like your status as a woman/daughter/sister/wife/cousin etc. But you're not parentING while you're working as an employee.

No comment on this DH though. I'm a "SAHM" to children old enough to look after themselves 80% of the time. I'm really a lady of leisure. I'm not mothering at all most of the time!

Of course you would. 🙄

Sorry I didn’t mean I do both at the same time!
I work whilst the kids are at school/wrap around care

"You know as well as I do that SAHP implies "I don't have a paid job outside the house because I am home caring for children." He isn't."

He is though. Again, who do you think is looking after them when school finishes at 3.30? Or during the school holidays?
He's not doing his share of housework, which imo he should be picking up the majority of when the dc are at school, but he is doing the 'active' looking after of the dc.

It's your job go with your DC your DH should not interfere after all he should be happy to have a free day to do as he likes.

I might go and take your DC. And then negotiate with DP him having the kids one time when say you want to see a friend.

Is there any backstory? I.e. have you done many out of work stuff.
Usually nowt wrong with work and families socialising and really depends on the company. Obviously big corporate stuff is all about schmoozing and backstabbing or just plain train wreck for some.
Personally have nothing against work dos, show my face do some circuits and let the drinkers make tits of themselves. Same goes for the arse lickers. Find that the whole company know who they are and their tricks and game. Engage or avoid (should be a reality tv show)

Yes and I also work in a law firm. As I said above I have no interest in spending time with my colleagues' wider family and pets outside work hours.

I don't know my neighbours other than to say hello to and have the odd very superficial chat So I can't fall out with them.

My mum and her neighbours seem to know every detail of each other's lives and the drama! Oh my word.

So it's much better to have a civil and superficial relationship with one's colleagues and avoid drama and fallings out.

But it IS pressure because you take it into the personal. It's when you might find out that someone supports Trump or is a racist or hates your pet cat or doesn't like kids or just doesn't agree with you on things such as whether people should drive SUVs or go on ski-ing holidays. All things that are far less likely to arise in a professional, civil relationship at work.

There are really good reasons for keeping a professional distance. Getting to know each other too well can be career limiting, not enhancing.

Sucking up to the boss and family at dinner (or Sunday lunch) feels very yesteryear to me.

If this expected of a SAHM then it should be expected of a SAHD. I suspect the SAHM version out counts the STAHD. Just saying.

I think it is definitely worth the argument.

Taking the kids is important, you've been invited as a family. It's U of him not to go, but not a battle worth having. The kids on the other hand...

Do you think your husband doesn't want to go for fear of being judged for being a sahp? I think it's great if that works for your family, but some people still hold to the old ways. Go, take the children.

You are not being unreasonable.

However, your boss is being both unreasonable and unprofessional inviting you and your family to a social event outside office hours.

Your partner is right to point this out, but equally should probably suck it up and go.